Neighbour Jokes

It’s with great tragedy that I report my blonde next door neighbour tried to kill her toy poodle. She tried putting batteries in it.

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved “I love you, Sally”. On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don’t know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says: “We’ve got to give it back”. She says, “Finders keepers” & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home. One knocks on the door & says: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?” She says: “No”.. The husband says: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” She says: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.” But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him. One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” The old man says: “Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday …” At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: “We’re outta here ..”

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved “I love you, Sally”. On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don’t know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says: “We’ve got to give it back”. She says, “Finders keepers” & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home. One knocks on the door & says: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?” She says: “No”.. The husband says: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” She says: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.” But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him. One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” The old man says: “Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday …” At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: “We’re outta here …”

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist’s life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man’s job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn’t give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: “Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn’t even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?” And a great voice was heard from above … “BECAUSE HE DOESN’T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME.”

It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” complained a man to his wife as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn like this?” she replied. “Probably that I married you for your money.”

A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour through the hinterlands of southern Arkansas and was visiting one particular farmer. He was standing, alongside of the farmer, leaning on the corral rail – as he always did before pitching “the new line of tractors” – and looking at all of the farm animals in the barnyard. Seeing one particular pig, he said: “Say, that sure is a fine hog, but, you know, I have never seen a pig with one wooden leg before.” The farmer said: “You see, that there pig is one valuable animal, I can tell you. That there hog saved my life three times.” “The first time was about a month ago. My wife fried potatoes for supper, just the way I like them, and left the frying pan on the stove. About midnight or so, the pig must have smelled the smoke, but be broke out of his pen, butted the house door open with his snout, woke us up and we got out of the house just in time.” “And it wasn’t but two weeks later and I was mowing on the back forty and I tipped the tractor over and it pinned me under the rear wheel. Gas was leaking out of the tank onto the hot manifold and that pig must have heard me yelling, because he broke out again, ran up to me, saw what had happened, ran to the neighbour, got help and the neighbour came with his tractor and pulled me free.” “And just last week, I was leading the old dairy bull out to pasture, and he raised up and pulled the ring out of his nose and, quick as two shakes of a dog’s tail, he knocked me down. He jumped on me and straddled me with his horns and was about to gore me, when the old pig heard what was going on, broke out again, ran up, got a firm hold on the old bull’s tail and I got away.” Having heard the explanation, the salesman said: “All well and good, but that doesn’t explain why that hog has got a wooden leg.” The farmer replied: “Well, in a way, it does. A pig that is that valuable is way too valuable to eat all at one time”.

It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” complained a man to his wife as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn like this?” she replied. “Probably that I married you for your money.”

Notes To The Rural Milkman “Dear Milkman, I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.” “Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.” “Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it” “Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.” “Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.” “Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.” “When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.” “Please knock. My television’s broken down and I missed last nights ‘Sopranos.’ If you saw it, will you tell me what happened.” “My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle.” “Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.” “Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.” “From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.” “My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight.” “Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday…or is it today?” “When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don’t leave any milk.” “No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.”

Please keep an eye out for elderly neighbours during this cold snap…They’ll try to corner you to talk about the weather for hours if you’re not careful!

I bought a new pair of trousers which are too long, but I asked my neighbour who is a seamstress to come around…I hope she turns up!

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger…It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room!

“Right class,” said the teacher. “Who can make a sentence with the word ‘contagious’?”Little Johnny threw up his hand excitedly.“Yes, Johnny?”“My dad saw our neighbour painting his fence with a little brush, and said it’ll take the contageous!”

I knocked on my neighbours door and said, “Your daughter owes me a new van. I’ve just crashed mine into a tree because of her.”“You must be mistaken,” she replied. “Our daughter is upstairs changing out of her nurses uniform.”I said, “I know, she left the curtains open!”

Did my first nude painting this morning…The neighbours weren’t happy but the front door looks great!

My neighbour’s little lad got a bike for Christmas and he seems to have a tiny Edam cheese strapped to its handlebars…Think it must be his baby bell!

Congratulations to my wife who reached a new culinary milestone today by setting off the neighbours’ smoke alarm!

I was arrested yesterday after my neighbours complained about me playing Englebert Humperdinck records all night…Police released me, let me go!

Heard my neighbours shagging for what seemed like ages last night. Moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall.Turns out her elderly mother had fallen and broken her hip and was banging on the wall with her stick for help…Feel a bit guilty about the wank now!

I saw my neighbour stealing all my socks off my washing line…I was going to confront him but I got cold feet!

I saw my dwarf neighbour at a bus stop.“Jump in, I’ll give you a lift home” I said.“Fuck off” he shouted back.“What an ungrateful little shit,” I thought, as I zipped my rucksack and continued my walk.

My new sexy neighbour just sneezed, so by instinct and good manners I said bless you…She said thanks, but looked a little confused that her wardrobe was talking to her!

I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my house…My neighbour is dead against it!

My attractive next door neighbour just confronted me about items missing from her washing line..I nearly shit her pants!

The roof of the shed was damaged in the gales but my kind neighbour gave me a waterproof cover to use until I could repair it…Ta Pauline!#StormFranklin

My neighbour was rushed into hospital with a golf ball up his backside…The Doctor said it’s gone up a fairway!

An elderly man was telling his neighbour, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”“Really?” answered the neighbour. “What kind is it?”“Twelve thirty!”

I was walking past the church on Sunday morning when the vicar shouted at me, “Love your neighbour.” I shouted back, “Me too, cracking pair of tits!”

Dear Deidre. Please help me. My sexy 20 year old neighbour was sunbathing the other day. I took the chance to peek out of our bathroom window and have a cheeky wank. As I finished I turned around and my wife was standing there arms folded watching me.Is my wife a pervert?

I saw my dwarf neighbour at a bus stop.“Jump in, I’ll give you a lift home,” I said.“Fuck off,” he shouted back.“What an ungrateful little shit,” I thought, as I zipped my rucksack and continued my walk.

My next door neighbour knocked on my door wearing just a see through negligee.Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and then winked at me and asked to come in for a cup of coffee. I said “Fuck off Dave!”

My neighbours complained about me groaning too loud having sex in the morning…If only they knew I’m trying to put my socks on!

My attractive next door neighbour just confronted me about items missing from her washing line…I nearly shit her pants!

Caught my wife going through the neighbours bins…She’s not nosey, just terrible at parking!

I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my property over the weekend…My neighbour is dead against it!

My neighbours thought that Tina Turner had moved into my spare room last weekend but she was simply the guest!

At 3am this morning I heard a noise. Looking out of the window I saw my neighbour crack a man across the head and start to dig a hole to bury him.“You’ll never guess what I’ve just seen,” I said to my wife.“What?” she said. “The guy next door has still got my shovel!”

My neighbours are having a contest to see who can hang out their washing on the line the fastest…So far, it’s level pegging!

I knocked on my neighbours door earlier, and said, “Can you have my children? I’ll be no longer than a few minutes.She said, “Yeah, no problem.”I said, “Great! Get your knickers off then!”

I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot.If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbours fence and get it for you!

My neighbour told me he was scared to plant an apple tree…I told him to grow a pear!

A bloke knocked on my door today and said, “I have a parcel for your next door neighbour.”I said, “You’ve got the wrong fucking house then pal!”

How long should someone help a neighbour chop wood for?Axing for a friend!

I was busy in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and said, “What are you doing?”I said, “I’m putting all my plants in alphabetical order.”She replied, “Really? I don’t know how you find the time.”“Oh that’s easy,” I said. “It’s right next to the sage!”

I woke up this morning with a terrible hangover to hear my neighbour mowing his lawn…I was going to get up and then I thought no. He can mow around me!

Our neighbour’s dog shat in our garden, so the missus told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence…I don’t see what that solved, we’ve still got dog shit in our garden and the neighbours now have our shovel!

Did my first nude painting yesterday…The neighbours weren’t happy but the front door looks great!

Just saw our next door neighbour getting a bunch of flowers delivered.I said, “Nice flowers love.”She said, “Yeah, but I’ll be spending all weekend flat on my back with my legs in the air now.”I said, “Bloody hell, get the tight bastard to buy you a fucking vase!”

I thought I heard my next-door neighbours shagging last night. All I could hear was moaning and loud banging on the wall. It turns out her elderly mother had fallen in the bedroom and was trying to get my attention with her stick…Feel a bit guilty about the wank now!

I’ve just offered my next door neighbour £20 to try out her new stair lift…I really think she is going to take me up on it!

I helped my neighbour this morning and she said to me, “I could marry you.”I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

When our lass told me there’d be no more Neighbours after last night, I thought she meant the couple next door were moving…I wish she had made it clear that she meant the fucking television programme before I admitted to shoving dog shit through their letterbox!

I just did some Dirty Dancing in my neighbour’s herb garden…I had the thyme of my life!

Congratulations to my wife who reached a new culinary milestone yesterday by setting off the neighbours’ smoke alarm!

My wife came out of the bathroom after her shower, stark naked, and walked into the bedroom. She said, “Shut the curtains babe. I don’t want the neighbours to see me naked.”“Don’t worry,” I said. “If they see you naked, they’ll shut their own fucking curtains!”

This morning my neighbour complained that I invade his personal space…I was very upset it and it completely ruined our bath!

“Your dog has been barking for the last 3 fucking hours!” I said to my neighbour this morning. “I’ve got a serious hangover and I’m trying to get some sleep!”“It would probably help if you got out of his kennel!” she replied.

Last week, my next door neighbour asked me, “Seeing as our houses are the same design, can I ask how many rolls of wallpaper you bought to decorate the living room?”“Thirteen,” I said.Today, he came round looking angry. “I’ve got three rolls left over!”“So did I!” I said.

Our neighbour just came round to tell me someone has been nicking her underwear off the washing line again…I nearly shit her pants!

With the conditions being as awful as they are, I thought I’d visit my 90 year old neighbour and ask if she needed anything from the shop. Turns out she did, so I gave her my list too. There’s no point in both of us going out in this weather!

I’ve been invited round the neighbours house for a pre-Christmas drink with nibbles…Honestly, they treat that cat like royalty!

Last Christmas I gave my elderly neighbour a prostitute and a duvet, which surprised him as he’d actually asked for a tartan blanket!

There’s a bloke running through the neighbourhood shouting “HELLO” to everyone…Everyone is on “Hi” alert!

My wife says she hates it when our next door neighbour sunbathes topless in the garden. Personally I’m on the fence.

“One of my neighbours had half of his large intestine removed,” I said to my mate. “Did he end up in a coma?” He asked. “No,” I replied, “But he did end up with a semi-colon.”

The neighbours dogs woke me up last night barking loudly. So I threw my shoes out of the window at them and that shut them up. It was a pair of hush puppies.

My next door Neighbour’s Daughter said that when she gets older she wants to marry me. I was touched. A few minutes later, so was she.

My Chinese neighbour told me he’d just opened a “Crows shop”. I said, “Don’t you mean a clothes shop?” He said, “A Crows shop!” I said, “OK, I might pop down for a Rook.”

My big next door neighbour just confronted me about missing items from his washing line. I nearly shit his pants

I saw my neighbour jogging at 1am this morning and said “It’s a bit late for you Kathy, isn’t it ?”. She said “I couldn’t sleep”. I said “That’s not what I meant, you fat b*tch”….

Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan….

Our neighbour’s dog shat in our garden, so my mom told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don’t see what that solved, now we’ve got dog sh*t in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.

My girlfriend always cheats when we play board games, like last night, we were all playing Monopoly and she was next door fucking the neighbour.

My African Neighbour just accused me of being racist.I said, ” F*ck Off, I’ve got a coloured TV “.

Justin Bieber will be charged in Los Angeles about an egg-throwing incident in January which damaged a neighbour’s home. The judge said it was the most pointless use of an egg since the fertilization of Justin Bieber.

I couldn’t sleep last night so I decided to play on my drums. I also learnt that my neighbour has Tourette’s.

Sex is like cooking. Your girlfriend will be angry at you because you ate your neighbour’s even though she hasn’t cooked for you in weeks.

What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood? The Spaghetto.

My neighbour went into labour this afternoon and I ended up helping her deliver it on the garden trampoline…I’m pleased to say she gave birth to a bouncing baby boy!

Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall.Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head & was knocking on the wall with her stick for help…Feel a bit guilty about the wank now!

I’ve offered my elderly neighbour £10 to have a go on her stairlift…I think she’s going to take me up on it!

I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot…If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbours fence and get it for you!

A parcel addressed to the England Cricket Team had to be left with a neighbour this morning…Everyone was out!

I noticed my neighbour putting a ‘Princess On Board’ sign in his car window. “Alright mate?” I said. “I didn’t realise you had a daughter.” “We don’t,” he replied. “Our son came out as gay this morning!”

What do you call a rough Italian neighbourhood?Spaghetto.

I was arrested yesterday after neighbours complained about me playing Engelbert Humperdinck records all night.Police released me, let me go.

My neighbour told me he was scared to plant an apple tree.I told him to grow a pear.

My neighbour banged on the wall at 430am this morning!Can you believe it. Lucky I was still awake listening to music.They banged and shouted Can we have a little respect please?I shouted back, I’m not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this one’s for you.

My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having.

I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my house.My neighbour is dead against it.

My annoying neighbour knocked on my door at 3:00 A.M. last night.Luckily I was still awake practicing my drums.

This morning I saw my neighbour talking to her cat; it was obvious the poor women thought the cat understood her.When I got home I told my dog…we laughed a lot.

I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my house.My neighbour is dead against it.

My wife is super upset at our neighbour who happens to enjoy suntanning in her backyard naked.Personally though, I’m on the fence.

My next door neighbours are splitting up not long after buying a water bed.They just drifted apart!

I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my property over the weekend.My neighbour is dead against it.

I’ve offered my elderly neighbour $20 to try out her stair lift.I think she’s going to take me up on it.

I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my house.My neighbour is dead against it.

My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having.