Painting Jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said…. FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price? Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon. Customer: What’s the difference in the paint? Clerk: Oh, there isn’t any difference; it’s all the same paint. Customer: Well, then I’d like some of that $12 paint. Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint? Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It’s my day off. Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint. Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint? Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday. Customer: You’ve got to be *&%^#@* kidding! Clerk: I’ll check and see if we have any paint available. Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it! Clerk: But it doesn’t mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don’t have any more $12 paint. Customer: The price went up as we were talking? Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven’t actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want? Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I’ll have enough. Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can’t do that. If you buy paint and don’t use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have. Customer: WHAT? Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint. Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it! Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don’t, it causes us all sorts of problems. Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don’t keep painting until after Saturday night! Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint. Customer: But what are all these, “Paint on sale from $10 a liter” signs? Clerk: Well that’s for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans. Customer: To hell with this! I’ll buy what I need somewhere else! Clerk: I don’t think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won’t be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon. Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200! Clerk: That’s if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different. Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you’ll confiscate the remaining paint. Clerk: No, we’ll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you’re getting it now, sir. Customer: You’re insane! Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

Zack was painting a tilt-in window when the latch gave way and the glass broke on his head. His cuts were minor but the bleeding was profuse. The paramedics arrived with screaming sirens and were followed by two squad cars and an ambulance. After they bandaged the victim’s head, it was decided that he should go with them to the hospital for stitches. As the blood-spattered painter was being led from his house, his wife saw a crowd of onlookers gathered across the street. Never at a loss for words, the wife called loudly to Zack, “Next time you’ll eat what I cook!”

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. “Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.” “Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.” “No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian.”

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said…. FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

A blonde who’s down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighborhood looking for odd jobs to do for money when she approaches a large house. She goes up the steps, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door.The owner then asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck, and is wondering if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting his porch repainted. He asks the blonde if she paints. The blonde says, “Sure! Anything.” The man replies “Well, I’ve been wanting my porch painted, how much would you charge?” “I don’t know, say $50 bucks.” the blonde says. “Sounds good. Go ahead and get started.” The man says while handing her the supplies and closing the door. His wife asks him, “Who was at the door?” He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks. The astonished wife says, “$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more.” “But that’s all she said she wanted, and anyway she’s a dumb blonde!” 10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the blonde stands there and says, “All done.” With a surprised look on his face, the man says “I can’t believe it, you’re already done painting the entire porch?!”The blonde replies “Yes, and by the way it’s not a porch it’s a Ferrari.”

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She’s laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: “All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?” The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”

Recently someone nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out, and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a foolish error, he replied, “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She’s laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: “All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?” The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She’s laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: “All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?” The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”

On a spring break trip to Italy, my friends and I were standing just inside St. Peter’s Basilica, the second largest church in the world. The tour guide explained, “This church is so large that no man on earth could hit a baseball from one end to the other, not Lou Gehrig, Babe Ruth, or even Mark McGuire.” My group stared in silence at the beautiful marble sculptures, intricate paintings, and glorious mosaics all around the enormous building. Then one girl interrupted the silence with an astonished question: “You mean, they actually let them hit baseballs in here?”

The Garden of Eden A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. “Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.” “Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.” “No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian.”

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. “Well, I have good news and bad news,” the owner responded. “The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings.” “That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?” “The gentleman was your doctor.”

A blonde, a brunettes and a redhead all tried out for the same job painting road stripes. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job. At the end of the first day the redhead had painted 3 miles, the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles. The boss was so exited he told her to keep it up and the job was hers. The next day the redhead painted 5 miles, the brunette 5.6 miles and the blonde 4 miles. The boss told her not to worry, “You still have a good lead. So, on the third day the redhead had painted 6 miles, the brunette 5 miles and the blonde only one mile. The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde, “What went wrong, you were doing so good.” She said, “Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away.”

Funeral costs are so bloody expensive these days…At my mother-in-law’s, after paying for the bouncy castle and pony rides, I could barely afford the face-painting!

“Right class,” said the teacher. “Who can make a sentence with the word ‘contagious’?”Little Johnny threw up his hand excitedly.“Yes, Johnny?”“My dad saw our neighbour painting his fence with a little brush, and said it’ll take the contageous!”

Did my first nude painting this morning…The neighbours weren’t happy but the front door looks great!

Did my first nude painting yesterday…The neighbours weren’t happy but the front door looks great!

Phew. I’ve just finished painting every room in the house. It took months…The Estate Agent said I should have just taken photographs!

Just finished painting my bedroom in under ten minutes using vinyl Surely that’s some kind of record.

My fine art and fragrances business has failed. The perfumes sold well, but I didn’t really know how to market the paintings I’d bought. I’ve got more Monet than scents

I found an old unframed oil painting in my loft yesterday of a beautiful naked lady so i mounted it

Did you hear about the man going around painting peoples houses illegally?They caught him red handed.