Orange Jokes

What?s orange and rhymes with parrot? Carrot

Q: What is blue, green, red, yellow, purple, orange, black, brown, and gray? A: A box of crayons.

Q: How do you catch an orange elephant? A: I don’t know. I’ve never seen an orange elephant.

What is blue, green, red, yellow, purple, orange, black, brown, and gray? A box of crayons.

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A. 2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning. 3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On the 105 or 110, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered “Wussy.” 4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. L A has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Malibu, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way. 5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. 6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot. 7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of L A and Orange counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting. 8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks,dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires,cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items. 9. Mapquest does not work here — none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the freeway off and on ramps are moved each night. 10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally activated.” 11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot. 12. Do not try to estimate travel time — just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

A man worked at an orange juice factory, but he was canned because he couldn’t concentrate.

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. “Sid,” asked Al, “Are there any Jews in China?” “I don’t know,” Sid replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?” When the waiter came by, Al asked him, “Are there any Chinese Jews?” “I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No Chinese Jews.” “Are you sure?” Al asked. “I will check again, sir.” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.” When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Chinese Jews.” “Are you really sure?” Al asked again. “I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.” “Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated. “We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews!”

How do you catch an orange elephant? I don’t know. I’ve never seen an orange elephant.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Apple, Orange, and Banana. Apple, Orange, and Banana who? Apple, Orange and Banana run away, get in their car, drive home, order pizza, eat dinner, brush their teeth, and go to bed.

A polar bear walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a large orange juice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . on the rocks.” The bartender served the juice and said, “Here it is, but why the big pause?” “I don’t know,” the polar bear replied. “I’ve always had them.”

Why You Should Never, Ever, Question A Drunk… I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk A carton of eggs A quart of orange juice A head of lettuce A 2 lb. can of coffee A 1 lb. package of bacon As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ‘You must be single.’ I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , ‘Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?’ The drunk replied, ‘Cause you’re ugly.

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and the receptionist gives the groom a key to the bridal suite. The whole evening, the people in the next room are phoning down to the main desk to complain about the moaning, which doesn’t stop for one minute the whole night. The next morning at 6 a.m., the groom calls room service. “Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?” “Sure, what would you like?” asks room service. The groom says, “Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night, so you’d better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast, and 6 liters of orange juice.” Room service replies, “Gee, that’s quite an appetite you have there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?” “No, that’s just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?” Room service asks, “Why six pieces of lettuce?” The groom replies, “I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit too!”

Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said “Please give me a prescription for the Pill.” “I don’t think you need the Pill at your age.” “It relaxes me.” “But you know the ‘purpose’ of the Pill. It’s not for relaxing,” exclaimed the physician. “I know,” said Mrs Ogden, “but my daughter dates, and every morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel more relaxed.

A man worked at an orange juice factory, but he was canned becausehe couldn’t concentrate.

It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “But what’s the dollar for?” “Well,” she said, “Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea.”

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?” Yes, they help me sleep at night. ” “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep! She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes, dear,I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . . and believe me, it helps me sleep at night. ” You gotta love Grandmas!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

Knock knock. Who’s there? Apple, Orange, and Banana. Apple, Orange, and Banana who? Apple, Orange and Banana run away, get in their car, drive home, order pizza, eat dinner, brush their teeth, and go to bed.

There’s a way of telling the sex of an orange…If it squirts in your eye without warning, It’s male.It it’s bitter for no apparent reason, It’s female!

My mate said I wasn’t a true cockney, so I pushed him down the apples and oranges!

My wife said, “Nothing rhymes with orange.”I said, “No it doesn’t!”

I was in Tesco today and asked the worker where the orange juice was. He said, “I’ll see,” and walked off. As he hadn’t come back after a while I asked someone else and she said, “I’ll see.” When she didn’t come back I went hunting myself and eventually found it in aisle C!

I played in a game of rugby against the local womans team. I got pulled off at half time…We normally just get oranges!

I know it’s hot but the next person that asks me for a pineapple juice a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a punch!

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned … couldn’t concentrate.

I just tried drinking orange juice with pulp in it and I finally understand why women don’t like to

Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?

You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!

I had a hard time working at the orange juice factory. I just couldn’t concentrate.

I dreamt about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

A man was rushed to hospital after choking on a handful of chocolate-coated toffees, orange cremes and raisins…He was pronounced dead on A Revel!

My knob turned a horrible shade of orange and I was really concerned, so I called 111.“What were you doing when you noticed the colour?” the nurse asked.“Well nothing much,” I replied. “Just sitting around, watching porn and eating Wotsits!”

I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

What rhymes with orange…No it dosen’t.

I took a course in Mandarin, but it was a complete rip off!2 years in and I still can’t speak to oranges.

I was on a plane, and the air hostess came up to me and saidWould you care for an orange juice?I replied if it needed me to.

My wife said nothing rhymes with orange, I said no it doesn’t.