Legal Jokes

“Vermont Senator James Jeffords is being called a hero today after he chased down a teenager who stole a wallet from his daughter-in-law on Capitol Hill. How fat are our kids getting when they’re being run down by 68-year-old senators. … At one point Jeffords yelled out ‘Stop thief’ and two hundred congressmen froze.” – Jay Leno “Some scholars have argued [that] the Constitution clearly states only Congress can declare war, and they are not allowed to simply delegate that authority to the president. However, you can get around that with the legal technique of taking the word ‘constitution’ and adding the word ‘shmonstitution’ to the end of it.” – Jon Stewart “Earlier this week the Senate voted 97-to-0 for tougher regulations. For example, when corporations buy a senator, they must now get a receipt.” – Jay Leno

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT. A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00). He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin It’s mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural-looking open water for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float in. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG…??? Let’s talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice. The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his Master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog’s rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master. Then ” BOOOOOOOOM…. The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with “I can’t believe this just happened” looks on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments. The dog is okay. . .doing fine. And you thought Rednecks only live in the South………

All of his life George from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they’d walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when George’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. “Grandma, it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?” Granny looked into George’s eyes and said, “Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July.”

So, there’s this lawyer who dies and goes to Hell. The lawyer sits in the waiting room for hours, then Satan finally gets to him. “Welcome to Hell,” Satan says. “Have you decided what your Hell is going to be yet?” The lawyer, confused, says, “Well, no. What do you mean?” Satan replies, “Well, we have different types of hell based on your life experiences. You were a lawyer, right? Well, you need to choose between Door A and Door B. Go ahead and think about it. I’ll be back in awhile to hear your decision.” Well, the lawyer gets up and opens Door A. Inside is a courtroom where the judge is yelling, slamming his gavel, and ruling against every case the poor lawyers inside present. The clients are wailing, the lawyers are crying; it’s just terrible! “Hmm,” the lawyer thinks, “That certainly doesn’t look too good. I wonder what Door B has?” Inside Door B the lawyer sees client after client passing lawyers by for other, unknown counsel. No matter how hard they try, no matter how many ambulances they chase, they can’t secure a client. It doesn’t take long for the lawyers to turn on each other, maiming and wounding one another in an effort to be the most attractive to the clients. “Well, I certainly don’t want to spend my eternity in this room of desperation and greed,” the lawyer thinks. So what to do? Off to the side of the two doors, the lawyer sees another unmarked door. Curious, he sneaks a peek inside that room. Inside is a beautiful office filled with spectacular furnishings, state of the art equipment, piles of money, and the most gorgeous legal assistants you can imagine. The lawyers inside sit back and count their money while these wonderful assistants do all the work for them, and in no time at all!! If a lawyer complains of a headache, one of the beautiful assistants massages his temple. If a lawyer wants something to eat or drink, the legal assistant fetches it immediately. If a lawyer complains of sore feet, the legal assistant rubs his feet. “Now THAT’S more like it!!” the lawyer says to himself. When Satan returns awhile later, he asks the lawyer which door, A or B he wants to spend eternity in. The lawyer says, “Well, neither, Satan, but I did see this other door over here that looks pretty good. THAT’S where I want to spend eternity.” Satan says, “No, that’s not an option.” The lawyer questions, “Why not? I was a lawyer, after all, and that room was filled with lawyer type stuff.” Satan chuckles. “No, you don’t understand. You have to pick the hell for lawyers…that door is hell for legal assistants.”

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? Also they track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. I think the solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.

Q: What happens if a pig parks illegally? A: It oink-urs a fine.

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up a home office in the den, and I’m thinking of buying a computer. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud. ABBOT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud. ABBOT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy? ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don’t know. What do I see when I look out the windows? ABBOT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows? COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got? ABBOT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOT: Recommended something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOT: Yes. COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office. ABBOT: Office for Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let’s say I’m sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOT: Word. COSTELLO: If I’m writing a proposal, I’m going to need lots of words. But what program do I load? ABBOT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOT: The Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in “office for windows?” ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W. COSTELLO: I’m going to click your big W if you don’t give me a straight answer. Let’s forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet? ABBOT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it? ABBOT: RealOne. COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie I’ll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four? ABBOT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great! With what? ABBOT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Okay, so I’m sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOT: You click the blue 1. COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOT: The blue 1. COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W? ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is Real One. The blue W is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there’s three words in “office for windows!” ABBOT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words. COSTELLO: And that word is the real one? ABBOT: No. Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part of Office. COSTELLO: Never mind; I don’t want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer? ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get? ABBOT: Just one copy. COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn’t that illegal? ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money. COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money? ABBOT: Why not? They own it. COSTELLO: Well, it’s great that I’m going to get free money, but I’ll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money? ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago. COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: You sell money? ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free. COSTELLO: That’s all very wonderful, but I’ll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting? ABBOT: Simply Accounting. COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated. ABBOT: If you don’t want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for? ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business. COSTELLO: I beg your pardon? ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know–accounting? You do it with money. ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more. COSTELLO: More money? ABBOT: More than Money. Money can’t do everything. COSTELLO: I don’t need a sermon! Okay, let’s forget about money for the moment. I’m worried that my computer might… what’s the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data? ABBOT: Go Back. COSTELLO: Okay. I’m worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend? ABBOT: Go Back. COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself? ABBOT: I’ve never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was Go Back. COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven’t even been anywhere? Okay, I’ll go back. What do I need to write a proposal? ABBOT: Word. COSTELLO: But I’ll need lots of words to write a proposal. ABBOT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there’s three words in … Oh, never mind. ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store: Can I help you?

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat? The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98” A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer’s house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen. The farmer mentioned the situation to the game warden. The warden then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish. The warden dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the warden in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot. The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. The warden said, “I’m going to have to place you under arrest–I am a game warden and you are fishing illegally!” The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the warden. The stranger then said, “Are you gonna talk or fish?”

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn’t, sent them off to get one. They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards — his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk’s office, caught him again, and got another license. This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk… After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied. Judge: “I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards.” Groom: “That’s funny – that’s just what the clerk called you.”

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds. “No, not worth it!” “OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?” “No, not worth it!” “OK, 20?” “No, not worth it!” “How about 10?” “No, not worth it!” “Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?” “Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it.”

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart Senate Office Building Phone (202) 224 3254 Washington DC, 20510 Dear Senator Harkin, As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you. My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill’s provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005. Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as ‘in-state’ tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son. Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver’s license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car. If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance. Your Loyal Constituent, Donald Ruppert Burlington, IA

During its heyday the Wells Fargo Company employed a number of specialized stagecoaches such as one with a church for Sunday operation. One of the more popular models featured a darkroom on board, so passengers who took pictures could have them processed en route and the prints delivered at their destination. One day a stagecoach equipped with a darkroom was headed for Wichita when, passing through a small town, it was intercepted by the local marshal, who said, “Halt in the name of the law!” “What’s the problem?” the stagecoach driver asked. “You should know that the operation of a mobile darkroom is illegal in Kansas,” the marshal said. At this point two psychologists on horseback arrived on the scene. One of them said, “I suppose what we have here is a classic case of the Oedipus complex.” The other said, “No, it’s much simpler than that — it’s just an arrested stage of development.”

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.” “Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don’t carry cash — it’s too plebeian — and the butcher hadn’t brought the shop’s credit card imprinter to the lawyer’s office]. Several periods of time later — it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic — the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 for legal consultation.

A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies: “Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.” “Find Amelia Earhart yet?” “Can you hear me NOW?” “Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!” “Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?” “You know, in some states, we’re now legally married.” “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?” “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.. You do the Hokey Pokey….” “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!” “If your hand doesn’t fit, you musta quit!” “Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.” “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?” “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze. You can’t remember…is pot illegal? You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula. You can’t remember…..is pot illegal? A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don’t even notice. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag. You can’t remember…is pot illegal? It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station about “STORM WATCH.” You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. Both you AND your dog have therapists. You can’t remember…… is pot illegal???????

One hot summer day, a man is filling up his black pickup truck at the local gas station. He isn’t very careful, and he gets gasoline all over his jacket’s left sleeve. He ignores it, and leaves the station after paying for the gas. As he’s driving down the highway, the heat of the sun on his truck’s black paint is enough to ignite his jacket sleeve. He drives faster, waving his arm out the window in an attempt to extinguish the flames, but they burn hotter! As he speeds down the highway, a state trooper sees the situation and pulls him over. He jerks the man out of the truck and rolls him on the ground until the fire is extinguished. As the man dusts himself and thanks his rescuer, he sees the officer is writing him a summons! Confused, he asks, “You’re writing me a ticket!? What for?” The officer replies, “Posession of an illegal fire arm.”

18. If you can’t feed ’em, don’t breed ’em!” 17. Jesus loves you…but everyone else thinks you are an asshole. 16. Impotence…Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings.” 15. The proctologist called…they found your head. 14. Everyone has a photographic memory…some just don’t have any film. 13. Save your breath…You’ll need it to blow up your date. 12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. 11. I used to have a handle on life…but it broke off. 10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 9. Guys…just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to be one. 8. Some people just don’t know how to drive…I call these people “Everybody But Me.” 7. Heart Attacks..God’s revenge for eating His animal friends. 6. Don’t like my driving? Then quit watching me. This one is for L_G, hehe. 5. If you can read this…I can slam on my brakes and sue you.. 4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. 3. Try not to let your mind wander…It is too small and fragile to be out by itself. 2. Hang up and drive!! AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER YOU’D LIKE TO SEE!! 1. Welcome to America…now speak English

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you’re ahead?” Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists — most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration…

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. “So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked. “No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives.” He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.” Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard — but no Ark. “Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?” “Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. “I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. “Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. “Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentaliststhat I needed the wood to save the owls — but no go! “When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property. “Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-poof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment. “I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew. “Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits.. “The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. “To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. “So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark.” Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean You’re not going to destroy the world?”. “No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot. * Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * All men are idiots, and I married their King. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * Montana — At least our cows are sane! * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. * Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs. * Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. * I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t. * Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? * Keep honking…I’m reloading * 2 Kings 9:20 *Dain bramaged. *Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway *Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel *Boldly going nowhere *CAUTION – Driver legally blonde! *Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends *He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged *How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost? *All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot. * Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * All men are idiots, and I married their King. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * Montana — At least our cows are sane! * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. * Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs. * Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. * I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t. * Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? * Keep honking…I’m reloading * 2 Kings 9:20 *Dain bramaged. *Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway *Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel *Boldly going nowhere *CAUTION – Driver legally blonde! *Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends *He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged *How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost? *All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, “Someone might steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then management said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people; one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies. Then management said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?” So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then management said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a timekeeper and a payroll officer; then hired two more people. Then management said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people; an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then management said, “We’ve had this command in operation for one year now and we’re $18,000 over budget. We have to cutback on overall costs.” So they laid off the night watchman.

You met him in prison. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser.” When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.” During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.” A prison guard is shaving your head. Every couple of minutes he yells, “I call Jack Daniels to the stand!” and proceeds to drink a shot. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger. He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table. He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said . . .” He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra. Just before trial starts he whispers, “The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?” Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers. The sign in front of his law office reads “Practicing Law Since 2:25.” Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, “Whatever.” He giggles every time he hears the word “briefs.”

Q: Do you know about the book about copyright infringement? A: It had legal binding.

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives.” He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.” Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard — but no Ark. “Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?” “Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. “I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. “Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. “Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentaliststhat I needed the wood to save the owls — but no go! “When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property. “Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-poof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment. “I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew. “Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits.. “The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. “To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. “So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark.” Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean You’re not going to destroy the world?”. “No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them “It’sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro.” “Vot do you mean it’s illegal?” asks the German driver. “Quattro meansa four” replies the Italian official. “Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile” the Germans retort unbelievingly. “Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons.” “You canta pulla thata one on me!” replies the Italian customs officer. “Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law.” The German driver replies angrily, “You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!” “Sorry” responds the Italian officer, “He can’ta come. He’sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.”

New Old Sayings Anywhere you hang your @ is home. The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks. Great groups from little icons grow. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. C: is the root of all directories. Don’t put all your hypes in one home page. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. The modem is the message. Too many clicks spoil the browse. The geek shall inherit the earth. A chat has nine lives. Don’t byte off more than you can view. Fax is stranger than fiction. What boots up must come down. Windows will never cease. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal). Virtual reality is its own reward. Modulation in all things. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. There’s no place like ( http://www.)home(.com) Know what to expect before you connect. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. Speed thrills. Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use The Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.

An attorney was driving through the country side when his car failed him. He looked under the hood and knocked a few items around with a hammer. In the process he knocked off a gas line and got his arm soaked with gas before getting it back on. Discouraged, he attempted to start his car. Much to his surprise it started and he headed for the nearest town for a permanent repair. To celebrate his success he lit up a cigarette, at which time his arm exploded into flames. He stuck his arm out the window hoping the wind at 50 miles per hour would put it out. He was promptly pulled over by a local constable and given a ticket for an illegal use of a firearm.

There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemies but remember their name. 3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they’re in trouble again. 4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them. 5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk!

You might be a redneck if …. You’ve ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table. Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings. You’ve ever re-used a paper plate. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side. If you’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table. Your turkey platter is an old hub cap. Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them. Your stuffing’s secret ingredient comes from the bait shop. Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup. Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies. You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge. The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. Your secret family recipe is illegal. You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.

Chuck Norris is a former #1 draft pick in the NFL. He immediately retired when they told him in training camp that a round house kick to the face was not a legal method of tackling. Enraged, he cursed the franchise to never ever make the playoffs. We know them as the Detroit Lions.

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. “So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked. “No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him.”

HEADLINES FOR THE YEAR 2040 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally . . scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon). Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 300 lbs. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036. Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Florida Voters still don’t know how to use a voting machine

Q: What happens when a frog parks illegally? A: It gets ‘toad’.

The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside. “You’re all grown men,” he said, “and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married.” “What?” gasped one of the sons. “Do you mean to say we’re all bastards?” “Yes,” snapped the old man, “and cheap ones, too!”

It was raining hard but I was in a cheerful mood so I said to my mate, “Lovely weather isn’t it?”“Yeah, he replied grumpily. “For fucking ducks!”Shocked, I said, “Is that legal?”

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe…Just their standard naan disclosure agreement!

If an illegal immigrant and a child molester have a fight.. is it Alien vs Predator?

Just seen an illegal Mexican boy get into a van with a pedophile. Talk about alien vs predator

If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening or married to someone else.

It all makes sense now!! Gay marriage and Pot legalized on the same day… Leviticus 20:13 “If a man lays with another man he should be stoned.” We’ve just been misinterpreting it all these years!!

Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible

A Massachusetts man was arrested for illegally keeping over 400 birds in his home. He tried to keep it a secret, but he couldn’t keep the birds from tweeting about it.

Legally,It’s questionable. Morally,It’s disgusting. Personally,I like it.

Marriage is the only legal way to trade cash for sex.

The ONLY thing I miss about being a teenager is being able to legally punch other teenagers.

If steroids are illegal for athletes, then Photoshop should be illegal for models

It’s funny how if you are a minority and commit a mass murder, you are either a terrorist, thug, or an illegal, but if you are white, then you have a mental disorder and misunderstood!

Gay marriage is legal in 6 states. Having sex with a horse is legal in 23. Good going, America.

U2 has never paid for legal representation, as their lawyers are pro-Bono.

What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.

My friend phoned to tell me he legally changed his name to Spinal Column. “Can I call you back?” I asked.

What do you call a sick eagle?illegal.

I saw on the news (really) that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.I don’t get it as it’s illegal to own a Christian, let alone buy or sell one.

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?One is in violation of the law and the other is a sick bird.

What happens to an illegally parked frog?It gets toad.

Did you hear about the town that legalised weed but banned alcohol?The residents were left high and dry.

A guy tried to sell me illegal bees to make free honey.I said no because I knew it was a sting operation.

What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal?Unlawful means against the law, while the other is a sick bird.

Did you hear about the man going around painting peoples houses illegally?They caught him red handed.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipeJust their standard naan disclosure agreement.