Pirate Jokes

Q: Why are pirates so popular? A: They just arrrr.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch. The seaman asks “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off.” “Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well…”, replied the pirate, “While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals” “Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eyepatch?” “A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.”, replied the pirate. “You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well…”, said the pirate, “…it was my first day with the hook.”

“Have you heard about the new pirate movie?” “It’s rated aaarrrrrrrr.”

A soldier meets a pirate in a bar and after a few minutes the talk turns to their adventures. The soldier notices that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. “How did you end up with a peg leg?” the soldier asks. The pirate replies, “I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.” “Wow!” says the soldier. “What about your hook?” “Well,” answers the pirate, “we were boarding a ship when one of the enemies chopped off my hand.” “Incredible!” the soldier exclaims, “How’d you get the eye patch?” “A seagull pooped in my eye,” the pirate replies. “You lost your eye to seagull poop?” “Well,” says the pirate, “it was my first day with the new hook.”

What does a pirate drink for breakfast? Arrrrange juice.

Pirate Insurance After many years at sea, a pirate decided to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job, he thought that he should collect on his worker’s compensation insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agent assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related. “How did you get the wooden leg?” asked the agent. In a booming voice the pirate replied, “Me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang ’round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me leg.” The agent replied, “That is certainly work related. How did you lose your hand?” “Well matey, me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang’round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me hand,”said the pirate. “That’s also work related. Now how did you lose your eye?” asked the agent. The pirate replied, “Well matey, I was laying on the deck one balmy day catching some rays when this seagull flew by and dropped his duty right in me eye!” “What does that have to do with the loss of your eye?” said the agent. “Well, y’see,” he replied, “It were the first day with me hook!”

What has 2 eyes, 2 belly buttons and 2 legs? 2 pirates.

Why are pirates so mean? I don’t know they jusr Arrrrrrrr!

Where does a pirate go on vacation? Arrrrrland.

How much did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced? a buck an ear

What is a horny pirate’s worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty.

Q: How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A: A buck an ear.

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, “Come over here friend. You look like you’ve had a hard life and I’d like to buy you a drink.” The pirate came over and ordered rum. “Just out of curiosity,” the man said, “how did you lose your leg?” “Arrrgh!” said the pirate, “I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man’s rum.” “That’s just terrible. How did you lose your hand?” the man said. “Arrrgh!” said the pirate, “I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk.” ” Oh my!” the man said, “I can’t even imagine! How did you lose your eye?” “Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!” said the pirate. “A seagull!” the man exclaimed. “Is seagull poop dangerous?!” he asked. “Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook…”

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, “Come over here friend. You look like you’ve had a hard life and I’d like to buy you a drink.” The pirate came over and ordered rum. “Just out of curiosity,” the man said, “how did you lose your leg?” “Arrrgh!” said the pirate, “I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man’s rum.” “That’s just terrible. How did you lose your hand?” the man said. “Arrrgh!” said the pirate, “I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk.” “Oh my!” the man said, “I can’t even imagine! How did you lose your eye?” “Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!” said the pirate. “A seagull!” the man exclaimed. “Is seagull poop dangerous?!” he asked. “Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook…”

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?” The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.” The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!”

How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.

Ye Know Ye’re a Pirate When …you prefer cheap rum instead of expensive wine. …you think that the proper way to greet kings at events is: “Arrh, ye peacock, give me yer money or I ll burn yer tent!” …you’re planning to purchase a large cannon with the explanation: “Who knows? Maybe some day we go to camping.” …you get thrown out of meetings cause you know too much about “slithering throats, ARRH!”. …the people at work starts to talk about you as the guy who puts jolly rogers on everything. …people stand WAAY back when your household starts to pull out rapiers, sabres, cutlasses and daggers. …you get really angry when the person next to you at the bancuette, who claims to be a pirate, doesn’t know anything about “loading guns with rusty nails” and you challenge him to a cutlass duel, he turns up and then runs away cause you brought your real cutlass. …your topic for the evening is smuggling, and your fellows listen politely until you mention “fast motor boats” and starts complaining about how the price on silk has gone down.

BREAKING: All Pirates have been asked to self isolate due to sudden increases in the Arrr rate!

How can you tell if a treasure map was written by a pirate chicken?Eggs marks the spot!

I once took the p out of a pirate…It made him very angry!

A ruthless pirate killed his wife and buried her alongside the treasure…Now his ex marks the spot!

My ancestors were pirates and hid a stash of buried treasure.The trouble is, instead of marking the spot with an X, they used a G…Can’t find it!

What do you get if you cross a pirate with a paedophile?Aaarrrggh Kelly!

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?Aye Matey.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?Aye matey

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s wheel on his belt buckle. Bartender: What’s that on your belt? Pirate: Arrr, It’s drivin’ me nuts!

You should always fear a pirate duck.He has the power to unleash the quackin.

Why can’t pirates finish the alphabet?They get lost at C.

How much did the pirate pay to get his piercings?About a buccaneer.

Why don’t pirates travel on mountain roads?‘Scurvy.

What the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?One buries his treasure, and the other treasures his berries!

Why don’t pirates shower before walking the plank?They just wash up on shore.

Why couldn’t the pirate learn the alphabet?He got lost at C.