Hall Jokes

  • A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he’d go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door. On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister. “Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.” The minister said, “Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach ‘Thou shall not steal,’ that changed your heart?” The man responded, “No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.”

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  • From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following. a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again). b.. Stroke patients are NOT “Charlie Carrots.” Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state. c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or “hamburger helper.” Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like “negative vehicle to vehicle interface” or “terminal deceleration syndrome.” d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not “glow worms.” e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered “pharmaceutically gifted.” f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not “trans-occipital implants.” g.. The homeless are not “urban outdoorsmen,” nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a “PVC Challenge.” h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being “paws up,” ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records). I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.
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  • A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”. She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.” “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.” She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that, number 1, you have to be single and number 2, you must be Catholic.” The ! cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic! “OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. “My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?” “Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.” The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”
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  • Politically Correct Guide To The Ladies She does not have thunder thighs; she develops a Child Rest Area Facility. She is not talkative; she is a Conversational Opportunist. She does not get lost all the time; she is Deceptively Directionally Challenged. You do not buy her a drink; you make a down payment on a recreational facility. She does not fart and belch; her closest pet is Gastronomically Expressive. She is not a gold digger; she prefers Economic Differential Relationships. She does not have a rich daddy; she is the poster child for the “Happily Ever After Foundation” She is not afraid of lack of commitment; she is Polygamously Challenged.
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  • A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. *As you shall make your bed so shall you……mess it up *Better be safe than……………………..punch a 5th grader *Strike while the ……………………….bug is close *It’s always darkest before……………….daylight savings time *You can lead a horse to water but…………how? *Don’t bite the hand that…………………looks dirty *A miss is as good as a…………………..Mr. *You can’t teach an old dog new……………math *If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll……..stink in the morning *The pen is mightier than the……………..pigs *An idle mind is…………………………the best way to relax *Where there’s smoke, there’s……………..pollution *Happy the bride who……………………..gets all the presents *A penny saved is………………………..not much *Two’s company, three’s…………………..the musketeers *Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and………………………………..you have to blow your nose *Children should be seen and not…………..spanked or grounded *When the blind leadeth the blind………….get out of the way
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  • The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there. “Please,” protested the college President, “you already make more than the entire History department.” “Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look.” He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. “You’re not there, sir,” he reported. “Oh, I see what you mean,” conceded the President, scratching his head. “I would have phoned.”
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  • Politically Correct Guide To Guys He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility. He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist. He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations. You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange. He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive. He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American. He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships. He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion. He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative. He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy. He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.
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  • Things Only A Mom Can Teach My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…. “Just wait until your father gets home!” My Mother taught me about RECEIVING…. “You are going to get it when we get home!” My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE… “What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you … Don’t talk back to me!” My Mother taught me LOGIC … “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” My Mother taught me MEDICINE…. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, you’re going to freeze that way.” My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD … “If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.” My Mother taught me about ESP… “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold.” My Mother taught me HUMOR … “When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT… “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never growup.” My Mother taught me about SEX… “How do you think you got here?” My Mother taught me about GENETICS…. “You’re just like your father!” My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…. “Do you think you were born in a barn?” My Mother taught me about the WISDOM OF AGE… “When you get to be my age, you will understand.” And my all time favorite … JUSTICE…. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you….then you’ll see what it’s like.”
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  • Kitty’s Heaven St Peter is receptionist at the entrance of Heaven. A cat shows up and St Peter says, “I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.” Cat: “Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.” St Peter: “That’s easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in.” Next, a group of mice appeared and St Peter greeted them and said: “Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn’t steal food from anyone’s house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you have always wanted.” The Chief Mouse replied, “Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?” St Peter: “Granted. You shall have your wish.” Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat. “Well, Cat…Did you enjoy the satin pillow?” Cat: “Oh, indeed I did. And say…that ‘Meals on Wheels’ thing was a nice touch, too!”
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  • How to write a College Paper 1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it. 3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. 4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn’t started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him. 5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. 7. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate. 8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. 9. Listen to one of your favorite CDs and that’s it, I mean it, as soon as it’s over you are going to start that paper. 10. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order. 11. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he’s started writing yet. Exchange remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large. 12. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 13. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor. 14. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler’s Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche. 15. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26. 16. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot. 17. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror. 18. Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is. 19. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. 20. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall. 21. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 22. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the thrill of it. 23. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. 24. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
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  • My wife asked me, “Shall we go bowling or stay at home?”I replied, “I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let’s go bowling!”
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  • My mate said to me, “I bet you can’t make a pun about a flower?””But I rose to the challenge!
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  • I took a girl home. We got kissing on the sofa & before long, I slipped my hand into her knickers. She asked, “Shall we take this upstairs?”I said, “No, I’d rather we did it here.”“Oh I see,” she winked. “Something in your bedroom you don’t want me to see?”“Yeah, my wife!”
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  • My missus said, “Will you shut up about snooker and make love to me!”“Of course love,” I replied. “Would you prefer I took the easy pink or shall I try for the tight brown?”
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  • Daffy Duck calls the hotel reception and asks for a condom.The receptionist asked, “Shall we put this on your bill?”Daffy replied, “Are you thucking thupid I’ll thuffocate!”
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  • David Beckham’s son arrived for training, and asked the coach, “What number shirt shall I wear?”The coach replied, “Wear four out there Romeo!”
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  • When my brother found out he might be terminally ill he kept himself occupied with the housework….I’m delighted to announce that he’s just got the hall clear!
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  • Brought the wife a pair of crotchless knickers for halloween…There’s nothing sexual in it, but she’ll get a better grip on her broomstick!
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  • Went to a Halloween party at the pub last night, but took ages to get served as they only had a skeleton staff working!#Halloween
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  • Just thought I’d nip over to my grandma’s, and fair play to her, at 93, she had all the halloween decorations up, cobwebs and live insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch…She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer. I’ll pop back next week!#Halloween
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  • Money is a bit tight, so I’m not buying any apples this Halloween…That should save me a bob or two!#Halloween
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  • I’ve found that answering the door naked helps deter trick or treaters…Oh here we go again, two dressed up as Policemen!#Halloween
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  • Last year I opened the door to a kid doing ‘trick or treat’ in a Gloria Gaynor mask…At first I was afraid!#Halloween
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  • I got so sick of the trick or treaters that I turned the lights off and pretended I wasn’t in…Fuck the ships. My lighthouse my rules!#Halloween
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  • Every Christmas, we used to go down the pub for a few hours then come back and deck the Halls…Why the Halls never reported us is a mystery!
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  • Apparently it’s impossible to eat 4 dry crackers in one minute. Always being up for the challenge I gave it a go….I managed three and then choked on a plastic moustache!
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  • Currently stuck at an auction bidding for a house with a lengthy corridor. I’m in it for the long hall.
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  • I went to a bingo hall last night. It was good seeing some old faces.
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  • Ugly is such an ugly word. If you must describe me I’d prefer if you used the term “handsomely-challenged”
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  • Halloween Dress Code: Men: super hero, monster, funny thing, famous people. Women: super whore, monster whore, funny whore, famous whore
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  • Spoiler Alert: There will be a minimum of 4 “Gangnam Styles” at every party this Halloween.
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  • Blanket on: too hot, Blanket off: too cold, 1 leg out: perfect, until the demon from Paranormal Activity grabs it & drags you down the hall.
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  • Mad props to New York for dressing up as New Orleans for Halloween.
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  • Thank you Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!!!
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  • Halloween = Candy, Thanksgiving = Food, Christmas = Gifts, New Years = Drinks, Valentines = Sex, Birthdays = ALL OF THE ABOVE
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  • Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
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  • I read “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” in 4 hours yesterday. I know it’s only 6 words, but I was still impressed with myself.
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  • A co-worker has stopped acknowledging me in the hallway. Please tell me what I did to make you want to ignore me, so I can do it to others.
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  • Don’t judge me until you know me. Don’t underestimate me until you challenge me. And don’t talk about me until you talk to me
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  • How to scare burglars off. First, put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger. Second, put a cat litter box in your hall and sh!t in it.
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  • The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
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  • I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i’m pretty sure they’re hallucinations.
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  • After a klose game with messi challenges and neuer goal scoring opportunities, ze Germans kept their cool and gotze World Cup that they deserved!
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  • Scrabble is adding 5,000 new words including “chillax” and “selfie.” So kids, there’s never been a better time to challenge your grandparents to a game of Scrabble.
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  • The challenge of modern relationships: how to prove more interesting than the other’s smartphone.
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  • Facebook etiquette: Thou shall not hold a conversation under someone’s status post.
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  • Try this: In a crowded hallway, say out loud, “Oh my god look at the blood on her pants.” Whatever girl turns around is on her period..
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  • This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues.
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  • If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo’s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it’s Halloween because our family reunion was in July….
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  • Happy Halloween… may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!
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  • I’m currently at a local auction bidding for a house with a lengthy corridor… I’m in it for the long hall!
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  • I’ve been invited to the RNLI’s Halloween party… I’m quite looking forward to it. They really know how to push the boat out!
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  • My mate said, “There’s only one thing that about Halloween that scares me.”I asked, “Which is?”“Exactly!” he replied.
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  • I’m not buying any apples for my Halloween party this year…That’ll save me a bob or two!
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  • “Of course I’ll attend your no alcohol, vegan Halloween party tonight…I’ll be dressed as the Invisible Man!”
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  • I was thinking of going dressed as a band-aid for a Halloween party, but then decided against it…It would be really hard to pull off!
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  • I was a bit afraid of making breakfast this Halloween morning but…I ain’t afraid of no toast!
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  • Just thought I’d nip over to my grandma’s, and fair play to her, at 93, she had all the halloween decorations up, cobwebs and live insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch…She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer. I’ll pop back next week!
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  • Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishesMe: I wish for a world without lawyersGenie: Done, you have no more wishesMe: But you said 3Genie: Sue me.
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  • I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from. He said,I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
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  • And the lord said unto John “come forth and you shall have eternal life”But John came fifth and won a toaster.
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  • There’s only one thing that scares me at Halloween I said to my wife. Which is? she asked questioningly.Exactly, I replied.
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  • I dressed up as a screwdriver this past Halloween.It wasn’t the best costume but I still turned a lot of heads.
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  • The lord said to John, “Come forth and you shall receive eternal life.”But John came fifth, and received a toaster.
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  • I got trapped in a bidding war for a house, because my wife loved the lengthy corridor.Now I’m in it for the long hall.
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  • Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes.Me: I wish for a world without lawyers.Genie: Done, you have no more wishes.Me: But you said 3.Genie: Sue me.
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  • I told me wife: There’s only one thing that scares me during Halloween…My wife: Which is?Me: Exactly
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  • Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishesMe: I wish for a world without lawyersGenie: Done, you have no more wishesMe: But you said 3Genie: Sue me
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