Parrot Jokes

What?s orange and rhymes with parrot? Carrot

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack a strange voice echoed from the dark, saying: “JESUS IS WATCHING YOU” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “JESUS IS WATCHING YOU”. Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot. “Yep” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you!” The burglar relaxed……..”Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?” “Moses”, replied the bird. “Moses”! the burglar laughed. “What kind of stupid people would name a parrot “Moses”? The bird promptly replied “Probably the same kind of people who would name their Rottweiler “Jesus”…

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week. However, there was a problem – the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show: “Look, it’s not the same hat.” “Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself, with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another. Finally, after a week the parrot said, “OK, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?”

Guy walks into a petshop and sees three parrots, priced $500.-, $1,500.-, $2,500.- and $30,000.-, so he asks the owner, “Hey why are those parrots so expensive ?” “Well,” says the owner, “that first one can speak english, german and mandarin perfectly and translates any sentence you desire, from one language into another.” “What about the second one ?” “Well, that parrot not only knows four languages, but can also type business letters using a computer” “And the third one ?” “Oh, that one can speak seven languages, use the computer, e-mail, internet and does online research for you.” “Amazing ! And what about the last one ?”, says the guy. “Oh ! … that one doesn’t do anything at all. Just sits there all day long.” “Then why is it so expensive ?!?!?!” The owner takes the guy to the side and whispers, “Well, I haven’t seen it do anything, but the other three parrots call it BOSS”.

Q: What do get if you cross a parrot and a crocodile? A: An animal that talks your head off.

Q: What do you get when you cross a caterpillar and a parrot? A: A walkie-talkie.

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, “I had a big house built for Mama.” The second said, ” I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house.” The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.” The fourth said, “You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.” The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.” “Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.” “Michael, you gave me and expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.” “Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.”

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911. “You gotta help me find my parrot!” The operator patiently replied, “We can’t help you with that, ma’am. This number only deals with emergencies.” However, the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days. Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, “But you don’t understand! The only thing he says is ‘Here, kitty, kitty’!!!”

Q: What do you call a parrot that flew away? A: A polygon!

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!” “Don’t worry,” said the Auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, “Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?” The parrot says, “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.” “Holy crap,” the guy replies. “You actually understood and answered me!” “I got every word,” says the parrot. “I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.” “Oh yeah?” the guy asks, “Then answer this — how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?” “Well,” the parrot says, “this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.” “Wow,” says the guy. “You really can understand and speak English can’t you?” “Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.” The guy looks at the $200 price tag. “Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.” “Pssssssst,” says the parrot, “I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!” The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot issensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, “psssssssssssst,” and motions him over with one wing. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.” “What are you talking about?” asks the guy. “When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately.” “WHAT???” the guy asks incredulously. “THEN what happened?” “Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,” reported the parrot. “Oh No!,” he exclaims. “Then what?” “Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down….” “WELL,” demands the frantic guy, “THEN WHAT HAPPENED?” “Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!”

What do you call a starving parrot? A polynomial!

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!” “Don’t worry,” said the Auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn’t accommodate her with an “after-hours” appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won’t bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!” Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts. As he was ready to leave, he couldn’t resist saying, “You stupid bird, why don’t you shut up!” To which the bird replied, “Killer, get him!!!”

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911. “You gotta help me find my parrot!” The operator patiently replied, “We can’t help you with that, ma’am. This number only deals with emergencies.” However, the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days. Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, “But you don’t understand! The only thing he says is ‘Here, kitty, kitty’!!!”

What do you call a parrot that flew away? A polygon!

As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: “And get ME a coke…NOW!” The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot’s attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: “Get me another coke or I’ll really create a scene!” Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I’ll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian teaparty!” The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: “You’re pretty cheeky for a guy who can’t fly!”

Two Fools Flying Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms. After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground. Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, “I don’t think much of this budgie jumping.” The other moron replies, “Yeah, I’m not too keen on this paragliding either.”

A Blonde went into a pet shop and asked the owner if he had any parrots. The owner replied, “Sorry, I don’t have any at the moment.” “Damn and blast!” said the blonde, “I have been invited to a fancy dress party for the first time in my life, and I have been told to be as authentic as possible, hence the need for the parrot.” explained the Blond. “Well,” said the owner, “if you come back here next week, specifically on Thursday, I am expecting a shipment from South America and I’ll be able to supply you with a parrot, guaranteed,” “Damn and blast!” said the blonde, “I can’t come on that day or for some time after.” “Why not?” Asked the owner. “Because that is the day I’m having my leg amputated!”

This postman is working on a new beat. He comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT! He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there’s a parrot sitting on its perch. He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch. He opens the gate and walks into the garden. He gets as far as the parrot’s perch, when suddenly, it calls out: “REX, ATTACK!”

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, “It smells fishy around here.”

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!” “Don’t worry,” said the auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you,” Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot. “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you,” The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?” “Moses,” replied the bird. The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses’?” “The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus’.”

True or False 1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. 2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton. 3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs. 4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more. 5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart! 6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties. 7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. 8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old. 9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. 10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498. 11. The average housefly lives for one month. 12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. 13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. 14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. 15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day. 16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep. 17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water. 18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot. 19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in “An Officer and a Gentleman” and “Tootsie”. 20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem. 21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk. 22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash. 23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor. 24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery. 25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins. 26. If coloring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green. Answers: All of the above are true. Don’t you just love number sixteen?

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’” “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. “You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, an we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying…that phrase…in no time.” “Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.” The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

Sad news, my obese parrot died today…Mind you, it’s a huge weight off my shoulders!

Ate a parrot for breakfast…It’s repeating on me now!

I went into the pet shop and asked for a taller stand for my parrot.I wanted to get it now and pay for it later but the owner said, “I’m sorry but I don’t do higher perches!”

Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other, “Can you smell fish?”

Been a tough day today as I’ve had some sad news. My obese parrot died…The only good to come out of this is it’s a huge weight off my shoulders!

I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.

If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot.” you are wasting everybody’s time.

Two parrots are standing on a perch. One says to the other “Can you smell fish?”

Retrospective baddadjoke: Why are there no pain killers in the jungle? Because parrots-eat-em-all

What did one bird say to the other cheating parrot? Toucan play at that game.

Why are there no pain killers in the jungle? Because parrots-eat-em-all

My obese parrot died today…It is however, a huge weight off my shoulders!

My mother-in-law recently bought a talking parrot, but after a week she said she was taking it back. “This parrot hasn’t said anything!” she complained. “I haven’t had a fucking chance yet!” replied the parrot.

Somebody broke into my house and only stole my coffee, my lamp and my parrot.I don’t know how they sleep at night.

Sad news, my obese parrot died today.Mind you, it’s a huge weight off my shoulders.

Sad news, my obese parrot died today.Mind you, it’s a huge weight off my shoulders.

Unfortunately, my obese parrot just died.But it’s a huge weight off my shoulders.