Law Jokes

This year, I resolve to … 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you think. 4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow. 6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast. 7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the Tl. 8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine. 9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did. 10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. 11. Not have eight children at once. 12. Get in a whole NEW rut! 13. Start being superstitious. 14. Personal goal: bring back disco. 15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura. 16. Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings. 17. Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash. 18. Speak in a monotone voice and only use mono-syllabic words. 19. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms. 20. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace. 21. Not eat cloned meat. 22. Create loose ends. 23. Get more toys. 24. Get further in debt. 25. Not believe politicians. 26. Break at least one traffic law. 27. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice. 28. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases. 29. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet. 30. Stay off the MIR space station. 31. Not worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world. 32. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home. 33. Not swim with pirhanas or sharks. 34. Associate with even worse business clients. 35. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them. 36. Not take spaceship rides behind comets. 37. Not try to escape from a maximum security prison. 38. Wait around for opportunity. 39. Focus on the faults of others. 40. Mope about my faults. 41. Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?” The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.” The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how do you start a flood?”

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.” Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay, ” says the lawyer, “your turn”. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, “Thank you, ” and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.” “It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer. “Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?” “Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.” Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!” “I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.” “But, I did send them.” “What? You did?” said the lawyer, incredulously. “Yes. That’s how we won the case.” “I don’t understand,” said the lawyer. “It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”

Once upon a time, in a far-off land, there was an ice cream truck driver named Bob. Everyone in the neighborhood knew when Bob’s truck was driving by because of the giant inflatable clown head that he’d strapped to the roof. The clown head had speakers in it, and as Bob drove by he would talk into a little microphone, saying things like, “Hey, kids, buy ice cream!” And lo and behold, it sounded just like the giant inflatable clown head itself was talking. Bob liked his job because he got to make kids happy and eat a lot of ice cream himself. And so it went, for many years. Until one day, the government of the far-off land decided to outlaw ice cream. Yes, all of a sudden, the treats that Bob once sold had become controlled substances. Bob, fearing for his job, quickly converted his ice cream truck into a tuna-fish truck, but he kept the clown head and the speakers for old times’ sake. But instead of turning in his stocks of ice cream to the government, he kept them in the basement of his house, and every day he would take out a popsicle or a sundae cone and eat it in the privacy of his home. It got so Bob would eat more and more ice cream every day, which made him a bit of a jumpier person than he had been before, but nobody seemed to mind. And so it happened that one day, Bob was rather erratically driving his tuna-fish truck around the neighborhood, having just eaten two pudding pops and an orange creamsicle. He picked up his microphone, as he had done so many times before, but when he switched the microphone on, the sugar buzz kicked in, and all he could say was: “T’nnufidgeiss ver’gyood! Buy’tnaow!” And that’s when Bob realized that he had a problem. A problem…with truck head diction.

Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came. “If you can get that worm back in that hole I’ll give you ten dollars,” said Josh. His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother’s hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors. About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars. “But grandpa,” said the boy, “you’ve already given me the ten dollars you promised.” “That’s from your grandma,” said Josh.

How can you tell if Chuck Norris ate rabbits the night before? He has claw marks on his forehead.

“Vermont Senator James Jeffords is being called a hero today after he chased down a teenager who stole a wallet from his daughter-in-law on Capitol Hill. How fat are our kids getting when they’re being run down by 68-year-old senators. … At one point Jeffords yelled out ‘Stop thief’ and two hundred congressmen froze.” – Jay Leno “Some scholars have argued [that] the Constitution clearly states only Congress can declare war, and they are not allowed to simply delegate that authority to the president. However, you can get around that with the legal technique of taking the word ‘constitution’ and adding the word ‘shmonstitution’ to the end of it.” – Jon Stewart “Earlier this week the Senate voted 97-to-0 for tougher regulations. For example, when corporations buy a senator, they must now get a receipt.” – Jay Leno

A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world’s first professional. The Doctor said “It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helpd with the world’s first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman. “No,” said the rabbi. “It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world. “Wait,” Said the engineer “The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter choas?” “And WHO created the chaos?” said the lawyer.

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw his wife flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her. I’ll give you a hundred dollars.” The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “Okay, where’s my hundred?” The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But it’s actually my mother-in-law.” The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. How much do I owe you?”

Two women in the one horse town of Parched Gulch had daughters, each of marriageable age. But there were no prospective husbands in town due to shootings, running off with outlaws and drunk riding. And there was no chance at all of any bridegrooms turning up. The two mothers pooled their meager resources, advertised, and sure enough, they got results: twin brothers in Cactus Corners looking for wives. The twin bridegrooms were sent for. Along the way the twins met up with outlaws. One was killed, the other escaped. Upon his arrival, the mothers were in immediate conflict as to whom the surviving twin belonged. They were going to kill each other over it. After all, each had a daughter’s future at stake. They took the case to Judge A.K. Hornswoggle, alcoholic, disbarred, but with Solomonic frontier wisdom. After due deliberation, Hornswoggle ruled that the young man be chopped in half and one half awarded to each daughter. The first mother was outraged. If Hornswoggle wasn’t drunk or stupid, he was a monster for suggesting such a thing. The second mother thought it would not be a bad solution. And pointing to the second mother, Hornswoggle said, “Your daughter gets him. You are the real mother-in-law.”

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.” Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. “Let me tell you a story,” replied the Priest. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.” The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!” “Simple”, replied the Priest… “It doesn’t matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!”

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, ‘I’m fine’, at the scene of the accident?” asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…” “I didn’t ask for a long, drawn-out story,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’!” Farmer Joe said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…” The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.” Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.” He continued, “I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, he came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?’”

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” “The funeral director,” said his wife.

So, there’s this lawyer who dies and goes to Hell. The lawyer sits in the waiting room for hours, then Satan finally gets to him. “Welcome to Hell,” Satan says. “Have you decided what your Hell is going to be yet?” The lawyer, confused, says, “Well, no. What do you mean?” Satan replies, “Well, we have different types of hell based on your life experiences. You were a lawyer, right? Well, you need to choose between Door A and Door B. Go ahead and think about it. I’ll be back in awhile to hear your decision.” Well, the lawyer gets up and opens Door A. Inside is a courtroom where the judge is yelling, slamming his gavel, and ruling against every case the poor lawyers inside present. The clients are wailing, the lawyers are crying; it’s just terrible! “Hmm,” the lawyer thinks, “That certainly doesn’t look too good. I wonder what Door B has?” Inside Door B the lawyer sees client after client passing lawyers by for other, unknown counsel. No matter how hard they try, no matter how many ambulances they chase, they can’t secure a client. It doesn’t take long for the lawyers to turn on each other, maiming and wounding one another in an effort to be the most attractive to the clients. “Well, I certainly don’t want to spend my eternity in this room of desperation and greed,” the lawyer thinks. So what to do? Off to the side of the two doors, the lawyer sees another unmarked door. Curious, he sneaks a peek inside that room. Inside is a beautiful office filled with spectacular furnishings, state of the art equipment, piles of money, and the most gorgeous legal assistants you can imagine. The lawyers inside sit back and count their money while these wonderful assistants do all the work for them, and in no time at all!! If a lawyer complains of a headache, one of the beautiful assistants massages his temple. If a lawyer wants something to eat or drink, the legal assistant fetches it immediately. If a lawyer complains of sore feet, the legal assistant rubs his feet. “Now THAT’S more like it!!” the lawyer says to himself. When Satan returns awhile later, he asks the lawyer which door, A or B he wants to spend eternity in. The lawyer says, “Well, neither, Satan, but I did see this other door over here that looks pretty good. THAT’S where I want to spend eternity.” Satan says, “No, that’s not an option.” The lawyer questions, “Why not? I was a lawyer, after all, and that room was filled with lawyer type stuff.” Satan chuckles. “No, you don’t understand. You have to pick the hell for lawyers…that door is hell for legal assistants.”

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?” ”Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the–” ”I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. ”Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?” ”Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road–” ”Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and told the lawyer so. ”Well,” said the farmer, “as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?’”

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,” and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians…It creates a hostile work environment.

At Toys “R” Us, Barbie and the Chuck Norris actions figures must be at least eight aisles apart by law. After all, it is a children’s store.

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century. A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,: then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued .. and won! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the “fires.” NOW FOR THE BEST PART… After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat? The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98” A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you told me about?” “It’s $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You’ll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?” “That’s my business! Get me the course!” Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “Please, before it’s too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?” In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, “One less lawyer . . .”

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. “You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?” The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, “Do you know what will happen if you don’t tell the truth?” The client looked back and said, “I imagine that our side will win.”

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ”Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. ”I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’” ”But why?” asks the man. ”I’m a divorce lawyer.”

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true they’re suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer? “Yes, Bubba, sure is true.” Responded the lawyer. “And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?” “Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?” “Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin’ Can I sue Budwiser for all the ugly women I’ve slept with ?”

REVISED HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM FOR SO. CAL. NAME______________________________ GANG NAME_________________________ 1) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold? 2) Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus’ $800 per day crack habit? 3) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make a 20% profit. How many ounces will he need? 4) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4×4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes, and 3 4×4’s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900? 5) Raoul got 6 years for murder, he also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? **Extra credit question: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money??** 6) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight-ounce cans of spray paint? 7) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up? 8) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa with one week’s salary? 9) Billy steals Joe’s skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his Magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked? REMEMBER SAY NO TO DRUGS. GOOD LUCK & NO TALKING.

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?” Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”

Dear Husband: I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or any thing. Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, whatever the case is, I’m gone. P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your EX-Wife Dear Ex-Wife Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem. Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. “This mower work, son?” the preacher asked. Little Johnny said, “Sure does — just pull on the cord hard, though.” The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn’t start. Thinking he’d been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny’s house. “You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough.” “Well,” Johnny said, “you need to curse at it sometimes.” The preacher was aghast. “I’ve not done that in years!” “Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It’ll come back to you.”

An old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defense lawyer asks Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?” “Yes,” said Sam , “I saw him plainly take the goods.” The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?” “Yes” says Sam, “I saw him do it.” Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?” Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally, the fellow started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the designated decoy”

One noted chef was a perfectionist. He made the most delectablemeals because he expected nothing less. Thus it came as a surpriseto one of his students that the chef used low grade spices. “Why doyou use the worst spices when you expect the best?” the studentasked him one day. “Wouldn’t your foods taste so much better if youused premium-grade spices?””I once thought as you do,” the chef answered. “When I was learning,I bought all the best spices — they were fresh and perfectly ground,no flaws whatsoever. But taken with their own perfection, they wereunruly spices, constantly fighting each other to be the dominant tasteinstead of working together. So I tried lower grade spices — theyweren’t so perfect, but they weren’t so intractable either. And so itis well to remember, my dear pupil, that a glitch in thyme behaves fine.”

1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks. 2. No changing your oil in the street. 3. No loud and wild parties without inviting the manager. 4. You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes each only having no more than 6 cans each. 5. Drunkenness will not be tolerated in the streets prior to 10 am. 6. While outside of your trailer you must be at least partially clothed.* 7. If you prefer to clean your trailer in the nude, please close the curtains. * 8. When bringing in the Jerry Springer or COPS film crews, please provide the management prior written notice so that certain residents may be forewarned. 9. Empty beer bottles should not be discarded on the front lawn. However, they may remain there until you are sober enough to collect them with the understanding you will collect them within 7 days whether sober or not. 10. When bringing dates home to your trailer, please be advised that in the event the sidewalks need to be repaired or replaced due to the weight of your date, you will be responsible for all cost incurred. Note* (Exemptions to rules 6 & 7 may be provided to women between the ages of 18 and 35. Please submit a photograph to the manager for approval.) Following these simple rules should make your stay in our trailer park more enjoyable for everyone.

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin’, even the mouse. The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head. Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, While upstairs the family continued to snore. And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, I went into the kitchen and started to clean. When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror. The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; The patch on his jacket said “U.S. POSTMAN.” With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox. Bill after bill, after bill, they still came. Whistling and shouting he called them by name: “Now Dillard’s, now Broadway’s, now Penny’s and Sears Here’s Robinson’s, Levitz’s and Target and Mervyn’s. To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall, Now charge away–charge away–charge away all!” He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work. He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk. He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road, Driving much faster with just half a load. Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer, “Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you’ll be paying all year!”

A wealthy lawyer was being driven around town in his limo when he saw 2 men on the side of the road eating grass. Moved, the lawyer tells his driver to stop and gets out to talk to the men. “What is going on? Why are you eating grass?” he asks the men. “We are very poor sir”, the first responds, “this is all we have.” “Well, come with me” insists the lawyer. “But sir, I have a wife and three kids! My friend here, he was a wife and four kids!” “We will go get them as well” declares the lawyer. An hour later they are all driving in the limo to the lawyers estate. “Sir, I don’t know how to thank you enough!” “Oh, it is no problem. The grass at my house has to be at least a foot tall!”

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart Senate Office Building Phone (202) 224 3254 Washington DC, 20510 Dear Senator Harkin, As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you. My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill’s provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005. Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as ‘in-state’ tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son. Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver’s license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car. If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance. Your Loyal Constituent, Donald Ruppert Burlington, IA

During its heyday the Wells Fargo Company employed a number of specialized stagecoaches such as one with a church for Sunday operation. One of the more popular models featured a darkroom on board, so passengers who took pictures could have them processed en route and the prints delivered at their destination. One day a stagecoach equipped with a darkroom was headed for Wichita when, passing through a small town, it was intercepted by the local marshal, who said, “Halt in the name of the law!” “What’s the problem?” the stagecoach driver asked. “You should know that the operation of a mobile darkroom is illegal in Kansas,” the marshal said. At this point two psychologists on horseback arrived on the scene. One of them said, “I suppose what we have here is a classic case of the Oedipus complex.” The other said, “No, it’s much simpler than that — it’s just an arrested stage of development.”

Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.” “I know the feeling,” the other says. “No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re killing me.”

“My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.” “I called the suicide hot line yesterday and, when I told him how much money I lost in the market, he told me to just go ahead and do it.” “Raising a child is like baking a cake – by the time you find out it’s a disaster, it’s too late.” “Love is not blind — it simply enables one to see things others fail to see.” “Blondes are noticed but redheads are never forgotten.” “If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end-to-end around the equator, it would be a good idea to leave them there.” “A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.” “I had someone ask for an aisle seat on the plane so that their hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.”

At Cambridge University during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued: Proctor: I beg your pardon? Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale. Proctor: Sorry, no. Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale. At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): “Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale.” Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.” “Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don’t carry cash — it’s too plebeian — and the butcher hadn’t brought the shop’s credit card imprinter to the lawyer’s office]. Several periods of time later — it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic — the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 for legal consultation.

The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed…… unless it meets Chuck Norris.

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” “Absolutely,” the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”

A guy is trying to relax at home, but his wife keeps nagging him to mow the lawn. Finally, in between nags he blurts out, “Answer just this one question for me.” She pauses momentarily, and he takes this opportunity to say, “You know, a Deer, a Cow, and a Horse, all eat grass. But a Deer’s excretions are pellets, while a Cow makes flat pies, and a Horse makes clumps…why is that?” His wife says, “I don’t know.” He replies, “Well then, how can you bring up the subject of the lawn, when it’s obvious you don’t know sh*t?”

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. By mistake, St.Peter directs him to go below. So, the engineer reports to the gates of Hell, and checks in. After a few days, the engineer becomes very dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and decides to do something about it. He designs and builds many improvements, and pretty soon they have air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan, on the telephone, and says, “So how’s it going down there in Hell?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators, and there’s no telling what this new engineer you sent me is going to come up with next!” God replies, “WHAT? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should have never have gotten down there. Send him up to me at once.” “No way, I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!” God says, “Send him back up here, or I’ll sue!” Satan laughs uproariously, and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

Description Missus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV it is a remote hijacker, targeted at unsuspecting male humanoids. There may be problems with pop-ups. Variants Girlfriend 1.0 was the first variant, targeted at mycash.com, later versions of Girlfriend exploit the same resources using more sophisticated methods. Live_in (any version) uses different profiles and is targeted at mywayoflife.com. Missus 2.7 is the current variant in which the cooking/cleaning/nookie features are much less effective but the resource consumption is two orders of magnitude greater Also known as SWMBO, ‘er indoors, the totty, the little woman. Distribution The Girlfriend variants have sometimes been bundled with got-drunk, went clubbing and chatted_up_sister’s_mate. The parasitic forms (Live-in and Missus) are invariably self-installing, exploiting any firewall deficiencies to immediately grab Administrator privileges and closing out any other Administrator access. What it does Missus is a blended threat and operates phased attack: 1. It progressively closes all access to any competing products. 2. It grabs access to all available resources 3. It uninstalls the “toys and gadgets” folder completely, and then reprogrammes the firewall to block any related addresses. 4. It installs “soft furnishings.dll” and “redecorate.vxd” (the virtual driver being recursed on a 12-month cycle). 5. It closes down un-wanted processes like pubnight, havefun, watchfootie etc. 6. Having achieved the above it spawns new sub-processes to consolidate its control. 7. It may install parasitic programmes and spyware like In-Laws 1.0 Privacy violation Only for the first few months – after that it prohibits any violation of its privacy. Security issues Yes, your security of title and tenure is severely threatened by the prospect of CPA.VXD. Stability problems Very unstable – prone to spontaneous breakdown without cause. Recovery only possible by allocating ever more resources and granting greater privileges. These steps are non-reversible. Removal Generally regarded as impossible, although some have succeeded through faking death or assuming a new identity. Links Only for the first few months – then discouraged or prohibited.

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?” The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?” Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh… no, I didn’t know that.” “Secondly,” says the lawyer, “my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children.” The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. “Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another with learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?” The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m sorry, I had no idea.” And the lawyer says, “So… if I didn’t give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I’d ever give any to you?”

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. “This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said one. “No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other. And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. “Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall chop the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.” “Sounds good to me,” said the first lady. But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.” The wise king did not hesitate a moment. “The attorney must marry the first lady’s daughter,” he proclaimed. “But she was willing to chop him in two!” exclaimed the king’s court. “Indeed,” said wise King Solomon. “That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.”

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawnmower. “How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher. “I’m just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle,” said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?” The boy said, “You got a deal.” The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.” The little boy said, “That’s ’cause you have to cuss at it to get it started.” The preacher said, “I’m a minister, and I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I’ve been saved that I don’t know if I even remember how to cuss.” The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It’ll come back to ya!”

There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say that I’m a lawyer.” So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, “Oh! You’re a lawyer?” He said, “Why, yes I am!” So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!”

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out….. a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn’t shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!” The other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. ‘HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. “We missed the R ! We missed theR ! We missed the R !” His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?” With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was… “CELEBRATE !!!

Q: When is an outlaw neither left-handed nor right-handed? A: When he’s red-handed.

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said, ”What are we going to do?” ”Nothing,” said Ben, ”The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be…? This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. If I throw a stick, will you leave? If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cats. Does your train of thought have a caboose? Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. A PBS mind in an MTV world. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. A woman’s favorite position is CEO. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1? I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done. I plead contemporary insanity. How do I set a laser printer to stun? Meandering to a different drummer. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

BACHELOR: A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. BRIDE: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. COMPROMISE: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way. DIPLOMAT: A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat. GENTLEMAN: A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up. HOUSEWORK: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn’t do it. HUSBAND: A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had. JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT: A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw. LOVE: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. MISS: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. MISTRESS: Something between a mister and a mattress. MOTHER-IN-LAW: A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers. SPOUSE: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single in the first place. WIFE: A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. “Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.” “You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.” The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. “Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner. “No,” says the tourist, “I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.”

A mafia Don was golfing with two golf associates: a deaf man and his interpreter lawyer. Since the Don was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from his private businesses, he ask the lawyer to ask the deaf man if he was willing to help. This way if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police about what he was doing. The deaf man accepted. On his first week, the deaf man picked up over $50,000. He decided to keep the money and stashed it in a safe place. The mafia Don realized that the collection was late, and he sent a hood after the deaf collector. The hood found the deaf collector and ask him where the money was. The deaf couldn’t communicate with him, so the mafia hood drags the guy to the lawyers office to interpret. The mafia hood says to the lawyer, “Ask him where da money is.” The lawyer signs, “Where’s the money?” The deaf man replies, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The lawyer tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.” The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the basketball star and says, “NOW ask him where da money is.” The lawyer signs, “Where is the money?” The deaf man replies, “The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate .” The lawyer says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger.”

A man goes to the confessional. “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.” “What is your sin, my child?” The priest asks back. “Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.” “When did you do use this awful language?” said the priest. “I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100yards.” “Is that when you swore?” “No, Father.” Said the man. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.” “Is THAT when you swore?” asked the Father again. “Well, no.” said the man, “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!” “Is THAT when you swore?” asked the amazed Priest. “No, not yet.” The man replied. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.” “Did you swear THEN?” asked the now impatient Priest. “No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.” “You missed the f*cking putt, didn’t you?” sighed the Priest.

Before the days when dogs were used to sniff out drugs at airports,many different animals were tried, including chickens, due to theirsuperior sense of smell. Things went awry, however, when the Sergeant incharge of the Poultry Unit was arrested for drug trafficking. At hisarraignment, the Press was scandalized when he pled guilty, but heremained indignant. “What did you expect? I ran a fowl of the law!”

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.” “Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

What’s wrong with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.

A middle aged man goes into the doctor’s office for a check-up with a litany of complaints. The doctor speaks to the man’s wife alone and says, “There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain to him too much or require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he’ll probably live another 20 years.” She returns to her husband’s side in the waiting room. He asks, “What did the doctor tell you?” “You are going to be dying soon, my dear.”

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” “Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them. Third, lawyers multiply faster in numbers, Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to their torture. And fifth, there are some things even a rat won’t do. There is a drawback however; sometimes it’s very hard to extrapolate the test results to human beings!”

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now some what agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50!” figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer!?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Come And Visit Often Pardon Me For Not Getting Up – I Feel Like Lying Down Gone Fishing – Permanently Don’t Come In Yet – Wait Til Later Now Is Not The Time To Ask Me Again There Is Always Lots Of Room Here If You Can’t Say Anything Nice About Me Then Leave Forever A Mess I Must Confess In The Beginning I Was Small, Now I Am Nothing At All If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, You’ll Join Them Here The Only Regrets I Have Are Those Things I Didn’t Do Time Waits For No One But I Wouldn’t Have Minded A Bit Of A Delay I Never Claimed To Know Anything, So Why Am I Here? I wasn’t Always Like This I Never Asked For The Lights To Dim Wishing You Were Here Sad As It Is, I’ll Never Yell At You Again Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange. I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours. As the flowers are all made sweeter by the sunshine and the dew, So this old world is made brighter by the lives Of folks like you. — Bonnie Parker (Bonnie and Clyde) John Brown is filling his last cavity. — Dentist’s Tombstone I told you that I was sick! — Georgia Cemetary, USA Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake; Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. — Pennsylvania Tombstone, USA Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I, As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me. — Tombstone in England To follow you I’ll not consent, Until I know which way you went. — Written on the tombstone in reply to one above The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. — England Tombstone Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there’s only the pod; Pease shelled out and went to God. — Massachusetts Tombstone Gone away, Owin’ more than he could pay. — England Alien tears will fill for him; Pity’s long-broken ern. For his mourners will be outcast men, And outcasts always mourn. — Oscar Wilde’s Tombstone It was a Cough That carried him Off,It was a Coffin They Carried him Off In “The defense rests” Here lies Johnny Yeast, Pardon me For not rising. Auctioneer:Going! Going!! Gone!!! Effie Jean Robinson: Come blooming youths, as you pass by , And on these lines do cast an eye. As you are now, so once was I; As I am now, so must you be; Prepare for death and follow me. Upon which someone scribbled: To follow you I am not content, How do I know Which way you went. Bill Blake Was hanged by mistake. Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw. I would rather be here than in Texas. Here lies the body Of Margaret Bent She kicked up her heels, And away she went. Here he lies, James T. Carson, He blew up his wife, and was hung for arson. Here lies the body of John Round: Lost at sea, and never found.

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven.” Davidson thinks about it and says, “I wanna hang out with God, Himself.” The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of Woman?” God says, “Ah, yes.” Well,” says Davidson, “you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. there’s too much front end protrusion 2. it chatters at high speeds 3. the rear end wobbles too much, and 4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust.” “Hmmm…” replies God, “hold on.” God goes to the Celestial Super computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. “It may be that my invention is flawed,” God replies to Arthur Davidson, but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours.”

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA), signed into law by President John Kerry shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition. “Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said Kerry, a longtime AWNAA supporter. “This is why many of them voted for me. We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing”, said Kerry. President Kerry pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 80 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability. Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home improvement “warehouse” stores (65%) President Kerry has also set an example, personally selecting hundreds of Nonabled people for top government positions, including many cabinet-level jobs. Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million “middle man” positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance. Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in top positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires. Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as “Do you have any goals for the future?” or “Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?” and “Are you awake?” “As a Nonabled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. “This new law should really help people like me.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Kerry, “It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation.”

tried to drown my sorrows, but after three days, mother-in-law floated back to the shore.

Q: What do outlaws eat with their milk? A: Crookies.

The Law of Volunteering” If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. “The Law of Avoiding Oversell” When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. “The Law of Common Sense” Never accept a drink from a urologist. “The Law of Reality” Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. “The Law of Self Sacrifice” When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. “Weiler’s Law” Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself. “Law of Probable Dispersal” Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. “Law of Volunteer Labor” People are always available for work in the past tense. “Conway’s Law” In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired. “Iron Law of Distribution” Them that has, gets. “Law of Cybernetic Entomology” There is always one more bug. “Law of Drunkenness” You can’t fall off the floor. “Heller’s Law” The first myth of management is that it exists. “Osborne’s Law” Variables won’t; constants aren’t. “Main’s Law” For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. “Weinberg’s Second Law” If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Q: What does an attorney wear to work? A: A law suit.

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer getsdissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designingand building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning andflush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,”So, how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan replies, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning andflush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer isgoing to come up with next.” God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake –he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.” Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, andI’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just whereare you going to get a lawyer?”

My Mother taught me LOGIC…”If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” My Mother taught me MEDICINE…”If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.” My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…”If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!” My Mother taught me ESP…”Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?” My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…”What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!” My Mother taught me HUMOR…”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…”If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS…”You are just like your father!” My mother taught me about my ROOTS…”Do you think you were born in a barn?” My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…”When you get to be my age, you will understand.” My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…”Just wait until your father gets home.” My mother taught me about RECEIVING…”You are going to get it when we get home.” And, my all-time favorite – JUSTICE…”One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU — then you’ll see what it’s like!”

A man, a lawyer, a redneck, a nun, a blonde, a dog, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Commandment 3. Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand! Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste. Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston. The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. “No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.” The “conversation” went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, “I’m sorry for the delay but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?” The man replied, “I’m from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I come to hook up your phone.”

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, “I had a big house built for Mama.” The second said, ” I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house.” The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.” The fourth said, “You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.” The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.” “Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.” “Michael, you gave me and expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.” “Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.”

A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the Truck Driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought “Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can’t run down this lawyer” and at the last second the Truck Driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn’t see anything. He turned to the priest and said “Sorry Father, I just missed that Lawyer at the side of the road” And the priest said “Don’t worry son, I got him with my door”

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going?” She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter.” He says, “No kidding! I’m a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?”

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding manand asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’” “But why?” asks the man. “I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up and she unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says, “What you friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!” The bum replies, “Well, I dunno. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50. WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man’s hands on his back. “Excuse me,” the lawyer asked, “But why are you touching my back?” “I’m a chiropractor,” the man replied, “and I sometimes I can’t keep myself from practicing my skills.” “Get control of yourself,” the lawyer shot back. “I’m an attorney, and you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time) Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about. Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly. Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other. The rabbit says, “You feel me first.” The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit. He says, “Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet…” The rabbit says, “I know! I’m a rabbit! Yippee!” Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, “Okay, you’re long and thin, and slimy all over, and there’s a little forked tongue…” The snake says, “Oh no, I’m a lawyer.”

Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, there was a good logical reason for removing the Ten Commandments monument from the Alabama Supreme Court building. You cannot post things like “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery”, and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Q: Why must judges learn to spell well? A: They must follow the letter of the law.

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding… Wouldn’t you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, “You know how fast you were going, boy?” Bob thought for a second and said, “Uh, 60?” “67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!” said the cop. “But if you already knew, officer,” replied Bob, “why did you ask me?” Fuming over Bob’s answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, “That’s speeding, and you’re getting a ticket and a fine!” The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, “You don’t even look like you have a job! Why, I’ve never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!” Bob answered, “I’ve got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!” The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob’s fish, and said, “What kind of job would a bum like you have?” “I’m a rectum stretcher!” replied Bob. “What did you say, boy?” asked the patrolman. “I’m a rectum stretcher!” The cop, scratching his head, asked, “What does a rectum stretcher do?” Bob explained, “People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it’s a full six feet across.” The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, “What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?” Bob said, “You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!”

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be…? This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. If I throw a stick, will you leave? If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cats. Does your train of thought have a caboose? Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. A PBS mind in an MTV world. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. A woman’s favorite position is CEO. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1? I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done. I plead contemporary insanity. How do I set a laser printer to stun? Meandering to a different drummer. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf – always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.” The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

Entries in a Dog’s Diary: 7 am – Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9 am – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite! Noon – Oh boy! The yard! My favorite! 2 pm – Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite! 3 pm – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite! 4 pm – Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite! 6 pm – Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite! 7 pm – Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite! 8 pm – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9 pm – Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite! 11 pm -Oh boy! Sleeping in my people’s bed! My favorite! Entries in a Cat’s Diary: Day 183 of my captivity … My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by winding around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. She speaks with them regularly. I am certain she reports my every move. Due to her current placement in the metal container, her safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

What do outlaws eat with their milk? Crookies.

Basic Rules for Dogs Who Have a Yard To Protect NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that’s placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose. VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark— a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark… LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel. HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll think it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep. THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them. DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing. HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible. GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed. PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don’t injure yourself. CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never — quite — catch them. It spoils all the fun. CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. Eat a shoe.

My Mother taught me LOGIC…”If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” My Mother taught me MEDICINE…”If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.” My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…”If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!” My Mother taught me ESP…”Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?” My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…”What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!” My Mother taught me HUMOR…”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…”If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS…”You are just like your father!” My mother taught me about my ROOTS…”Do you think you were born in a barn?” My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…”When you get to be my age, you will understand.” My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…”Just wait until your father gets home.” My mother taught me about RECEIVING…”You are going to get it when we get home.” And, my all-time favorite – JUSTICE…”One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU — then you’ll see what it’s like!”

One day, while going to the store, I passed by Lanark Lodge. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. ‘Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?’ ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘They ‘re retired prostitutes, & they’re having a yard sale.’

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance. * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. * A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. * Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled. * Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight. * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. * Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. * It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge. * You cannot unsay a cruel word. * Every path has a few puddles. * When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. * The best sermons are lived, not preached. * Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway. * Don’t judge folks by their relatives. * Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. * Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time. * Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none. * Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’. * Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. * The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’. * Always drink upstream from the herd. * Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. * Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in. * If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around. * Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

These are actual notes from Doctors patient charts… 1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely. 3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993. 5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused an autopsy. 9. The patient has no past history of suicides. 10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 14. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. 15. She is numb from her toes down. 16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 17. The skin was moist and dry. 18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 19. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. 21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 26. The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead. 27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present. 28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor. 29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.