Magic Jokes

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week. However, there was a problem – the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show: “Look, it’s not the same hat.” “Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself, with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another. Finally, after a week the parrot said, “OK, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?”

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn’t BELIEVE it when she asked if I’d like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. “Wow!” I said “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now! I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!” She giggled and said she was sure I’d meet the challenge! “Yeah,” I said, just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistband that’s a few inches wider these days!” She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute! “Anyway”, she said, “I’ve put on a couple of pounds myself!” So I hung up.

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats aroundhim. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?” The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose.”

In the not-so-distant future, Canada is in Civil War: Quebec vs. the rest of Canada. There are two friends, Ethan from Canada and Joshua from Quebec. They are both extremely patriotic, but still maintain their friendship by sitting hanging out at the border. One day while walking, they come across a magic lamp, conveniently labeled ‘magic lamp’. They both dive for it, and a genie pops out. “Alright,” the genie says. “You guys probably know the whole ‘wishes’ spiel, but since three doesn’t divide into two evenly, I’m gonna give each of you one wish.” Joshua jumps up. “I wish for a mile high wall to surround Quebec that’s impenetrable from the outside.” With a snap of his fingers and the wall appears, separating Joshua from Ethan and the genie. The genie turns to Ethan. “Well?” he asks. Ethan ponders for a few moments. “Fill it with water.”

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a U.S. Marine Corps uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, sir,” she ask quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?” The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose, and that I was just about to make my selection for this flight.”

A ginger man finds a magic lamp and when he rubs it a genie pops out. “Ah, hell,” says the genie, “What do you want?” The ginger says, “I want a huge mansion with a hundred rooms and twenty floors, all made of pure gold.” The genie looks at him and says, “don’t be an idiot, do you have any idea how much gold that would take? That’s impossible. Pick something else.” So the ginger says, “I want everyone to stop making fun of my hair colour.” The genie says, “So this mansion, you want suite bathrooms?”

The Amazing Magical Snake Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years”? The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?” Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: “The prince was wonderful but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension”. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother”. The fairy godmother replied “it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?” Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.” At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?” Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.” Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, &held; her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered……… BET YOU’RE SORRY YOU NEUTERED ME.”

Q: What do you call a dead magician’s assistant? A: An abracadaver.

Q: What did the fisherman say to the card magician? A: Pick a cod, any cod!

A man walks into a bar with a head under his arm, he sits down at the bar and places the head on the table. “Can I have a beer for me and my son please?” The barman looks a bit puzzled but gives them both a drink. The man tilts the boy’s head back and pours the drink down his throat. Suddenly like magic the boy grows a torso. “Wow, I am amazed I have never seen that before”, said the barman. “I’ll give him a drink on the house.” he added. The man again pours the drink down his throat and bam, the boy grows an arm. The people at the bar are so amazed by this they keep on buying the boy a drink until finally he has a full body. “Right dad, I’ve had enough, meet you back home.” At this the boy opened the door, stepped outside and got run over by a bus. The barman is distraught, “I am so sorry, if I knew that was going to happen I would have never bought him that drink. “Don’t worry,” the man said “he should of quit while he was ahead.”

A Guide to Investments STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50. BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com. BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell “Broke”. BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you. BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter. MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you’re supposed to be listening to your manager’s presentation. SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn’t actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. “The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I’m a little short this month.”). COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one. YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

Magician A magician shows his agent his new act in which he makes 200 cigars appear out of thin air, takes a puff on each, and then swallows them one at a time until they’re all gone. “That’s amazing,” says the agent. “How do you manage to do it?” “Very simple,” says the magician. “I get the cigars wholesale from a cousin in Tampa.”

There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.” *POOF* The mirror swallows her. Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, “I think I think I’m the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her. Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, “I think…” *POOF*

Ways To Confuse Your Roommate 1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest any time your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Big Mac” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. 2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate’s head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning. 3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, “Hooray! You’re back!” as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, “Shouldn’t you be going somewhere?” 4. Trash the room when your roommate’s not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, “Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again.” 5. Every time you see your roommate yell, “You son of a…” and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream. 6. Set your roommate’s bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you’ve been watching too much “Punk’d”. Do it again. Tell him/her that you’re not sorry because this time, they deserved it. 7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you’ve been having terrible nightmares. 8. Eat lots of “Lucky Charms.” Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can’t say anything more, or you’ll have to face the consequences. 9. Set up meetings with your roommate’s faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same. 10. “Drink” a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

A blonde, brunette, and red head were on top of a magic mountain. The myth of the mountain was that if you jumped off of it and yelled out what you wanted to be, you would instantly turn into it. The brunette jumped off and said she wanted to be an Eagle, so she turned into an Eagle and flew away. Next, the redhead jumped off and said she wanted to be a cat. So, she landed on all fours and walked away. Then the blonde got a running start, tripped over a rock, and yelled… “CRAP!”

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts, and then I blend them altogether with some parmesan and olive oil…Then, hey… pesto!

I was in bed with a woman and she said, “I want tonight to be magical!” And it was…After we had sex, I disappeared!

BREAKING NEWSAladdin has been stripped of his Olympic gold medal for the magic carpet marathon. Apparenty he was using performance enhancing rugs!

I brought a girl back to my house, took her up to my bedroom and said, “This is where the magic happens babe.”She said, “Oh really? I’m getting excited now.”So I said, “Yes. Pick a card!”

BREAKING NEWSAladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race…Apparently he’s been using performance enhancing rugs!

What do you call a magical bra?An abracadabra!

I come from a family of failed magicians… I have 2 half sisters!

A spanish magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3…He says, “Uno, dos…” and then poof… he disappeared without a tres!

I’ve worked in a carpet shop for years. Not once has a girl come in to ask for a magic carpet…However, last week I had a lad in!

What do you call a magic dog?A labracadabrador!

Mexican magician: “I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos..” *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres.

Whilst reading through an ancient book at the British Library, I found a magic spell’ that would supposedly make women want to have sex with me. Worked like a fucking charm.

I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand. You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

What do you call a Magician’s dog? A Labracadabrador.

YOUR LISTENING TO MAGIC FM……..pick a frequency, any frequency

I call my bedroom the place where the magic happens’ because it’s where I make my self-respect disappear.

The three magic words EVERY woman loves to hear, “You were right.”

Love is a lot like magic, both are fake and there’s always some asshole trying to ruin the illusion for you.

My bed is a magical place where I can suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.

No thank you GPS. I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything.

Magic trick: Take your age, subtract three, now add three. That’s your age.

My wife’s a magician. She can turn anything into an argument.

My magic watch say’s you don’t have any underwear on… Oh, you do?… It must be 15 minutes fast.

I met a girl in a bar last night and she said she wanted the night to be magical…. So I fucked her and disappeared.

When I give people a tour of my bedroom, I like to say, “And this is where the magic happens,” followed by a sad, “… magic isn’t real.”

I was surprised to read that an African doctor treating Ebola patients had died from the disease. Surely he could have stayed a safe distance from the patient while he danced and waved his magic bone.

I dreamt I was in a very magical world where people didn’t get butthurt over every little f*cking joke. Weird huh?!?!

The real magic of Christmas is how quickly money vanishes from my wallet.

All this negativity in the world and I still remain Positive! -Magic Johnson

For my next magic trick i’ll need a condom and a volunteer.

A magician was driving down the street… Then he turned into a driveway.

A Mexican magician tells his audience “I’ll disappear on the count of three.” He counts down “Uno..dos..” and he disappears without a tres.

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.

BREAKING: Magicians’ assistants are more likely to lose their lives during the pandemic due to huge spikes in cases!

What do you call a magician who loses his magic??Ian.

What do you call a cute dog who’s a magician?A labracadabradorable.

What do you call a dog magician?A labracadabrador.

What do you call a magical dog?A labra-cadabra-dor.

I met a magical Genie. He gave me one wish. I said, I wish I could be you.The Genue saud, Weurd wush but U wull grant ut.

Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.Apparently he’s been using performance enhancing rugs.

What do you call a Magician who lost his magic?ian.

I met a magical genie once. He gave me one wish. I said I wish I could be you.The genue saud, weurd wush but U wull grant ut.

A Mexican magician said he will disappear on the count of 3.He says Uno, Dos…. Poof.He disappeared without a tres.

What did the magician say to the fisherman?Pick a cod, any cod.

A Mexican magician said he will disappear on the count of 3.He says:Uno, Dos…Poof.He disappeared without a tres.

What do you call a magical bra?An abracadabra.