Land Jokes

News: Coleen Rooney has flown out to Brazil with her two sons to be with Wayne until England’s World Cup campaign is over. That’s nice bit far to go for a weekend though if you ask me.

The England squad have been receiving death threats and this morning they awoke to find a horses head. Fortuneatly, it was only Wayne Rooney asleep.

What’s got two wings, a tail and twenty five pricks? England’s return flight.

Messi carrying Argentina. Neymar carrying Brazil. British Airways carrying England

Just saw a pensioner do a tribute to the England team. Yep she got off the bus look abit confused and then got back on went home.

I tried to propose to my girlfriend from Thailand today but it went wrong. As soon as i got down on one knee she started undoing her skirt

England was knocked out of the World Cup. It’s the most English people wiped out at one time since the last episode of “Game of Thrones.”

It’s a do or dive for Robben as Netherlands play Argentina in the semifinals.

Kiefer Sutherland is filming next season of ’24’ in Magaluf. The main villain will be an 18 year old blowing 24 victims up.

I had no idea time zones were so far apart…Just landed in China and it’s fucking New Year apparently.

England can’t win anything. Brazil took away their top spot of Most Embarrassing team.

Happy birthday to England’s Prince George, who turns 1 today. The prince’s first birthday party was a little different. His bouncy castle was an actual castle. And the pony rides were on Camilla.

Actor Orlando Bloom threw a punch at Justin Bieber last night during an argument at a night club in Spain. Orlando’s hand was pretty sore today, you know, from all the high-fives he got.

I was at the pub the other day when the landlord walked up to me, handed me a phone and said, “It’s for you, sir” “Thanks mate,” I said, took it and walked away. What a generous lad.

When I’m on my death bed, I want my last words to be….”I left the diamonds on an Island, look for clues on my Face Book!…..”, just to get them to read all the jokes I’ve posted.

I once visited The Virgin Islands. When I left, they were just called The Islands.

Reality T.V. Show Idea: Put The Kardashians, Honey Boo Boo, and the Jersey Shore cast on a island. Have them fight it out until the last one stands and call it “Who Gives A Fuk”

May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.

Come one Southwest Airlines…either train your pilots how to navigate a plane well enough to land at the right airport or allow the pilot’s wife to ride along so she can make sure he doesn’t land a jumbo jet at a small county airport.

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport

NASA’s robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer and porn, making it very clear that men are not from Mars..

NASA announces rover “Curiosity” landed safely on Mars. In a related story, Martians are reportedly furious over the death of their cat…vow revenge.

How does a person from New Zealand find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying.

Olympic Gymnast: Jumps 20 feet in the air, defies all laws of physics, does 10 backflips, defeats voldemort, comes back down and lands perfectly on the balance beam while fireworks go off in the background. ME: I fall on face as I try putting my socks on.

Saw that Poland just won the country’s first gold metal…. they were so happy, they had it bronzed!

How you can tell if a person is Irish: a fly lands in their pint of beer. They grab the fly and start shaking it over their beer yelling “Spit it out ya bastard, spit it out!”

I will climb the highest mountain. Swim the deepest sea. I will cross the desert land. I would do anything to get the fcuk away from you.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

I serve my eggs Benedict on a golden platter. There’s no plates like gold for the Hollandaise.

Why does Peter pan always fly? Because he neverlands!

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

I once fell off the roof at IKEA and landed on its sign…I was stuck in A & E for ages!

The Chancellor has announced that Cadbury’s will be delivering a giant chocolate bar to The Bank of England…It’s a massive Boost for the economy!

Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter no use in Scotland?Disneyland!

I employed a retired airline pilot to do some decorating for me at home…He made a great job of the landing!

Just reading that there’s a small island off the coast of Italy which is inhabited by 5 million Sicillion people…That’s the biggest number I’ve ever heard!

A parcel addressed to the England Cricket Team had to be left with a neighbour this morning…Everyone was out!

I saw a Scottish man carrying an enormous colander…He said, “It’s massive!”

It was eleven years ago today my best mate James came running out of the room shouting It’s a boy! with tears streaming down his face.We never went back to Thailand.

Beckham gets in a taxi and notices the driver looking in his mirror at him. After 2 mins the driver says Go on then give me a clue?Beckham replies I played for Man Utd and England and married a spice girl, is that enough?Driver says No I meant where are you going?

So I brought a world map and asked my wife to shoot a dart on it and wherever it lands, I will take her there for two weeks when pandemic ends.It’s her day 5 behind the fridge.

If you’re unable to hold your bladder in the Netherlands……European.

Never shout into a colander.It’ll strain your voice.

I was shocked the other day when I thought I heard my girlfriend say she wanted to go to see The Monkees tribute band in Switzerland.Then I saw her face – now I’m in Geneva.

I walked into a pub with my wife. The Landlord said Would you like a beer for your wife?I said: That sounds like a fair swap.

We’re off to a fancy dress party!Wife: “What are you going as?”Me: “I’m going as a small island off the coast of Italy.”Wife: “Please don’t be Sicily.”

I called up my landlord and said, Hey, I gotta leak in my sink.He said, Go ahead. I’m not judging.

Long ago, my grandfather used to make huge holes on his land, so that it could hold water.Once a pond a time.

My friend asked me, “what’s the best part about living in Switzerland?”I said “I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.”

I walked into a pub with my wife. The Landlord said Would you like a beer for your wife?I said: That sounds like a fair swap.