Monkey Jokes

Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?” The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made..” Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.” The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?” The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?” So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.” The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?” And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.” The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?” And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.” But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?” “Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.” So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.

On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says “Wow that is one ugly baby.” The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks “What’s wrong you look mad?” She replied “I am. That bus driver just insulted me.” “You shouldn’t take that from him.” the man replied. “He’s a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him. “You’re right sir I think I will report him.” The elderly man says, “You go on up there and get his badge number. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Once upon a time, a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 each and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He then announced that he would buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the villagers efforts and they started catching monkeys again. Soon, the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the big city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf. The assistant told the villagers, “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for $50.” The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys! Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WORKS!!! It doesn’t get much clearer than this……..

Q: What kind of monkey can fly? A: A hot air baboon.

The young lady strolled through the National Zoo and finally paused in front of the monkey island. Mystified as to the whereabouts of the animals, she queried the keeper, “Where are all of the monkeys?” “They’re all back in the cave, Miss.” he responded, “It’s right in the midst of the mating season.” “I see.” she replied, “Do you think they’d come out if I offered them some of these peanuts?” Smiling the keeper responding, “Well, I can’t rightly say as I know, Miss. Would *YOU*?”

What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A baboom!

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, “Hey! What are you doing?” The monkey says, “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few tokes together. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, ditty bops on thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. Well, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree and smoking a joint with the monkey and got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he’s gotta check this hippie monkey out and walks off into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey is still sitting and toking on the joint. He looks up and says “hey you!” The Monkey looks down and says, “ffuuucccckkkk dude………….how much water did you drink?!!”

Creation vs Evolution has been settled! A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?” The Mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made.” A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them.” The confused girl returns to her mother and says, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?” The Mother answers, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side.”

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! What are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey you!” The Monkey looks down and says, “Duuuuuuuuuude…….how much water did you drink?!”

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, “The piano player”. The man walks over to the piano player and says “Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?” The pianist replies, “No, but if you hum it I’ll play it.”

Pet Shop Monkeys A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?” The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C – very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.” The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive – $10,000! What does it do?” “Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?” The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s a consultant.”

Spent yesterday afternoon in the zoo treating monkeys with depression…I’m always there when the chimps are down!

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”The woman sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her, “The driver just insulted me.”The man says, “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you!”

89 monkey pox cases in the UK…Won’t be long before we’re stood on the front door step clapping the zoo keepers!

Had a call from the doctors today. Apparently my blood test showed I have monkeypox…They asked me to swing by the surgery!

I came home from watching the footy last night to find a chicken, a priest, and a chimp watching porn in my house…I didn’t know whether to choke the chicken, bash the bishop, or spank the monkey!

Girls treat guys like monkey bars. They don’t let go of the last one until they got a grip on the next one.

What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account?Prime mates!

Spent the morning in the zoo treating monkeys with depression…I’m always there when the chimps are down!

What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account?Prime mates.

What do you call a sexy flying monkey.A hot air baboon.

The man who invented autocorrect has died…His funfair will be helped next Monkey.

The weirdest summer job I have ever had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.That shit was bananas.

The weirdest summer job I have ever had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.That shit was bananas.