Knickers Jokes

I was in the barbers this morning. The barber said, “I’ve finished, would you like anything on it?”I said, “Yes a pair of knickers, as you’ve made me look like a right cunt!”

I can’t wait to get home to rip my wife’s knickers off…Quite frankly they’re way too small for me!

Feeling horny, I phoned the wife for some hot phone sex. “Tell me if you’re wearing any knickers,” I said. “Actually, I’m not.” she replied. “Ooh you mucky little minx. What are you doing?” I asked provocatively. “Having a shit,” wasn’t really the answer I was looking for!

As I was sitting alone at the bar, a woman came and sat opposite me and spread her legs wide revealing crotchless panties under her mini skirt “Want some of that?”, she winked. “Fuck no!” I replied. “Look what it has done to your knickers!”

2 female police officer dog handlers are on the beat.“I’m cold. I left my knickers at the station.”“Let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he’ll fetch them for you.”The dog returns 20 minutes later with her knickers, a truncheon and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!

I took a girl home. We got kissing on the sofa & before long, I slipped my hand into her knickers. She asked, “Shall we take this upstairs?”I said, “No, I’d rather we did it here.”“Oh I see,” she winked. “Something in your bedroom you don’t want me to see?”“Yeah, my wife!”

A girl visits her doctors & tells him she has a terrible discharge.“Take your knickers off, spread your legs & I’ll check it out.”She drops her knickers, opens her legs & he has a good feel around.“How does that feel?”“Bloody wonderful but the discharge is from my ears!”

I was buying my wife some underwear. I asked the shop assistant, “Are these knickers satin?”“No,” she said. “They’re brand new!”

I knocked on my neighbours door earlier, and said, “Can you have my children? I’ll be no longer than a few minutes.She said, “Yeah, no problem.”I said, “Great! Get your knickers off then!”

2 female police officer dog handlers on the beat. One says, “I left my knickers at the station”. The other says, “Let the dog have a sniff of your fanny & he’ll fetch them”. The dog returned 20 mins later with her knickers, 2 truncheons and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!

I phoned the NHS line today and said, “I’m having a real problem getting an erection.”“Well we’re here to help you as much as we can sir,” the woman replied.“Fucking great,” I said . “What colour knickers are you wearing?”

I came out of the toilet, did up my zip and said, “I’d give it ten minutes.”My wife said, “Urgh, have you done a smelly shit?”I said, “No, your sister’s putting her knickers back on!”

When I arrive home last night my girlfriend was sat opposite me with her legs wide open. I said to her, “Are you wearing crotchless knickers?”“Oh, yes!” she replied with a little smile.I said, “Thank fuck for that. I thought the sofa had burst!”

Brought the wife a pair of crotchless knickers for halloween…There’s nothing sexual in it, but she’ll get a better grip on her broomstick!

BREAKING NEWSA lorry carrying incontinence pants has shed its load on the motorway. Police are warning of long delays due to rubberknickers!

“You must have been alone for quite some time,” said my new girlfriend as she was getting naked in front of me.“How do you know?” I asked her.“Because you just put a tenner in my knickers!”

I phoned the NHS line today and said, “I’m having a real problem getting an erection.”“Well we’re here to help you as much as we can sir,” the woman replied.“Fucking great,” I said. “What colour knickers are you wearing?”

Hey! I got a new job working in quality control at a knickers factory! I’ll be pulling down about 800 a week.

I just saw two blind and deaf lesbians walking down the street with their hands down one anothers knickers…..I think they were lip reading?

My wife has asked me to stop writing jokes about her big knickers…But there’s such a lot of material!

The actor who played Captain Kirk in Star Trek has announced that his female lingerie business has been a total failure…In hindsight, maybe Shatner Knickers wasn’t the best name for the venture!

Two female police officer dog handlers on the beat. One says, “I left my knickers at the station”. The other says, “Let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he’ll fetch them.”The dog returned 20 mins later with her knickers, 2 truncheons and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!