Keyboard Jokes

Memory was something you lost with age An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano A web was a spider’s home A virus was the flu A CD was a bank account A hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And if you had a 3 inch floppy .. … you just hoped nobody ever found out!!

Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks. Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, “There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You’ll have to get rid of that coffee.” The officer said meekly, “Sure, but why?” “Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard.”

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, “Leave me alone!” They both jumped back, silenced. “Whaa??” the teacher blubbered. Then I typed, “I said leave me alone!” The kid got really upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!” It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: “Don’t touch me!” Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.” Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realised what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

Funny helpdesk chat transcripts: Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one… ——————————————————————– Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out. Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck. Helpdesk: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note ….” Customer: No … wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry …….. ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? ———————————————————— Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello… I can’t print. Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and .. Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates! ——————————————————————– Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it… ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: What’s on your monitor now ma’am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: And now hit F8. Customer: It’s not working. Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly? Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing’s happening… ——————————————————————– Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Helpdesk: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer. Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work! ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? ——————————————————————- A customer couldn’t get on the internet. Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it. Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Helpdesk: That’s not an antivirus program. Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer. ——————————————————————– Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears! ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you? Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me? Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don’t understand your problem? Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me? ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: How may I help you? Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail. Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it.

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound the make as they go flying by. 3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? 4. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 5. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. 6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. 7. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it. 8. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue. 9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again. 10. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the hell is the ceiling?!” 12. My Reality Check bounced. 13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 14. I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier. 15. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, ‘cuz, like to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 17. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo. 18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

One night at Club Chintz, the mindreader closes her set by reading the mind of the each of the musicians in the band. First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist: “Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! I bet they’re all here to see me. Good crowd!” Then the drummer: “Look at that crowd! With this many people in the house, we’re going to make good money tonight!” Then the Keyboard player: “Yeesh, look at that crowd. None of them will ever truly appreciate all of my talent. What a bunch of losers.” Finally, the Bass player: “E E E E E E E E A A A A A A A A E E E E E E E E…”

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A little while into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a frustrated look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, “Leave me alone!” They both jumped back, silenced. “Whaaa??” the teacher blubbered. Then I typed, “I said leave me alone!” The kid got really upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!” It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: “Don’t touch me!” Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.” Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

I asked the librarian if he had the new book about erectile dysfunction.He tapped his keyboard, and peered at the screen. “It’s not coming up”, he frowned.I said, “That’s the one!”

My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer…I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

I’ve lost control and can’t escape…Must get a new keyboard!

Got sacked from my job on the keyboard assembly line…The boss said I never put in a decent shift!

I dropped a really big crumb on my laptop keyboard. Turned out to be nothing to worry about though. It’s under Ctrl!

My friends started a new bar band… Drums, guitars, keyboard and bass guitar. They call themselves 999 Megabytes cuz they don’t have a Gig yet.

A spider just crawled onto my keyboard. Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl.

My dick is so long if I laid it on the keyboard it would stretch all the way from A to Z …. ….. …. Wait… Shit…

Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to stop me from savagely beating one of my coworkers with a keyboard.

I play the keyboard in a band called The Internet!

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

Licking whiskey off your keyboard in the morning is something everyone does, right?

My wife said to me, “Isn’t it odd how on our keyboard the letters ORPN have been worn out?”

I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape, I don’t even have a home anymore…Definitely time for a new keyboard.

I love spending my Sundays sat watching the F1. My wife thinks I’m going f*cking mental though, just sitting there staring at the top left of my keyboard for several hours at a time.

I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.They told me I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

I got fired from the keyboard factory today…It seems I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

I ran into the office this morning and switched the m and n keys on as many keyboards as I could. Some might call me a monster but…The rest are definitely goimg to call ne a nomster.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

I was so angry that I threw my keyboard against the wall and parts flew everywhere.That’s when the shift hit the fan.

I got fired from a keyboard factory because I didn’t put in enough shifts.So they wouldn’t let me return or enter. They even changed the caps locks.