Note Jokes

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and, together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives. Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as “the Conservative movement.” Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlymen. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided. Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added)(& foo foo coffee), but most prefer white wine or imported, bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t “fair” to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to “govern” the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing. Here ends today’s lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the above instead of simply laughing and deleting or forwarding it.

It’s wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?” The blonde said, “I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.” The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?” The blonde said, “No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes.”

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.” “Why not?” asked someone from the back of the audience. “I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. ‘Hon,’ I suggested, ‘Why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’” The voice from the back asked, “Did it save time?” The expert replied, “Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch. The seaman asks “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off.” “Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well…”, replied the pirate, “While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals” “Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eyepatch?” “A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.”, replied the pirate. “You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well…”, said the pirate, “…it was my first day with the hook.”

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00 When The postal authorities received the letter addressed to : God , USA , … they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down and wrote a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God , Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC. Do you know those bureaucrats deducted $95.00 in taxes!

If Recipes were like tax forms…. * Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one) pound. (See line 4.) * Line 2. Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey. Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste. * Line 3. Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater. * Line 4. Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3 tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution. For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion, see Form 551. * Line 5a. Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local government employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax credit. Measure 2 cups, sifting is optional. Line 5b. Flour, whole wheat, 1 2/3 cups. Line 5c. Alternative mixture: 1 cup white flour plus 3/4 cup whole wheat flour. * Line 6. Vanilla, 1 teaspoon. See Schedule ZE for reporting use of imitation vanilla flavoring. You may be able to deduct the cost of real vanilla extract in 1991 if you itemize deductions. * Line 7. Salt, 1/3 teaspoon (optional). If you are a head of household with dependents and were born during a leap year, you must add salt. * Line 8. Baking powder, 1 1/2 teaspoons. Use of baking soda will result in a penalty. See form W-Q. Line 8a. Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped. You may be eligible to use pecans or almonds. See Part III of Schedule PE, Itemized Substitutions. * Line 9. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds 5,500 feet). Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you begin assembling ingredients. In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream butter and sugar for 3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever occurs first. (Note: If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method [see Line 4], add additional butter and sugar at this point.) * Line 10. Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed mixture. If the eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole owner, you may be eligible for a Fowl Credit. See Form 9871m “For the Birds.” * Line 11. Add vanilla. * Line 12. In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat. If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding instruction and stir cocoa into the creamed mixture. Then stir in flour from Line 5a, 5b, or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7 for exception) and baking powder. * Line 13. Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type (See Line 8a). * Line 14. Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch round cake pans or 1 (one) greased and floured 9×13 inch pan, which you should have prepared earlier. Bake in preheated oven (see line 9) for 40 to 50 minutes, whichever is greater. After removing cake pan(s) from oven, cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9×13 pan) and turn cake(s) out onto wire rack. When cake is completely cool, frost it. (To determine time needed for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.) See Form 873 for details on appropriate frostings. Note: If you weigh 20 percent more (or higher) than your ideal weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this recipe and complete Schedule F, “Fresh Fruit Desserts.”

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?” Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”

One noted chef was a perfectionist. He made the most delectablemeals because he expected nothing less. Thus it came as a surpriseto one of his students that the chef used low grade spices. “Why doyou use the worst spices when you expect the best?” the studentasked him one day. “Wouldn’t your foods taste so much better if youused premium-grade spices?””I once thought as you do,” the chef answered. “When I was learning,I bought all the best spices — they were fresh and perfectly ground,no flaws whatsoever. But taken with their own perfection, they wereunruly spices, constantly fighting each other to be the dominant tasteinstead of working together. So I tried lower grade spices — theyweren’t so perfect, but they weren’t so intractable either. And so itis well to remember, my dear pupil, that a glitch in thyme behaves fine.”

1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks. 2. No changing your oil in the street. 3. No loud and wild parties without inviting the manager. 4. You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes each only having no more than 6 cans each. 5. Drunkenness will not be tolerated in the streets prior to 10 am. 6. While outside of your trailer you must be at least partially clothed.* 7. If you prefer to clean your trailer in the nude, please close the curtains. * 8. When bringing in the Jerry Springer or COPS film crews, please provide the management prior written notice so that certain residents may be forewarned. 9. Empty beer bottles should not be discarded on the front lawn. However, they may remain there until you are sober enough to collect them with the understanding you will collect them within 7 days whether sober or not. 10. When bringing dates home to your trailer, please be advised that in the event the sidewalks need to be repaired or replaced due to the weight of your date, you will be responsible for all cost incurred. Note* (Exemptions to rules 6 & 7 may be provided to women between the ages of 18 and 35. Please submit a photograph to the manager for approval.) Following these simple rules should make your stay in our trailer park more enjoyable for everyone.

Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk. The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks”. To which the second gal replied, “You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!” And the third proclaimed, “I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!” They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: “Ladies, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.”

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he’s surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously “Is there a problem?” The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes “I’m afraid so…I’m sorry but your notes got mixed up and we’ve given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy” The patient is devastated and shockingly replies “Do you mean to say I’ll never experience another erection” The surgeon pauses for a moment then says “Well, you might, but it won’t be yours.”

A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies: “Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.” “Find Amelia Earhart yet?” “Can you hear me NOW?” “Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!” “Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?” “You know, in some states, we’re now legally married.” “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?” “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.. You do the Hokey Pokey….” “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!” “If your hand doesn’t fit, you musta quit!” “Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.” “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?” “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

A new business was opening and one of the owners friends sent flowers for the occasion. but when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said, “Rest In Peace”. The owner was a little peeved,and he called the florist to complain. After he told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir I’m really sorry for the mistake,but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations On Your New Location”.

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”. He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby table. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man. Her note reads: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants.” The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her. His note reads: “Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850, and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage. I have over twenty five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK.”

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine’s Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties. The young man mailed his Valentine’s Day gift with the following note: This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove. These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I’ll be kissing them in the future. I hope you’ll wear them Friday night for me. Love, Honey Bear P.S. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

It is a little-known fact that before becoming president of South Korea, Syngman Rhee was for many years foreign corresponcent for Life magazine, dividing his time between their New York and Seoul offices. One day, he left New York for a routine trip to Seoul, but, when he wasn’t heard from, the New York office became worried and called the Seoul office. The Seoul office confirmed that he had arrived as scheduled but had left almost immediately for North Korea. They quoted him as saying that he was not at liberty to say where he could be reached but that he would be doing a story on how the other half lived, promising to cable it to Seoul and New York on completion.The New York office was worried and decided to send a bilingual correspondent to North Korea to try to locate him. He arrived in Seoul, at which time he was told that they had had an update: Syngman Rhee had called in a half hour earlier to say that his story would concern interviews with a taxi driver, a tailor, and a restaurant manager, all in Pyongyang. But he still declined to supply a contact address.So the reporter decided to go to Pyongyang to track him down. At the Pyongyang airport he took a taxi into town, and luck was with him: while his taxi driver had not been the one interviewed, he knew the driver who had, and he gave the reporter his name. When reporter talked to the driver, the driver said that Rhee had planned to interview a tailor in a district known for its many tailors.Again luck was with him: out of 3,518 tailors, he only had to talk to 17 before finding the one who had been interviewed by Rhee: he quoted him as saying he intended to talk to a restaurant manager located in a suburb of Pyongyang. Acting on a hunch that the suburb would be the last one on the commuter train line, he took the train for the northern suburbs and got off at the last stop. He interviewed a restaurant manager there without success, so he returned to Pyongyang Central Station and took a train to the northeast, getting off at the last stop. In this way he worked his way around, taking trains to the east, then southeast, and again luck was with him. He did not have to get half way around the circuit before arriving at the last town on a line running southeast of Pyongyang, where he talked to the manager of one of the town’s only two restaurants. The manager confirmed that Syngman Rhee had gone to the other one for his interview.Arriving there, the correspondent talked to the manager, who said that Rhee had just interviewed him and was now in the kitchen talking to the staff. The reporter went into the kitchen, and there was Syngman Rhee, looking as if he hadn’t aged a day in three months, sipping a cup of tea with the staff with his notebook on his knee. The correspondent said, “Ah, sweet Mr. Rhee of Life, at last I’ve found you!”

Enclosed is my 2005 Form 1040, together with payment. Please take note of the attached article from “USA Today” archives. In the article, you will note that the Pentagon paid $171.50 each for hammers and NASA paid $600.00 each for toilet seats. Please find enclosed in this package four toilet seats (value $2,400.00) and six hammers (value $1,029.00). This is in payment for my total tax due of $3,429.00. Out of a sense of patriotic duty, and to assist in the political purification of our government, I am also enclosing a 15 inch Phillips head screw driver, for which HUD duly recorded and approved a purchase value of $2200, as my contribution to fulfill the Presidential Election Fund option on Form 1040. It has been a pleasure to pay my taxes this year and I look forward to paying them again next year in accordance with officially established government values. Sincerely, Another satisfied American taxpayer.

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic,but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents,the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: “I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.” “These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.” “I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. ” “When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. ” “Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. “

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, “I had a big house built for Mama.” The second said, ” I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house.” The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.” The fourth said, “You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.” The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.” “Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.” “Michael, you gave me and expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.” “Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.”

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify her request. The blonde came to the door and the milkman says “I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk.” “Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?” The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath.” The milkman asked, “You want it pasteurized?” The blonde said, “No, just up to my nipples.”

One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place an object behind her and describe it. The first person to get it got a piece of candy. First she said, “The object is red and grows on trees.” A kid raised his hand and said “an apple” the teacher said correct. Then she said, “The object is flat and comes in different colors” a different kid raises his hand and said it is a notebook! The teacher said correct. Then Johnny said, “ooh! ooh! Can I try?” The teacher said yes. He stood up and put his hand in his pocket. He said “The object is round, hard, and has a head on it.” The teacher said “JOHNNY! GO TO THE OFFICE!!” Johnny said, “No it’s a quarter!”

A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. “You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them.” “All right,” said the farmer. “I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She’s been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board.” “Anybody else?” asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. “Yeah,” the farmer said. “There’s a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco.” “Aha!” the agent roared. “I want to talk to that half-wit!” “You’re talkin’ to him now,” said the farmer.

Funny helpdesk chat transcripts: Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one… ——————————————————————– Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out. Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck. Helpdesk: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note ….” Customer: No … wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry …….. ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? ———————————————————— Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello… I can’t print. Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and .. Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates! ——————————————————————– Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it… ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: What’s on your monitor now ma’am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: And now hit F8. Customer: It’s not working. Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly? Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing’s happening… ——————————————————————– Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Helpdesk: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer. Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work! ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? ——————————————————————- A customer couldn’t get on the internet. Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it. Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Helpdesk: That’s not an antivirus program. Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer. ——————————————————————– Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears! ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you? Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me? Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don’t understand your problem? Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me? ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: How may I help you? Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail. Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it.

Stamps For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules. He worked during the day, and I worked at night. One morning I noticed he had left a note to himself on the kitchen counter that read, “STAMPS!” As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office and put them on the counter before going to work. The next morning I found the same note. The word “STAMPS!” was crossed out. Underneath it he had written, “ONE MILLION DOLLARS!”

A high-school geometry teacher, started one lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. “If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles.” He noticed that one student wasn’t taking notes and asked him why. “Well,” he replied sincerely, “I’m waiting until you start speaking English.”

18. If you can’t feed ’em, don’t breed ’em!” 17. Jesus loves you…but everyone else thinks you are an asshole. 16. Impotence…Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings.” 15. The proctologist called…they found your head. 14. Everyone has a photographic memory…some just don’t have any film. 13. Save your breath…You’ll need it to blow up your date. 12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. 11. I used to have a handle on life…but it broke off. 10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 9. Guys…just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to be one. 8. Some people just don’t know how to drive…I call these people “Everybody But Me.” 7. Heart Attacks..God’s revenge for eating His animal friends. 6. Don’t like my driving? Then quit watching me. This one is for L_G, hehe. 5. If you can read this…I can slam on my brakes and sue you.. 4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. 3. Try not to let your mind wander…It is too small and fragile to be out by itself. 2. Hang up and drive!! AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER YOU’D LIKE TO SEE!! 1. Welcome to America…now speak English

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?” She replies, “I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.” “Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.” “Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.” “But, where did you get the tools?” “Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.” The guy is stunned. “Let’s row over to my place,” she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white While the woman ties up the rowboat wit h an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?” “No! No thank you,” he blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.” “It’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.” No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. “This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What next?” When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for many months. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for?” She stares into his eyes. He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean . . he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.” . . . “Don’t tell me you’ve built a Golf Course!”

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car’s hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another. male: Playing football without a helmet. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. BUTT (but) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.” male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything that can be done while drinking. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

Dear Internal Revenue Service: Enclosed you will find my 2006 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat. I am enclosing for (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400.) and six (6) hammers (valued @ $1,029.) which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5″ Phillips Head screwdriver, (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5″ Phillips Head screwdrivers). One screw is enclosed for your convenience. It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. Sincerely, A Satisfied Taxpayer

These are actual notes from Doctors patient charts… 1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely. 3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993. 5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused an autopsy. 9. The patient has no past history of suicides. 10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 14. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. 15. She is numb from her toes down. 16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 17. The skin was moist and dry. 18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 19. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. 21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 26. The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead. 27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present. 28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor. 29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE . God is watching.’ Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ’em. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… when the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” five guys and two women stand up. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.” You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the choir is known as the “OK Chorale”. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… Baptism is referred to as “branding”. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… people think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the collection plates are really hub caps from a ’56 Chevy. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… instead of a Bell, you are called to service by a duck call You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink”. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… “Thou shalt not covet” applies to hunting dogs, too. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now Ya Hear!”

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?” The blonde said, “I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.” The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?” The blonde said, “No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes.”

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?” The blonde said, “No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.” The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?” The blonde said, “No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes.”

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, ‘I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight’s concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.’ Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, ‘Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don’t I?’

Borrowing Our four children, always on the go, frequently communicate with each other by leaving notes around the house telling where they’ve gone, what they’re doing, or whatever. Recently, we came across the following written exchange between Michael, 18, and Steve, his 12-year-old brother: “Steve–borrowed your hairbrush. I’ll return it when I get back. If you need one, mine is in Mom’s car (which is why I had to borrow yours). –Mike” Steve’s response, written on the same note was: “Mike–It’s not mine. It’s the dog’s. –Steve”

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: ‘Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’ The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with four children — he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path… so they decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren’t at home. The father told the mother, “If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest – but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I’m afraid our son will be a drunkard.” So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they’d be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: “Darn, it’s even worse than I ever imagined…” “What do you mean?” his wife inquired. “Our son is going to be a politician!” replied the concerned father.

Political Correctness For Kids – Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s “passage-restrictive.” – Kids don’t get in trouble anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.” – You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.” – No one’s tall anymore. They’re “vertically enhanced.” – You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.” – You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal.” – It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “transmission of near-factual information.” – The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged.” – Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.” – You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness.” – You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.” – You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.” – You’re not being sent to the principal’s office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Moses–Exodus 2:16-21) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Boaz–Ruth 4:5-10) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjaminites–Judges 21:19-25) Have God create a wife for you while you sleep . Note: this will cost you. (Adam–Genesis 2:19-24) Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. (Jacob–Genesis 29:15-30) Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (David–1 Samuel 18:27) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative, of course.) (Cain–Genesis 4:16-17) Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Xerxes or Ahasuerus–Esther 2:3-4) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a . woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” (Samson– Judges 14:1-3) Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). (David–2 Samuel 11) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea; it’s the law.) (Onana and Boaz–Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. (Solomon–1 Kings 11:1-3) A wife?…NOT? (Paul–1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Part of rebuilding New Orleans causes residents to often be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here’s a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client; You’ve got to love this lawyer…… A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply. (Actual letter): “Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.” Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): “Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus ‘ expedition. Now the Pope, as I’m sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God’s original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?”

Husband’s note on refrigerator for wife: Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal. I didn’t know you liked beer.

The Black Canyon Biker A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours he hadn’t gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn’t fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast to honk the horn on his bike and he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes–both going well over 120 mph–blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, “And you’re not going to believe this, but there’s guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass.”

Mind Games for Dogs 1. After your humans give you a bath, DON’T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your human’s bedtime. 2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.) 3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they’re talking about. 4. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go ‘poo’. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag. 5. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by. 6. Make your own rules. Don’t always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while. 7. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don’t greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don’t reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears). 8. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,…. “Rest in Peace.” The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,… ‘Congratulations on your new location!’”

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, “Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.”

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.” The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with four children — he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

Locker Combination Another man and I share a locker at work. Noticing that it needed a new combination lock, my partner said he would pick one up on his way to work the next day. It occurred to me later that I might not see him in the morning. How would I find out the combination? I needn’t have worried. When I arrived at work I found that he had used the locker before me and had left a note reading: To find the first number subtract 142 from your high score the last time we went bowling. The second number is 16 less than that. To find the third number subtract 1.87 from the amount you owe me.

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this: She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.” Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome: He wrote on the back of the photo the following: “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!” and then mailed the picture to her parents.

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.” On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note: “Dear Madam, Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 – it had never been occupied; #2 – there was plenty of heat; and #3 – it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 – it had been previously occupied, #2 – there wasn’t any heat, and #3 – it was entirely too large.” Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note: ” Dear Sir, #1 – I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 – As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. #3 – Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. “Sister, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he noted. “Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.” “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?” asked the priest. “Oh, $2,000 a week.” said the old lady. “Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?” questioned the priest. “He is a veterinarian,” she answered. The impressed priest said, “That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?” “Well,” said the lady, “he tells me he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas.”

Ben and Haley had gotten up in years, and their memories weren’t quite what they used to be. They found it beneficial to write things down so as not to forget them. One evening they were sitting in the parlor and Haley said, “Ben, be a dear and go to the kitchen and fix me a dish of ice cream and put some chocolate syrup and peanuts on it. And, Ben, write it down so you don’t forget the peanuts.” “That’s a good idea, Dear.” Ben said, and wrote it on the notepad and headed for the kitchen. Ben was in the kitchen for a while, and returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. Haley looked at it and said, “Oh Ben, you forgot the breakfast toast.”

Top Ten Signs You Are In For A Long Sermon 10. There’s a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler. 9. The pews have camper hookups. 8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today’s sermon. 7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit. 6. The preacher breaks for an intermission. 5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus. 4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet. 3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys. 2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass. And The Number One Sign You Are In For A Long Sermon 1. The minister says, “You’ll be out in time to watch the super bowl” but it’s only September!

A Guide to Investments STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50. BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com. BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell “Broke”. BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you. BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter. MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you’re supposed to be listening to your manager’s presentation. SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn’t actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. “The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I’m a little short this month.”). COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one. YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks. 2. No changing your oil in the street. 3. No loud and wild parties without inviting the manager. 4. You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes each only having no more than 6 cans each. 5. Drunkenness will not be tolerated in the streets prior to 10 am. 6. While outside of your trailer you must be at least partially clothed.* 7. If you prefer to clean your trailer in the nude, please close the curtains. * 8. When bringing in the Jerry Springer or COPS film crews, please provide the management prior written notice so that certain residents may be forewarned. 9. Empty beer bottles should not be discarded on the front lawn. However, they may remain there until you are sober enough to collect them with the understanding you will collect them within 7 days whether sober or not. 10. When bringing dates home to your trailer, please be advised that in the event the sidewalks need to be repaired or replaced due to the weight of your date, you will be responsible for all cost incurred. Note* (Exemptions to rules 6 & 7 may be provided to women between the ages of 18 and 35. Please submit a photograph to the manager for approval.) Following these simple rules should make your stay in our trailer park more enjoyable for everyone.

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.) –Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side. –Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side). –Line the bottom of your envelope with elmer’s glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn’t open it and the extractor has to open it by hand. –If your very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check. –On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms. –Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to read and stamped regardless of what it is or what its on. –Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack. –When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZi form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess. –If you send 2 checks they’ll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form. –Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away. –Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and then date stamped. NOTE: These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the man. These methods are only recommended when you owe money One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.

Efficiency Expert An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.” “Why not?” asked somebody from the audience. “I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’” “Did it save time?” the person in the audience asked. “Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?” Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?” The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.” “That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?” The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?” “You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud. “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?” “No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

Ways To Confuse Your Roommate 1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest any time your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Big Mac” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. 2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate’s head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning. 3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, “Hooray! You’re back!” as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, “Shouldn’t you be going somewhere?” 4. Trash the room when your roommate’s not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, “Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again.” 5. Every time you see your roommate yell, “You son of a…” and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream. 6. Set your roommate’s bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you’ve been watching too much “Punk’d”. Do it again. Tell him/her that you’re not sorry because this time, they deserved it. 7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you’ve been having terrible nightmares. 8. Eat lots of “Lucky Charms.” Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can’t say anything more, or you’ll have to face the consequences. 9. Set up meetings with your roommate’s faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same. 10. “Drink” a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

Notes To The Rural Milkman “Dear Milkman, I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.” “Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.” “Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it” “Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.” “Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.” “Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.” “When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.” “Please knock. My television’s broken down and I missed last nights ‘Sopranos.’ If you saw it, will you tell me what happened.” “My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle.” “Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.” “Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.” “From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.” “My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight.” “Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday…or is it today?” “When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don’t leave any milk.” “No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.”

A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn’t send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they’d take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man’s bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

After teaching high school for nearly 20 years, I thought I’d heard every possible excuse for missing homework until one parent sent me this note: “Please excuse Lori for not having her algebra homework. The cat had kittens on it last night.”

Note: This riddle must be done In your head and not using paper and a pen. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total? (scroll down for answer) // \ // \ // \ // \ // \ // \ Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don’t believe it? Check with your calculator!

Big Checks and Banking Woes The girl came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!” she cried. “I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad. “You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.” “What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the world,” he said. “Surely there must be some mistake.” “I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”

How to write a College Paper 1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it. 3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. 4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn’t started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him. 5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. 7. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate. 8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. 9. Listen to one of your favorite CDs and that’s it, I mean it, as soon as it’s over you are going to start that paper. 10. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order. 11. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he’s started writing yet. Exchange remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large. 12. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 13. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor. 14. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler’s Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche. 15. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26. 16. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot. 17. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror. 18. Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is. 19. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. 20. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall. 21. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 22. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the thrill of it. 23. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. 24. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

Why did the soprano singer have a headache? They had been hitting too many high notes!

How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they’ll need a ladder to reach the high notes!

Why did the piccolo player wear a hat during the concert? To keep the notes from flying out of their head!

What’s six inches long has a big purple head on it and sends women crazy?A twenty pound note!

As the doctor went through my notes, he said, “The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection.”I said, “How come?” He said, “Well, your wife is very ugly!”

A woman walked into the bank with a £5 note sticking out of her left ear and a £10 note sticking out of her right ear.The clerk was a bit confused but the bank manager said, “It’s OK, that’s Mrs Taylor. She’s £15 in her ears!”

I once went to a lecture about counterfeiting money…Can’t remember much about it though. We weren’t allowed to make notes!

Has anyone else noted the trend where people name their kids stuff they can’t afford:Mercedes Diamond Chardonnay Rent Gas Electric

Please make sure you don’t make the same mistake I did leaving Alexa switched on before having sex…On an unrelated note does anyone want to buy 13 jars of cumin?

I’ve just driven behind a BMW that let someone out and used indicators…Naturally, I took a note of the reg and reported it stolen!

Shopkeepers can be so suspicious that £50 notes are fake, so I often use two £25 notes instead!

“Sorry I’m late home,” I said as I arrived back from work. “Some bloke had lost a £50 note in Tesco.”“Were you helping him look for it?” asked my wife.“No. I was standing on it!”

FACT: In London 80% of bank notes already have Charlie on them!

Last night I came out of a nightclub and was approached by a Thai woman.She gave me a cheeky wink and said, “Blowjob, £20?”I said, “Yeah, alright,” and lead her into the alley.I soon realised my mistake when she handed me two £10 notes and started pulling up her skirt!

Caught the wife dipping a pile of £10 and £20 notes in batter, then deep frying them…I said, “I wish you wouldn’t fritter all our money away like that!”

I stopped at the services on the M6 last night for a sandwich, a Mars bar and a Diet Coke.I went to pay and apologised to the cashier that I only had a £50 note.She said, “It’s ok, just put the Mars bar back!”

For sale…Authentic FIFA World Cup ball…Item is used as I found it in my garden…Serious offers only…Please note it has a bit of dribble on it!

“Sorry I’m late home,” I said as I arrived back from work. “Some bloke had lost a £20 note in Tesco.”“Were you helping him look for it?” asked my wife.“No, I was standing on it!”

I see the same homeless man scribbling furiously in a notebook every day on my way to work. This morning I stopped to ask him his story. “I am Stephen King’s older brother,” he said. “He stole the ideas for all of his novels from me.” I replied, “Surely you must be Joe.”

Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”

When my grandkid loses his 1st tooth, I’m putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure.

Try this for fun: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people’s cars saying “Sorry for the damage.” Watching them is priceless.

I had my identity stolen once. The next day I found it on my doorstep with a note saying, “F@ck you, you can keep it.”

Because of texting, today’s generation has no idea of the horror felt when get caught passing a note in class and having the teacher make you read it out loud!

Found a note on my door today that said “You’re Awesome!” (: I’m the one that wrote it. But still… feels fucking good!

PLEASE NOTE…The charity event tonight for men that can not ejaculate as been cancelled. . There’s just not enough people coming

BBC NEWS: Government plans to ban all Internet porn. On an unrelated note, does anyone want to buy a laptop?

Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, “It’s not working. I cant take it anymore, I’m going to moms” I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?

Guys, for Valentine’s Day leave 3 notes scattered around your house for your girlfriend that say “Will”, “you”, and “me.” That’ll keep her busy while you watch sports.