Hip Jokes

The first rule of relationships: You don’t find out why someone was available until it’s too late.

I’ve always wanted to know how long “forever” was… and by looking at some peoples relationships its around 2 to 4 weeks.

Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.

On Thursday, the captain of the crashed cruise ship Costa Concordia went back to the wreck for the first time since the accident. Said the captain, “It looks so different sober.”

Facebook should invent a relationship status that says “Only when I’m drunk.”

“Wow, this relationship is really rocky. I bet a wedding and baby will solve everything!” Women logic.

Here’s a question. If you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife switched phones and Facebook profiles for 24 hrs would you still have a relationship!!!!

When I was younger, my mom would give me 10 Bucks to go to the grocery store and I would bring a dozen eggs, bag of candy, gallon of milk, a box of tea and potato chips. I can’t do that now though, there are surveillance cameras now.

Facebook does NOT ruin relationships. Relationships ruin Facebook

A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it as long as you want but it won’t go anywhere.

Relationships are like fat people, most of them don’t work out.

If your relationship has more issues than a magazine stand then I suggest you cancel that subscription

“Relationship experts say romance novels are bad because they give women unreasonable expectations. It’s what porno films do for men.”

Throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a flat tire.

Nobody gives a fcuk about how amazing your relationship is. You’re on Facebook. It can’t be that good.

I love my relationship with my bed. No commitment needed. We just sleep together every night.

Stop advertising your relationship on Facebook not everyone wants to see you happy.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn’t sell air.

I hate people who buy gym memberships just to walk on a treadmill. WALKING IS FREE.

I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.

It is so much easier to turn friendship into love, than love into friendship.

Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love.

The worst thing about censorship is ??????????????

If you aren’t happy being single, you’ll never be happy in a relationship. Get your own life first, then share it.

They say 1in every 3 people cheat in a relationship. I’m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.

Facebook should have a relationship status called: Fu*k I don’t know….Ask her

Women fake orgasms to have relationships. Men fake relationships to have orgasms.

I’ve always wanted to know how long “forever” was… and by looking at some people’s relationships, it’s around 2 to 4 weeks.

If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.

My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.

I want a real relationship; not a Facebook one

A relationship where you can act like complete idiots together is the sweetest thing ever.

My girlfriend left me for a Hindu guy. Anyway, he’ll treat her better they worship cows.

If you think you aren’t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.

You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.

The true test of any loving relationship is having two phones and only one functioning charger.

I’m no relationship scientist but I think men prefer girls who make their dck hard, not their life.

When my girlfriend is angry, I go to Facebook and constantly refresh my relationship status to see if I’m single again.

Remember, there can be only one interesting person per relationship.

Marriage… a relationship between a person who’s always right and her husband.

Well I had close call last night! This girl I picked up at the bar, drove me back to her place. She looked like a lady, walked like a lady, even talked like a lady! But when she whipped into that parking spot perfectly…..I was like hold on somethings up!

My phone battery can last longer than most relationships these days.

It’s not the size of the ship nor the motion in the ocean…it’s whether the Captain can stay in port long enough for all the passengers to get off..

Want to know if you’re in the wrong relationship? If you were reading this hoping I really had the answer, it’s over. You’re welcome.

Life stops when you stop dreaming, hope ends when you stop believing, love ends when you stop caring, friendship ends when you stop sharing.

If you’re having relationship problems, confess to God not Facebook.

Sharing a Facebook account with your gf/wife is the best way to let everyone know how whipped you are.

Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong. It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego

Sometimes relationships don’t work out because of timing, but most of the time it’s because someone is an asshole.

Sometimes I like to pet another dog while making eye contact with my dog. Adds just the right amount of tension to our relationship.

Not all men just want a relationship for sex. Some want their ironing done too.

Can’t call it a real relationship if you feel single.

A successful relationship is one in which one person shuts up when the other is right.

Perspective is everything. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the live lobsters in the ship’s galley.

I so want to be in a relationship. I want to account for everything I do. Answer to someone when I come home late. And get dragged over the coals for not calling a hundred times a day.

Sometimes a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship is telling you his real name.

I want that “Damn you are still together?” Relationship!

Relation-SHIPS sink when they have too many passengers.

Relationships last longer when everybody doesnt know your business

How nice would it be if when you started rubbing yourself a genie came out, finished you off, cleaned you up & left a chocolate chip cookie.

Facebook needs to add “still banging my ex” as a relationship status option

That uneasy moment when your one night stand thinks otherwise and is anticipating you to change your relationship status.

Before I eat chips, I have to look in the bag for a perfect one

This woman asked me if I had ever been in a stable relationship. I told her that I wasn’t into livestock.

Customs officials in Europe recently seized a shipment of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican. Which can only mean that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford just received a giant box of communion wafers.

If she asks you to be in an open relationship, tell her to walk out that open door. She’s a slut.

When starting a new relationship it’s important to remember that someone already screwed them up for you.

“It’s complicated” relationship status = someone cheated but we signed a lease.

My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bullshit. It’s our sixth season together.

Relationship status table for one but drinks for two.

Relationship status bathing everyday isn’t a priority anymore.

When you’re single nobody likes you… when you’re in a relationship everybody likes you.

My relationship status: Waiting for a miracle.

You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.

Some relationships today will end over a “Like” on Facebook.

Things I suck at:1. Being attractive.2. Being normal.3. Relationships.4. Texting back.5. Math.6. Life.

Relationship Status: I ate 7 bananas trying to get the new guy at work to notice me.

That awkward moment where you don’t know if you’re in a relationship or not.

TEXTATIONSHIP: a person that texts you all the time but never makes an effort to see you.

Relationship status: LOL

No relationship is perfect so you might as well pick the perfect person you want to go through hell with

The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, “I think the romance in this relationship is dead.” I wish she wouldn’t talk to me while I’m having a wank.

I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.

The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.

Relationship status: My sex toys have 2 drawers now.You know you’re getting old when everything either dries up or leaks

The challenge of modern relationships: how to prove more interesting than the other’s smartphone.

Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.

Relationship status : Taken (for granted)

I don’t need a stable relationship, I just need a stable internet connection.

Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.

Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.

Commitment doesn’t mean sticking to one person forever, it means keeping a relationship with someone even though you have lots of options.

I’m in a relationship with sleep and I get some every night…and if I’m lucky i get some during the day.

In successful relationships, no one wears the pants.

The Pope just changed his relationship status to It’s Complicated…

I could never cheat in a relationship… That would require TWO people finding me attractive. I can barely find one.

Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.

I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.