Laugh Jokes

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!” The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?” The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete…how much steel!! No-think of another wish.” The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women….know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment….know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’….know how to make them truly happy….” The genie said, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”

A Cajun named Thibideaux went to his doctor to determine the source of his malady. The doctor, After a lengthy examination, sighed and looked. Thibideaux in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it’s very bad. You’d best put your affairs in order.” Thibideaux was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room to his son who had been waiting. Thibideaux said, “Well son, us Cajun’s celebrate when thangs is good, and we celebrate when dey don’t be so good.. In dis case, dey ain’t so good. I got cancer. Let’s head for the honky tonk and have a few dranks.” After 3 or 4 shots, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more wiskey. They were eventually approached by some of Thibideaux’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Thibideaux told them that coon-asses celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “Da doctor dun told me I’m dying’ from AIDS.” His son’s eyebrows raised and he opened his mouth, but Thibideaux raised his finger and the frown on his face stifled what his son had planned to say. The friends gave Thibideaux their condolences, and they had a couple more shots. After his friends left, his son leaned over and whispered his confusion. “Daddy, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!” Thibideaux said, “I don’t want any of ’em sleeping with yo mama after I’m gone.”

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and, together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives. Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as “the Conservative movement.” Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlymen. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided. Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added)(& foo foo coffee), but most prefer white wine or imported, bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t “fair” to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to “govern” the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing. Here ends today’s lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the above instead of simply laughing and deleting or forwarding it.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don’t hurt. 3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there. 4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?” Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I’m really happy with the TV as my boyfriend.” Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello, son, is your grandma home?” The little boy replied, “Yeah, but she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.” The minister fainted.

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks “Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?” The barber look around the shop and says “about 2 hours,” and the guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks…”how long before I can get a haircut?” Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says “about 2 hours.” The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks “how long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says “about an hour and a half”. The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says “Hey, Joey, I’ll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes.” In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, “this must be good, where did he go when he left here?” Joey says, “To your house!”

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained the trial to him. “You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in… but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8… and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?” The second one replied, “I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume and regretfully explained to her that he had nothing worthy of her talents. The woman answered that she really needed work and would take almost anything. The personnel manager hemmed and hawed and finally said that he did have a low-skill job on the Tickle Me Elmo line, but nothing else. The woman happily accepted his offer. He took her down to the line, explained her duties, and told her to report at 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there was a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The Tickle Me Elmo line manager came in and started ranting about the woman who had just been hired. After listening to how badly backed up the assembly line was, the personnel manager suggested that the line manager show him the problem. Together they went down to the line and, sure enough, Elmos were backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line was the woman who had just been hired. She had pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos, and had a big bag of marbles. They both watched as she cut a little piece of fabric, took two marbles, and started sewing them between Elmo’s legs. The personnel manager started laughing uncontrollably. Finally, he pulled himself together, walked over to the new employee, and said, “I’m sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles.”

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel. Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds. That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease. As a joke, the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast. Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organizers decided to let the city boy have a try. Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony. Everyone was astonished. “Considering you’ve never even sat on a horse before,” said Tommy’s friends, “how on earth did you manage that?” “Easy,” said Tommy, “my wife’s an epileptic.”

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘ Logan ‘s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,” and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident’… I just lost it.” “CASE DISMISSED!!”

The new guy in town decided to take a few minutes and head down to the local pub to try to meet some people. He stumbled in at about 7 PM and sat down at the bar to order his first drink. One of the regulars sitting at the pool table got up and came over to start up a conversation. He says, “hey, I bet you 5 dollars I can lick my eye”. The new guy was a little put-off by this introduction, but it was early in the evening so he took the bet. Sure enough, the regular had a glass eye, popped it out, licked it, and put in place. A funny enough parlor joke, he handed the man 5 dollars and went back to drinking. A few minutes later he returned, this time saying “I bet you 5 dollars I can touch my elbow to the back of my head.” Desparate for any attention, the new guy handed over another 5 dollars and watched as the regular popped his shoulder out of joint and touched the back of his head. Deciding he had already duped the new guy out of $10, the regular headed back over the pool table for the next few hours. As the bartender began to close up shop, he returned for one last wager. “hey, I bet you $100 I can piss on the celing”. The new guy looked up at the vaulted ceiling which was eaily 30 feet above and was convince he would soon win his money back and a nights worth of drinking. The regular pulled it out but didnt even come close, pissing on the bar and the local guy. “Ha! I won all my money back! That was a stupid bet!” The regular retorted, “yeah, but I bet the guys over there $500 I could piss on you and make you laugh!”

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?” Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I’m really happy with the TV as my boyfriend.” Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello, son, is your grandma home?” The little boy replied, “Yeah, but she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.” The minister fainted.

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first. My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. I’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it. I’m getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging. It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. I think I’ve reached my sexpiration date. People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing. The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.” I’ve tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven’t made one called “Buns of Putty.” Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches. Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up. Remember: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

When Chris Angle levitated in front of Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris just laughed and flew away.

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he’s in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. “Fred,” the driver replies. “Fred what?” the officer asks. “Just Fred,” the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. “Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?” The man replies, “It’s a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. “When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. “After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. “Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling . . . so now I’m just Fred.” The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the roomwent dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked,” May I please use the restroom?” The bartender replied, “I really don’t think you should.” “Why not? ” the nun asked. “Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. ” “Nonsense,” said the nun, “I’ll just look the other way.” So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?” “Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender. “Would you like a drink?” “But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny,Pat?” “I just saw one of your garters!” “Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days!” The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?” “I just saw both of your garters!” Again, she yells, “Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don’t want to see you for three weeks!” Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. “Where do you think you’re going?” she asks. “From what I just saw, my school days are over!”

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. You can’t have everything, where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war. “In 1942,” he says, “the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, ” he continues, “one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me.” At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, “I think I should point out that ‘Fokker’ was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company” “That’s true,” says the pilot, “but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidt’s.”

These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘ Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.. Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married? A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.. Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’? A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A.. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers: ‘Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?’ The husband laughs and says: ‘An Italian girl!!!’ The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: ‘So, honey, how was the trip?’ ‘Very good , thank you.’ ‘And, what happened to my present?’ ‘Which present?’ She asked. ‘The one I asked for – an Italian girl!!’ ‘Oh, that’ she said ‘Well, I did what I could; now we’ll have to wait for a few months to see if it is a girl!!!’

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told them, “and I was wondering if either one of you would like that.” When Adam saw it, he jumped up and down and begged “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to have that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be have. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me.” On and on he went like an excited little boy. So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while. God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, “Well, here’s the other thing and I guess you can have it.” “What’s it called? Eve asked. “Brains” God said.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack a strange voice echoed from the dark, saying: “JESUS IS WATCHING YOU” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “JESUS IS WATCHING YOU”. Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot. “Yep” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you!” The burglar relaxed……..”Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?” “Moses”, replied the bird. “Moses”! the burglar laughed. “What kind of stupid people would name a parrot “Moses”? The bird promptly replied “Probably the same kind of people who would name their Rottweiler “Jesus”…

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said, “Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?” “Ma’am,” the officer said, “You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous”. “Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour”, the old woman said proudly. The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. “Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over.” “Oh! they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142” …

Three men were fishing in the Gulf of Mexico when one of them pulled in ahuge fish. But as soon as it was in the boat, the fish shook thehook out of its mouth and changed into an angry, bearded man wearing a crownand brandishing a three-pronged spear.”Who are you, sir?” quavered one of the fishermen.”I am Neptune, god of the sea, and I am going to put a curse on you!Before you get home, your boat will spring a dozen leaks — nay, make thata dozen and a half, for good measure!”With a nasty laugh, Neptune dived over the side and disappeared. Thefishermen’s boat got so many holes they had to swim ashore, and fromthat day to this, they have never forgotten Neptune’s eighteen holegulf curse.

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary couldn’t believe it! He said, “What’s wrong with you? We’re being boiled alive! They’re gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?” The other missionary said, “I just peed in the soup!”

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO): 1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area. 2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake. 3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes. 4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can’t find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure. 5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it. 6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars. 7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return. 8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don’t understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops. 9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes. 10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection. 11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations. 12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost. 13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere. 14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake’s life. 15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.) 16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date. 17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft. 18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs. 19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don’t show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO’s without power lines or SAM’s. 20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire. 21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target. 22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can’t receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons. 23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW. 24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn’t BELIEVE it when she asked if I’d like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. “Wow!” I said “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now! I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!” She giggled and said she was sure I’d meet the challenge! “Yeah,” I said, just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistband that’s a few inches wider these days!” She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute! “Anyway”, she said, “I’ve put on a couple of pounds myself!” So I hung up.

On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?” So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.” The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?” And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.” The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?” And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.” But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?” “Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.” So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. “Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night.” the mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?” The mailman thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?” “Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “privates” showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.” The mailman laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that. “Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds. “Your name came up seven times….”

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed onevery level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the buildingneeded to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level:level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8,level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16,level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24,level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32,level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, andlevel 40.One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss’s office.He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared histhroat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building hadever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off.The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level — level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 — could not stop laughing.He walked out the door of his boss’s office, feeling all proud of himself,when who should he run into but his boss. “John, come with me now!”John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss lookedat him with fury in his eyes. “John,” he said, “your joke was very disruptiveto the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1,level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8,level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16,level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24,level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32,level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, andlevel 40! You’re fired! Clean out your desk and get out!”But then his frown softened and he added, “Still, I have to admit, that jokewas funny on so many levels.”

1. They start paying everyone in sea shells. 2. The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile takeover. 3. When you say, “See you tomorrow,” the watchman laughs uncontrollably. 4. The chairman walks by your desk and says, “Hey, Hey! Easy on the staples!” 5. The initials of your company are “G.M.” 6. Conference room has been turned into chinchilla farm. 7. Conversations at the water cooler are mainly with yourself. 8. Your boss casually asks you if you know anything about starting fires. 9. You get a lot of memos in Japanese. 10. Your boss asks you not to cash your check until next week.

“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.” “I love cats…they taste just like chicken” “Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.” “Cover me. I’m changing lanes.” “As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools” “Happiness is a belt-fed weapon” “Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.” “Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.” “I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. …Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….” “Montana – At least our cows are sane!” “The gene pool could use a little chlorine.” “I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.” “Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!” “It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.” “When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.” “I took an IQ test and the results were negative.” “If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?” “Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!” “It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.” “Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!” “Forget about World Peace….. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!” “Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.” “Give me ambiguity or give me something else.” “We are bom naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.” “Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.” “He who laughs last thinks slowest”

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. By mistake, St.Peter directs him to go below. So, the engineer reports to the gates of Hell, and checks in. After a few days, the engineer becomes very dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and decides to do something about it. He designs and builds many improvements, and pretty soon they have air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan, on the telephone, and says, “So how’s it going down there in Hell?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators, and there’s no telling what this new engineer you sent me is going to come up with next!” God replies, “WHAT? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should have never have gotten down there. Send him up to me at once.” “No way, I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!” God says, “Send him back up here, or I’ll sue!” Satan laughs uproariously, and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any….a true story… We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: “So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard

On a train there were a bunch of Liberal Arts Majors and a bunch of computer engineers who were headed to a big computer convention. Each of the Liberal Arts Majors had a train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The Liberal Arts Majors started laughing and making fun of them, figuring the engineers were going to get caught and thrown off the train. When one of the engineers, the designated lookout, said “here comes the conductor”, all of the engineers ran into the bathroom and locked the door. The Liberal Arts Majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard, said “tickets please”, and got tickets from all of the Liberal Arts Majors. He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said “ticket please”. The engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor picked it up and moved on. A few minutes later the engineers came out of the bathroom. The Liberal Arts Majors felt really stupid. On the way back from the convention, the group of Liberal Arts Majors decided that they would try that method, too. They bought one ticket for the whole group. They met up with the engineers in the same car. Again, the Liberal Arts Majors started snickering at the engineers. This time NONE of the engineers had tickets. When the lookout said “Conductor coming!”, all the engineers went to one bathroom and all the Liberal Arts Majors went to the other bathroom. Before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left their bathroom, knocked on the Liberal Arts Majors bathroom, and said “Ticket please!”

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was thehusband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts. A malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing , tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”

There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say that I’m a lawyer.” So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, “Oh! You’re a lawyer?” He said, “Why, yes I am!” So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!”

So this isn’t Home Sweet Home … Adjust! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I clean house every other day. Today is the other day. If you write in the dust, please don’t date it! I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener! A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it! I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. If you don’t like my standards of cooking …lower your standards. Although you’ll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn’t always look like this: Some days it’s even worse. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand! Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. My next house will have no kitchen … just vending machines. I’d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump. Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess. Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!

Have you heard the one about the witch’s broom? It’s sweeping the valley.(That one usually floors me, but I’m going to brush it aside before I’m swept away with laughter.)

A customer service award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being so clever while making her point when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers, when suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk front. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS!” The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir, I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks who were in the line ahead of you first. I’m sure we will be able to work something out.” The irate passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?” Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: “May I have your attention, please,” she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.” With the folks behind him laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore “F**K YOU!” Without flinching the agent smiled and said, “Sorry sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.” Are you f@cking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M; freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? Or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always. Best, Wendi Austin, TX

The Black Snake It was the first camping experience for Jed. As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and dishevelled. “What happened?” asked a fellow camper. “I was chased by a black snake!” cried the frightened Jed. The camper laughed and retorted, “A black snake isn’t deadly.” “Listen,” groaned Jed, “If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!”

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. ‘Human beings are the only animals that stutter’, she says. A little girl raises her hand. ‘I had a kitty-cat who stuttered’, she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. ‘Well’, she began, ‘I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!’ ‘That must’ve been scary’, said the teacher. ‘It sure was’, said the little girl. ‘My kitty raised his back, went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’…And before he could say ‘F*ck’, the Rottweiler ate him!’ The teacher wet her pants laughing…….

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.” So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.” They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves… “Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?” She said, “No?” “Well”, he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.” And she didn’t laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and exclaimed, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms.

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer getsdissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designingand building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning andflush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,”So, how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan replies, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning andflush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer isgoing to come up with next.” God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake –he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.” Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, andI’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just whereare you going to get a lawyer?”

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn’t have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, “How many grains of sand are in the beach?” Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, “How many stars are in the sky?” and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, “Here’s this week’s question,” Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, ” Okay, who’s the comedian with the black balls?” Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, “Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!”

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, “Leave me alone!” They both jumped back, silenced. “Whaa??” the teacher blubbered. Then I typed, “I said leave me alone!” The kid got really upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!” It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: “Don’t touch me!” Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.” Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realised what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde, “Stand in the circle and don’t move!” He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh, you think that’s funny? Watch this.” He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she’s laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. “What’s so funny?” the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, “When you weren’t looking I stepped outside the circle four times.”

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!” The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?” The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete…how much steel!! No-think of another wish.” The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally,he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women….know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment….know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’….know how to make them truly happy….” The genie said, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”

Q: How do you make a peanut laugh? A: You crack it up.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete. 3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it. 4. When the going gets tough, upgrade. 5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. 6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural. 7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up. 8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer. 9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine. 10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions. 11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It clearly announced, “$500 Porsche! New!” The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, It’s worth a shot. So he went to the house of the lady who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost-brand-new Porsche. “Wow!” the man exclaimed. “Can I take it for a test drive?” “Sure,” answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly. When he got back to the lady’s house, he asked her, “Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?” Then the lady replied with a laugh, “My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, ‘You can have the house and the furniture. Just sell my Porsche and send me the money.’”

After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said “of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?”

1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. Going to a mosque doesn’t make you a Muslim any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel faster through the mail than checks. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it. 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2″ in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous – yes. The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar – effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. “Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, and your children – Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.” “If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. “Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.” One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.” She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing. “That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises. “Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.” “You’re absolutely right sweetheart,” the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. “Now why were you laughing?” she asked. “You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered. “True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. “Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter. “Why was it so quiet in your room last night?” “Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I’m in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’ my brothers and one for myself.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains. “It’s just that my wife had us join that Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking. — Hasn’t affected my brothers though!”

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet. f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again. m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. o.. Eat well, stay fit–die anyway. p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it. u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator. y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom. z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma’s yelled out saying, “We bet we can tell l exactly how old you are. ” The old man said, “There ain’t no way you can guess it, you old fools.” One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age.” Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, “You’re 84 years old!” “How in the world did you guess?” The old Grandmas snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, “Because we were at your birthday party yesterday.”

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?” “Of course. What may I do for you?” “Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father.” Next!

Grandma’s letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just came from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the lov e of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon, Love, Grandma

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. “I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times, I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!” When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: “What are these guys in the big suits doing?” One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, “Why certainly!” and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon. Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message: “Watch out for these assh*les. They have come to steal your land.”

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn’t have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, “How many grains of sand are in the beach?” Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, “How many stars are in the sky?” and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little johny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, little johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, “Here’s this week’s question,” little johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, ” Okay, who’s the comedian with the black balls?” Immediately, little johnny stands up and says, “Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!”

This is a true story.. An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car! The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the Police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car- jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. AH, SENIOR MOMENTS

Q: Why did the man hit the fortune teller when she started laughing? A: He was striking a happy medium.

Three men were fishing in the Gulf of Mexico when one of them pulled in a huge fish. But as soon as it was in the boat, the fish shook the hook out of its mouth and changed into an angry, bearded man wearing a crown and brandishing a three-pronged spear. “Who are you, sir?” quavered one of the fishermen. “I am Neptune, god of the sea, and I am going to put a curse on you! Before you get home, your boat will spring a dozen leaks — nay, make that a dozen and a half, for good measure!” With a nasty laugh, Neptune dived over the side and disappeared. The fishermen’s boat got so many holes they had to swim ashore, and from that day to this, they have never forgotten Neptune’s eighteen hole gulf curse.

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years and in the back forty it had a nice pond, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court,etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!” The old man replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators.” Old age & cunning will triumph over youth & skill every time!

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?” “Of course. What may I do for you?” “Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father.” Next!

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The pharmacist is perplexed but doesn’t give it a second thought. The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The pharmacist remembers the day before and starts to wonder what’s up but not for too long because he has work to do.The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. Now the pharmacist is intrigued as to what is going on with this guy so he arranges with his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he is going, should the man return. Wouldn’t you know it, The same guy comes back the next day, laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later. The eager pharmacist asked his assistant where the man went? The assistant said: “Your house.”

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot. * Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * All men are idiots, and I married their King. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * Montana — At least our cows are sane! * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. * Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs. * Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. * I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t. * Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? * Keep honking…I’m reloading * 2 Kings 9:20 *Dain bramaged. *Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway *Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel *Boldly going nowhere *CAUTION – Driver legally blonde! *Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends *He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged *How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost? *All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot. * Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * All men are idiots, and I married their King. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * Montana — At least our cows are sane! * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. * Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs. * Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. * I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t. * Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? * Keep honking…I’m reloading * 2 Kings 9:20 *Dain bramaged. *Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway *Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel *Boldly going nowhere *CAUTION – Driver legally blonde! *Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends *He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged *How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost? *All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door behind him. 3. If they can put a man on the moon — they should put them all up there. 4. Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone. 5. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get men to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it. 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions. 13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him cheque books. 14. Remember, a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. 15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

An elderly lady finished her shopping and, upon return to the parking lot, found four men in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, screaming at the top of her voice that she knew how to use it and that she would if required, so they should get out of the car. The four men didn’t wait around for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. Small problem — her key wouldn’t fit the ignition. Her car, identical to the one she was in, was parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station. The officer to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the far end of the counter, where four men were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman. No charges were filed.

The Doctor said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches…The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.” The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, “Let’s see, you’re a size 44 long.” Joe laughed and said, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” “Let’s see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve.” Joe was surprised. “How did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” The shirt fit perfectly. As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, “You could use new shoes.” Since Joe was on a roll, he said, “Sure.” The man eyed Joe’s feet and said, “9-1/2E.” Joe was astonished. “That’s right. How did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, “How about new underwear?” Joe thought for a second and said, “Why not.” The man stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see, size 36.” Joe laughed. “Finally I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 32 since I was 18 years old.” The tailor shook his head. “You can’t wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking Delta,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!” “Delta?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?” “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.” “That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?” “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.” “That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.” A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. “It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of Delta’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel – it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!” “Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.” “Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me.” “Really?” asked the Barber. “What’d he say?” “He said, ‘Where’d you get the lousy haircut?’”

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6 year-olds, because the last one is a classic! Better to be safe than…………………………..punch a 5th grader Strike while the ……………………………………bug is close It’s always darkest before……………………..Daylight Saving Time Never underestimate the power of………….termites You can lead a horse to water but…………..how? Don’t bite the hand that…………………………looks dirty No news is……………………………………………impossible A miss is as good as a……………………………Mr. You can’t teach an old dog new………………math If you lie down with dogs, you’ll………………stink in the morning Love all, trust……………………………………….me The pen is mightier than the…………………..pigs An idle mind is………………………………………the best way to relax Where there’s smoke there’s………………….pollution Happy the bride who……………………………..gets all the presents A penny saved is…………………………………..not much Two’s company, three’s………………………….the Musketeers Don’t put off till tomorrow what……………….you put on to go to bed Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and…..you have to blow your nose There are none so blind as……………………..Stevie Wonder Children should be seen and not……………..spanked or grounded If at first you don’t succeed…………………….get new batteries You get out of something only what you…..see in the picture on the box When the blind leadeth the blind…………….get out of the way Better late than…………………………………….pregnant

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, “The Gold Dust Twins are coming” and I had to smile. ” “Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Slogan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling” and I had to grin.” “Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick” and I could hardly control myself.” “BUT….when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident.” I couldn’t help not laughing out loud.” “Case Dismissed” said the Judge.

—My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. — Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. —I’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it. —I’m getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging. —It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. —These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.” —Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches. —Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up! — Remember: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

Blonde Boater A True Story Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn’t plane at high speed at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida) An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!” The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you’re going to have a senior moment…make it memorable.

Back in the early 80’s Chevy Chase was one of the stars on Password. Toward the end of the game this black woman was ahead in points so she and Chevy were paired togetherfor the final part. He said the key word and she responded. Like this… he said calf, she said cow. Then it was kid, and she said goat. Finally he said doe, she said knob. Chevy busted into laughter…. He laughed so hard they didnt even get the chance to finish the game. Doe…Knob

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, “You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.” President Bush says “Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help, I will do.” The Saudi whispers “My son watches this show ‘Star Trek’ and in it there are Russians, Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn’t understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek.” President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, “It’s because it takes place in the future….”

A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury for possible manslaughter charges after she shot a mugger 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse . She had her hand on her gun when he grabbed the purse, and she was left with the revolver in her hand. When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he was running away she replied under oath: “Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click.” She was acquitted of all charges…… That’s the way it is in Texas!

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her back to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A New York Times reporter has watched the whole thing. The reporter says to the biker, “Sir, that’s the most gallant and brave thing I ever saw a man do in my whole life.” The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt I had to.” The reporter says, “Well, I’m from the New York Times, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… So, what do you do for a living, and, just out of my own curiousity, what political affiliation do you have?” The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and I’m a Republican.” The following morning, the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

Me: Hello. AT&T;: Hello, this is AT&T.; Me: Is this AT&T;? AT&T;: Yes, this is AT&T.; Me: This is AT&T;? AT&T;: Yes. This is AT&T.; Me: Is this AT&T;? AT&T;: Yes! This is AT&T.; May I speak to Mr. Salem please? Me: May I ask who is calling? AT&T;: This is AT&T.; Me: Ok, hold on. At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 2 or 3 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting. Me: Hello? AT&T;: Is this Mr. Salem? Me: May I ask who is calling please? AT&T;: Yes, this is AT&T.; Me: Is this AT&T;? AT&T;: Yes, this is AT&T.; Me: This is AT&T;? AT&T;: Yes, is this Mr. Salem? Me: Yes, is this AT&T;? AT&T;: Yes, sir. Me: The phone company? AT&T;: Yes, sir. Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.; AT&T;: Yes, sir, we are a phone company. Me: I already have a phone. AT&T;: We aren’t selling phones today, Mr. Salem. Me: Well, whatever it is, I’m really not interested, but thanks for calling. When you are not interested in something, I don’t think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying “I’m really not interested,” but this lady was persistent. AT&T;: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a “rate” of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word “rate.” I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering. Me: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day? AT&T;: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that’s right! 24 hours a day! Me: Seven days a week? AT&T;: That’s right. Me: Three hundred and sixty-five days a year? AT&T;: Yes, sir. Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That’s amazing!! AT&T;: We think so! Me: That’s quite a sum of money! AT&T;: Yes, sir, it’s amazing how it adds up. Me: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance? AT&T;: Excuse me? Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute. AT&T;: What are you talking about? Me: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making the payment. AT&T;: Oh no, sir, I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute. Me: Wait a minute here! Didn’t you say you’d give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T;? AT&T;: Well, yes, this is AT&T;, sir, but… Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents a minute that I’ll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don’t use your alien brainwashing techniques on me. AT&T;: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for… Me: There you go again! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!? AT&T;: Sir, I don’t think that is necessary. Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? AT&T;: What? Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! AT&T;: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold. So, now AT&T; has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I’m waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food… Supervisor: Mr. Salem? Me: Yeth? Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program. Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T;) Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is. I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort. Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan. Supervisor: OK, no problem. I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you. Me: Thank you. I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone. AT&T;: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan. Me: Do you have that ‘friends and family’ thing, because you can never have enough friends and I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother. AT&T;: (click)

Man “Haven’t we met before?” Woman “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.” Man “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?” Woman “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.” Man “Is this seat empty?” Woman “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.” Man “So, wanna go back to my place ?” Woman “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?” Man “Your place or mine?” Woman “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.” Man “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?” Woman “It’s in the phone book.” Man “But I don’t know your name.” Woman “That’s in the phone book too.” Man “So what do you do for a living?” Woman “I’m a female impersonator.” Man “What sign were you born under?” Woman “No Parking.” Man “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?” Woman “Do not Enter” Man “How do you like your eggs in the morning?” Woman “Unfertilized” Man “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason” Woman “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!” Man “I’m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.” Woman “You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?” Man “I know how to please a woman.” Woman “Then please leave me alone.” Man “I want to give myself to you.” Woman “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.” Man “I can tell that you want me.” Woman “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you to leave.” Man “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy Woman “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.” Man “Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?” Woman “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species..” Man “Your body is like a temple.” Woman “Sorry, there are no services today.” Man “I’d go through anything for you.” Woman “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.” Man “I would go to the end of the world for you.” Woman “Yes, but would you stay there?”

Smart Ass Answer #5: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, instead he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat….she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.” Smart Ass Answer #4: A lady was shopping for a turkey at the grocery store, but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied,” No ma’am they’re dead. Smart Ass Answer #3: The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. Smart Ass Answer #2: A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right Ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,”Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.” #1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005 . A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A little while into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a frustrated look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, “Leave me alone!” They both jumped back, silenced. “Whaaa??” the teacher blubbered. Then I typed, “I said leave me alone!” The kid got really upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!” It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: “Don’t touch me!” Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.” Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course. What may I do for you?” “Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, “How long before I can et a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About two hours.” The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About two hours.” The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop an says, “About an hour and half.” The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.” In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?” Bill looked up and said, “To your house.”

Why did the man hit the fortune teller when she started laughing? He was striking a happy medium.

A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, “Number twelve!” The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, “Number four!” Again, the whole cell bloock breaks out laughing. The new guy asks his cellmate what’s going on. “Well,” says the older prisoner, “we’ve all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke.” So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, “Number six!” There was dead silence in the cell block. He asks the older prisoner, “What’s wrong? Why didn’t I get any laughs?” “Well,” said the older man, “sometimes it’s not the joke, but how you tell it.”

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and started going at it. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. “Your organ,” she replied. “It’s a bit on the small side.” Hurt, he replied: “Well, It’s not used to playing in cathedrals.”

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit! “Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had “fallen.” This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age. A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. “Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they’ve fallen.” The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!”