Motorcycle Jokes

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.” “Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley Davidson Motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage. “Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?” The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?” The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic….”Try doing it with the engine running..”

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “YEOWW! ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or1/2 inch socket you’ve been searching for the last 45 minutes. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires. RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures. Also used as replacement for screwdriver. MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “DAMMIT” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven.” Davidson thinks about it and says, “I wanna hang out with God, Himself.” The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of Woman?” God says, “Ah, yes.” Well,” says Davidson, “you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. there’s too much front end protrusion 2. it chatters at high speeds 3. the rear end wobbles too much, and 4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust.” “Hmmm…” replies God, “hold on.” God goes to the Celestial Super computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. “It may be that my invention is flawed,” God replies to Arthur Davidson, but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours.”

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.” “Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence. “Get well soon…..From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”

Heart Surgeon A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc can I ask you a question?” The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix’em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?” The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it while it’s running.”

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.” “Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

After getting all of The Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver in New York City notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. “Excuse a-me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please-a take-a your seat so we can-a leave?” “Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.” “I’m-a sorry but I cannot-a let you do that. I’d-a lose-a my job! And what if-a something should-a happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning. “There might be something extra in it for you, “says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. “Please a- slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. “Oh, dear God, I’m-a gonna lose a my licence,” moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. “I need-a to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five. “So bust him,” says the Chief. “I don’t a think we wanna do that, he’s a-really important,” said the cop. The Chief exclaimed,” All the more reason!” “No, I mean a really important,” said the cop. The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the Mayor?” Cop: “Bigger.” Chief: “Governor?” Cop: “Bigger.” Chief: “President?” Cop: “Bigger” “Bigger than the President? – ridiculous,” said the Chief, “Who is it?” Cop: “I think it’s God!” Chief: “What makes you think it’s God?” Cop: “He’s got the Pope as a chauffeur!!”

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man’s milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?” The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

A mother enters her daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But is not only that mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams. I’ve learned that marijuana doesn’t hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and for his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. In the meantime, we’ll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I’ll visit, so you can know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith PS: Mom, it’s not true. I’m at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school’s report card that’s in my desk’s drawer…I love you!

Driving Pointiff After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. ‘Excuse me, Your Holiness, ‘says the driver,’ Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’ ‘Well, to tell you the truth, ‘ says the Pope, ‘ they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.’ ‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning. ‘Who’s going to tell?’ says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..) ‘Please slow down, Your Holiness! ‘ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. ‘Oh, dear Lord, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. ‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 155 kph. ‘So bust him, ‘ says the Chief. ‘I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,’ said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, ‘All the more reason!’ ‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked,’ Who do you have there, the mayor?’ Cop: ‘Bigger.’ Chief: ‘A senator?’ Cop: ‘Bigger.’ Chief: ‘The Prime Minister?’ Cop: ‘Bigger. ‘ ‘Well, ‘ said the Chief, ‘who is it?’ Cop: ‘ I think it’s God!’ The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ‘What makes you think it’s God?’ Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope!’

True or False 1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. 2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton. 3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs. 4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more. 5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart! 6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties. 7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. 8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old. 9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. 10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498. 11. The average housefly lives for one month. 12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. 13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. 14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. 15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day. 16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep. 17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water. 18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot. 19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in “An Officer and a Gentleman” and “Tootsie”. 20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem. 21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk. 22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash. 23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor. 24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery. 25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins. 26. If coloring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green. Answers: All of the above are true. Don’t you just love number sixteen?

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?A Yamahahahaha!

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?A yamahahahaha.

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?A yamahahahaha.