Hip Jokes

  • It’s impossible to ruin our friendship with sex. It was ruined the moment you called it a friendship.

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  • The first rule of relationships: You don’t find out why someone was available until it’s too late.
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  • I’ve always wanted to know how long “forever” was… and by looking at some peoples relationships its around 2 to 4 weeks.
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  • Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
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  • On Thursday, the captain of the crashed cruise ship Costa Concordia went back to the wreck for the first time since the accident. Said the captain, “It looks so different sober.”
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  • Facebook should invent a relationship status that says “Only when I’m drunk.”
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  • “Wow, this relationship is really rocky. I bet a wedding and baby will solve everything!” Women logic.
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  • Here’s a question. If you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife switched phones and Facebook profiles for 24 hrs would you still have a relationship!!!!
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  • When I was younger, my mom would give me 10 Bucks to go to the grocery store and I would bring a dozen eggs, bag of candy, gallon of milk, a box of tea and potato chips. I can’t do that now though, there are surveillance cameras now.
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  • Facebook does NOT ruin relationships. Relationships ruin Facebook
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  • A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it as long as you want but it won’t go anywhere.
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  • Relationships are like fat people, most of them don’t work out.
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  • If your relationship has more issues than a magazine stand then I suggest you cancel that subscription
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  • “Relationship experts say romance novels are bad because they give women unreasonable expectations. It’s what porno films do for men.”
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  • Throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a flat tire.
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  • Nobody gives a fcuk about how amazing your relationship is. You’re on Facebook. It can’t be that good.
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  • I love my relationship with my bed. No commitment needed. We just sleep together every night.
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  • Stop advertising your relationship on Facebook not everyone wants to see you happy.
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  • Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
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  • Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn’t sell air.
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  • I hate people who buy gym memberships just to walk on a treadmill. WALKING IS FREE.
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  • I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
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  • It is so much easier to turn friendship into love, than love into friendship.
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  • Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love.
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  • The worst thing about censorship is ??????????????
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  • If you aren’t happy being single, you’ll never be happy in a relationship. Get your own life first, then share it.
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  • They say 1in every 3 people cheat in a relationship. I’m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
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  • Facebook should have a relationship status called: Fu*k I don’t know….Ask her
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  • Women fake orgasms to have relationships. Men fake relationships to have orgasms.
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  • I’ve always wanted to know how long “forever” was… and by looking at some people’s relationships, it’s around 2 to 4 weeks.
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  • If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
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  • My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.
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  • I want a real relationship; not a Facebook one
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  • A relationship where you can act like complete idiots together is the sweetest thing ever.
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  • My girlfriend left me for a Hindu guy. Anyway, he’ll treat her better they worship cows.
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  • If you think you aren’t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
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  • You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
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  • The true test of any loving relationship is having two phones and only one functioning charger.
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  • I’m no relationship scientist but I think men prefer girls who make their dck hard, not their life.
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  • When my girlfriend is angry, I go to Facebook and constantly refresh my relationship status to see if I’m single again.
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  • Remember, there can be only one interesting person per relationship.
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  • Marriage… a relationship between a person who’s always right and her husband.
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  • Well I had close call last night! This girl I picked up at the bar, drove me back to her place. She looked like a lady, walked like a lady, even talked like a lady! But when she whipped into that parking spot perfectly…..I was like hold on somethings up!
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  • My phone battery can last longer than most relationships these days.
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  • It’s not the size of the ship nor the motion in the ocean…it’s whether the Captain can stay in port long enough for all the passengers to get off..
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  • Want to know if you’re in the wrong relationship? If you were reading this hoping I really had the answer, it’s over. You’re welcome.
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  • Life stops when you stop dreaming, hope ends when you stop believing, love ends when you stop caring, friendship ends when you stop sharing.
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  • If you’re having relationship problems, confess to God not Facebook.
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  • Sharing a Facebook account with your gf/wife is the best way to let everyone know how whipped you are.
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  • Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong. It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego
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  • Sometimes relationships don’t work out because of timing, but most of the time it’s because someone is an asshole.
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  • Sometimes I like to pet another dog while making eye contact with my dog. Adds just the right amount of tension to our relationship.
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  • Not all men just want a relationship for sex. Some want their ironing done too.
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  • Can’t call it a real relationship if you feel single.
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  • A successful relationship is one in which one person shuts up when the other is right.
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  • Perspective is everything. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the live lobsters in the ship’s galley.
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  • I so want to be in a relationship. I want to account for everything I do. Answer to someone when I come home late. And get dragged over the coals for not calling a hundred times a day.
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  • Sometimes a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship is telling you his real name.
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  • I want that “Damn you are still together?” Relationship!
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  • Relation-SHIPS sink when they have too many passengers.
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  • Relationships last longer when everybody doesnt know your business
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  • How nice would it be if when you started rubbing yourself a genie came out, finished you off, cleaned you up & left a chocolate chip cookie.
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  • Facebook needs to add “still banging my ex” as a relationship status option
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  • That uneasy moment when your one night stand thinks otherwise and is anticipating you to change your relationship status.
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  • Before I eat chips, I have to look in the bag for a perfect one
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  • This woman asked me if I had ever been in a stable relationship. I told her that I wasn’t into livestock.
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  • Customs officials in Europe recently seized a shipment of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican. Which can only mean that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford just received a giant box of communion wafers.
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  • If she asks you to be in an open relationship, tell her to walk out that open door. She’s a slut.
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  • When starting a new relationship it’s important to remember that someone already screwed them up for you.
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  • “It’s complicated” relationship status = someone cheated but we signed a lease.
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  • My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bullshit. It’s our sixth season together.
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  • Relationship status table for one but drinks for two.
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  • Relationship status bathing everyday isn’t a priority anymore.
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  • When you’re single nobody likes you… when you’re in a relationship everybody likes you.
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  • My relationship status: Waiting for a miracle.
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  • You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
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  • Some relationships today will end over a “Like” on Facebook.
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  • Things I suck at:1. Being attractive.2. Being normal.3. Relationships.4. Texting back.5. Math.6. Life.
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  • Relationship Status: I ate 7 bananas trying to get the new guy at work to notice me.
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  • That awkward moment where you don’t know if you’re in a relationship or not.
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  • TEXTATIONSHIP: a person that texts you all the time but never makes an effort to see you.
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  • Relationship status: LOL
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  • No relationship is perfect so you might as well pick the perfect person you want to go through hell with
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  • The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, “I think the romance in this relationship is dead.” I wish she wouldn’t talk to me while I’m having a wank.
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  • I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
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  • The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
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  • Relationship status: My sex toys have 2 drawers now.You know you’re getting old when everything either dries up or leaks
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  • The challenge of modern relationships: how to prove more interesting than the other’s smartphone.
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  • Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
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  • Relationship status : Taken (for granted)
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  • I don’t need a stable relationship, I just need a stable internet connection.
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  • Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
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  • Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
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  • Commitment doesn’t mean sticking to one person forever, it means keeping a relationship with someone even though you have lots of options.
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  • I’m in a relationship with sleep and I get some every night…and if I’m lucky i get some during the day.
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  • In successful relationships, no one wears the pants.
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  • The Pope just changed his relationship status to It’s Complicated…
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  • I could never cheat in a relationship… That would require TWO people finding me attractive. I can barely find one.
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  • Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
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  • I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.
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