Patio Jokes

What is Irish and stays on your patio, even when it rains? Patty O’Furniture.

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people can be. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, “How was the trip?” “It was great, Dad.” “Did you see how poor people can be?” the father asked. “Oh Yeah” said the son. “So what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father. The son answered, “I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.” With this the boy’s father was speechless. Then his son added, “Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are.”

It’s the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s mother answers and invites him in. “Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” she says. That’s cool. Peggy Sue’s mother asks Harold what they’re planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie. Peggy Sue’s mother responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.” Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, “Wha…aaat?” “Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s mother, “We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she’d screw all night if we let her!” Harold’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, “Have a good evening kids,” with a small wink for Harold. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: “Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It’s called The Twist!”

It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in. “Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool,” says Bobby. Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue’s father responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.” Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says,”Whaaaat?” “Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s father, “Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!” Bobby’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, “Have a good evening, kids!” About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: “Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It’s called the twist!!”

On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful evening. “Oh. it’s not over yet”, says the husband. Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She opens it in anticipation, “But what are these two little pills?” “Aspirin”, says he. “But I don’t have a headache,” she says. “There you are, I told you the evening wasn’t over yet!”

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?”

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, “Pardon me, ma’am, but may I sit here with you.” The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, “Why certainly,” and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down. For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything. Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, “Ma’am, may I ask you two questions?” With great anticipation Marcia replied, “Why certainly!” The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. “Marcia, I know we’ve only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?” Marcia grabbed at Jimmie’s hands and said, “Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!” She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, “You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?” Jimmie scratched his neck and said, “Will you help me get up?”

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M”. The set “C”, the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set “M”. Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” of profits? Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers. Teaching Math in 2000: By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment. Teaching Math in 2006: A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move? Teaching Math in 2007: A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying costs?

My Mother taught me LOGIC…”If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” My Mother taught me MEDICINE…”If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.” My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…”If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!” My Mother taught me ESP…”Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?” My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…”What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!” My Mother taught me HUMOR…”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…”If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS…”You are just like your father!” My mother taught me about my ROOTS…”Do you think you were born in a barn?” My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…”When you get to be my age, you will understand.” My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…”Just wait until your father gets home.” My mother taught me about RECEIVING…”You are going to get it when we get home.” And, my all-time favorite – JUSTICE…”One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU — then you’ll see what it’s like!”

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?” “Only one kiss per yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk. “That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. “Grandpa pay the man.”

My Mother taught me LOGIC…”If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” My Mother taught me MEDICINE…”If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.” My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…”If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!” My Mother taught me ESP…”Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?” My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…”What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!” My Mother taught me HUMOR…”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…”If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS…”You are just like your father!” My mother taught me about my ROOTS…”Do you think you were born in a barn?” My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…”When you get to be my age, you will understand.” My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…”Just wait until your father gets home.” My mother taught me about RECEIVING…”You are going to get it when we get home.” And, my all-time favorite – JUSTICE…”One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU — then you’ll see what it’s like!”

A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line says, “I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year.” The angel says, “Okay, you may enter.” He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, “I earned $150,000 as an attorney.” The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too. He turns to the third one in line and asks, “What have you done with your life?” The man replies, “I earned $8,000 last year . . .” “Oh,” the angel interrupts. “What did you teach?”

Q: What is Irish and stays on your patio, even when it rains? A: Patty O’Furniture.

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?”

Thought you might enjoy this message I received from one of my more politically oriented friends….. . OUR NATIONAL PRIDE! As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this Saturday at 2:00 PM (ET) all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in Yard chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they think it’s okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God Bless America!

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. “It’s terrible,” she said to the doctor. “I haven’t moved my bowels in more than a week.” “I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor. “Oh, yes,” Aunt Cora replied, “I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night.” “No,” the doctor said, “I mean do you take anything?” “Of course I do.” she answered, “I take a magazine.”

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.” 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.” 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week.” 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why.” 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.” 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.” 7. My mother taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.” 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.” 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?” 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.” 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.” 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!” 13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.” 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your father.” 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.” 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.” 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home.” 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.” 19. My mother taught me ESP. “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?” 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.” 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.” 23. My mother taught me ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?” 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.” 25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.” How many of these did your mother teach? AND how many did you teach your children?

1. Teaching Math In 1950s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? 2. Teaching Math In 1960s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100 His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? 3. Teaching Math In 1970s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? 4. Teaching Math In 1980s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 5. Teaching Math In 1990s A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok.) 6. Teaching Math In 2008 Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la pro ducciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?” “Only one kiss per yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk. “That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. “Grandpa pay the man.”

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M”. The set “C”, the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set “M” Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M”, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” for profits? Teaching Math in 1980:A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers. Teaching Math in 1996:By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment. Teaching Math in 1997:A company out sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000,had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move? Teaching Math in 1998:A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company? Teaching Math in 1999:A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people was trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. At 00:01, 01/01/2000 his cell door automatically opened and he escaped. Should he be allowed to log again? Maybe this should be renamed “progress” ? ? Teaching Math in 2000:In order to clear over grown forest, the U.S. Forest Service sets the forest on fire. A process they call Prescribed Burn. The fire gets out of control and burns peoples homes and threatens a Nuclear Development Center. The Tax payer has to pay to fight the fire. Would logging this area have been a better solution????

Things Only A Mom Can Teach My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…. “Just wait until your father gets home!” My Mother taught me about RECEIVING…. “You are going to get it when we get home!” My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE… “What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you … Don’t talk back to me!” My Mother taught me LOGIC … “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” My Mother taught me MEDICINE…. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, you’re going to freeze that way.” My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD … “If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.” My Mother taught me about ESP… “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold.” My Mother taught me HUMOR … “When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT… “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never growup.” My Mother taught me about SEX… “How do you think you got here?” My Mother taught me about GENETICS…. “You’re just like your father!” My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…. “Do you think you were born in a barn?” My Mother taught me about the WISDOM OF AGE… “When you get to be my age, you will understand.” And my all time favorite … JUSTICE…. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you….then you’ll see what it’s like.”

I’m having a garden sale tomorrow. I’ve got 3 trampolines, 6 patio chairs and 4 fence panels. New stuff arriving all the time! #StormArwen

I’m having a garden sale tomorrow. I’ve got 3 trampolines, 6 patio chairs and 4 fence panels. New stuff arriving all the time! #StormMalik

I’m having a garden sale tomorrow. I’ve got 3 trampolines, 6 patio chairs and 4 fence panels. New stuff arriving all the time! #StormDudley

Constipation: Same shit, different day.

I never thought that eating a bowl of Alphabet Soup could help me overcome constipation. But here I am, in the loo, having a massive vowel movement.

Me: ” Doctor can you die from Constipation” ? I’m a bit worried how full of Shit some people are !”

A German got pulled over by the police in France. Police officer: “Name?” German: “Heinrich Klimt” Police officer: “Age?” German: “31” Police officer: “occupation?” German: “No, no. Just visiting”

I wasn’t sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and sh*t myself.

Homeless guy walking by this bar patio looked at me and said “I’m your future,” and I was like “Sweet, we have a cool beard.”

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I’m having a post hurricane garden sale tomorrow. I’ve got 3 trampolines, 6 patio chairs and 4 fence panels. New stuff arriving all the time!

Putin visits Estonia.Immigration officer says: Name?. Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin.Address? Kremlin, Moscow, Russia.Occupation? No, this time just visiting.

Just learned the word for constipation in German.Farfrompoopen.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.We’ll see about that.

Vladimir Putin is at an airport and is going through customs.Customs officer: Occupation?Putin: No, just visiting.

My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation.It was the hardest dump I ever took.