May Jokes

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.”Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom.” The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.” Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.” “Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?” “Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled. During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror. “There may be,” he replied. “Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything.” Both were excused.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don’t hurt. 3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there. 4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Martin Luther King may have had a dream, but Chuck Norris had a body count.

At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected “knock” on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It’s Morris! And he’s again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Luanne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. Luanne is set to goes to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, andthere he is again… Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another. As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, you have enough juice to go at it three times. I’ve been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You’re a great lover, Morris!” Morris, looking somewhat befuddled, turns to Luanne and says… “WHAT?…You mean I was here already?!”

I am very detail-oreinted. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable. Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty! Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume. I am sicking and entry-level position. It’s best for employers that I not work with people. Here are my qualifications for you to overlook. I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated. If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope. My fortune cookie said, “Your next interview will result in a job.” And I like your company in particular. You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate! I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt. Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity. Please disregard the attached resumeit is terribly out of date. Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable. Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately. Previous experience: Self-employed–a fiasco. Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business. My experience in horticulture is well-rooted. Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years. I am a rabid typist. Education: College, August 1880 – May 1984. I have a bachelorette degree in computers. Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math. Graduated in the top 66% of my class. Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school. Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer. Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes. I worked as a Corporate Lesion. Special Skills: Speak English. Served as assistant sore manager. Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job. Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel. Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts. Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce’s.” The attorney said, “well do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, ” No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?” The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.” The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?” The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.” The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?” The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.” The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?” The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.” Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. “WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?” And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, “Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, “No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.” So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, “Will you please make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa again says, “No, not now. I don’t really want to do that. I’m in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.” Then the third little boy comes out and says, “Grandpa, oh please… Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?” “Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa asked. The little boy replied with a hopeful face, “Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!”

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the very next port of call after the Titantics stop in New York. This shipment of mayonnaise would have been the largest ever delivered to Mexico but as we all know the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank. The cargo was lost forever. The people of Mexico who were crazy about mayonnaise and eagerly awaiting its delivery were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a Nation Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning ocurs each year on May 5th and is know of course as — Sinko de Mayo.

I got this e-mail today. It had a diferent title, but it may offend some, so I changed it. On a Sears hairdryer –” Do not use while sleeping.” (That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos — “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.” (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that would be???….) On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (but, it’s just a suggestion.) On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.” (well…duh, a bit late, huh!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.” (…and you thought????…) On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.” (but wouldn’t this save me time?) On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning:May cause drowsiness.” (…I’m taking this because???….) On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (as opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.” (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.) On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.” (talk about a news flash) On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: say what?) On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams. “Don’t worry about that,” says St. Peter, “it’s only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.” The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams Oh my God, “says the old lady, “now what is happening?” “Not to worry,” says St. Peter, “She’s just having her head drilled to fit the halo.” “I can’t do this,” says the old lady, “I’m going to hell.” “You can’t go there, “says St. Peter. “You’ll be raped and sodomized.” “Maybe so,” says the old lady, “but I’ve already got the holes for that !”

Hellmann’s Mayonnaise – a bit of history. Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as – Sinko De Mayo.

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the roomwent dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked,” May I please use the restroom?” The bartender replied, “I really don’t think you should.” “Why not? ” the nun asked. “Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. ” “Nonsense,” said the nun, “I’ll just look the other way.” So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?” “Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender. “Would you like a drink?” “But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up a home office in the den, and I’m thinking of buying a computer. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud. ABBOT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud. ABBOT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy? ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don’t know. What do I see when I look out the windows? ABBOT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows? COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got? ABBOT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOT: Recommended something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOT: Yes. COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office. ABBOT: Office for Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let’s say I’m sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOT: Word. COSTELLO: If I’m writing a proposal, I’m going to need lots of words. But what program do I load? ABBOT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOT: The Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in “office for windows?” ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W. COSTELLO: I’m going to click your big W if you don’t give me a straight answer. Let’s forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet? ABBOT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it? ABBOT: RealOne. COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie I’ll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four? ABBOT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great! With what? ABBOT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Okay, so I’m sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOT: You click the blue 1. COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOT: The blue 1. COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W? ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is Real One. The blue W is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there’s three words in “office for windows!” ABBOT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words. COSTELLO: And that word is the real one? ABBOT: No. Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part of Office. COSTELLO: Never mind; I don’t want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer? ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get? ABBOT: Just one copy. COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn’t that illegal? ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money. COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money? ABBOT: Why not? They own it. COSTELLO: Well, it’s great that I’m going to get free money, but I’ll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money? ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago. COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: You sell money? ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free. COSTELLO: That’s all very wonderful, but I’ll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting? ABBOT: Simply Accounting. COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated. ABBOT: If you don’t want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for? ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business. COSTELLO: I beg your pardon? ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know–accounting? You do it with money. ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more. COSTELLO: More money? ABBOT: More than Money. Money can’t do everything. COSTELLO: I don’t need a sermon! Okay, let’s forget about money for the moment. I’m worried that my computer might… what’s the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data? ABBOT: Go Back. COSTELLO: Okay. I’m worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend? ABBOT: Go Back. COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself? ABBOT: I’ve never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was Go Back. COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven’t even been anywhere? Okay, I’ll go back. What do I need to write a proposal? ABBOT: Word. COSTELLO: But I’ll need lots of words to write a proposal. ABBOT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there’s three words in … Oh, never mind. ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store: Can I help you?

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. You can’t have everything, where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

your breasts must think i’m good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running through my mind… naked. How much? They say nature is the greatest teacher. Wanna see what a doggy taught me? Do you know karate, cause your body is kickin. Do you have a map….I just keep getting lost in your eyes Hi…..I make more money than you can spend. The voices in my head is asking for your number, he’s kinda shy. Hey Sweetz what time do you get OFF? ???? Can I watch or do you need a hand??? I have Skittles in my mouth, wanna taste the rainbow? SHOW ME your melons and I let you play with my balls. Why don’t you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up? I’m trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or not I’m allergic to sex. Just got a snake bite on my weiner, care to suck out the poison? That’s a nice dress. Can I talk you out of it? Let’s do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you? Well? show me your’s and then i’ll show you mine. My lips are chapped could I rub my lips against yours to moisten them? Do u wash your pants with windex? because i can really see myself in them. I may not be fred flintstone, but i can sure make your bed rock. I wish u were a screen door, so i can slam u all day long. My weiner is cold, can he hide inside you? Can I have your picture?.. So I can show santa what I want for christmas! You spend so much time in my dreams I should charge rent! Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need another drink? Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? (Pull your pockets inside out….) Would you like to? If I bit my lip would you kiss it better?

These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘ Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.. Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married? A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.. Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’? A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A.. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as “Millennia Year Application Software System” (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, “I’m a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.” I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, “here, stick this in MYASS.”

If Recipes were like tax forms…. * Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one) pound. (See line 4.) * Line 2. Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey. Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste. * Line 3. Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater. * Line 4. Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3 tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution. For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion, see Form 551. * Line 5a. Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local government employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax credit. Measure 2 cups, sifting is optional. Line 5b. Flour, whole wheat, 1 2/3 cups. Line 5c. Alternative mixture: 1 cup white flour plus 3/4 cup whole wheat flour. * Line 6. Vanilla, 1 teaspoon. See Schedule ZE for reporting use of imitation vanilla flavoring. You may be able to deduct the cost of real vanilla extract in 1991 if you itemize deductions. * Line 7. Salt, 1/3 teaspoon (optional). If you are a head of household with dependents and were born during a leap year, you must add salt. * Line 8. Baking powder, 1 1/2 teaspoons. Use of baking soda will result in a penalty. See form W-Q. Line 8a. Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped. You may be eligible to use pecans or almonds. See Part III of Schedule PE, Itemized Substitutions. * Line 9. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds 5,500 feet). Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you begin assembling ingredients. In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream butter and sugar for 3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever occurs first. (Note: If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method [see Line 4], add additional butter and sugar at this point.) * Line 10. Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed mixture. If the eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole owner, you may be eligible for a Fowl Credit. See Form 9871m “For the Birds.” * Line 11. Add vanilla. * Line 12. In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat. If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding instruction and stir cocoa into the creamed mixture. Then stir in flour from Line 5a, 5b, or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7 for exception) and baking powder. * Line 13. Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type (See Line 8a). * Line 14. Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch round cake pans or 1 (one) greased and floured 9×13 inch pan, which you should have prepared earlier. Bake in preheated oven (see line 9) for 40 to 50 minutes, whichever is greater. After removing cake pan(s) from oven, cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9×13 pan) and turn cake(s) out onto wire rack. When cake is completely cool, frost it. (To determine time needed for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.) See Form 873 for details on appropriate frostings. Note: If you weigh 20 percent more (or higher) than your ideal weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this recipe and complete Schedule F, “Fresh Fruit Desserts.”

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look. “The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.”

* You dance and it makes the band skip. * You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. * You put mayonnaise on an aspirin. * You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. * Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.” * You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture. * You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth. * You could sell shade. * Your blood type is Ragu. * You need an appointment to attend an ‘open house’.

Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters. If you have them; they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Alabama quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. “We are recalling all the new Alabama quarters that were recently issued,” Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. “This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices.” The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. “The problem lies in the unique design of the Alabama quarter, which was created by an Auburn University graduate,” Shackleford said. “Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices.”

1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks. 2. No changing your oil in the street. 3. No loud and wild parties without inviting the manager. 4. You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes each only having no more than 6 cans each. 5. Drunkenness will not be tolerated in the streets prior to 10 am. 6. While outside of your trailer you must be at least partially clothed.* 7. If you prefer to clean your trailer in the nude, please close the curtains. * 8. When bringing in the Jerry Springer or COPS film crews, please provide the management prior written notice so that certain residents may be forewarned. 9. Empty beer bottles should not be discarded on the front lawn. However, they may remain there until you are sober enough to collect them with the understanding you will collect them within 7 days whether sober or not. 10. When bringing dates home to your trailer, please be advised that in the event the sidewalks need to be repaired or replaced due to the weight of your date, you will be responsible for all cost incurred. Note* (Exemptions to rules 6 & 7 may be provided to women between the ages of 18 and 35. Please submit a photograph to the manager for approval.) Following these simple rules should make your stay in our trailer park more enjoyable for everyone.

Two ships were at sea, a British one and a German one. Suddenly the British ship malfunctioned and they were going down So they radioed the Germans and said” mayday mayday. We’re sinking!!” Some time lapsed and the Germans replied, “what are you s-thinking about?”

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. “My son, you shouldn’t be doing that”, said the priest. “You should be saving that for when you get married.” The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said “Yes, Father.” About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in. “Yes, my son?” said the priest. “Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I’ll never forget the advice you gave then.” “And what was that, my son?” “Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married”, said the young man. “That sounds like something I probably would have said” said the priest. “Did you take my advice?” “Yes I did, Father; but there’s only one problem.” “What’s that, my son?” “Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?”

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles and he will stop snoring. ‘Yeah right!” she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, “I don’t know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place.

At Cambridge University during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued: Proctor: I beg your pardon? Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale. Proctor: Sorry, no. Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale. At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): “Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale.” Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn’t BELIEVE it when she asked if I’d like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. “Wow!” I said “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now! I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!” She giggled and said she was sure I’d meet the challenge! “Yeah,” I said, just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistband that’s a few inches wider these days!” She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute! “Anyway”, she said, “I’ve put on a couple of pounds myself!” So I hung up.

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand: See the list below… OKRA (Dec 22 – Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try. CHITLIN (Jan 21 – Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 – March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it. MOON PIE (March 21 – April 20) You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not. POSSUM (April 21 – May 21) When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don’t-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business. CRAWFISH (May 22 – June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads. COLLARDS (June 22 – July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache. CATFISH (July 24 – Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one’s whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies. GRITS (Aug 24 – Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart. BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 – Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you. BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 – Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies. ARMADILLO (Nov 23 – Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price? Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon. Customer: What’s the difference in the paint? Clerk: Oh, there isn’t any difference; it’s all the same paint. Customer: Well, then I’d like some of that $12 paint. Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint? Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It’s my day off. Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint. Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint? Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday. Customer: You’ve got to be *&%^#@* kidding! Clerk: I’ll check and see if we have any paint available. Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it! Clerk: But it doesn’t mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don’t have any more $12 paint. Customer: The price went up as we were talking? Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven’t actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want? Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I’ll have enough. Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can’t do that. If you buy paint and don’t use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have. Customer: WHAT? Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint. Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it! Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don’t, it causes us all sorts of problems. Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don’t keep painting until after Saturday night! Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint. Customer: But what are all these, “Paint on sale from $10 a liter” signs? Clerk: Well that’s for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans. Customer: To hell with this! I’ll buy what I need somewhere else! Clerk: I don’t think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won’t be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon. Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200! Clerk: That’s if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different. Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you’ll confiscate the remaining paint. Clerk: No, we’ll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you’re getting it now, sir. Customer: You’re insane! Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another service station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.” “I love cats…they taste just like chicken” “Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.” “Cover me. I’m changing lanes.” “As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools” “Happiness is a belt-fed weapon” “Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.” “Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.” “I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. …Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….” “Montana – At least our cows are sane!” “The gene pool could use a little chlorine.” “I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.” “Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!” “It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.” “When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.” “I took an IQ test and the results were negative.” “If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?” “Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!” “It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.” “Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!” “Forget about World Peace….. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!” “Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.” “Give me ambiguity or give me something else.” “We are bom naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.” “Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.” “He who laughs last thinks slowest”

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, ‘Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. God thought for a moment and said, ‘Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.’ So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the angel returned he went to God and said, ‘Yes, it’s true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.’ God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said? Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either.

Q: April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring? A: Pilgrims.

Description Missus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV it is a remote hijacker, targeted at unsuspecting male humanoids. There may be problems with pop-ups. Variants Girlfriend 1.0 was the first variant, targeted at mycash.com, later versions of Girlfriend exploit the same resources using more sophisticated methods. Live_in (any version) uses different profiles and is targeted at mywayoflife.com. Missus 2.7 is the current variant in which the cooking/cleaning/nookie features are much less effective but the resource consumption is two orders of magnitude greater Also known as SWMBO, ‘er indoors, the totty, the little woman. Distribution The Girlfriend variants have sometimes been bundled with got-drunk, went clubbing and chatted_up_sister’s_mate. The parasitic forms (Live-in and Missus) are invariably self-installing, exploiting any firewall deficiencies to immediately grab Administrator privileges and closing out any other Administrator access. What it does Missus is a blended threat and operates phased attack: 1. It progressively closes all access to any competing products. 2. It grabs access to all available resources 3. It uninstalls the “toys and gadgets” folder completely, and then reprogrammes the firewall to block any related addresses. 4. It installs “soft furnishings.dll” and “redecorate.vxd” (the virtual driver being recursed on a 12-month cycle). 5. It closes down un-wanted processes like pubnight, havefun, watchfootie etc. 6. Having achieved the above it spawns new sub-processes to consolidate its control. 7. It may install parasitic programmes and spyware like In-Laws 1.0 Privacy violation Only for the first few months – after that it prohibits any violation of its privacy. Security issues Yes, your security of title and tenure is severely threatened by the prospect of CPA.VXD. Stability problems Very unstable – prone to spontaneous breakdown without cause. Recovery only possible by allocating ever more resources and granting greater privileges. These steps are non-reversible. Removal Generally regarded as impossible, although some have succeeded through faking death or assuming a new identity. Links Only for the first few months – then discouraged or prohibited.

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, “Pardon me, ma’am, but may I sit here with you.” The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, “Why certainly,” and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down. For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything. Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, “Ma’am, may I ask you two questions?” With great anticipation Marcia replied, “Why certainly!” The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. “Marcia, I know we’ve only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?” Marcia grabbed at Jimmie’s hands and said, “Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!” She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, “You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?” Jimmie scratched his neck and said, “Will you help me get up?”

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

* You dance and it makes the band skip. * You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. * You put mayonnaise on an aspirin. * You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. * Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.” * You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture. * You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth. * You could sell shade. * Your blood type is Ragu. * You need an appointment to attend an ‘open house’.

If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise. – Unknown Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant. – Unknown Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies. – Gene Hill In dog years, I’m dead. – Unknown To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. – Aldous Huxley A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. – Robert Benchley Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives. – Sue Murphy I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves. – August Strindberg No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. – Fran Lebowitz Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth! – Anne Tyler I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. – Rita Rudner My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money. – Joe Weinstein If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. – James Thurber You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. – Nora Ephron Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. – Ann Landers Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. – Robert A. Heinlein In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. – Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories! – Dr. Tom Cat There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. – Ben Williams When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. – Edward Abbey Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. – Unknown Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail. – Unknown No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. – Christopher Morley A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. – Josh Billings Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be. – Holbrook Jackson The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. – Andrew A. Rooney He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion. – Unknown If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. – Mark Twain Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. – Smiley Blanton I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts. – John Steinbeck

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?” As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?” She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t think my pet python weally gives a thit.”

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: “May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don’t know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!” All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: “The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position.” She says, “I’m 5’4″ and I’m in the front seat.” “O.K.” says the voice from the tower. “Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . ..”

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?” A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, “I don’t know… Why don’t you play your age?” He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?” The operator replies, “I don’t know, buddy…. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!”

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The mother said, “Well, maybe that’s something you could ask the stewardess.” So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?” The boy admitted that this was the case. “Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you.”

A customer service award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being so clever while making her point when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers, when suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk front. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS!” The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir, I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks who were in the line ahead of you first. I’m sure we will be able to work something out.” The irate passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?” Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: “May I have your attention, please,” she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.” With the folks behind him laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore “F**K YOU!” Without flinching the agent smiled and said, “Sorry sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”

A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.” “What’s that mean?” asked the child. “Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.” The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.” Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.” The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?” The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”

January – Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February – Couldn’t work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn’t fit into the typewriter. March – Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said “2-4 years.” April – Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out. May – Couldn’t make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets. June – Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope. July – After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms. August – Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down. September – When asked what the capital of California was: answered “C.” October – Hates M &M;’s because they are so hard to peel. November – Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120. December – Couldn’t call 911 because there was no “11” on any of the phone buttons.

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. “Is yer pa home?” he asked. “No sir, he sure ain’t,” the boy replied. “He went to town.” “Well,” said the farmer. “Is yer ma home?” “No, she ain’t here either. She went to town with pa.” “Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?” “No sir, he went with pa and ma.” The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. “Is there anything I kin do fer ya’?” inquired the young boy politely. “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer pa.” Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It’s about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.” The boy considered for a moment. “You would have to talk to pa about that,” he finally conceded. “I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets for Joe.”

Finally, a way to know what to pitch and what to save! THE GAG TEST Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night). EGGS When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you’ve never purchased that kind. MAYONNAISE If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. FROZEN FOODS Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled – (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. EXPIRATION DATES This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calender in your kitchen. MEAT If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. BREAD Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. FLOUR Flour is spoiled when it wiggles. SALT It never spoils. CEREAL It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date. LETTUCE Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. CANNED GOODS Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully. CARROTS A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh. RAISINS Raisins should not be harder than your teeth. POTATOES Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. CHIP DIP If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad. EMPTY CONTAINERS Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid. UNMARKED ITEMS You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. “I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.” The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, ” What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?” The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: ” ‘Hare Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave.”

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven.” Davidson thinks about it and says, “I wanna hang out with God, Himself.” The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of Woman?” God says, “Ah, yes.” Well,” says Davidson, “you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. there’s too much front end protrusion 2. it chatters at high speeds 3. the rear end wobbles too much, and 4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust.” “Hmmm…” replies God, “hold on.” God goes to the Celestial Super computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. “It may be that my invention is flawed,” God replies to Arthur Davidson, but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours.”

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya”. “Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?” “That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda.” There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…” “Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.” “I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?” “It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.” “Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?” “Well, Brenda… no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. ‘Oh please excuse me,’ said the bunny. ‘I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.’ ‘That’s perfectly all right,’ replied the snake. ‘To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?’ ‘Well, I really don’t know,’ said the bunny. ‘I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.’ So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, ‘Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitch little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit.’ The bunny said, ‘I can’t thank you enough. But, by the way, what kind of animal are you?’ The snake replied that he didn’t know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished the snake asked, ‘Well, what kind of animal am I?’ The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, ‘You’re cold, you’re slippery, and you haven’t any balls…………You must be a politician!’

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?” Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?” “Yes” whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.” Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?” “Yes” came the answer. “May I talk with her?” Again, the small voice whispered, “No” Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child. “Yes” whispered the child, “a policeman.” Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?” “No he’s busy” said the little voice. “Busy doing what?” asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman.” came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard the sound of a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?” “A hello-copper” answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?!” asked the boss, now getting alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.” Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?!” Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “Me!”

January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels……Helllloooo!!!…..bottles won’t fit in printer! March – Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…..box said “2-4 years!” April – Trapped on escalator for hours ? power went out!!! May – Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!! June – Tried to go water skiing…..couldn’t find a lake with a slope. July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August – Got locked out of my car in rain storm….car swamped because soft-top was open. September – The capital of California is “C”….isn’t it? October – Hate M & M’s…..they are so hard to peel. November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound – I weigh 108!! December – Couldn’t call 911…. “duh”….there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. “Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.” “But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. ” “You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino.” “Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What do you do than? Point to your watch and say TIMES UP?”

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look. “The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.”

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, ” I am a Father.” The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.” The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many.” The boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.” The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,”Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.”

If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise. – Unknown Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant. – Unknown Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies. – Gene Hill In dog years, I’m dead. – Unknown To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. – Aldous Huxley A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. – Robert Benchley Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives. – Sue Murphy I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves. – August Strindberg No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. – Fran Lebowitz Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth! – Anne Tyler I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. – Rita Rudner My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money. – Joe Weinstein If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. – James Thurber You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. – Nora Ephron Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. – Ann Landers Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. – Robert A. Heinlein In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. – Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories! – Dr. Tom Cat There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. – Ben Williams When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. – Edward Abbey Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. – Unknown Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail. – Unknown No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. – Christopher Morley A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. – Josh Billings Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be. – Holbrook Jackson The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. – Andrew A. Rooney He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion. – Unknown If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. – Mark Twain Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. – Smiley Blanton I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts. – John Steinbeck

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras. He said, “Ah’l go down raht now.” So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop. The saleslady said, “May I help you sir?” When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras. She asked, “Would you like two Playtex?” He answered, “Ah’d luv ta little lady, but mah wife’s a’waitin fer me up in the room.”

“Aim towards the Enemy.” – Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher “When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” – U.S. Army “Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” – U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop “If the enemy is in range, so are you.” – Infantry Journal “A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” – Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance “It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” – U.S. Air Force Manual “Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” – Infantry Journal “Tracers work both ways.” – U.S. Army Ordnance “Five-second fuses only last three seconds.” – Infantry Journal “Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.” – Col. David Hackworth “If your attack is going too well, you’re probably walking into an ambush.” – Infantry Journal “No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.” – Joe Gay “Any ship can be a minesweeper … once.” – Anonymous “Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” – Unknown Army Recruit “Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.” – Your Buddies (And lastly) “If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.” – U.S. Ammo Troop

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand: See the list below… OKRA (Dec 22 – Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try. CHITLIN (Jan 21 – Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 – March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it. MOON PIE (March 21 – April 20) You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not. POSSUM (April 21 – May 21) When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don’t-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business. CRAWFISH (May 22 – June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads. COLLARDS (June 22 – July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache. CATFISH (July 24 – Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one’s whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies. GRITS (Aug 24 – Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart. BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 – Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you. BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 – Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies. ARMADILLO (Nov 23 – Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

The residents of Mayberry took a course in computer programming. When the instructor said, “Compile,” Gomer went to the head of the class.

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2″ in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous – yes. The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar – effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. “Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, and your children – Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.” “If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. “Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.” One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”

Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, there was a good logical reason for removing the Ten Commandments monument from the Alabama Supreme Court building. You cannot post things like “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery”, and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet. f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again. m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. o.. Eat well, stay fit–die anyway. p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it. u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator. y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom. z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Funny helpdesk chat transcripts: Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one… ——————————————————————– Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out. Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck. Helpdesk: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note ….” Customer: No … wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry …….. ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? ———————————————————— Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello… I can’t print. Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and .. Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates! ——————————————————————– Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it… ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: What’s on your monitor now ma’am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: And now hit F8. Customer: It’s not working. Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly? Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing’s happening… ——————————————————————– Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Helpdesk: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer. Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work! ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? ——————————————————————- A customer couldn’t get on the internet. Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it. Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Helpdesk: That’s not an antivirus program. Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer. ——————————————————————– Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears! ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you? Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me? Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don’t understand your problem? Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me? ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: How may I help you? Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail. Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it.

God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behaviour that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.” God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.” So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true-the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good.” God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said? No? I didn’t get one either.

The residents of Mayberry took a course in computer programming. Whenthe instructor said, “Compile,” Gomer went to the head of the class.

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers… Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High”. Don’t let worry kill you — let the church help. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. Thursday night–Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet” in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11th. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.” Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.” Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers’. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.” For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?” “Of course. What may I do for you?” “Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father.” Next!

A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast. “Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?” she asks. He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?” she inquires. He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.” Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken, or tasty stir fry?” He declines again. “Nah, still not hungry.” “Well,” she said, “would you mind letting me up? I’m starving.”

Entries in a Dog’s Diary: 7 am – Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9 am – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite! Noon – Oh boy! The yard! My favorite! 2 pm – Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite! 3 pm – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite! 4 pm – Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite! 6 pm – Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite! 7 pm – Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite! 8 pm – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9 pm – Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite! 11 pm -Oh boy! Sleeping in my people’s bed! My favorite! Entries in a Cat’s Diary: Day 183 of my captivity … My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by winding around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. She speaks with them regularly. I am certain she reports my every move. Due to her current placement in the metal container, her safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came out, he went into the street and met an old colleague, who asked him where in heaven’s name he had been all those years. “In a closet,” he repied. “I wanted to know what life really is.” “And have you found an answer?” “Yes,” he replied. “I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is like a bridge.” “That’s all well and good,” replied the colleage, “but can you be a little more explicit? Can you tell me how life is like a bridge?” “Oh,” replied the philosopher after some thought, “maybe you’re right; perhaps life is not like a bridge.”

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: “Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady,how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? Michael?” Michael: “Just a minute, I have to go pee.” Teacher: “That would be rude and impolite!!! Teacher: “What about you Peter, how would you say it?” Peter: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” Teacher: “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?” Johnny: “I would say: ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope you’ll get to meet after supper. ” The teacher fainted!!

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. “May we see the new baby?” one of them asked. “Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first.” Another half hour passed before another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?” “No, not yet,” said the mother. A while later and again the guests asked, “May we see the baby now?” “No, not yet,” replied the mother. Growing impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?” “When it cries!” she told them. “When it cries?” they gasped. “Why do we have to wait until it cries?” “Because, I forgot where I put it.”

An old Italian Mafia ‘Don’ is dying and he calls his grandson into his bedroom. ‘Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.’ ‘But grandpa, I really don’t lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?’ ‘Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business…..you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple a bambinos.’ ‘Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then ……. pointa to your watch and say ‘Times up?’

Basic Rules for Dogs Who Have a Yard To Protect NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that’s placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose. VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark— a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark… LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel. HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll think it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep. THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them. DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing. HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible. GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed. PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don’t injure yourself. CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never — quite — catch them. It spoils all the fun. CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. Eat a shoe.

Barry returned from a doctor’s visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, “Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?” Carolyn agreed and again they made love. Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn’s shoulder and said, “Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.” She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. “Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we…?” His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, “Listen Barry, I’m not being funny ..but I have to get up in the morning and you don’t!.”

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!” A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it’s like a completely different place–the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. “Amazing!” the preacher says. “Look what God and you have accomplished together!” “Yes, reverend,” says the farmer, “but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!”

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car’s hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another. male: Playing football without a helmet. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. BUTT (but) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.” male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything that can be done while drinking. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?” Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.” “What’s that mean?” asked the child. “Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.” The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.” Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.” The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, “Where ‘s Belle?” The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,so another dog is pushing her home.”

Dear employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HE.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . ALTERNATIVELY, C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.). We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T . our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.IT . you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us! The Management

Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls. The first guy says, “Man, I wish I could do that. The second guy says, “Pet him, maybe he’ll let you.”

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee’s name here_____], I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: [Check all those that apply] ___ Your breasts are bigger than mine. ___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it. ___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing. ___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms bythetruckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality. ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one. ___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants. ___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate. ___ You failed the credit check. ___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing. ___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable. ___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation. ___ You still live with your parents. ___ You mention your ex-girlfriend’s name more than you mention mine. ___ Three words: Size does matter. Sincerely, [Your name here]

Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.” he first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St.Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,”And just what do those Symbolize?” The man replied, “They’re Carols”.

Some New Definitions lymph (v), to walk with a lisp. marionettes (n), residents of Washington DC who have been jerked around by the mayor. negligent (adj), describes a condition where you absent mindedly answer the door in your nightie. oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. gargoyle (n), an olive-flavored mouthwash. semantics (n), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest’s prayer book together just before mass.

A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line says, “I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year.” The angel says, “Okay, you may enter.” He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, “I earned $150,000 as an attorney.” The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too. He turns to the third one in line and asks, “What have you done with your life?” The man replies, “I earned $8,000 last year . . .” “Oh,” the angel interrupts. “What did you teach?”

Maybe this is why they don’t teach music in high school any more. Following are actual answers from students on music tests… – The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna. – Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines. – Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony. – All female parts were sung by castrati. We don’t know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants. – Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven’s Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin’s Rap City in Blue. – Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco. – A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. – Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. – Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys. – I know what a sextet is but I’d rather not say. – Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. – Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?” “Of course. What may I do for you?” “Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father.” Next!

A man was being interviewed for a job. “Were you in the service?” asked the interviewer. “Yes, I was a marine”, responded the applicant. “Did you see any active duty?” “I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.” “May I ask what happened?” “Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs, I lost both testicles.” “You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10:00 AM.” “When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.” “Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”

There are many stories related to the sinking of the “Titanic.” Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don’t know that back in 1912 Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as… Sinko de Mayo.

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot. * Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * All men are idiots, and I married their King. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * Montana — At least our cows are sane! * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. * Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs. * Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. * I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t. * Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? * Keep honking…I’m reloading * 2 Kings 9:20 *Dain bramaged. *Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway *Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel *Boldly going nowhere *CAUTION – Driver legally blonde! *Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends *He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged *How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost? *All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father” The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that”. The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many”. The boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two Grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way”. The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar”.

This an interactive joke, so have a piece of paper and pen handy. A blonde woman walks into an auto parts store and the parts man asks how she is doing and what can he do for her. She replies, “Fine, I need a seven-ten cap for my car.” The man asks,” A seven-ten cap? Where does it go, I’ve never heard of such a thing?” The blonde angrily replies, “It goes on top of the engine and don’t think just because I’m blonde I don’t know what I’m talking about!!” Perplexed, the parts man asks if she would draw him a picture and maybe help him out in figuring out what it is she needs. Reader: Draw the number 710 in the middle of the paper and draw a circle around the whole number. Now turn the paper upside down.

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot. * Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * All men are idiots, and I married their King. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * Montana — At least our cows are sane! * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. * Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs. * Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. * I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t. * Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? * Keep honking…I’m reloading * 2 Kings 9:20 *Dain bramaged. *Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway *Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel *Boldly going nowhere *CAUTION – Driver legally blonde! *Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends *He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged *How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost? *All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

Why Men Are Just Happier People! What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Their last name stays put. The garage is all theirs. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. They can be President. They can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell them the truth. The world is their urinal. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress – $5000; tux rental – $100. People never stare at their chest when they’re talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood, all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. They know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. They can open all their own jars. They get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Their underwear is $6.95 for a six pack. Everything on their face stays its original color. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. They don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. They almost never have strap problems in public. They are unable to see wrinkles in their clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. They don’t have to shave below their neck. Their belly usually hides their big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. They can “do” their nails with a pocketknife. They have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. They can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was stopped by a policeman. “Have you been drinking tonight, sir?” the policeman asked. “Well, I may have had a pint or two.” The man replied, smiling. “Why do you ask?” “Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back.” “Oh, thank goodness,” the man exclaimed. “I thought I’d gone deaf!”