Iron Jokes

I got this e-mail today. It had a diferent title, but it may offend some, so I changed it. On a Sears hairdryer –” Do not use while sleeping.” (That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos — “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.” (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that would be???….) On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (but, it’s just a suggestion.) On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.” (well…duh, a bit late, huh!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.” (…and you thought????…) On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.” (but wouldn’t this save me time?) On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning:May cause drowsiness.” (…I’m taking this because???….) On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (as opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.” (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.) On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.” (talk about a news flash) On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: say what?) On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, “I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, but occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse says, “I worked in an operating room. It’s a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The third nurse says, “I was a case manager for an HMO.” St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse’s file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, “Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven … for five days!”

Why did Hellen Kellar burn her ear? The phone rang and she answered the iron. Why did she burn her other ear? They called back.

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,” and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians…It creates a hostile work environment.

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include… 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Saying things like “This is the way we always have ridden this horse” 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses. 7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse. 8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability. 9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today’s environment. 10. Change the requirements declaring that “This horse is not dead”. 11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse. 12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed. 13. Declaring that “No horse is too dead to beat.” 14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse’s performance. 15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper. 16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster. 17. Declare the horse is now “better, faster and cheaper.” 18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses. 19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses. 20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable. 21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

It’s out! Brand new edition of… “You know you’re A redneck when……” 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly Swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think the “nutcracker” is something you do off the high dive. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has “ammo” on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your Father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side. 24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of Improvements. 28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on Jury Duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker the second Wednesday of every month.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

The Law of Volunteering” If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. “The Law of Avoiding Oversell” When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. “The Law of Common Sense” Never accept a drink from a urologist. “The Law of Reality” Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. “The Law of Self Sacrifice” When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. “Weiler’s Law” Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself. “Law of Probable Dispersal” Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. “Law of Volunteer Labor” People are always available for work in the past tense. “Conway’s Law” In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired. “Iron Law of Distribution” Them that has, gets. “Law of Cybernetic Entomology” There is always one more bug. “Law of Drunkenness” You can’t fall off the floor. “Heller’s Law” The first myth of management is that it exists. “Osborne’s Law” Variables won’t; constants aren’t. “Main’s Law” For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. “Weinberg’s Second Law” If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, there was a good logical reason for removing the Ten Commandments monument from the Alabama Supreme Court building. You cannot post things like “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery”, and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Q: How does a pair of pants feel when it is ironed? A: Depressed.

A young Southern couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. “Well,” said her mother, “So how was the honeymoon, darlin?” “Oh, mama,” she replied, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic… Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language – things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to take me home… PLEASE MAMA!” “Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?” “Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!” “Darlin, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your Mama these horrible 4-letter words!” Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, Mama… he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook…” “I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes,” said the mother.

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?” She replies, “I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.” “Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.” “Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.” “But, where did you get the tools?” “Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.” The guy is stunned. “Let’s row over to my place,” she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white While the woman ties up the rowboat wit h an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?” “No! No thank you,” he blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.” “It’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.” No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. “This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What next?” When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for many months. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for?” She stares into his eyes. He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean . . he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.” . . . “Don’t tell me you’ve built a Golf Course!”

I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing. I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I thought nothing of it and was about to swing when I heard, “ribbit … 9 iron.” I looked around and didn’t see anyone. Again, I heard, “ribbit 9 iron.” I looked at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, put the club away, and grabbed a 9 iron. Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup. I was shocked. I said to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, “ribbit lucky frog.” so I decided to take the frog with him me the next hole. “What do you think frog?” I asked. “ribbit 3 wood.” I took out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. I was befuddled and didn’t know what to say. by the end of the day, i golfed the best game of golf in my life and asked the frog, “ok where to next?” The frog replies, “ribbit las vegas”. We went to las vegas and said, “Ok frog, now what?” The frog says, “ribbit roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, I asked, “what do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “ribbit $3000, black 6.” Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game I figured what the heck. Boom! tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. I took my winnings and bought the best room in the hotel. I sat the frog down and said, “frog, I don’t know how to repay you. you’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.” The frog replies, “ribbit kiss me.” I figured why not, since after all the frog did for me, he deserves it. with a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous and well-developped 15-year-old girl. “And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God”

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives.” He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.” Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard — but no Ark. “Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?” “Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. “I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. “Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. “Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentaliststhat I needed the wood to save the owls — but no go! “When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property. “Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-poof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment. “I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew. “Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits.. “The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. “To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. “So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark.” Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean You’re not going to destroy the world?”. “No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”

Jesus, Moses, and another guy are standing on the tee of a water hazard. Jesus hits the ball and hooks it into the water. Next, Moses tees up and also hooks it into the water. The third guy comes up to the tee and as he hits a big gust of wind comes up and blows his ball into the water as well. All three walk up to the water together, Moses walks up to the water and strikes it with his sand wedge.The water parts and he hits it onto the fairway. Next Jesus walks onto the water, the ball rises to the top of the water and Jesus pulls out his 5 iron and hits onto the green. The third guy just stands there a moment, all of a sudden a fishereagle dives from the sky grabs the third guys ball out of the water carries it to the green and drops it into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says “That’s the last time we play with your dad.

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, “I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang – but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.” “Oh Dear!” the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. “But, what happened to your other ear?” “The jerk called back!”

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

On a recent flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die,” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?” For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Montana stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt…one button at a time. ..No one moves. ..He removes his shirt. ..Muscles ripple across his chest. ..She gasps… ..He whispers: “Iron this, and get me something to eat….”

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved. You have to have attained a certain age to remember “Tatoo”, the short person on the TV series, “Fantasy Island”, with Ricardo Montelban and Herve Villechaize. You remember………”The Plane, Boss, The Plane ” !!! OK. It seems before Herve’s passing, he established an entire neighborhood of fully furnished, high dollar, condominiums in Florida’s Dade County. These condo’s were explicitly designed for persons Herve’s size. Everything was miniaturized down to the last detail. The benefactor, (Herve), provided this community of some 150 condo’s expressly for “The Little People” to have a free haven for the gathering and support of each other in a completely ‘No-Rent’, ‘No Mortgage’ environment! This totally unselfish gesture was not highly publicized. But, it was recently uncovered that the advertisement for taking over ownership of one of the condo’s was first spotted on aisle 6 of the HABA section in the grocery store, and billed as………………… Stay-Free Mini Pads !

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives.” He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.” Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard — but no Ark. “Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?” “Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. “I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. “Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. “Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentaliststhat I needed the wood to save the owls — but no go! “When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property. “Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-poof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment. “I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew. “Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits.. “The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. “To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. “So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark.” Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean You’re not going to destroy the world?”. “No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth. ENGINEERING: It is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest “ergodynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel”… ACCOUNTING: You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter! DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Managers,” as everyone in your social circle is a “Manager.” CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

Condition One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!” “What’s the problem, Eve?” “Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I’m just not happy.” “Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above. “Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.” “Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.” “What’s a ‘man’, Lord?” “This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.” “Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “Yeah, well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.” “What’s that, Lord?” “You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

What the teacher says and (what the teacher means) 1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed informationfrom his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test). 2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can’t stay seated for five minutes). 3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction. (He’s definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met). 4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don’t intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn’t done one assignment all term). 5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from15 feet away). 6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working). 7. Your daughter’s greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument). 8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. (He’s a bully). 9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond). 10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. (She’s so immature that we’ve run out of diapers). 11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. (He must have written the Whiner’s Guide). 12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year’s repetition of her learning environment. (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade). 13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,”Ribbit. 9 Iron.” The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone.”Ribbit. 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing.” You must be a lucky frog, eh?” The frog replys “Ribbit. Lucky frog.” The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.”What do you think frog?” The man asks. “Ribbit. 3 wood.” The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?” The frog reply, “Ribbit.Las Vegas.” They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit. $3000, black 6.” Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says,”Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.” The frog replies, “Ribbit…….Kiss Me.” He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 16-year-old girl. “And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room”.

I really wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting but it is so difficult in today’s world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my attorney yesterday, and on his advice I want to say to all of you: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only “AMERICA” in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. “Well,” said her mother, “so – how was the honeymoon?” “Oh, mama,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…” Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language – things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home … PLEASE MAMA!” “Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?” “Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed – they’re just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!” “Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset… Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!” Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, mama…words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook….”

Dividing Nuts On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One foryou, one for me.” He knew what it was. “Oh, my!” he shuddered, “It’s Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!” He cycled down the road as fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come quick!” said the boy. “You won’t believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls.” The man said, “Shoo, you brat! Can’t you see I’m finding it hard to walk as it is!” After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me…” The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been telling the truth! Let’s see if we can see the Devil himself.” Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence, and we’ll be done.” They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

Top Ten Signs You Might Not Be Ready To Join The Air Force 10. You’re afraid of loud noises, heights, and airplanes (First Lieutenant Maggie Rudolphi) 9. For you, the thrill of flight is the little package of salted nuts (Senior Airman Lesley Toussaint) 8. In high school, you were voted “queasiest” (Tech Sergeant Andrea Knutson) 7. You don’t mind flying once you’ve had a few drinks (Master Sergeant Chuck Kramer) 6. You pass out from G-Forces incurred from riding an escalator (Tech Sergeant Josh Haney) 5. Whenever you see an “eject” lever you impulsively pull it (First Lieutenant Agnes Leam) 4. Show up to the recruiting center carrying a seatbelt extender (Chief Master Sergeant Juan Claudio) 3. Your primary reason for enlisting is “to meet Iron Man” (Lieutenant Colonel Bonnie Bossler) 2. You giggle every time you say, “cockpit” (Master Sergeant Dusty Lee) 1. Out motto, “aim high” — your motto, “I’m high” (Colonel Marcus Johnson) David Letterman

Science Lesson Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things. What am I?” Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, “You’re a mother!”

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved. You have to have attained a certain age to remember “Tatoo”, the short person on the TV series, “Fantasy Island”, with Ricardo Montelban and Herve Villechaize. You remember………”The Plane, Boss, The Plane ” !!! OK. It seems before Herve’s passing, he established an entire neighborhood of fully furnished, high dollar, condominiums in Florida’s Dade County. These condo’s were explicitly designed for persons Herve’s size. Everything was miniaturized down to the last detail. The benefactor, (Herve), provided this community of some 150 condo’s expressly for “The Little People” to have a free haven for the gathering and support of each other in a completely ‘No-Rent’, ‘No Mortgage’ environment! This totally unselfish gesture was not highly publicized. But, it was recently uncovered that the advertisement for taking over ownership of one of the condo’s was first spotted on aisle 6 of the HABA section in the grocery store, and billed as………………… Stay-Free Mini Pads !

You might be a redneck if …. You’ve ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table. Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings. You’ve ever re-used a paper plate. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side. If you’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table. Your turkey platter is an old hub cap. Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them. Your stuffing’s secret ingredient comes from the bait shop. Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup. Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies. You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge. The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. Your secret family recipe is illegal. You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.” 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.” 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week.” 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why.” 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.” 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.” 7. My mother taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.” 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.” 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?” 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.” 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.” 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!” 13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.” 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your father.” 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.” 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.” 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home.” 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.” 19. My mother taught me ESP. “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?” 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.” 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.” 23. My mother taught me ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?” 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.” 25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.” How many of these did your mother teach? AND how many did you teach your children?

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit. 9- Iron”. The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. “Ribbit. 9-Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked! He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?” The frog replies “Ribbit. Lucky frog.” The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think frog?” the man asks. “Ribbit. 3-wood.” The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?” The frog replies, “Ribbit. Las Vegas.” They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit. Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit. $3000,black 6.” Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom – tons of cash come sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.” The frog replies, “Ribbit, Kiss Me.” He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. “And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.”

One Sunday morning, Father Micheal wakes up, looks at the azure sky and thinks to himself, Sod it! Think I will call in a sicky and go and play golf. He calls his Curate and tells him he feels terrible to have to cut out of his Sunday services, but he is really sick. The Devil turns to God and asked “Are you going to let hime get away with this blatant dereliction of duty?” “Nope.” Replied God. “Just watch and learn.” Father Micheal decided that he aught to drive a distance away so he isn’t recognised by any of his parishoners. He drives to High Elms near Farnborough in Kent and manages to get a green fee. Father Micheal lines himself up on the first tee, takes a swipe at the ball and smashes it, straigh and true, past the bunker, splitting the fairway and leaving himself a short pitch to the sloping green. He selects his pitching wedge, takes a practice swing then hits the ball. It lands just inside the greenside bunker, skips on for a bounce or two, then rolls in a slow arc towards the pin, leaving a six inch up-hill put for birdie which he makes. Father Micheal is delighted. “You are rewarding him for his slothfulness.” Says the Devil. “Shhh.” Replies God. “Watch and learn.” Father Micheal slides his tee shot to the second around the trees on the right, his ball lands in the middle of the fairway leaving no more than a short wedge to the green. He birdies the hole. He pars the third and pars the difficult fourth. Then, at the fifth, a short par three, Father Micheal’s nine iron bounces once on the green and into the hole. His first ever ace! “Come on God, the guy is playing better than professional golf here, do you not care he has bunked off work?” “Shhh!” Says God. “Watch and learn.” Father Micheal continues, either paring or birdying his way around the course. Even the horrendously difficult thirteenth causes no problem to Father Micheal. He completes his round seven under par, has not dropped a shot and played the game of his life. “Look!” Says the Devil, “This is just cannot right, you have allowed this servant of yours to bunk off work, play the game of his dreams, with your help on occasion I noticed, and as far as I can see, no punishment for his tardiness. If that is how you treat your followers, I really must have got it wrong.” The Devil is perplexed. “I just don’t understand it.” “Ahh but,” Begins God. “It is true he has played, probably one of the best rounds ever to be played at High Elms, but, and this is the punishment, who can he tell?”

I believe that earlier this year the US Postal Service also issued a set of stamps featuring american racehorses. This must be one of the great ironies of the horse racing industry. If a horse wins its races it gets put on the front of a postage stamp. If it loses it gets put on the back!

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Palmolive soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that would be how???….) On some frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (but, it’s “just” a suggestion). On Nanna’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down.” (well…duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.”(…and you thought????…) On packaging for a K-Mart iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (but wouldn’t this save me more time?) On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine:”Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (and…I’m taking this because???….) On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.”(as opposed to…what?) On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.”(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.) On Nobby’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.” (talk about a news flash!) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet,eat nuts.” (Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?) I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (…was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?” The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, “No.” The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.” The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked. “Yes”, he replied. The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?” “Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!” The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie. “Is this your wife?” the Lord asked. “Yes,” cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!” The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, “Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don’t want her to share me with anyone, so THAT’S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie.” The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife!

Golf Meditations If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again. Any change works for a maximum of three holes . . . or at a minimum of not at all. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors. If it ain’t broke, try changing your grip. Golfers who claim they don’t cheat also lie. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck. It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt ……for an 8. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. It’s not a gimme if you’re still away. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree. There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it. You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard. To calculate the speed of a players down swing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap; i.e. backswing 20mph, handicap 15, downswing = 600mph. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one in wearing the glove. Hazards attract, fairways repel. You can put “draw” on the ball, you can put “fade” on the ball, but no golfer can put “straight” on the ball. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint. Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room. “What are you doing?” she asked. “I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law said. “I am wearing my love dress.” “Love dress? But you’re naked!” said the mother-in-law. “My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained. “It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.” The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. What are you doing?” he asked. This is my love dress” she whispered, sensually. “Needs ironing,” he said.

Just been watching women’s golf on Sky. It’s so much like real life…They’re shit at driving but great with an iron!

It’s ironic how people who wear track suits all day every day are the laziest bastards in the fucking world!

I’ve just read that taking your bike to work everyday is good for the environment, so I thought, ‘Oh well, why not?’It’s not like I’m using the roof rack for anything else anyway!

I was ironing in front of my front room window, wearing nothing but nappies and a gas mask the other day. I’m lucky nobody saw me, imagine the embarrassment – me, a full grown man……Ironing!

Sex has gone downhill with the wife, so I bought her a dildo.“It looks like a carrot!” she said.Which is ironic, as her fanny looks like a donkey yawning!

The missus told me the cat had to be chipped…I only had a nine iron but still got it over the shed!

My mate was the fittest person I knew. He went to the gym 7 days a week. Entered Ironman contests, he even did back to back marathons once.Then one day he went for a jog in the park and BANG!He met a girl, got married… …and now he’s a fat cunt just like the rest of us!

Just been watching womens golf on Sky. It’s so much like real life…They’re shit at driving but great with an iron!

Does anybody else feel the intense awkwardness when a woman doesn’t choose the iron in a game of Monopoly?

I’ve just read that taking your bike to work everyday is good for the environment, so I thought oh well, why not?It’s not like I’m using the roof rack for anything else anyway!

Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled.I laughed at the irony.Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

Iron man is actually Fe male. don’t dislike it if you don’t get it

Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?

Oh the Irony…. My predictive text doesn’t know how to spell Nostradamus.

I was pumping some iron in the gym yesterday, when the trainer pointed out that the hole in the weights was supposed to be for attaching them to a bar.

My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she’d just ironed. It may sound far-fetched but it’s true. I watched it all unfold.

The definition of irony; Not knowing the difference between a definition, and an example.

Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 34, looking for some action!”, so I sent her my ironing, that’ll keep her busy.

Driving a Prius shows women that you are socially responsible, environmentally conscious, and will be completely unable to make them cum.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist..

Not all men just want a relationship for sex. Some want their ironing done too.

Roses are red, violets are blue…valentine’s crap is over now don’t you have some ironing to do?

It’s quite ironic. Whitney used to do commercials for Pepsi, then spend all the money she made on Coke.

How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she’s the one.

Porn Hub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos viewed on its site. The amount of tissue paper I get through, I’m still not sure that’s environmentally sustainable.

Isn’t it ironic how so many females are attracted to assholes, but rarely say “yes” to anal?

Ironic! That even if Oscar pistorious is found not guilty .He still won’t walk free

Roses are red, violets are blue…valentine’s crap is over now don’t you have some ironing to do

Isn’t it ironic that to be popular on social networks, you have to sacrifice your social life.

The irony of social media is that the majority of users are all alone.

Favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell’s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad

Husband: Let’s try a different position tonight. Wife: That’s a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Life is ironic. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without them.

Must be detail oriented and thrive in a fun, upbeat, unforgiving environment.

My friend told me I don’t understand irony, which is ironic since we were waiting for the bus.

Never iron a four leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.

I’ve just read that if you take your bike to work it’s so much better for the environment…So fuck it, tomorrow that’s what I’m going to do. Afterall I don’t use the roof-rack for anything else!

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover?Because you shouldn’t press your luck.

The adjective for metal is metallic.But not so for iron… which is ironic.

The adjective for metal is metallic.But not so for iron.. which is ironic.

Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover?Because you shouldn’t press your luck.

What’s the difference between Iron man and aluminum man?Iron man stops the criminals! Aluminum man just foils their plans.

In Greek mythology, Chiron is a half-man half-horse who had great knowledge of medicine and health.So he’s a centaur for disease control.

My friend got a random nosebleed and commented how weird it is that blood tastes metalic.I said: Yes it’s pretty ironic.