Money Jokes

An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you as soon as possible. Please share this with others immediately!! Monica Lewinsky virus……..Sucks all the memory out of your computer. Lorena Bobbit virus……….Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy. Ellen Degeneres virus……..Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC. Titanic virus…………….Makes your whole computer go down. Disney virus……………..Everything in the computer goes Goofy. Mike Tyson virus………….Quits after one byte. Prozac virus…….Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care. Woody Allen virus………By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card. Joey Buttafuoco virus……..Only attacks minor files. Spice Girl virus………….Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop. Ronald Reagan virus……….Saves your data, but forgets Dr. Kevorkian virus…..Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them. Oprah Winfrey virus……..Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus……..Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back. Then there is the Clinton PC. It has a six inch hard drive and no memory. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS- Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. PAUL REVERE VIRUS- This revolutionary virus doesn’t horse around. It warns you of impending disk attack, once if by LAN, twice if by C. AT&T; VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting. MCI VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T; virus. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS- Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. AIRLINE VIRUS- You’re in Chicago but your data is in Singapore. STAR TREK VIRUS- Invades your system and boldly goes where no virus has gone before. TED TURNER VIRUS- Colorizes your monochrome monitor. PBS VIRUS-Your PC stops what it is doing every few minutes to ask for money.

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved “I love you, Sally”. On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don’t know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says: “We’ve got to give it back”. She says, “Finders keepers” & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home. One knocks on the door & says: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?” She says: “No”.. The husband says: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” She says: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.” But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him. One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” The old man says: “Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday …” At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: “We’re outta here …”

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. “Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!” she exclaimed. “No,” said the genie, “You have been very bad recently, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.” “Let’s see,” says Monica, “I don’t need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don’t need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I’ll have all the money I could ever want. But, I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that’s it, for my one wish I would like my love handles removed.” “Poof!” And just like that… her ears were gone.

Meaning of… ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’ A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?” The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.” So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The mother replied, “Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!” The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The girl replied, “Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?” The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” “Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?” The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?” The boy replied, “Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers and a future congressman.”

A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. As she suspected it would be, the million- dollar question was no pushover. It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?” The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.” The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logicalthing to do. On the other hand — the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. “I need an answer,” said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.” “Is that your final answer?” asked Regis. “Yes, that is my final answer.” Two seconds later, Regis said, “I regret to inform you that the answer is-…… absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!” Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. “Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you,” said the contestant. “Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way……how did you happen to know the right answer?” “Oh, come on!” said the blonde. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks.”

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.” “It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer. “Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?” “Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.” Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!” “I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.” “But, I did send them.” “What? You did?” said the lawyer, incredulously. “Yes. That’s how we won the case.” “I don’t understand,” said the lawyer. “It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea … Visit people only once a year. ~Victor Borge What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. ~Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. ~Jilly Cooper I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~ Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~Alex Levine Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. ~Henny Youngman Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up’. ~Joe Namath Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. ~Bob Hope A woman drove me to drink … and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her. ~W.C. Fields It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. ~George Burns The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good … spit it out. ~Unknown By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. “Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.” The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning..”

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! The CEO walks up the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?” Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $200.00 a week. Why?” The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, “Here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!” Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?” With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “He’s the pizza delivery guy.”

The new guy in town decided to take a few minutes and head down to the local pub to try to meet some people. He stumbled in at about 7 PM and sat down at the bar to order his first drink. One of the regulars sitting at the pool table got up and came over to start up a conversation. He says, “hey, I bet you 5 dollars I can lick my eye”. The new guy was a little put-off by this introduction, but it was early in the evening so he took the bet. Sure enough, the regular had a glass eye, popped it out, licked it, and put in place. A funny enough parlor joke, he handed the man 5 dollars and went back to drinking. A few minutes later he returned, this time saying “I bet you 5 dollars I can touch my elbow to the back of my head.” Desparate for any attention, the new guy handed over another 5 dollars and watched as the regular popped his shoulder out of joint and touched the back of his head. Deciding he had already duped the new guy out of $10, the regular headed back over the pool table for the next few hours. As the bartender began to close up shop, he returned for one last wager. “hey, I bet you $100 I can piss on the celing”. The new guy looked up at the vaulted ceiling which was eaily 30 feet above and was convince he would soon win his money back and a nights worth of drinking. The regular pulled it out but didnt even come close, pissing on the bar and the local guy. “Ha! I won all my money back! That was a stupid bet!” The regular retorted, “yeah, but I bet the guys over there $500 I could piss on you and make you laugh!”

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.” Chuck replied, “Well, then,just give me my money back.” The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.” Chuck said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.” The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him? Chuck said, “I’m going to raffle him off.” The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!” Chuck said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.” A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, “What happened with that dead donkey?” Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.” The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?” Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.” Chuck grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron…..

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, “$5.00 – If I can’t tell you where you’re from, I’ll pay you $50.00” The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, “Is the sign right?” The Indian says, “yes.” The cowboy hands him a five and says, “”you’re on” The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, “you’re from Wyoming.” The cowboy shakes his head and says, “I’ll be darned! You’re right” and strolls away. A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, “you’re from Montana” The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away. The young man decides he’s going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the mensroom, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, “do your stuff” The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he’s gone one up on the Indian. The Indian says, “You’re from Arkansas” The young man gets really upset and can’t for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, “How in the world did you know I’m from Arkansas?” The Indian replies, “by the wool on your zipper.”

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, “Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?” Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, “Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here’s the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.” “Fine job, Peter!” The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. “You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.” Turning to Paul, “And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?” Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,” I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here’s $280 I collected.” The minister responded, ” That’s absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you.” Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, “And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?” Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. “What is this?” the minister exclaimed. “Louie, there’s $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week? Louie just nodded. That’s impossible!” both Peter and Paul said in unison. “We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.” “Yes, this does seem unlikely,” the minister agreed. “I think you’d better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.” Louie shrugged. “I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don’t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh -sh-sh-sure,” he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. “For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!” “A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,” Louis replied, “W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks —o-o-o-or— wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?”

The pastor of donkey church realised that he was going to starve as collection dwindled every Sunday. Then he made a plan. After a hectic advertising campaign the church was packed the following Sunday. The Pastor, in full cry yelled ” Jesus said “I’ll come as a dove” Church members: “Amen” Pastor: “I say Jesus said “I’ll come like a dove” Members: ” Amen” And suddenly out of the ceiling came a white dove. The Members, having witnessed a miracle started donating bucks like no man’s business. The pastor was excited and in an attempt to increase his profits kept repeating his formula. For the 4th time he yelled. For the 4th time money kept flowing. Then he went for the fifth. ” I have prophesied, Jesus shall surely come like a doooooooove from the skies.”Suddenly a head appeared out of the ceiling and complained ” But daddy all the doves are finished “

So, there’s this lawyer who dies and goes to Hell. The lawyer sits in the waiting room for hours, then Satan finally gets to him. “Welcome to Hell,” Satan says. “Have you decided what your Hell is going to be yet?” The lawyer, confused, says, “Well, no. What do you mean?” Satan replies, “Well, we have different types of hell based on your life experiences. You were a lawyer, right? Well, you need to choose between Door A and Door B. Go ahead and think about it. I’ll be back in awhile to hear your decision.” Well, the lawyer gets up and opens Door A. Inside is a courtroom where the judge is yelling, slamming his gavel, and ruling against every case the poor lawyers inside present. The clients are wailing, the lawyers are crying; it’s just terrible! “Hmm,” the lawyer thinks, “That certainly doesn’t look too good. I wonder what Door B has?” Inside Door B the lawyer sees client after client passing lawyers by for other, unknown counsel. No matter how hard they try, no matter how many ambulances they chase, they can’t secure a client. It doesn’t take long for the lawyers to turn on each other, maiming and wounding one another in an effort to be the most attractive to the clients. “Well, I certainly don’t want to spend my eternity in this room of desperation and greed,” the lawyer thinks. So what to do? Off to the side of the two doors, the lawyer sees another unmarked door. Curious, he sneaks a peek inside that room. Inside is a beautiful office filled with spectacular furnishings, state of the art equipment, piles of money, and the most gorgeous legal assistants you can imagine. The lawyers inside sit back and count their money while these wonderful assistants do all the work for them, and in no time at all!! If a lawyer complains of a headache, one of the beautiful assistants massages his temple. If a lawyer wants something to eat or drink, the legal assistant fetches it immediately. If a lawyer complains of sore feet, the legal assistant rubs his feet. “Now THAT’S more like it!!” the lawyer says to himself. When Satan returns awhile later, he asks the lawyer which door, A or B he wants to spend eternity in. The lawyer says, “Well, neither, Satan, but I did see this other door over here that looks pretty good. THAT’S where I want to spend eternity.” Satan says, “No, that’s not an option.” The lawyer questions, “Why not? I was a lawyer, after all, and that room was filled with lawyer type stuff.” Satan chuckles. “No, you don’t understand. You have to pick the hell for lawyers…that door is hell for legal assistants.”

I came home the other day to find my girlfriend dipping twenty dollar billsin batter and frying them. I said, “There you go again, frittering ourmoney away!”

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up a home office in the den, and I’m thinking of buying a computer. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud. ABBOT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud. ABBOT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy? ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don’t know. What do I see when I look out the windows? ABBOT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows? COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got? ABBOT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOT: Recommended something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOT: Yes. COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office. ABBOT: Office for Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let’s say I’m sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOT: Word. COSTELLO: If I’m writing a proposal, I’m going to need lots of words. But what program do I load? ABBOT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOT: The Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in “office for windows?” ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W. COSTELLO: I’m going to click your big W if you don’t give me a straight answer. Let’s forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet? ABBOT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it? ABBOT: RealOne. COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie I’ll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four? ABBOT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great! With what? ABBOT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Okay, so I’m sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOT: You click the blue 1. COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOT: The blue 1. COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W? ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is Real One. The blue W is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there’s three words in “office for windows!” ABBOT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words. COSTELLO: And that word is the real one? ABBOT: No. Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part of Office. COSTELLO: Never mind; I don’t want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer? ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get? ABBOT: Just one copy. COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn’t that illegal? ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money. COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money? ABBOT: Why not? They own it. COSTELLO: Well, it’s great that I’m going to get free money, but I’ll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money? ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago. COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: You sell money? ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free. COSTELLO: That’s all very wonderful, but I’ll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting? ABBOT: Simply Accounting. COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated. ABBOT: If you don’t want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for? ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business. COSTELLO: I beg your pardon? ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know–accounting? You do it with money. ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more. COSTELLO: More money? ABBOT: More than Money. Money can’t do everything. COSTELLO: I don’t need a sermon! Okay, let’s forget about money for the moment. I’m worried that my computer might… what’s the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data? ABBOT: Go Back. COSTELLO: Okay. I’m worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend? ABBOT: Go Back. COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself? ABBOT: I’ve never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was Go Back. COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven’t even been anywhere? Okay, I’ll go back. What do I need to write a proposal? ABBOT: Word. COSTELLO: But I’ll need lots of words to write a proposal. ABBOT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there’s three words in … Oh, never mind. ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store: Can I help you?

At first, I didn’t think this qualified as a joke, then I checked my bank balance! For the record, I am in no way responsible for the accuracy of these figures, I just paste ’em as I finds ’em!! Michael Jordan having “retired,” with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not. If he s 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you ‘d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600. This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn’t it? However… If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. “Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated. “Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.” The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?” The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.” The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?” “He is a veterinarian,” she answered. “That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice?” The old lady said proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”

your breasts must think i’m good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running through my mind… naked. How much? They say nature is the greatest teacher. Wanna see what a doggy taught me? Do you know karate, cause your body is kickin. Do you have a map….I just keep getting lost in your eyes Hi…..I make more money than you can spend. The voices in my head is asking for your number, he’s kinda shy. Hey Sweetz what time do you get OFF? ???? Can I watch or do you need a hand??? I have Skittles in my mouth, wanna taste the rainbow? SHOW ME your melons and I let you play with my balls. Why don’t you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up? I’m trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or not I’m allergic to sex. Just got a snake bite on my weiner, care to suck out the poison? That’s a nice dress. Can I talk you out of it? Let’s do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you? Well? show me your’s and then i’ll show you mine. My lips are chapped could I rub my lips against yours to moisten them? Do u wash your pants with windex? because i can really see myself in them. I may not be fred flintstone, but i can sure make your bed rock. I wish u were a screen door, so i can slam u all day long. My weiner is cold, can he hide inside you? Can I have your picture?.. So I can show santa what I want for christmas! You spend so much time in my dreams I should charge rent! Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need another drink? Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? (Pull your pockets inside out….) Would you like to? If I bit my lip would you kiss it better?

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in. Tommy left for a bit and said “Ok Grandpa, watch this”. Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole. The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy. Tommy said “Grandpa I can’t keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That’s why I was able to do that.” Grandpa said “No, you keep it.” The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks. Tommy said “No Grandpa. You already paid me.” Grandpa replied “That money was from Grandma.”

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00 When The postal authorities received the letter addressed to : God , USA , … they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down and wrote a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God , Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC. Do you know those bureaucrats deducted $95.00 in taxes!

An Asian man walks into the currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen, but gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady says, “Fluctuations. ” The Asian man says, “Fluc you clazy Amelicans too!”

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her. “Sister, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated. “Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.” “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?” “Oh, $20,000 a week.” “Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?” “He is a veterinarian,” she answered. “That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?” “Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno.”

REVISED HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM FOR SO. CAL. NAME______________________________ GANG NAME_________________________ 1) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold? 2) Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus’ $800 per day crack habit? 3) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make a 20% profit. How many ounces will he need? 4) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4×4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes, and 3 4×4’s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900? 5) Raoul got 6 years for murder, he also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? **Extra credit question: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money??** 6) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight-ounce cans of spray paint? 7) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up? 8) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa with one week’s salary? 9) Billy steals Joe’s skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his Magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked? REMEMBER SAY NO TO DRUGS. GOOD LUCK & NO TALKING.

Q: What should you do if windows crashes cost you a lot of money? A: You should bill Gates.

Why did the farmer feed his cows money? He wanted rich milk.

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, “Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?” Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, “Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here’s the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.” “Fine job, Peter!” The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. “You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.” Turning to Paul, “And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?” Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,” I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here’s $280 I collected.” The minister responded, ” That’s absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you.” Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, “And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?” Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. “What is this?” the minister exclaimed. “Louie, there’s $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week? Louie just nodded. That’s impossible!” both Peter and Paul said in unison. “We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.” “Yes, this does seem unlikely,” the minister agreed. “I think you’d better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.” Louie shrugged. “I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don’t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh -sh-sh-sure,” he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. “For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!” “A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,” Louis replied, “W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks —o-o-o-or— wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?”