Menu Jokes

Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water… One day, just as they were finally about to give up, they crawled into a clearing and there right in front of them stood a Cannibal’s Restaurant. Out front near the entrance was a large menu board. With the little energy they had left, they dragged themselves across the clearing and looked up to see the following menu: “Par boiled Priest $12.00 Roast Lion Hunter $14.00 Steamed Politician $198.50” They struggled into the establishment, dragged themselves to a table, and a waiter came to take their order. Before they ordered, one of the explorers asked the waiter, “Can you help me understand your menu? The first two items are priced about the same, but the third item, the politician, is priced so much higher. Why is that?” “Are you kidding?” replied the waiter. “Did you ever try to CLEAN one of those suckers?”

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. “Certainly, Sir , that’ll be one cent.” One Cent?” the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?” “A nickel,” the barman replied. “A nickel?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?” The bartender replied: “Upstairs, with my wife.” The man asked: “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” The bartender replied: “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu… Broiled Missionary: $10.00 Fried Explorer: $15.00 Baked Politician: $100.00. The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a price difference for the politician?” The cook replied “Have you ever tried to clean one of them?”

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu… + Tourist: $5 + Broiled Missionary: $10.00 + Fried Explorer: $15.00 + Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $250.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, ‘Why such a price difference for the Politician?” The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of sh*t, it takes all morning.”

What’s For Lunch? A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, “What would you like, sir?” He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.” The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?” Again the man thoroughly looks her over and, again, answers, “A quickie, please.” This time her anger takes over. She reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, Pal, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT’S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn’t work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don’t want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after ’98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Top Ten Signs You Are In For A Long Sermon 10. There’s a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler. 9. The pews have camper hookups. 8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today’s sermon. 7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit. 6. The preacher breaks for an intermission. 5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus. 4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet. 3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys. 2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass. And The Number One Sign You Are In For A Long Sermon 1. The minister says, “You’ll be out in time to watch the super bowl” but it’s only September!

Blind Date A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, “What do you suggest I wash it down with?” “Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River.”

Took a girl out the other night & she ordered the most expensive food on the menu. I thought you greedy, money-grabbing bitch.I said, “Does your mother feed you like that at home?”She said “No, but my mum isn’t expecting a blow job later.”I said, “Enjoy your meal sweetie!”

A bloke goes into a cafe near the Arctic Circle and asks the waiter what’s on the menu.The waiter says, “We have whale meat, whale meat and whale meat. And today’s special is the Vera Lynn.”“What’s that?” asks the bloke.“Whale meat again,” says the waiter.

Two cannibals entered a restaurant close to closing time and all that was left on the menu was a man from Prague. They split the Czech.

I’m having a problem in Call Of Duty. I go to the menu and……. alright I guess by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites

Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and… alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?

The Karma cafe has no menus. You get served what you deserve.

Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.

Perhaps Bieber wouldn’t need to vandalize walls with graffiti if the restaurants that he goes to would offer him a coloring menu with crayons.

Today’s menu: 1 gallon of attitude, 3 cups of sarcasm, 2 tbsp of leave me the hell alone, and a generous cup of shut the f*ck up!

My Wife’s MENU had only two items: 1: Eat it or 2: Leave it.

Went for a Chinese last night and at the bottom of the menu I found the crispy duck…It was way down the Peking order!

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Did you hear about this new restaurant called Karma?There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.

Did you hear about this new restaurant called Karma?There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.

Did you hear about the restaurant called Karma?There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.

Man: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu pleaseWaitress: *slaps his face*The men I please are none of your damn business!

Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?Waitress: slaps me across the face.The men I please are none of your business!

Did you hear about the new restaurant in town called Karma?There is no menu. You get what you deserve.