A little country boy was sitting on the curb with a quart of turpentine and just shaking it all up; just watching all the bubbles. A priest came along and asked the little boy what he was doing. The little boy replied “Well, I’m a just shakin’ the most powerful liquid in the world, it’s called turpentine.” The Priest said, “No, son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.” If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman’s belly, she’ll pass a healthy baby boy.” The little boy replied, “Shoot, that ain’t nothin’. You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat’s a$$, he’ll pass a motorcycle..”
- Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba’s neighbors were Catholic….and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass .and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, ‘You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.’ Bubba’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba’s yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: ‘You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.’
- The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac…sailing on the presidential yacht. They’re admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope’s hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying “Wait, wait. I’ll take care of this. Don’t worry.” Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father’s little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence. The next morning, the Washington Post carries a story, with front page photos, of the event. The banner headline is: “Bush Can’t Swim.”
- How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
- A priest, a rabbi and a minister are fishing in a canoe on a lake. The priest says “I’m gonna get some beer”, steps out of the canoe on to the water and walks to shore. A short time later he walks back, with a 6 pack. The minister cannot beleive his eyes. After some beer, the rabbi says “I need to take a leak”. He stands up, steps onto the water and walks to shore, uses the bathroom by the docks, and walks back. The minister is mad with curiousity, but doesn’t want the others to know that he’s not holy enough to walk on the water. Well, the minister decides to try it himself. He announces “I’m going to get some sandwhiches!”, and steps off the boat. SPLASH!!! The priest turns to the rabbi and says: “I guess we should have told him about those stepping-stones!”
- The Bible According to Kids The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.) In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The seventh commandment is “Thou shalt not admit adultery”. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained that “Man does not live by sweat alone”. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
- What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
- How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
- How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
- I accidentally drank some Holy Water with my laxative.I’m about to start a religious movement.
- Why isn’t holy water used in vaccines?Because you can’t take the lord’s name in vein.