Land Jokes

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was. “Go down the hill,” I told them, “out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you’ll see it on your right.” Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. “They’re from England,” he said. “I think they’re looking for the elevator.”

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course”, comes the reply. The first man then asks: “Where are you from?” “I’m from Scotland”, replies the second man. The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Scotland too! Let’s have another round to Scotland.” “Of Course”, replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Scotland are you from?” “Aberdeen”, comes the reply. “I can’t believe it”, says the first man. “I’m from Aberdeen too! Let’s have another drink to Aberdeen.” “Of course”, replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?” “Saint Andrews”, replies the second man. “I graduated in ’62.” “This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in ’62, too!” About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?”, he asks the bartender “Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The MacClyde twins are drunk again.”

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.” On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note: “Dear Madam, Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 – it had never been occupied; #2 – there was plenty of heat; and #3 – it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 – it had been previously occupied, #2 – there wasn’t any heat, and #3 – it was entirely too large.” Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note: ” Dear Sir, #1 – I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 – As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. #3 – Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, “I’d like to ride in that airplane.” And every year his wife would say, “I know, Johnny, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.” This one year Johnny and his wife went to the fair and Johnny said, “I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance.” “That airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”, replied his wife. The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.” Johnny and his wife agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Johnny, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.” Johnny replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when my wife fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”

Why is the letter T like an island? Because its in the middle of water!!!

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved. You have to have attained a certain age to remember “Tatoo”, the short person on the TV series, “Fantasy Island”, with Ricardo Montelban and Herve Villechaize. You remember………”The Plane, Boss, The Plane ” !!! OK. It seems before Herve’s passing, he established an entire neighborhood of fully furnished, high dollar, condominiums in Florida’s Dade County. These condo’s were explicitly designed for persons Herve’s size. Everything was miniaturized down to the last detail. The benefactor, (Herve), provided this community of some 150 condo’s expressly for “The Little People” to have a free haven for the gathering and support of each other in a completely ‘No-Rent’, ‘No Mortgage’ environment! This totally unselfish gesture was not highly publicized. But, it was recently uncovered that the advertisement for taking over ownership of one of the condo’s was first spotted on aisle 6 of the HABA section in the grocery store, and billed as………………… Stay-Free Mini Pads !

A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour through the hinterlands of southern Arkansas and was visiting one particular farmer. He was standing, alongside of the farmer, leaning on the corral rail – as he always did before pitching “the new line of tractors” – and looking at all of the farm animals in the barnyard. Seeing one particular pig, he said: “Say, that sure is a fine hog, but, you know, I have never seen a pig with one wooden leg before.” The farmer said: “You see, that there pig is one valuable animal, I can tell you. That there hog saved my life three times.” “The first time was about a month ago. My wife fried potatoes for supper, just the way I like them, and left the frying pan on the stove. About midnight or so, the pig must have smelled the smoke, but be broke out of his pen, butted the house door open with his snout, woke us up and we got out of the house just in time.” “And it wasn’t but two weeks later and I was mowing on the back forty and I tipped the tractor over and it pinned me under the rear wheel. Gas was leaking out of the tank onto the hot manifold and that pig must have heard me yelling, because he broke out again, ran up to me, saw what had happened, ran to the neighbour, got help and the neighbour came with his tractor and pulled me free.” “And just last week, I was leading the old dairy bull out to pasture, and he raised up and pulled the ring out of his nose and, quick as two shakes of a dog’s tail, he knocked me down. He jumped on me and straddled me with his horns and was about to gore me, when the old pig heard what was going on, broke out again, ran up, got a firm hold on the old bull’s tail and I got away.” Having heard the explanation, the salesman said: “All well and good, but that doesn’t explain why that hog has got a wooden leg.” The farmer replied: “Well, in a way, it does. A pig that is that valuable is way too valuable to eat all at one time”.

Hang on to any of the new Newfoundland quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.The Canadian Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Newfoundland quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each province. “We are recalling all the new Newfoundland quarters that were recently issued,” Canadian Mint Deputy Minister Jack Shackleford said Monday. “This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices.” The quarters were issued in the order in which the various provinces joined Confederation. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. “The problem lies in the unique design of the Newfoundland quarter, which was created by a team of Newfoundlanders,” Shackleford said. “Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices.”

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time) Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about. Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly. Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Shopping Dividers I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?” I said, “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today…” She said, “OK,” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue what had just happened…

When George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops, there were 33 (remember this number) in Washington’s boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites. Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, ‘General, I see lights ahead.’ They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn’t know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there. Washington was the first to speak, ‘Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.’ Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, ‘Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.. How many men do you have?’ Washington replied, ‘Well, Madam, there are only 32 of us here without Peters.’

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with, “This was England’s finest hour.” Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, “Winston Churchill.” “Congratulations,” said the teacher, “you may go home.” The teacher then said, “Ask not what your country can do for you.” Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, “John F. Kennedy.” “Very good,” says the teacher, “you may go.” Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, “I wish those girls would just shut up.” Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, “Bill Clinton. I’ll see you Monday.”

One Sunday morning, Father Micheal wakes up, looks at the azure sky and thinks to himself, Sod it! Think I will call in a sicky and go and play golf. He calls his Curate and tells him he feels terrible to have to cut out of his Sunday services, but he is really sick. The Devil turns to God and asked “Are you going to let hime get away with this blatant dereliction of duty?” “Nope.” Replied God. “Just watch and learn.” Father Micheal decided that he aught to drive a distance away so he isn’t recognised by any of his parishoners. He drives to High Elms near Farnborough in Kent and manages to get a green fee. Father Micheal lines himself up on the first tee, takes a swipe at the ball and smashes it, straigh and true, past the bunker, splitting the fairway and leaving himself a short pitch to the sloping green. He selects his pitching wedge, takes a practice swing then hits the ball. It lands just inside the greenside bunker, skips on for a bounce or two, then rolls in a slow arc towards the pin, leaving a six inch up-hill put for birdie which he makes. Father Micheal is delighted. “You are rewarding him for his slothfulness.” Says the Devil. “Shhh.” Replies God. “Watch and learn.” Father Micheal slides his tee shot to the second around the trees on the right, his ball lands in the middle of the fairway leaving no more than a short wedge to the green. He birdies the hole. He pars the third and pars the difficult fourth. Then, at the fifth, a short par three, Father Micheal’s nine iron bounces once on the green and into the hole. His first ever ace! “Come on God, the guy is playing better than professional golf here, do you not care he has bunked off work?” “Shhh!” Says God. “Watch and learn.” Father Micheal continues, either paring or birdying his way around the course. Even the horrendously difficult thirteenth causes no problem to Father Micheal. He completes his round seven under par, has not dropped a shot and played the game of his life. “Look!” Says the Devil, “This is just cannot right, you have allowed this servant of yours to bunk off work, play the game of his dreams, with your help on occasion I noticed, and as far as I can see, no punishment for his tardiness. If that is how you treat your followers, I really must have got it wrong.” The Devil is perplexed. “I just don’t understand it.” “Ahh but,” Begins God. “It is true he has played, probably one of the best rounds ever to be played at High Elms, but, and this is the punishment, who can he tell?”

1. Teaching Math In 1950s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? 2. Teaching Math In 1960s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100 His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? 3. Teaching Math In 1970s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? 4. Teaching Math In 1980s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 5. Teaching Math In 1990s A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok.) 6. Teaching Math In 2008 Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la pro ducciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are supposed to be paved with gold. But the husband can find no work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family…” Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black man coming over the top of the hill, who is struggling with a broken grocery sack and loses a wheel of his cheese. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the large wheel of cheddar cheese from the Black man’s grocery bag rolls down the hill and lands at the Mexican’s feet! “Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!” he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos. “But wouldn’t you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?” She inquires. “No,” the husband says, “Jesus sent this to me with a message…As I ran home, I kept hearing a voice from Him yelling, ‘THAT’S NACHO CHEESE! THAT’S NACHO CHEESE!

A man was trapped on a deserted island that was sinking into the sea. As the water lapped around his feet, a motor boat suddenly approached the island. “Come on man, get in” said the boatman. “No”, said the guy on the island, “I have faith in Jesus. He will save me.” The boat went off and the water continued to rise. When it was up to the guy’s chest, another boat appeared. “Get in the boat, or you’re going to drown” said the boatman. Again, the guy said “No, I have faith in Jesus. He will save me.” Finally the water was up to the guy’s chin when a third boat appeared. “Get in, this is your last chance.” “No, Jesus will save me.” So the boat went off, the water continued to rise and the guy drowned. He went up to heaven and was greeted by Jesus. “Hey, Jesus,” he said, “I trusted in you all my life and you let me drown. I don’t believe it.” “YOU don’t believe it?!??!” Jesus said. “I sent three boats to save you.”

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them. Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, “Jim, are we landscaping today?”

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator, which she did. The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, ‘Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?’ Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself. Men never learn!

Bear-Hunting Preacher A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he collided with a bear, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. His rifle went one way, and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging at him, and he couldn’t move. “Oh, Lord,” the preacher prayed, “I’m so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that’s coming at me. Please,Lord!” That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud at the preacher’s feet: “Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive…”

The New Survivor Have you heard about the next planned “Survivor” show? 6 Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food. Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc. The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is no remote. The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas. The kids vote them off the island, based on performance. The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment’s notice. If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years – eventually earning the right to be called “Mother”.

Why is Mitt Romney still hiding his tax returns? Top 5 guesses: 1. He filed all of his corporations as dependents- Because they’re people too 2. He can’t remember which house he left them in 3. He actually owns the Cayman Islands 4. He wrote off all of his $10k bet losses to Rick Perry as charitable deductions 5. His real name is actually “Mittens”

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you’ll have to pee. 2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers. 5. Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. 6. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). 7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 8. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with. 9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will. 10. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. 12. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug. 15. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about. 16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly. 17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet. 18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 19. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better.. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

You’ve heard about the moron pilot who once made a tricky landing, haven’t you?It was the shortest runway he’d ever seen. And the widest, too.

Feline Physics Law of Cat Inertia – A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, ora nearby scurrying mouse. Law of Cat Motion – A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. Law of Cat Magnetism – All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. Law of Cat Thermodynamics – Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. Law of Cat Stretching – A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. Law of Cat Sleeping – All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat. Law of Refrigerator Observation – If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. Law of Electric Blanket Attraction – Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light. Law of Random Comfort Seeking – A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room. Law of Bag/Box Occupancy – All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. Law of Cat Embarrassment – A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. Law of Cat Disinterest – A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. Law of Pill Rejection – Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. Law of Cat Composition – A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter. Law of Cat Elongation – A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. Law of Cat Obstruction – A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic. Law of Cat Acceleration – A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop. Law of Dinner Table Attendance – Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. Law of Rug Configuration – No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. Law of Obedience Resistance – A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something. First Law of Energy Conservation – Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. Second Law of Energy Conservation – Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. Law of Milk Consumption – A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can. Law of Furniture Replacement – A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. Law of Cat Landing – A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human. Law of Fluid Displacement – A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth, he decides on exactly what he will buy.He buys a 20 acre plot of land in Mexico and hires an architect. I want mi casa to be built right there, with big columns in front, and a marble foyer, and at the end of the hall I want a halo statue. The architect, excited aboutmaking mega bucks off this man, jots down exactly what the Mexican wants,I’ll do it sir, I’ll make this a fine house for you! All the plans are made and the architect starts construction. He searches six different countries to find exquisite columns for the front of the house and has marble shipped in from France to line the foyer. The only problem he has is that he cannot locate a halo statue. Knowing that religious symbols are important to many Mexicans, he continues to search high and low for month after month. The house is finally complete, but alas, the architect was never able to locate a halo statue. Swallowing his pride for not being able to complete the order, he takes the Mexican to see his new home. Si Senor! exclaims the Mexican. You got da columns in front of mi casa! The architect smiles. They enter the house and the Mexican notices the marble floor. Wonderful! I love mi new marble floor Senor! states the Mexican as he wanders down the hall. He reaches the end of the hall and looks puzzled. Senor Where is my halo statue? asks the Mexican Well, sir, I’m afraid to have to tell you this, but I searched high and low and just could not for the life of me figure out what a halo statue is, much less find one for you anywhere, says the architect, hanging his head in shame. What You don’t know what a halo statue is? No, sir, I’m sorry, I do not know, replies the architect. You know, says the Mexican, it’s that thing that goes ‘ringy dingy’ and you pick it up and say, ‘halo statue’

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter’s window. The sign said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.” The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.

A duck hunter is out one day having no luck. He hunts the whole morning and couldn’t get a single kill. On the way home he comes up to a farm house and flying over the barnyard is a big flock of fat mallards. Seeing his last chance for success, he takes aim at what looked like the biggest duck in the flock one and gave it both barrels. The duck fell from the sky and lands in the middle of the barnyard. As the hunter nears the barnyard and the dead duck, he sees he’s got himself a beauty. But when he is a mere 20 paces from the duck, a farmer steps out of the barn, picks up the duck and heads for the house. “Hey!” said the hunter, “Come back with my duck!” “Your duck?” says the farmer, “It was lying dead in my barnyard; it’s MY duck.” “No! No! You don’t understand!, shouts the hunter,”I shot it and it just happened to fall here. It’s mine!” “Okay, city fella. We’ll settle this the country way, “says the farmer. “Country way? What’s that?” says the hunter. “We take turns hitting each other as hard as we can,” says the farmer. “Last man standing wins the duck…. That is, unless you’re Yella.” “Of course I’m not yellow,” says the hunter. “Fine. Country way it is,” says the farmer. “Since we’re on my property, I’ll go first.” With that, the farmer takes a half step back, steadies himself, and kicks the hunter square in the groin as hard as he can. The hunter gasps, screams like an animal, falls on the ground, curls up in a knot, turns 3 shades of purple, and nearly dies. After a full half hour and with considerable difficulty, the hunter straightens up, gasps again, and in a high strained voice says, “Now… my… turn! The farmer reply: “Nah, I give up. Here’s your duck.”

John was tasked with bringing the Christmas decorations up from the basement and start decorating the house and tree. During one trek up the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, he slipped and luckily only fell about two steps before landing square on his behind. Jill heard the noise and yelled, “What was that thump?” “I just fell down the stairs,” he explained. “Anything broken?” asked Jill. John replied, “No, I’m fine.” There was just a slight pause before he heard Jill say, “No, I meant my decorations? Are any of them broken?”

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?” So the first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell — but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.” “That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. “It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.” Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. “Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator…”

Why is the letter E like London? Because it is the capital of England.

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. “Good luck will be followin’ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,” the guide said. “Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.” “We can’t be here tomorrow,” the nasty woman shouted. “We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone.” “Well now,” the guide said, “it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune.” “And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone,” the woman scoffed. “No, ma’am,” the frustrated guide said, “but I’ve sat on it.”

Places I’d Rather Not Live – Paradox, New York – Crapo, Maryland – Boogertown, North Carolina – Spasticville, Kansas – Hellhole, Idaho – Purgatory, Maine – Girdletree, Maryland – Rabbithash, Kentucky

A Blonde and an Irishman One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.” And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. “Faith and begorra,”said the man, “that is so good I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!” “And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Irish whiskey” asked the blonde Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.” Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. “Tis nectar of the heavens!” stated the Irishman. “Tis truly fantastic!!!” At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?” With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed; “Sweet Jesus! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there too!?”

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!” Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?” No, sweetheart,” she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?” “Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says. “One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks. “Oh, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that one, either.” Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?” Abe answers, “They’ll find us!”

Here’s a Plan About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess ship. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back. As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, “I understand you’ve been on this ship for the last four cruises.” She replied, “Yes, that’s true.” I stated, “I don’t understand” and she replied, without a pause, “It’s cheaper than a nursing home.” So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for: 1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day. 2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week). 3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night. 4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo. 5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. 6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days. 7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience. 8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don’t even have to ask for them. 9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don’t look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship. P.S. And don’t forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

Things You Would NEVER Hear A Redneck Say “I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex” Duct tape won’t fix that. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken. We don’t keep firearms in this house. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? You can’t feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe. Wrasslin’s fake. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? We’re vegetarians. Do you think my hair is too big? I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering? Who’s Richard Petty? Give me the small bag of pork rinds. Deer heads detract from the decor. Spitting is such a nasty habit. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today. Trim the fat off that steak. Cappuccino tastes better that espresso. The tires on that truck are too big. I’ll have the arugula and ridicchio salad. I’ve got it all on a floppy disk. Unsweetened tea tastes better. Would you like you fish poached or broiled? My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. Checkmate. She’s too old to be wearing a bikini. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen. I don’t have a favorite college team. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Moonbeam. Elvis who?

It’s that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it’s important to keep mentally alert. If you don’t use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you’re losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. 1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer: “bread.” If you said “toast,” give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2. 2. Say “silk” five times. Now spell “silk” What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said “milk,” don’t attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said “water”, proceed to question 3. 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said “green bricks,” why the heck are you still reading these??? If you said “glass,” go on to Question 4. 4. It’s twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of “no man’s land” between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man’s land”? Answer: You don’t bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you’re a dunce and you must stop. If you said, “You don’t bury survivors”, proceed to the next question. 5. Without using a calculator – You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don’t you remember your own name? It was YOU!! Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you. PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”

A blonde, brunette, and red head were on top of a magic mountain. The myth of the mountain was that if you jumped off of it and yelled out what you wanted to be, you would instantly turn into it. The brunette jumped off and said she wanted to be an Eagle, so she turned into an Eagle and flew away. Next, the redhead jumped off and said she wanted to be a cat. So, she landed on all fours and walked away. Then the blonde got a running start, tripped over a rock, and yelled… “CRAP!”

Things You WON’T Hear Down South I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. Duct tape won’t fix that. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. We don’t keep firearms in this house. Who cares who won the Civil War? You can’t feed that to the dog. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. Spittin’ is such a nasty habit. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today. Trim the fat off that steak. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe. Honey, we don’t need another dog. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? Wrestling is fake. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. The tires on that truck are too big. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts, and would you please bring my salad dressing on the side? Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen. I don’t have a favorite college team. You All. Nope, no more for me. I’m driving tonight.

Breaking news: A helicopter has crash landed into a cemetery in Ireland The pilots didn’t survive, and so far local police have recovered 956 bodies.

Why does Scottish Mickey Mouse no longer use his helicopter? It Disney land.

Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter no use in Scotland? Disneyland

Pray for my Mother-In-LawShe’s been taken to hospital as a bee landed on her face. Luckily she wasn’t stung…I was too quick with the spade!

I got in touch with my inner self today…That’s the last time I buy one ply toilet paper at Poundland!

A girl sneezed in the pub & her glass eye flew out & landed in my hand. I took it back to her & we got chatting. After a few beers I took her home & shagged her. When we’d finished I asked her, “Do you shag everyone on a first date?” She said, “No. Only those who catch my eye!”

A Scotsman, An Irishman and a Welshman walk into a bar…It’s a bar in England because we don’t have stupid restrictions yet!

Whilst out walking through the fields, I found an abandoned Land Rover…I thought, ‘That’s a nice Discovery!’

I married a military woman from Switzerland…I now have my own Swiss army wife!

In a freak accident yesterday, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him…To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him!

I was doing a crossword in the pub and said to my Scottish mate, “I’m stuck on one, trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M.”He said, “Marooned.”I said, “Thanks, I’ll have a pint of lager then!”

BREAKING NEWSPolice have found a piece of luggage on a desert island…They say it’s an isolated case!

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married. His friends are jealous & one of them ask how he landed such a hot 23 year old blonde beauty.“Simple”, grins the millionaire. “I faked my age.” His friends are really amazed & ask him what age he told her?“Well, I said I was 87!”

I was in a bar when two fat women came in talking in an interesting accent.I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, Dumbo!”I corrected myself, “My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?”Then the fight started!

I walked into a pub with my wife. The Landlord said, “Would you like a beer for your wife?”I said, “That sounds like a fair swap!”

Did you know on the Canary Islands there is not one canary?And on the Virgin Isles, the same thing – not one canary there either!

When I lived in the second city of Poland I got into the habit of being an early riser…Every day I was up at the Krakow dawn!

Landlord at my pub said, “Why are you looking so happy?” I replied, “The wife just had one of those procedures done at the hospital today that would bring a smile to most men’s faces.”He said, “Breast enlargement?”I said, “Nah, post-mortem!”

I think shredded cheese should be banned in England…Lets make Britain grate again!

I went to a spice themed fancy dress party in the West Midlands dressed as a chilli…Everyone else was dressed as astronauts!

Somebody recommended that I put a bet on a horse called Landfill…It was a rubbish tip!

The #LoveIsland drinking game:1. Turn this fucking bullshit off 2. Go down the pub

Whilst the missus was out tonight I started watching England. Then she suddenly turned up out of the blue…I quickly put some porn on the TV and pulled my trousers down to avoid any embarrassment!

The England football team visited an orphanage in Wolverhampton today. “It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said Ben, age six.

I just bought two Harry Potter brooms in Poundland…Quid each!

I had to laugh today. I saw someone walking around with ‘I’m a dickhead’ written on their back…Well it actually said ‘Stone Island’ but it’s the same thing!

As landlords warn they may need to charge £20 a pint to cover energy bills, drinkers in London question the logic of lowering prices!

Which Icelandic Singer was named after a city in England? Was it:A.Norwich. B.York. C. Leeds.

They say that David Jason set a new level for British comedy with that one famous scene…But it was the landlord that really raised the bar!

BREAKING NEWSCadbury’s have just delivered a giant chocolate bar to The Bank of England.It’s a massive Boost for the economy!

I think my Shetland pony may be coming down with a cold…His main symptom is that he’s a little hoarse!

A bloke walks into a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker. He says to the landlord, “Fuck me, that must be one clever dog.” “Not really”, said the landlord. “Every time he gets a good hand his fucking tail starts wagging!”

I keep hitting my head on the colanders hanging down from our kitchen shelf…I think I have repetitive strain injury!

Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Starbucks : 47 pictures!

Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter no use in Scotland?Disneyland!

That’s my first trip now booked for 2023. I’m hopefully going to Iceland in February…If that goes well, I’ll probably look at going to Sainsburys in March!

My uncle set a new world record by getting 22 pigeons to land on him…What a ledge!

Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands.

Ban land mines now! It’s time to put our foot down.

I opened a company selling landmines that look like prayer mats … Business is booming and Prophets are going through the roof.

When we were vacationing in New Zealand, I bought myself a back-scratcher made from a Kangaroo claw. … … The only downside is when I use it on myself, I end up feeling jumpy the rest of the day.

The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won’t need to adjust her driving.

What’s the difference between England and a tea bag ? The tea bag stays in the Cup longer

“Q. Why were India kicked out of the Soccer world Cup held in England in 1966 ? A. Every time they were given a corner, they built a shop.”

“A man in New Zealand was sentenced to four months in jail for posting a naked picture of his ex-girlfriend on Facebook. Jail is sort of like Facebook. You waste time; you write on your wall, you get poked by someone you hardly know…”

Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to shagging a lady-boy. Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady! It was when she drove me to her place and reversed her car into a parking space first-short l thought..ok hang on!

When everyone around you is an ahole you’ve gotta stop, take a long look at you & accept how awesome you are dead center in ahole land.

I don’t know why I even bother having an iPhone anymore. It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline.

I’m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.

In England, a movie theater had to cancel a showing of “Noah” due to a flood in the movie theatre. Either that or the 3-D in that theater is really good.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands. I love that joke, it never grows old.

My landlord just called and said my neighbors just complained about all the loud freaky sex they are hearing from my house… So now I’m on my way to buy some headphones for my laptop…

Pope Francis will bring a rabbi and a Muslim leader with him when he travels to the Holy Land this week. Or as bartenders put it, “We’ve been expecting you.”

Disappointed to learn that landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.

The England team visited an orphanage in Brazil today. “It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope” said Jose, age 6.

My wife was reading the paper and said, “Tut tut, that’s terrible. Another woman in India has been gang-raped and hung.”I replied, “Actually it’s hanged’. In India, women are hanged. In Thailand, women are hung.”

England are to have a new captain next week. His name is Roger Smith and he’s the pilot for the flight home.