Horse Jokes

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, “Who owns the big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt and said “I do. Why?” The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside.” The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it. Soon Silver was starting to feel better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.” Tonto said, “Sure, Kemosabe”, and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, “Who owns that big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, “I do. What is wrong with him this time?” The cowboy says to him, “Nothin’ much, I just wanted you to know….you left your Injun running.

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. “Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.” The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning..”

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel. Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds. That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease. As a joke, the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast. Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organizers decided to let the city boy have a try. Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony. Everyone was astonished. “Considering you’ve never even sat on a horse before,” said Tommy’s friends, “how on earth did you manage that?” “Easy,” said Tommy, “my wife’s an epileptic.”

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves. As her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune… Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there. “Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog.” The farmer replied, “Well, you know, dogs don’t talk.” The ventriloquist said, “You’d be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?” The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog. “Hi there, Mr. dog,” said the ventriloquist. “How does the farmer treat you?” To which the dog replied, “Oh, he’s great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!” Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded. Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could speak with the farmer’s horse. “Well, you know, horses don’t talk.” Again the ventriloquist said, “You’d be surprised what a horse might tell you.” So the farmer brought out his horse. “Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?” asked the ventriloquist. The horse then replied, “Oh, I think he’s great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!” Again the farmer was amazed. Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, “Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?” “Well,” declared the farmer, “Sheep lie, ya’ know.”

Two women in the one horse town of Parched Gulch had daughters, each of marriageable age. But there were no prospective husbands in town due to shootings, running off with outlaws and drunk riding. And there was no chance at all of any bridegrooms turning up. The two mothers pooled their meager resources, advertised, and sure enough, they got results: twin brothers in Cactus Corners looking for wives. The twin bridegrooms were sent for. Along the way the twins met up with outlaws. One was killed, the other escaped. Upon his arrival, the mothers were in immediate conflict as to whom the surviving twin belonged. They were going to kill each other over it. After all, each had a daughter’s future at stake. They took the case to Judge A.K. Hornswoggle, alcoholic, disbarred, but with Solomonic frontier wisdom. After due deliberation, Hornswoggle ruled that the young man be chopped in half and one half awarded to each daughter. The first mother was outraged. If Hornswoggle wasn’t drunk or stupid, he was a monster for suggesting such a thing. The second mother thought it would not be a bad solution. And pointing to the second mother, Hornswoggle said, “Your daughter gets him. You are the real mother-in-law.”

Q: If one horse is in the corral, running around the perimeter of the fence, and another horse is running free in a field, which one is singing, “Don’t Fence Me In”? A: Neither. Horses can’t sing.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

What would happen if black widow spiders were as big as horses? If one bit you, you could ride it to the hospital.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the jaw, it’s decendents are known today as giraffes.

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name. He replied, “She called Four Horse”. The man said, “That’s an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?” The Old Indian answered, “It old Indian Name. It mean, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!”

These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘ Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.. Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married? A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.. Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’? A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A.. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. “Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.” “Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.” “That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!” Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. “Well, dear, what exactly did he say?” asked the husband. “He said the reflector is broken.” replied the Amish lady. “I can fix that in two minutes. What else?” asked the husband. The wife replied, “I’m not sure, Jacob . . . Something about the emergency brake.”

You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

A blonde named Cindy decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no prior lessons or experience. Cindy mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but Cindy begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, Cindy grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly uneffected by its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunatley, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves. Her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when……… …… the supermarket manager runs out and shuts the horse off.”

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include… 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Saying things like “This is the way we always have ridden this horse” 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses. 7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse. 8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability. 9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today’s environment. 10. Change the requirements declaring that “This horse is not dead”. 11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse. 12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed. 13. Declaring that “No horse is too dead to beat.” 14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse’s performance. 15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper. 16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster. 17. Declare the horse is now “better, faster and cheaper.” 18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses. 19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses. 20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable. 21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. Man: “What was that for?” Wife: “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?” Man: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.” The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. Man: “What was that for this time?” Wife: “Your horse phoned.”

During its heyday the Wells Fargo Company employed a number of specialized stagecoaches such as one with a church for Sunday operation. One of the more popular models featured a darkroom on board, so passengers who took pictures could have them processed en route and the prints delivered at their destination. One day a stagecoach equipped with a darkroom was headed for Wichita when, passing through a small town, it was intercepted by the local marshal, who said, “Halt in the name of the law!” “What’s the problem?” the stagecoach driver asked. “You should know that the operation of a mobile darkroom is illegal in Kansas,” the marshal said. At this point two psychologists on horseback arrived on the scene. One of them said, “I suppose what we have here is a classic case of the Oedipus complex.” The other said, “No, it’s much simpler than that — it’s just an arrested stage of development.”

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they came to the corral, he explained, “That’s a bull and a cow, and he’s serving her.” A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, “That’s a stud and a mare, and he’s serving her, too.” That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, “Will you please serve the turkey?” Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, “If he does, I’m eating a hamburger!”

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

Why do they call a horse a horse? Because they speak English.

A guy is trying to relax at home, but his wife keeps nagging him to mow the lawn. Finally, in between nags he blurts out, “Answer just this one question for me.” She pauses momentarily, and he takes this opportunity to say, “You know, a Deer, a Cow, and a Horse, all eat grass. But a Deer’s excretions are pellets, while a Cow makes flat pies, and a Horse makes clumps…why is that?” His wife says, “I don’t know.” He replies, “Well then, how can you bring up the subject of the lawn, when it’s obvious you don’t know sh*t?”

Q: What would happen if black widow spiders were as big as horses? A: If one bit you, you could ride it to the hospital.

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation. Cowboy: “Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him? Indian: “Dog no talk.” Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?” Dog: “Doin’ alright.” Indian: Look of shock. Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?” Pointing at the Indian. Dog: “Yep.” Cowboy: “How does he treat you?” Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.” Indian: Look of disbelief. Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?” Indian: “Horse no talk.” Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?” Horse: “Good.” Indian: Extreme look of shock. Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” Pointing at the Indian. Horse: “Yep.” Cowboy: “How does he treat you?” Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me.” Indian: Complete look of utter amazement. Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?” Indian: “Sheep liar.”

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

Q: What kind of television do horses like? A: Saddle-lite TV

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse…… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

What kind of television do horses like? Saddle-lite TV