Medicine Jokes

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t. 2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them. 4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6.. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me 7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9.. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing. 10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16.. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it! 17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 18 . Procrastinate Now! 19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 22..Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 26..Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 27.. The trouble with life is there’s no background music. 28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 29.. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few!

I got this e-mail today. It had a diferent title, but it may offend some, so I changed it. On a Sears hairdryer –” Do not use while sleeping.” (That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos — “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.” (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that would be???….) On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (but, it’s just a suggestion.) On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.” (well…duh, a bit late, huh!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.” (…and you thought????…) On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.” (but wouldn’t this save me time?) On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning:May cause drowsiness.” (…I’m taking this because???….) On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (as opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.” (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.) On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.” (talk about a news flash) On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: say what?) On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: Are you the owner? The pharmacist answers, Yes. Jacob: Were about to get married. Do you sell heart medication? Pharmacist: Of course we do. Jacob: How about medicine for circulation? Pharmacist: All kinds. Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis? Pharmacist: Definitely. Jacob: How about Viagra? Pharmacist: Of course. Jacob: Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice? Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety. The works. Jacob: What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinsons disease? Pharmacist: Absolutely. Jacob: You sell wheelchairs and walkers? Pharmacist: All speeds and sizes. Jacob: We would like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.

A man was in a terrible accident, and his ‘manhood’ was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for ‘small, $6,500 for ‘medium, and $14,000 for ‘large.’ The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. ‘Well, what have the two of you decided?’ asked the doctor. ‘She’d rather remodel the kitchen.’

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN .. Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE.” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges,who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories — those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day’s drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country. Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? A. No. Only those you need. Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions? A Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment. Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment. Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomachache. What should I do? A. Poke yourself in the eye. Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick? A. You really shouldn’t do that. Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office? A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $15 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving him a shot at it.

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on ‘Observation’. He took out a jar of yellow-coloured liquid. “This”, he explained, “is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to colour, smell, sight, and taste.” After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. “If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth.”

My Mother taught me LOGIC…”If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” My Mother taught me MEDICINE…”If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.” My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…”If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!” My Mother taught me ESP…”Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?” My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…”What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!” My Mother taught me HUMOR…”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…”If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS…”You are just like your father!” My mother taught me about my ROOTS…”Do you think you were born in a barn?” My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…”When you get to be my age, you will understand.” My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…”Just wait until your father gets home.” My mother taught me about RECEIVING…”You are going to get it when we get home.” And, my all-time favorite – JUSTICE…”One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU — then you’ll see what it’s like!”

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, “Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however.” “Oh, what is that, Doctor?” “Well, you have no nipples.” “None of the people in my tribe have nipples,” She replied. “That is amazing,” said the doctor.”I’d like to write this up for The Montana Journal of Medicine if you don’t mind. She said, “OK.” “First of all” asked the doctor, “how many people are in your tribe?” She answered, “Approximately 500.” “And what is the name of your tribe?” Asked the doctor. Running Doe replied, “We’re called “The Indiannippleless Five Hundred”

My Mother taught me LOGIC…”If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” My Mother taught me MEDICINE…”If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.” My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…”If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!” My Mother taught me ESP…”Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?” My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…”What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!” My Mother taught me HUMOR…”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…”If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS…”You are just like your father!” My mother taught me about my ROOTS…”Do you think you were born in a barn?” My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…”When you get to be my age, you will understand.” My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…”Just wait until your father gets home.” My mother taught me about RECEIVING…”You are going to get it when we get home.” And, my all-time favorite – JUSTICE…”One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU — then you’ll see what it’s like!”

Ze Woman, She Is Dead! An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, “Ah, young love… ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers… C’est magnifique!”, and continued to watch, remembering the good old day’s that he’d once enjoyed. Suddenly he gasped and said, “Mais… Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!” before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted, “Jean…Jean…zere is zis man, zis woman … naked in farmer Gaston’s field making love.” The police chief smiled and said, “Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L’amour! Zis is OK.” “Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!” Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri’s story, and pedaled all the way back to call the doctor. He picked up the telephone and screamed, “Pierre, Pierre! This is Jean, I was in Gaston’s field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!” To which Pierre replied, “Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember…it’s spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L’amour! Zis is very natural.” Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, “NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!” Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, “Mon dieu!” grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, “Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!”

A highly dangerous virus called “Weekly Overload Recreational Killer” (WORK) is currently going around. If you come in contact with this WORK VIRUS, you should immediately go to the nearest “Biological Anxiety Relief” (BAR) centre to take antidotes known as “Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract” (WINE), “Radioactive UnWORK Medicine”(RUM), “Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter”(BEER) or “Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen”(VODKA.)

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy — Either way, you get your dog back!”

A man was in a terrible accident, and his ‘manhood’ was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for ‘small, $6,500 for ‘medium, and $14,000 for ‘large.’ The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. ‘Well, what have the two of you decided?’ asked the doctor. ‘She’d rather remodel the kitchen.’

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.” Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, “Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?” The Doctor says, “You’re not drinking enough water.”

Rabbi Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the procedure, since it was considered cosmetic surgery. The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for “small,” $6500 for “medium,” and $14,000 for “large.” Rabbi Bernstein was sure that his wife and he would want at the least, a medium ..and perhaps even a large. But the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The rabbi called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the rabbi slouched over in the chair looking quite dejected. “Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor. Rabbi Bernstein answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen.”

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?” Yes, they help me sleep at night. ” “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep! She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes, dear,I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . . and believe me, it helps me sleep at night. ” You gotta love Grandmas!

Q: What did the head trauma patients do when the price of medicine went up? A: They went on stroke.

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Palmolive soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that would be how???….) On some frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (but, it’s “just” a suggestion). On Nanna’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down.” (well…duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.”(…and you thought????…) On packaging for a K-Mart iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (but wouldn’t this save me more time?) On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine:”Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (and…I’m taking this because???….) On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.”(as opposed to…what?) On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.”(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.) On Nobby’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.” (talk about a news flash!) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet,eat nuts.” (Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?) I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (…was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Things Only A Mom Can Teach My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…. “Just wait until your father gets home!” My Mother taught me about RECEIVING…. “You are going to get it when we get home!” My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE… “What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you … Don’t talk back to me!” My Mother taught me LOGIC … “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” My Mother taught me MEDICINE…. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, you’re going to freeze that way.” My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD … “If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.” My Mother taught me about ESP… “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold.” My Mother taught me HUMOR … “When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT… “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never growup.” My Mother taught me about SEX… “How do you think you got here?” My Mother taught me about GENETICS…. “You’re just like your father!” My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…. “Do you think you were born in a barn?” My Mother taught me about the WISDOM OF AGE… “When you get to be my age, you will understand.” And my all time favorite … JUSTICE…. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you….then you’ll see what it’s like.”

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a Doctor…Then I realised I could just like Facebook photos to save lives!

I found an old Viagra in my medicine cabinet. When I took it, it didn’t work…Must have been passed it’s swell by date!

Yesterday I gave my wife a taste of her own medicine…I took her into 10 different pubs, only to go back to buy a drink from the first pub we went in!

If alcohol kills germs and laughter is the best medicine, I’m the healthiest mofo on this planet.

If alcohol kills germs and laughter is the best medicine, I’m the healthiest person on the planet.

I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.

F*ck nudes. Send me a picture of your medicine cabinet. I need to know what kind of psycho I’m dealing with.

When pharmacist gets sick……. Does the doctor give him a taste of his own medicine?

Pharmacists should stuff every third prescription bottle with one of those snakes that pops out at you… cuz laughter is the best medicine.

In Greek mythology, Chiron is a half-man half-horse who had great knowledge of medicine and health.So he’s a centaur for disease control.