Lottery Jokes

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!” The wife says, “Wow! That’s great! I’m so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?” He says, “I don’t care. Just get the hell out!”

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a freakin’ checking account.” To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?” “Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a freakin’ checking account right now.” “Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!” The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, “What seems to be the problem here?” “There’s no damn problem,” the man says, “I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin checking account in this damn bank!” “I see sir,” the manager said, “and this bitch is giving you a hard time?”

What lottery did the broom win? The sweepstakes.

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery! The wife says, “Wow! That’s great! I’m so happy!! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains? He says, “I don’t care. Just get out.”

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot. * Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * All men are idiots, and I married their King. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * Montana — At least our cows are sane! * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. * Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs. * Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. * I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t. * Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? * Keep honking…I’m reloading * 2 Kings 9:20 *Dain bramaged. *Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway *Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel *Boldly going nowhere *CAUTION – Driver legally blonde! *Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends *He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged *How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost? *All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot. * Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * All men are idiots, and I married their King. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * Montana — At least our cows are sane! * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. * Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs. * Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. * I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t. * Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? * Keep honking…I’m reloading * 2 Kings 9:20 *Dain bramaged. *Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway *Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel *Boldly going nowhere *CAUTION – Driver legally blonde! *Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends *He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged *How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost? *All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Yo mama so poor when she found a penny on the ground she thought she won the lottery

Q: What lottery did the broom win? A: The sweepstakes.

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth, he decides on exactly what he will buy.He buys a 20 acre plot of land in Mexico and hires an architect. I want mi casa to be built right there, with big columns in front, and a marble foyer, and at the end of the hall I want a halo statue. The architect, excited aboutmaking mega bucks off this man, jots down exactly what the Mexican wants,I’ll do it sir, I’ll make this a fine house for you! All the plans are made and the architect starts construction. He searches six different countries to find exquisite columns for the front of the house and has marble shipped in from France to line the foyer. The only problem he has is that he cannot locate a halo statue. Knowing that religious symbols are important to many Mexicans, he continues to search high and low for month after month. The house is finally complete, but alas, the architect was never able to locate a halo statue. Swallowing his pride for not being able to complete the order, he takes the Mexican to see his new home. Si Senor! exclaims the Mexican. You got da columns in front of mi casa! The architect smiles. They enter the house and the Mexican notices the marble floor. Wonderful! I love mi new marble floor Senor! states the Mexican as he wanders down the hall. He reaches the end of the hall and looks puzzled. Senor Where is my halo statue? asks the Mexican Well, sir, I’m afraid to have to tell you this, but I searched high and low and just could not for the life of me figure out what a halo statue is, much less find one for you anywhere, says the architect, hanging his head in shame. What You don’t know what a halo statue is? No, sir, I’m sorry, I do not know, replies the architect. You know, says the Mexican, it’s that thing that goes ‘ringy dingy’ and you pick it up and say, ‘halo statue’

The lottery gives you a 1 in a million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow…Alcohol gives you 1 in 5!

I was shocked at price of those ‘Ancestry DNA kits’, so rather than spend £150, I just announced that I had won the lottery…I quickly found out who my relatives were!

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. I don’t understand the sudden change of heart, but who am I to ask. I’m so lucky…I mean, first I win the lottery and now this!

If you had to choose between a lottery jackpot and your missus…What car would you buy?

The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow…Alcohol gives you 1 in 5!

I don’t see my wife and kids anymore due to my gambling…I won the lottery and moved to Spain!

Why don’t fortune tellers ever win the lottery?

I can’t afford an Ancestry DNA Kit to learn about my relatives…So instead, I posted online that I have just won the lottery!

My wife and I had a big argument last night. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible…Wait until she hears I’ve won the Nigerian lottery!

I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law…She lives alone at Flat 48 Station Road on the 3rd floor and she has just won the lottery. The keys are under door mat!

I won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. … … I now have $999,999.75

I saw a sign in a shop- Mosquito nets 10′ I didn’t even know bugs could play the lottery.

I keep having these fantasies about the beautiful Lottery Lady on Saturday Evening TV … …. No, not about winning the jackpot, I’m imagining her holding my balls in her hands.

Man says to wife “what would you do if I won the lottery” Wife “take half and leave your ass” Husband “good, I won 12 bucks here is 6, now get the hell out.

What’s better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar and say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

I’ve got money left over for condoms or lottery tickets. I’m trying to calculate the odds.

I found an old coin and took it to a coin expert to examine it! He said “This could be worth $5,000,000.00!” After catching my breath I gasped “Really?” he tossed it back to me and said “Yeah, if you use it to scratch off a winning lottery ticket!!!’

My wife and I had a big argument last night. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible…Wait until she hears I’ve won the Nigerian lottery!

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.MAN, I sure am LUCKY!I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!

My wife said to me: If you won the lottery, would you still love me?I said: Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.MAN. I sure am LUCKY!I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!