Headline Jokes

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. “Was the other Indian crazy or what?” The Indian replied “No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there’s a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.” Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Immediately, there was the answer. “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening. The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, “Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!” He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Like the others, he then heard an answering call, “WOOOOOOOOO,WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!” With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read….. NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac…sailing on the presidential yacht. They’re admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope’s hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying “Wait, wait. I’ll take care of this. Don’t worry.” Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father’s little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence. The next morning, the Washington Post carries a story, with front page photos, of the event. The banner headline is: “Bush Can’t Swim.”

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: ‘California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.’ One week later, a Texas newspaper, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Bastrop, Bubba Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless.

Did you hear the headline abou the lunatic who raped the laundry woman and ran away? “Nut screws washer and bolts”

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines!

Q: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? A: They’re making headlines!

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed. A “friend of a friend” put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name of “Artie.” Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife into the local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines declared: “ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY”

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed British scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters, and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read: “British archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots.” One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following: “After digging as deep as 5000 meters in West Texas, Texas A&M; scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have, therefore, concluded that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants were already using wireless technology.”

Did you hear the headline about midget psychic on the run from the Law? It read, “Small Medium At Large.”

HEADLINES FOR THE YEAR 2040 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally . . scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon). Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 300 lbs. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036. Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Florida Voters still don’t know how to use a voting machine

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow? It’s making headlines.

Theres a new type of pillow made from corduroy… Its making headlines.