Paste Jokes

At first, I didn’t think this qualified as a joke, then I checked my bank balance! For the record, I am in no way responsible for the accuracy of these figures, I just paste ’em as I finds ’em!! Michael Jordan having “retired,” with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not. If he s 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you ‘d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600. This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn’t it? However… If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

How do you fix a broken pizza? Use tomato paste.

What is a dentist’s favorite musical instrument? A tuba toothpaste.

Q: How do you fix a broken pizza? A: Use tomato paste.

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify her request. The blonde came to the door and the milkman says “I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk.” “Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?” The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath.” The milkman asked, “You want it pasteurized?” The blonde said, “No, just up to my nipples.”

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?” The blonde said, “I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.” The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?” The blonde said, “No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes.”

Q: What is a dentist’s favorite musical instrument? A: A tuba toothpaste.

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?” The blonde said, “No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.” The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?” The blonde said, “No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes.”

Here’s a Plan About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess ship. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back. As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, “I understand you’ve been on this ship for the last four cruises.” She replied, “Yes, that’s true.” I stated, “I don’t understand” and she replied, without a pause, “It’s cheaper than a nursing home.” So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for: 1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day. 2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week). 3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night. 4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo. 5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. 6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days. 7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience. 8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don’t even have to ask for them. 9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don’t look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship. P.S. And don’t forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

I’ve mashed up some Frosties and milk into a paste then used it to fill the gaps inbetween my tiles…They’re grrrrrrrrrrout!

I’ve just mushed up a load of Frosties and milk into a paste and used it to fill the gaps between my tiles…They’re grrrrrrrout!

100 prostitutes are currently in a double blind study of leading toothpastes when used inside the sugar walls of their vaginas. … … Older prostitutes are particularly interested in finding out which toothpaste is the most effective at reducing cavities.

What musical instrument can be found in nearly every Bathroom? … … A tuba toothpaste.

I’ve heard rumors that desperate prostitutes use Crest Toothpaste to reduce cavities.

Please copy and paste this to your status if you’re constantly being asked to copy and paste things to your status by friends who copy and paste things to their status. Many people won’t copy and paste this, but my truly sarcastic friends will copy and paste it, because they know this was copied and pasted from a dear friend in need of more stuff to copy and paste. And if you don’t copy and paste it, then this means you hate puppies and bacon. And if you hate bacon, the terrorists win.

PLEASE PEOPLE: Don’t forget to “like” before you copy & paste. Thank you.

God made us all different. But when He got to China He thought…to hell with it… Copy, paste, copy, paste

I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said Copy’ the other Paste’. That made my day.

I don’t have a problem sharing my funny stuff with ya’ll here as you c0py & paste to your Facebook, it’s the damn Twitter crew I can’t stand with their self righteousness and egos.

Graduation speech: I would like to thank Wikipedia, and copy/paste. I’m out bitc$es

Everyday, I brush my teeth & say “That’s it. You can’t squeeze anymore toothpaste out of this tube.” Then everyday, I do.

I love when people say to me… Omg! Your so funny on FB. If they only knew about my awesome copy & paste ability..They could be just as funny!

My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she prolly meant baking soda….but I disagree.

When my toothpaste fell to the floor, I was crestfallen.

Whilst on a ladder putting a cinema poster up, a lady came to me and asked, “Is King Kong coming?”I said, “No it’s just the paste off my brush!”

What flavour is the toothpaste in jail?Imprisonmint.

Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in the universe?Before you see it, it’s already pasteurized.