Grass Jokes

What is a grasshopper? An insect on a pogo stick.

A wealthy lawyer was being driven around town in his limo when he saw 2 men on the side of the road eating grass. Moved, the lawyer tells his driver to stop and gets out to talk to the men. “What is going on? Why are you eating grass?” he asks the men. “We are very poor sir”, the first responds, “this is all we have.” “Well, come with me” insists the lawyer. “But sir, I have a wife and three kids! My friend here, he was a wife and four kids!” “We will go get them as well” declares the lawyer. An hour later they are all driving in the limo to the lawyers estate. “Sir, I don’t know how to thank you enough!” “Oh, it is no problem. The grass at my house has to be at least a foot tall!”

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

A guy is trying to relax at home, but his wife keeps nagging him to mow the lawn. Finally, in between nags he blurts out, “Answer just this one question for me.” She pauses momentarily, and he takes this opportunity to say, “You know, a Deer, a Cow, and a Horse, all eat grass. But a Deer’s excretions are pellets, while a Cow makes flat pies, and a Horse makes clumps…why is that?” His wife says, “I don’t know.” He replies, “Well then, how can you bring up the subject of the lawn, when it’s obvious you don’t know sh*t?”

Q: What is a grasshopper? A: An insect on a pogo stick.

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD. “GOD”, he said, “How long is a million years?” GOD answered, “In my frame of reference, it’s about a minute.” The man asked, “GOD, how much is a million dollars?” GOD answered, “To Me, it’s a dime.” The man then asked, “GOD, can I have a dime?” GOD said, “In a minute.”

Q: What’s green and has wheels? A: Grass. I was just kidding about the wheels.

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’ The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’ ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger. ‘How about nuclear power?’ and he smiles. ‘OK, ‘ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’ The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’ To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know sh*t?

The power mower was broken and wouldn’t run. A lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments. When he came out again, he handed her a toothbrush. “When you finish cutting the grass,” he said, “You might as well sweep the sidewalks.” The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf – always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.” The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

Nobel Prize A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?” The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.” “How?” asks the man, puzzled. “Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.”

One day, while going to the store, I passed by Lanark Lodge. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. ‘Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?’ ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘They ‘re retired prostitutes, & they’re having a yard sale.’

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man. “We don’t have any money for food.” the poor man replied. “Oh, come along with me then.” “But sir, I have a wife with two children!” “Bring them along! And you, come with us too!”, he said to the other man. “But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered. “Bring them as well!” They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The lawyer replied, “No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!”

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn’t run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. “When you finish cutting the grass,” he said, “you might as well sweep the sidewalks.”

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one of the men “Why are you eating the grass?” “We don’t have money for food,” the poor man replied. “Oh, come along with me then,” instructed the lawyer. The man answered “But sir, I have a wife and two children! “Bring them along” replied the lawyer. The lawyer turn to the other man and said, “Come with us.” “But sir, I have a wife and six children?” the second man answered. “Bring them as well!” replied the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The lawyer replied, “No problem. The grass at my house is almost a foot tall.”

Q: What’s green and has wheels? A: Grass. I lied about the wheels.

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn’t run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. “When you finish cutting the grass,” he said, “you might as well sweep the sidewalks.”

Child’s Perspective on Retirement A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don’t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim. At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can’t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck. My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “Hi, I’m a zebra! What are you?” “I’m a cow.” “Right, right. What do you do?” “I make milk for the farmer.” “Cool.” The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. “Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?” “I’m a chicken.” “Oh, right. What do you do?” “I make eggs for the farmer.” “Right, great, see ya round.” Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?” “I am a Stallion,” said the stallion. “Wow,” said the zebra. “What do you do?” “Take off your pajamas, darling, and I’ll show you.”

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it was, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is, because you’re not a monk.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door and told when to jump” “My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go” “But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered. “But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack”.

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop. Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to “spot” for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean? A: “Spotting” for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It’s an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you’re going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain-No Pain. Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer? A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you’ll probably stress yourself to death in record time. Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you? A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy. Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about trying to live a longer and healthier life…

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn’t run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. “When you finish cutting the grass,” he said, “you might as well sweep the sidewalks.”

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of stout. After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences…no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, “I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.” “I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “but I really, really have to go, and I just can’t find a public restroom.” “Ah, yes,” said the policeman…”Just follow me”. He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens. “In there,” points the policeman. “Go ahead sir, anywhere you like.” The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the policeman’s blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, “That was really decent of you… is that what you call English hospitality?” “No sir…”, replied the police officer, “…that is what we call the French Embassy.”

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.” She looked at the men in the room, “and Gentlemen, remember — You’re in this together — It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her.” The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?” answered the Instructor. “I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk??” —- This kind of sensitivity just can’t be taught..

A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is!” My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve Got Mail.”

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold. MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with “green bias,” and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings “It’s Not Easy Being Green.” Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the “Temperatures of the 80’s.” Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his “fair share.” Finally, the EEOC drafts the “Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act” retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the, government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday’s between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talkshows scheduled. The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he’s in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him since he doesn’t know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant’s food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of politicians announcing that a new era of “fairness” has dawned in America.

Why did the cannibal chef rush to the Bryant helicopter crash scene? To get some fresh grass-fed Kobe beef.

With the rocketing price of petrol, I’ve just filled up my petrol mower with Vodka… The grass is now half cut!

A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Did you know we have a drink named after you?” The grasshopper says, “You have a drink called Phil?”

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.

My fat next door neighbor is lying face down on her front lawn. Don’t know if she’s passed out or eating the grass.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, Keep off the Grass.’

“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.’” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” The doctor says, “It’s Not Unusual.”

When I sit down on a field, I automatically start pulling grass out of the ground.

How does a person from New Zealand find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying.

Some idiot has stolen all the grass from my garden….Even the birds are looking forlorn!

Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.’Is it common?Well, It’s Not Unusual.

People think grass don’t be wet in the morning.But it dew.