Land Jokes

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers and says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers and I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder and asks if his bet still good. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? The Irishman replies, Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O’Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, “O’Brian, come ‘ere. I ‘ave a request for ye.” Shawn walked to his friend’s bedside and kneels. “Shawny ole boy, we’ve been friends all our lives, and now I’m leaving ‘ere. I ‘ave one last request fir ye to do.” O’Brian burst into tears, “Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It’s done.” “Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I’ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity.” O’Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend’s request, he asked, “Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?”

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and, together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives. Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as “the Conservative movement.” Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlymen. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided. Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added)(& foo foo coffee), but most prefer white wine or imported, bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t “fair” to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to “govern” the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing. Here ends today’s lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the above instead of simply laughing and deleting or forwarding it.

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water’s edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, “The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.”

Three elephants fell off a cliff. Two fell on land. One fell in the water. Boom-boom-chhh!

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and President Clinton all get caught up in a tornado and finally land in the Emerald City of Oz. They are finally allowed to visit the great and powerful wizard and Dan Quayle says “I’ve had a tough time getting by in Washington and I think I’d like to have a brain”. Newt Gingrich speaks next and says “I’ve heard all they say about me and my conservative politics and I’d like to have a heart.” President Clinton speaks last and says “I’ll just take Dorothy.”

Once upon a time, in a far-off land, there was an ice cream truck driver named Bob. Everyone in the neighborhood knew when Bob’s truck was driving by because of the giant inflatable clown head that he’d strapped to the roof. The clown head had speakers in it, and as Bob drove by he would talk into a little microphone, saying things like, “Hey, kids, buy ice cream!” And lo and behold, it sounded just like the giant inflatable clown head itself was talking. Bob liked his job because he got to make kids happy and eat a lot of ice cream himself. And so it went, for many years. Until one day, the government of the far-off land decided to outlaw ice cream. Yes, all of a sudden, the treats that Bob once sold had become controlled substances. Bob, fearing for his job, quickly converted his ice cream truck into a tuna-fish truck, but he kept the clown head and the speakers for old times’ sake. But instead of turning in his stocks of ice cream to the government, he kept them in the basement of his house, and every day he would take out a popsicle or a sundae cone and eat it in the privacy of his home. It got so Bob would eat more and more ice cream every day, which made him a bit of a jumpier person than he had been before, but nobody seemed to mind. And so it happened that one day, Bob was rather erratically driving his tuna-fish truck around the neighborhood, having just eaten two pudding pops and an orange creamsicle. He picked up his microphone, as he had done so many times before, but when he switched the microphone on, the sugar buzz kicked in, and all he could say was: “T’nnufidgeiss ver’gyood! Buy’tnaow!” And that’s when Bob realized that he had a problem. A problem…with truck head diction.

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia ? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya dont mind me askin, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? The Irishman replies, Oh I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the very next port of call after the Titantics stop in New York. This shipment of mayonnaise would have been the largest ever delivered to Mexico but as we all know the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank. The cargo was lost forever. The people of Mexico who were crazy about mayonnaise and eagerly awaiting its delivery were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a Nation Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning ocurs each year on May 5th and is know of course as — Sinko de Mayo.

Hellmann’s Mayonnaise – a bit of history. Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as – Sinko De Mayo.

Captain Kidd prepared with his crew to search for buried treasure. Before setting out he consulted with his dentist, who advised him that all the best treasure out there was in the gold fillings of the teeth of various bodies, such as he might find in a cemetery or at the site of some battlefield. He kept this advice secret from his crew, and so when they landed on a desert island, they scattered, each using his own preferred means of treasure hunting, while Captain Kidd looked for cemeteries. He found several, dug up the bodies, and extracted many gold fillings from many teeth. He also came upon an old battlefield, and by exhuming the bodies there he was able to find still more gold fillings. He returned to the ship and met his crew, who had come back empty-handed, while Captain Kidd had two pouches brimming with the fruits of his labor. The crew asked him the secret of his success, to which he replied, “Before setting out, I consulted with my dentist, who said to me, ‘Booty is tooth, and tooth booty. That is all you know on earth, and all you need to know.’”

Q: Why is the letter E like London? A: Because it is the capital of England.

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There’s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he’s doing alright – but after a few months he gets lonely… The pig starts to look more and more attractive – soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him “Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything, just name it.” The guy thinks for a minute and says, “Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?”

These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘ Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.. Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married? A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.. Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’? A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A.. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch. The Army General called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing “The Caissons Go Rolling Along,” then let go with both hands, and salute. The private quickly complied. Next, the Admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing “Anchors Aweigh,” salute smartly and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below. Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the army and navy men had done, but in full battle gear, pack filled with bricks, loaded weapon carried high. He took one look at the Marine General and said, “You’re out of your mind, sir!” The marine commander turned to the others. “Now THAT’S guts!”

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people can be. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, “How was the trip?” “It was great, Dad.” “Did you see how poor people can be?” the father asked. “Oh Yeah” said the son. “So what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father. The son answered, “I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.” With this the boy’s father was speechless. Then his son added, “Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are.”

The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC: Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow – a bulimic dog Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso + Peekasso – an abstract dog Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer – a dog fresh and clean as a whistle Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever – the choice of research scientists Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound – a dog for financial advisors Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador – a dog that barks incessantly Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point – owned by….oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway Collie + Malamute = Commute – a dog that travels to work Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere – a dog that’s true to the end Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries. Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed. Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes. Bloodhound + Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that’s not much fun. Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet. Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot’s preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft’s latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. As he’s left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, “Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I’m going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished.” Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, “Sir, with all due respect, I’m not your son; I’m an Airman in the United States Air Force. I’ve been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it’s two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?”

As I rowed my little boat Toward the river shore, A small black bird kept me from landing, Quoth the raven, “never moor.”

Two guys from Chicago, Illinois die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, ‘What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?’ The two guys reply, ‘Well, you know, we’re from Illinois, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know.’ The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Chicago and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. ‘Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves.’ The two Chicagoans reply, ‘Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Chicago, we’ve just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice.’ The devil is absolutely furious, he decides to turn all the heat in hell off. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail or moan. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Chicagoans. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. ‘I don’t understand. When I turn the heat up, you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold, and you’re happy. What is wrong with you two?’ The Chicagoans look at the devil in surprise. ‘Well, don’t ya know–if hell freezes over, that must mean one thing…the CUBS won the WORLD SERIES.

confluence 42 points 21 hours ago A Polish farmer is ploughing his field when he hits an obstruction in the soil – a dirty old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it to clean it off, and a genie appears in a puff of smoke. “Thank goodness you found my lamp I was getting bored,” says the Genie. “I will grant you any three wishes you desire.” The farmer thinks and thinks and finally says: “I want the Mongols to invade Poland… and then go home.” The genie looks confused, but he shrugs, and snaps his fingers, and the Mongols invade. They rampage through the country, looting and pillaging… and then they go home. “OK,” says the genie, “that was your first wish. What else do you want?” “I want the Mongols to invade Poland again… and then go home.” The genie sighs. “Fine, it’s your wish, I guess.” He snaps his fingers again, and the Mongols return. They set the farmhouse on fire, and steal the chickens, and then they go home. “And what is your final wish?” asks the genie. “I want the Mongols to invade Poland again, and then go home,” says the farmer without hesitation. So the Mongols invade once again, and steal everything that isn’t nailed down. They steal the farmer’s old wife, and his plough, and rough him up a bit, and then they leave. As they are both standing in the smoking, ransacked ruins of the farmhouse, the genie says: “OK, I have to know. What the hell was that about? You could have wished for anything in the whole world, and you had the Mongols invade your own country three times, and totally destroy it. Why?!” The farmer looks very pleased with himself. “Well, you see, in order to invade us three times and go home, they had to go through Russia six times!”

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, “Hey where am I?” To this, the solitary office worker replies, “You’re in a plane.” The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. “Simple,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East.”

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart Senate Office Building Phone (202) 224 3254 Washington DC, 20510 Dear Senator Harkin, As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you. My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill’s provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005. Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as ‘in-state’ tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son. Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver’s license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car. If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance. Your Loyal Constituent, Donald Ruppert Burlington, IA

A terrible plane crash occurred in Lithuania last week. A two-seater airplanecrash landed in a cemetery and exploded. They’ve recovered 300 bodies so far,and they’re still digging them up.

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO): 1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area. 2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake. 3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes. 4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can’t find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure. 5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it. 6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars. 7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return. 8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don’t understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops. 9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes. 10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection. 11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations. 12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost. 13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere. 14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake’s life. 15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.) 16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date. 17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft. 18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs. 19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don’t show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO’s without power lines or SAM’s. 20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire. 21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target. 22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can’t receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons. 23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW. 24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the country. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman’s back. What is the man’s name? After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first from Vancouver, says “My answer is, there IS no answer.” The second, from Toronto, says “My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.” The third one from Newfoundland says “I’m not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It’s either: “Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.” The Newfoundlander got the job.

It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, “Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?”

A rich business man wakes up one morning to hear the voice of God in his head. “I WANT YOU TO SELL EVERYTHING YOU HAVE” boomed the celestial voice. The business man feels that God must have some purpose for him in life so he gets on the phone and sells all his property, his cars, his business. No sooner has he cashed the check for all he had sold than God speaks to him again. “I WANT YOU TO GO TO LAS VEGAS AND PLACE ALL YOUR MONEY ON ONE HAND OF BLACKJACK”. The business man hops on a plane and lands in Las Vegas, walks into a casino, goes up to a black jack table and places his many millions on one hand. He is shaking as the dealer deals his hand, but it’s an 18 and he begins to feel a bit better. But God says “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” The man’s hand is shaking as he motions to the dealer to hit him. She turns over the card and it’s an ace! He is only up to 19 and still safe! But again God says “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” The business man can’t believe it but he figures God must have some sort of plan for him. Sweat is dripping onto the table as he leans over and asks the dealer to hit him again. He can barely watch as the dealer turns over the card and again it’s an ace! He can’t believe it, two aces in a row! But God says “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” The man begins to protest, the chances of him going bust and losing everything were too high, but God says, sharplike, “JUST TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” The man can’t see what God is planning for him but he goes ahead with it, fully convinced he’s about to loose everything. His hands are shaking and he can feel an odd tightness in his chest as the dealer gets ready to turn over the card. It seems to take eternity for her to turn it over but when she does he can see it’s a third ace! And God says “UN-FUKIN-BELIEVABLE!!”

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, “Stop making love down there!” “What’s the matter with you?” the husband said when the sailor climbed down. ‘”We weren’t making love.” “Sorry,” said the sailor, “From up there it looked like you were.” Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, “By golly he’s right! It DOES look like they’re making love down there!”

Where does a pirate go on vacation? Arrrrrland.

some macians can walk on water but chuck norris can swim through land

A Sunday School teacher read a passage from the Old Testament book of Jonah to her class: “And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying ‘I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.’ … and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land.” (Jonah 1:17 — 2:2, 10) When she had finished reading, the teacher said, “Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?” Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: “You can’t keep a good man down!”

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

A medieval kingdom was situated on an island in the sea. A bridge connected the island to the mainland. The problem was, anyone who tried to cross the bridge would be attacked by giant mystical yellow fingers and dragged to the bottom of the sea. The king had sent his bravest knights to overcome the fingers and cross to the other side, but they all failed. One day, a young page wanted to make an attempt of his own. Neither the king nor his remaining knights believed he could do it, but before they could argue, the page was already half way across the bridge — and, quite surprisingly, the yellow fingers did not rise out of the water to grab him. The moral of the story is: let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.

If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise. – Unknown Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant. – Unknown Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies. – Gene Hill In dog years, I’m dead. – Unknown To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. – Aldous Huxley A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. – Robert Benchley Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives. – Sue Murphy I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves. – August Strindberg No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. – Fran Lebowitz Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth! – Anne Tyler I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. – Rita Rudner My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money. – Joe Weinstein If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. – James Thurber You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. – Nora Ephron Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. – Ann Landers Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. – Robert A. Heinlein In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. – Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories! – Dr. Tom Cat There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. – Ben Williams When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. – Edward Abbey Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. – Unknown Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail. – Unknown No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. – Christopher Morley A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. – Josh Billings Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be. – Holbrook Jackson The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. – Andrew A. Rooney He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion. – Unknown If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. – Mark Twain Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. – Smiley Blanton I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts. – John Steinbeck

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.” “Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife. “I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,” he answered. I’m going to have a beer.” The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands ! from 12 different countries: Germany,Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar… You know… they have frozen glasses… ” He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?” “You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. “But my sweet honey… at the bar…. you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…” “You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SH*T! SIT YOU’RE A$$ DOWN, SHUT THE HE@# UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D’OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED A$$ ISN’T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SH*T IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKA$$?” and…they lived happily ever after. Isn’t that a sweet story? —

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?” “Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.” Obama frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?” The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.” The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?” Tony Blair walked into the room and said, “Yes, my Queen?” The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?” Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, “That would be me.” “Yes! Very good,” said the Queen. Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. “Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?” “I’m not sure,” said Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one..” He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men’s room and recognized Colin Powell’s shoes in the next stall. Biden asked Powell, “Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?” Colin Powell yelled back, “That’s easy, it’s me!” Biden smiled, and said, “Thanks!” Then, he went back to speak with Obama. “Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It is Colin Powell!” Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, “No! You idiot! It’s Tony Blair!” And that is what’s wrong with our government.

A blonde was listening to Two men at a party talking about the recent space program. not wanting to be left out the blonde pipes up and says ” I’d like to be the first woman to land on the sun” The one fellow asks “don’t you mean the moon?” The blonde replys “theres already been a man on the moon, I’d like to be the first woman to land on the sun.” The other fellow asks in a puzzled tone “don’t you think you’d burn up before you got there?” The blonde replys “DUUUUUUAAH, I’d go at night!!!!!!!!!”

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how wassah de treepa?” Luigi said, “Everytinga wassah perfecto except for da traina ride down.” “Whadda you mean, Luigi?” asked Giovanni.” Well, we boarda da train at Granna Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she packa bigga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga wassah okey dokey until we getta hungry and open uppa da luncha basket. The conductore comma by, wagga hissa finger at us an say, “no eat in dissa car. Musta use a dining car.” “So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a bigga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hissa finger and say, “No drinka in dissa car. Musta use a club a car.” So, we go to club car. “While drinkin vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he wagga hissa finger again and say, “No smokin in dissa car. Musta go to smokin car. We go to smokin car and I smoka my biga cigar.” “Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of hissa voice, “Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!” “Next time, Ima gonna takea da bus!”

What do you call an eye doctor living on an island in Alaska? An optical Aleutian.

Q: What two states are opposites? A: Maryland and Misury

There was a chicken farmer who lived in a village in China. One year,his chickens were afflicted with a strange blight that caused them to lose their feathers. The farmer was deeply concerned about this, because winter was coming, and, if the chickens had no feathers, they would freeze to death. So, the farmer decided to consult the two wisest men in the land. First,he visited Mr. Hing, the renowned scholar. Mr. Hing leafed through all his agricultural and medicinal texts and pored over books and scrolls well into the night. Finally, he returned to the farmer and told him that, if he crushed the leaves of a gum tree into powder, made it into tea, and fed it to his chickens, they would be cured.The farmer then went to Mr. Ming, the great seer. Mr. Ming cast stones, read tea leaves, and poked through entrails until finally he came up with the answer: “As surely as gum causes a shoe to stick to the ground,tea made from gum leaves will cause feathers to stick to chickens. “Now the farmer was ecstatic. The two wisest men in the land had given him exactly the same prescription. So, as soon as he returned home, he took some gum leaves and made tea from them. He mixed this with the chicken feed and fed it to his chickens. But it didn’t work.The chickens continued to lose their feathers, and, with the onset of winter, they all froze.The moral of this story: “All of Hing’s courses and all of Ming’s ken couldn’t get gum tea to feather a hen.”

A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water. “That customer’s going to come back here pretty mad,” he said to his boss. “Should I give him his money back?” “Money back? Are you crazy???” roared the boss. “What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat.”

The young lady strolled through the National Zoo and finally paused in front of the monkey island. Mystified as to the whereabouts of the animals, she queried the keeper, “Where are all of the monkeys?” “They’re all back in the cave, Miss.” he responded, “It’s right in the midst of the mating season.” “I see.” she replied, “Do you think they’d come out if I offered them some of these peanuts?” Smiling the keeper responding, “Well, I can’t rightly say as I know, Miss. Would *YOU*?”

Come And Visit Often Pardon Me For Not Getting Up – I Feel Like Lying Down Gone Fishing – Permanently Don’t Come In Yet – Wait Til Later Now Is Not The Time To Ask Me Again There Is Always Lots Of Room Here If You Can’t Say Anything Nice About Me Then Leave Forever A Mess I Must Confess In The Beginning I Was Small, Now I Am Nothing At All If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, You’ll Join Them Here The Only Regrets I Have Are Those Things I Didn’t Do Time Waits For No One But I Wouldn’t Have Minded A Bit Of A Delay I Never Claimed To Know Anything, So Why Am I Here? I wasn’t Always Like This I Never Asked For The Lights To Dim Wishing You Were Here Sad As It Is, I’ll Never Yell At You Again Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange. I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours. As the flowers are all made sweeter by the sunshine and the dew, So this old world is made brighter by the lives Of folks like you. — Bonnie Parker (Bonnie and Clyde) John Brown is filling his last cavity. — Dentist’s Tombstone I told you that I was sick! — Georgia Cemetary, USA Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake; Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. — Pennsylvania Tombstone, USA Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I, As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me. — Tombstone in England To follow you I’ll not consent, Until I know which way you went. — Written on the tombstone in reply to one above The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. — England Tombstone Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there’s only the pod; Pease shelled out and went to God. — Massachusetts Tombstone Gone away, Owin’ more than he could pay. — England Alien tears will fill for him; Pity’s long-broken ern. For his mourners will be outcast men, And outcasts always mourn. — Oscar Wilde’s Tombstone It was a Cough That carried him Off,It was a Coffin They Carried him Off In “The defense rests” Here lies Johnny Yeast, Pardon me For not rising. Auctioneer:Going! Going!! Gone!!! Effie Jean Robinson: Come blooming youths, as you pass by , And on these lines do cast an eye. As you are now, so once was I; As I am now, so must you be; Prepare for death and follow me. Upon which someone scribbled: To follow you I am not content, How do I know Which way you went. Bill Blake Was hanged by mistake. Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw. I would rather be here than in Texas. Here lies the body Of Margaret Bent She kicked up her heels, And away she went. Here he lies, James T. Carson, He blew up his wife, and was hung for arson. Here lies the body of John Round: Lost at sea, and never found.

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?” Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?” “Yes” whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.” Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?” “Yes” came the answer. “May I talk with her?” Again, the small voice whispered, “No” Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child. “Yes” whispered the child, “a policeman.” Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?” “No he’s busy” said the little voice. “Busy doing what?” asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman.” came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard the sound of a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?” “A hello-copper” answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?!” asked the boss, now getting alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.” Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?!” Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “Me!”

If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise. – Unknown Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant. – Unknown Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies. – Gene Hill In dog years, I’m dead. – Unknown To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. – Aldous Huxley A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. – Robert Benchley Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives. – Sue Murphy I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves. – August Strindberg No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. – Fran Lebowitz Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth! – Anne Tyler I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. – Rita Rudner My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money. – Joe Weinstein If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. – James Thurber You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. – Nora Ephron Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. – Ann Landers Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. – Robert A. Heinlein In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. – Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories! – Dr. Tom Cat There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. – Ben Williams When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. – Edward Abbey Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. – Unknown Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail. – Unknown No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. – Christopher Morley A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. – Josh Billings Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be. – Holbrook Jackson The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. – Andrew A. Rooney He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion. – Unknown If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. – Mark Twain Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. – Smiley Blanton I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts. – John Steinbeck

A dentist found something wrong with one of his patients. The upper plate thathad been put in earlier was corroding. “What have you been eating?” thedentists asked the man.”All I can think of is that about three months ago mywife made some asparagus and put Hollandaise sauce on it. I loved it so much,I put it on everything now.””That’s the problem,” the dentist said, frowning. “Hollandaise sauce containslemon juice, which is highly corrosive. I’ll make you a new plate, and thistime use chrome.””Why chrome?””It’s simple. Everyone knows there’s no plate like chrome for theHollandaise.”

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time) Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about. Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly. Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?” “Of course. What may I do for you?” “Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father.” Next!

A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: “George and the Dragon.” He knocked. The innkeeper’s wife stuck her head out a window. “Could ye spare some victuals?” he asked. The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition. “No!” she said rather sternly. “Could I have a pint of ale?” “No!” she said again. “Could I at least sleep in your stable?” “No!” By this time, she was fairly shouting. The vagabond said, “Might I please…?” “What now?” the woman interrupted impatiently. “D’ye suppose,” he asked, “I might have a word with George?”

Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch. The Army General called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing “The Caissons Go Rolling Along,” then let go with both hands, and salute. The private quickly complied. Next, the Admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing “Anchors Aweigh,” salute smartly and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below. Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the army and navy men had done, but in full battle gear, pack filled with bricks, loaded weapon carried high. He took one look at the Marine General and said, “You’re out of your mind, sir!” The marine commander turned to the others. “Now THAT’S guts!”

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot’s preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft’s latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. As he’s left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, “Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I’m going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished.” Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, “Sir, with all due respect, I’m not your son; I’m an Airman in the United States Air Force. I’ve been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it’s two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?”

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: “What are these guys in the big suits doing?” One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, “Why certainly!” and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon. Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message: “Watch out for these assh*les. They have come to steal your land.”

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300 ft. red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a 1937 silver bentley to the edge of London where they boarded an open 17th century coach that was hitched to 6 magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their sides and waiving to the thousands lining the streets, all was going well. What a glorious display of pagentry and dignity! Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip one of the most horrific, earth shattering, eye tearing blasts of flatulance and the coach filled with noxious fumes… Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner in which to handle this embarrassing situation. She turned to President bush and explained “Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I’m sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen can’t control.” To which George W. replied “Your majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought. You know if you hadn’t said something, I would have assumed it was one of the horses!”

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?” She replies, “I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.” “Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.” “Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.” “But, where did you get the tools?” “Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.” The guy is stunned. “Let’s row over to my place,” she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white While the woman ties up the rowboat wit h an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?” “No! No thank you,” he blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.” “It’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.” No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. “This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What next?” When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for many months. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for?” She stares into his eyes. He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean . . he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.” . . . “Don’t tell me you’ve built a Golf Course!”

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announced, ‘One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don’t worry, we have three engines left.’ Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced, ‘One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don’t worry, we have two engines left.’ An hour later the Captain announced, ‘One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don’t worry we have one engine left.’ One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said, ‘If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day.’

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. On one particular Sunday it turned out to be a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, the temperature was just right and there was very little wind. The preacher was in a quandary and wasn’t sure what to do….play golf or give the Sunday service. The urge to play golf overcame him and he called in his assistant to take care of the Sunday service for him. The preacher packed up his car and drove 3 hours to a course where no one would recognize him. An angel above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. The angel went to God and said, “look at the preacher. He should punished for what he is doing.” God nodded in agreement. All alone but enjoying it immensely, the preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive. The ball ripped through the still air straight as an arrow and 400 yards later it landed the green where it gently rolled into the cup. A tremendous hole in one! The preacher was amazed and excited. The angel was in shock. The angel turned to God and said, “Begging your pardon, but I thought that you were going to punish him?” God smiled and said, “I did….think about it….who can he tell about this?”

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second — 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the “flying” reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them— Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance — this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now.

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering Department: 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum. 2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A ’65 Ford Fairlane, a ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a ’64 Pontiac GTO. 3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product? 4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. — — How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented it’s charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2×8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man’s land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch? 8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler? 9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of th 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during that shift? 10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer? O.K. — all you smarties answer up!

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.” The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.” The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’” The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?” The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.” The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.” The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?” “Of course. What may I do for you?” “Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father.” Next!

Three elephants fell off a cliff. Two fell on land. One fell in the water.Boom-boom-chhh!

There are many stories related to the sinking of the “Titanic.” Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don’t know that back in 1912 Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as… Sinko de Mayo.

Many years ago, a fisherman and his wife had twin sons, but they didn’t know what to name them. The husband said, “Let’s just wait. If we wait long enough, the names will simply occur to us.” After several weeks, they noticed something peculiar about the children. When left alone, one boy would face the sea, and the other would face inland. “Let’s call the boys Toward and Away,” suggested the fisherman, and his wife agreed. Years passed, and one day the fisherman told his adult sons, “It’s time that you learned how to make a living from the sea.” The fisherman and his sons provisioned their ship and set sail for a three-month voyage. At the voyage’s end, the fisherman returned alone. “What happened?” his wife cried. “We were barely one day out to sea,” the fisherman explained solemnly, “when Toward hooked a great fish. Toward fought long and hard, but the fish was great and strong. For whole week they wrestled upon the waves, yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Toward was pulled over the side. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.” “Oh dear!” the wife cried. “What a huge fish that must have been! What a terrible fish! What a horrible fish!” “Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away.”

A man in Scotland calls his son in Edinburgh the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; thirty years of misery is enough.” “Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you can call your sister in Aberdeen and tell her ” Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.” She calls home immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.”

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two – at least three pound live lobsters – one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says, “Well me laddie, I got you this time – with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!” The Newfie says, “No my son, you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended.” The Fisheries Officer says, “Trained… like how?” “Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!” “Likely story”, the Fisheries Officer says! “Lets take them on down the wharf and see if it’s true.” So, the Newfie goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water. The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, “How about whistling?” The Newfie says, “What For?” The Fisheries Officer says, “To call in the lobsters.” The Newfie says, “What lobsters?”

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?” Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?” “Yes”, whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.” Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?” “Yes,” came the answer. “May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, “No.” Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child. “Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman.” Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?” “No, he’s busy,” whispered the child. “Busy doing what?” asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?” “A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.” Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there?” Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me!”

A terrible plane crash occurred in Lithuania last week. A two-seater airplane crash landed in a cemetery and exploded. They’ve recovered 300 bodies so far, and they’re still digging them up.

As I rowed my little boatToward the river shore,A small black bird kept me from landing,Quoth the raven, “never moor.”

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature.; Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”

My father was from Iceland and my mother was from Cuba. I’m an Ice Cube.

Good Pedigree The lil’ Columbia, Maryland Yuppette was shopping in an upscale pet center. “I want a dog of which I can be proud,” she told the salesman. “Does that one have a good pedigree?” “Miss,” declared the clerk, “if she could speak, she wouldn’t talk to either one of us.”

Chuck Norris can land a plane in Auto Pilot.

At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult,” Gonzalez said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘there are 3 sides to every triangle”. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes”.

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved. You have to have attained a certain age to remember “Tatoo”, the short person on the TV series, “Fantasy Island”, with Ricardo Montelban and Herve Villechaize. You remember………”The Plane, Boss, The Plane ” !!! OK. It seems before Herve’s passing, he established an entire neighborhood of fully furnished, high dollar, condominiums in Florida’s Dade County. These condo’s were explicitly designed for persons Herve’s size. Everything was miniaturized down to the last detail. The benefactor, (Herve), provided this community of some 150 condo’s expressly for “The Little People” to have a free haven for the gathering and support of each other in a completely ‘No-Rent’, ‘No Mortgage’ environment! This totally unselfish gesture was not highly publicized. But, it was recently uncovered that the advertisement for taking over ownership of one of the condo’s was first spotted on aisle 6 of the HABA section in the grocery store, and billed as………………… Stay-Free Mini Pads !

Part of rebuilding New Orleans causes residents to often be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here’s a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client; You’ve got to love this lawyer…… A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply. (Actual letter): “Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.” Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): “Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus ‘ expedition. Now the Pope, as I’m sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God’s original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?”

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters’ balls are called pearls.(James age 6) 3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island If you don’t have sea all round you, you are incontinent.( Wayne age 7) 4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend no more.(Kylie age 6) 5) A dolphin breathes through an assh*le on the top of its head.(Billy age 8) 6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.(Millie age 6) 7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.(William age 7) 8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?(Helen age 6) 9) I’m not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write.(Amy age 6) 10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.(Christopher age 7)

Titanic was about to sink. People on the ship were shouting, crying, running and praying to God – just then a passenger had the following conversation with the captain. Passenger: How far is land, from here? Captain: Two miles… Passenger: Only two miles, then why these fools are making noise. I have the experience of swimming even more. Captain: …..???? Passenger: Just tell me in which direction, land is two miles from here? Captain: Downward…

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. “It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him, “Tell me how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years,” replies the Irishman. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Faith and begorah! Is that good!” “And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?” she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, “Ten years.” She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, “Tis absolutely fantastic!” At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?” With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, “Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there too.”

Felix from the odd couple went on a ballon ride. He did not have enough hot air and crashed in a remote part of the desert. A few days went by with no relief in site. Then… A plane. Yes Felix saw a plane! The land was so rough that the plane could not land, but they threw him a radio so that they could communicate with him. “Please help me I am dying of thirst”, Felix said. The crew said they were going back to get a helicopter but first they would drop him a bag of water. “I have plenty of water” said Felix, “drop me a cup!”

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course. What may I do for you?” “Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”

Dave and his new wife had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night the landlady met Dave in the hallway and said, “I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have them?” “I’ll ask her,” Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out, “Honey, would you like to see ‘Oliver Twist’ tonight?” “No way!!,” his bride retorted, “If you show me one more trick with that thing, I’m going home to my Mother!”

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door and told when to jump” “My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go” “But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered. “But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack”.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called ‘Amazon Dot Com.’ And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?” And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?” And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).” Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known “eBay” he said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.” And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “YAHOO,” said Abraham. And that is how it all began. It wasn’t Al Gore after all.

Many years ago, a fisherman and his wife had twin sons, but they didn’tknow what to name them. The husband said, “Let’s just wait. If we waitlong enough, the names will simply occur to us.” After several weeks,they noticed something peculiar about the children. When left alone, oneboy would face the sea, and the other would face inland.”Let’s call the boys Toward and Away,” suggested the fisherman, and his wifeagreed.Years passed, and one day the fisherman told his adult sons, “It’s timethat you learned how to make a living from the sea.” The fisherman andhis sons provisioned their ship and set sail for a three-month voyage. Atthe voyage’s end, the fisherman returned alone.”What happened?” his wife cried.”We were barely one day out to sea,” the fisherman explained solemnly,”when Toward hooked a great fish. Toward fought long and hard, but the fishwas great and strong. For whole week they wrestled upon the waves, yeteventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Toward was pulledover the side. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of themagain.””Oh dear!” the wife cried. “What a huge fish that must havebeen! What a terrible fish! What a horrible fish!””Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away.”

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese. One morning, Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: “Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?” “And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Brigid’s . There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?” Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!” There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye, ’tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.”

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.” Wipe that smile off your face.

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot’s preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft’s latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. As he’s left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, “Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I’m going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished.” Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, “Sir, with all due respect, I’m not your son; I’m an Airman in the United States Air Force. I’ve been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it’s two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?”

Always wear brown shoes when Congress is in session. If the First Daughters are wearing short skirts, it really doesn’t matter what *you* wear. Never wear an outfit the same shade as the day’s Homeland Security alert level. Fuschia doesn’t work when your husband is draping himself in the flag. Avoid wearing colors your husband can’t pronounce.

If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise. – Unknown Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant. – Unknown Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies. – Gene Hill In dog years, I’m dead. – Unknown To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. – Aldous Huxley A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. – Robert Benchley Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives. – Sue Murphy I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves. – August Strindberg No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. – Fran Lebowitz Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth! – Anne Tyler I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. – Rita Rudner My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money. – Joe Weinstein If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. – James Thurber You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. – Nora Ephron Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. – Ann Landers Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. – Robert A. Heinlein In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. – Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories! – Dr. Tom Cat There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. – Ben Williams When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. – Edward Abbey Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. – Unknown Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail. – Unknown No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. – Christopher Morley A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. – Josh Billings Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be. – Holbrook Jackson The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. – Andrew A. Rooney He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion. – Unknown If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. – Mark Twain Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. – Smiley Blanton I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts. – John Steinbeck

A dentist found something wrong with one of his patients. The upper plate that had been put in earlier was corroding. “What have you been eating?” the dentists asked the man. “All I can think of is that about three months ago my wife made some asparagus and put Hollandaise sauce on it. I loved it so much, I put it on everything now.” “That’s the problem,” the dentist said, frowning. “Hollandaise sauce contains lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.” “Why chrome?” “It’s simple. Everyone knows there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.”

A young girl from Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat. “Begorrah, Colleen,” says her mother. “Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin’ an’ it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?” Colleen replies, “Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don’t they have wonderful prizes in London?” When the weekend’s over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she’s back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she’s wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring. Same exchange with Mom…same “Won it at bingo!” Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she’s back. This time she’s sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up. When Colleen gets to the washroom, there’s only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, “Mom! sure now, didn’t I ask you to run me a bath? There’s only a quarter inch of water in the tub!” “Indeed there is, me darlin,” replies her Mom. “But we don’t want ye gettin’ yer bingo card wet now, do we?” You can never fool your Mom.

These great questions and answers are from the days when theHollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married? A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’? A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him… Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Camping Tips Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants. A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills. When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on. Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone. A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup. A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck. In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.