Pizza Jokes

Three railroad construction workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch. “Man,” the Chinese man says. “If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I’ll kill myself.” “Man,” the Italian says. “If I get another slice of pizza in my lunch, I’ll kill myself.” “Man,” the redneck says. “If I get another ham ‘n’ cheese sandwich in my lunch, I’ll kill myself.” The next day, all three men get the same lunches, and they all three throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral, everybody’s crying. “This is all my fault!” says the Chinese man’s wife. “If only I hadn’t packed an egg roll that day.” “This is all my fault!” says the Italian’s wife. “If only I hadn’t packed a slice of pizza that day.” “Don’t look at me,” says the redneck’s wife. “He packed his own lunch.”

How do you reduce wind-drag on a musician’s car? Take the Domino’s Pizza sign off the roof

Q: What kind of pizza do pilots like? A: Plain.

How do you fix a broken pizza? Use tomato paste.

“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.” “I love cats…they taste just like chicken” “Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.” “Cover me. I’m changing lanes.” “As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools” “Happiness is a belt-fed weapon” “Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.” “Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.” “I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. …Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….” “Montana – At least our cows are sane!” “The gene pool could use a little chlorine.” “I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.” “Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!” “It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.” “When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.” “I took an IQ test and the results were negative.” “If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?” “Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!” “It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.” “Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!” “Forget about World Peace….. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!” “Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.” “Give me ambiguity or give me something else.” “We are bom naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.” “Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.” “He who laughs last thinks slowest”

Q: How do you fix a broken pizza? A: Use tomato paste.

How do you get a bass player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

I rang up a pizza shop and asked “do you deliver?” they repiled “no we do pizza”.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Apple, Orange, and Banana. Apple, Orange, and Banana who? Apple, Orange and Banana run away, get in their car, drive home, order pizza, eat dinner, brush their teeth, and go to bed.

10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address. 9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is “Hi, what’s your URL?” 8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail. 7. You’re amazed to find out spam is a food. 6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you. 5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest. 4. You introduce your wife as “my lady@home.wife” and refer to your children as “client applications”. 3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server”. 2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, “I feel so “colon-right parentheses!” And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek: 1. Two Words: “Pizza’s Here!”

What kind of pizza do pilots like? Plain.

Top Ten Signs You Are In For A Long Sermon 10. There’s a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler. 9. The pews have camper hookups. 8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today’s sermon. 7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit. 6. The preacher breaks for an intermission. 5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus. 4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet. 3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys. 2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass. And The Number One Sign You Are In For A Long Sermon 1. The minister says, “You’ll be out in time to watch the super bowl” but it’s only September!

Ways to Get Your Neighbor to Move 1. Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don’t have a phone. 2. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and scream, “I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!” Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones. 3. Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (i.e., chairs, books, lamps, etc.) 4. Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, “Mine are full of bodies,” then stutter and say, “I uh mean other garbage,” walk away laughing hysterically. 5. Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards. 6. At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, “looks like they’re on the move again.” 7. When they’re watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too. 8. Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors. Each day hack off a different part of their body. 9. Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.) 10. Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances.

A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to demonstrate his decision making ability and wanted to immediately take action to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, ‘How much money do you make a week?’ A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, ‘I make $300 a week. Why?’ The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, ‘Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE and don’t come back.’ Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, ‘Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?’ From across the room came a voice, ‘Yeah, he’s the delivery guy from Domino’s Pizza.

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: “What is the usual tip?” “Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.” “Is that so?” snorted Mr. Smith. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.” “Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.” “What are you studying in school?” asked Larry. The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology.”

Knock knock. Who’s there? Apple, Orange, and Banana. Apple, Orange, and Banana who? Apple, Orange and Banana run away, get in their car, drive home, order pizza, eat dinner, brush their teeth, and go to bed.

I heard that a budget Pizza chain is offering its restaurants up as Covid vaccination centres…Jab at the Hut!

At a takeaway last night I ordered a Spicy Chicken 12″ pizza.The guy said, “Do you want it cut into 10 pieces?”I said, “No, 4 pieces will do. I’ll never eat 10!”

I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy…She still regrets letting me name the kids!

How does Rocky eat his pizza?Sliced, alone!

“Excuse me waiter, I didn’t order bacon bits on my pizza.”“No it’s not bacon. The chef just has eczema!”

I was sitting in a pizza restaurant when a couple started arguing.I don’t normally take sides but they were so distracted that I took his coleslaw and her fries!

I couldn’t get a taxi home last night so I went to a pizza shop and ordered a delivery to my address and got in with the delivery driver!£13.50 for pizza, kebab and a taxi home. I’m a genius!

My wife burnt her Hawaiian pizza…I told her she should have put it on aloha temperature!

A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months, and used me as her sex slave.One day she forgot to lock the door and I thought, “This is my chance!”So I ran upstairs and grabbed the phone.Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement!

I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist. I rushed outside yelling, “Let me through, let me through!”A man at the front said, “Thank God for that, are you a Doctor?” I said, “No, that’s my fucking pizza!”

I beat my wife at dominos the other night. She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. Should have put it on aloha setting.

I burned my Hawaiian pizza today… I shoulda cooked it at aloha temperature.