Plane Jokes

This year, I resolve to … 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you think. 4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow. 6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast. 7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the Tl. 8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine. 9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did. 10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. 11. Not have eight children at once. 12. Get in a whole NEW rut! 13. Start being superstitious. 14. Personal goal: bring back disco. 15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura. 16. Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings. 17. Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash. 18. Speak in a monotone voice and only use mono-syllabic words. 19. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms. 20. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace. 21. Not eat cloned meat. 22. Create loose ends. 23. Get more toys. 24. Get further in debt. 25. Not believe politicians. 26. Break at least one traffic law. 27. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice. 28. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases. 29. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet. 30. Stay off the MIR space station. 31. Not worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world. 32. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home. 33. Not swim with pirhanas or sharks. 34. Associate with even worse business clients. 35. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them. 36. Not take spaceship rides behind comets. 37. Not try to escape from a maximum security prison. 38. Wait around for opportunity. 39. Focus on the faults of others. 40. Mope about my faults. 41. Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!”

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him on board the airplane. About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. “Are you okay, sir?” asked the stewardess “Yes, I’m fine,” said the man. Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. “Are you sure you’re alright sir?” “Yes,” said the man, “but I have a confession to make. I didn’t have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants.” “What’s wrong?” asked the stewardess. “Is he not housebroken?” “No, that’s not the problem. The problem is he’s not weaned yet!”

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH MY GOD!” Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot’s preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft’s latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. As he’s left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, “Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I’m going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished.” Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, “Sir, with all due respect, I’m not your son; I’m an Airman in the United States Air Force. I’ve been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it’s two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?”

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, “Hey where am I?” To this, the solitary office worker replies, “You’re in a plane.” The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. “Simple,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East.”

A terrible plane crash occurred in Lithuania last week. A two-seater airplanecrash landed in a cemetery and exploded. They’ve recovered 300 bodies so far,and they’re still digging them up.

My wife went to the East Indies for her holidays. Jakarta? No, she went by plane.

“My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.” “I called the suicide hot line yesterday and, when I told him how much money I lost in the market, he told me to just go ahead and do it.” “Raising a child is like baking a cake – by the time you find out it’s a disaster, it’s too late.” “Love is not blind — it simply enables one to see things others fail to see.” “Blondes are noticed but redheads are never forgotten.” “If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end-to-end around the equator, it would be a good idea to leave them there.” “A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.” “I had someone ask for an aisle seat on the plane so that their hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.”

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats aroundhim. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?” The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose.”

Two vultures boarded an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looked at them and said, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion per passenger is allowed.”

A rich business man wakes up one morning to hear the voice of God in his head. “I WANT YOU TO SELL EVERYTHING YOU HAVE” boomed the celestial voice. The business man feels that God must have some purpose for him in life so he gets on the phone and sells all his property, his cars, his business. No sooner has he cashed the check for all he had sold than God speaks to him again. “I WANT YOU TO GO TO LAS VEGAS AND PLACE ALL YOUR MONEY ON ONE HAND OF BLACKJACK”. The business man hops on a plane and lands in Las Vegas, walks into a casino, goes up to a black jack table and places his many millions on one hand. He is shaking as the dealer deals his hand, but it’s an 18 and he begins to feel a bit better. But God says “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” The man’s hand is shaking as he motions to the dealer to hit him. She turns over the card and it’s an ace! He is only up to 19 and still safe! But again God says “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” The business man can’t believe it but he figures God must have some sort of plan for him. Sweat is dripping onto the table as he leans over and asks the dealer to hit him again. He can barely watch as the dealer turns over the card and again it’s an ace! He can’t believe it, two aces in a row! But God says “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” The man begins to protest, the chances of him going bust and losing everything were too high, but God says, sharplike, “JUST TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” The man can’t see what God is planning for him but he goes ahead with it, fully convinced he’s about to loose everything. His hands are shaking and he can feel an odd tightness in his chest as the dealer gets ready to turn over the card. It seems to take eternity for her to turn it over but when she does he can see it’s a third ace! And God says “UN-FUKIN-BELIEVABLE!!”

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: “May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don’t know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!” All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: “The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position.” She says, “I’m 5’4″ and I’m in the front seat.” “O.K.” says the voice from the tower. “Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . ..”

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn’t break, it’s likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight. The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer’s chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab. They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The mother said, “Well, maybe that’s something you could ask the stewardess.” So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?” The boy admitted that this was the case. “Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you.”

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They’re up in heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. “Al, what do you believe in?” Al replies, “Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I’ve come to understand that now.” God thinks for a second and says, “Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left.” God then addresses Bill. “Bill, what do you believe in?” Bill replies, “I believe in forgiveness. I’ve sinned, but I’ve never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.” God thinks for a second and says, “You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.” God then addresses Hillary. “Hillary, what do you believe in?” “I believe you’re in my chair.”

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a U.S. Marine Corps uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, sir,” she ask quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?” The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose, and that I was just about to make my selection for this flight.”

Why were the inventors of the airplane correct in thinking they could fly? Because they were Wright.

On Christmas morning two children are opening their presents. The younger gets a toy plane, remote control tank, a BB gun, two new bikes, and a XBOX 360. The older gets a sweater and a book. The younger begins to taunt the older brother saying “Look, I got way more presents than you.” The older replies, “Oh yeah? Well at least I don’t have cancer!”

Fred and Mary get married but couldn’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s Mom and Dad’s house for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, ‘No’. Johnny asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.’ Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, ‘Are Fred and Mary up yet?’ She replies, ‘No.’ Johnny says, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school .’ After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, ‘Are Fred and Mary up yet?’ His mom says, ‘No.’ He asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘Ok, now tell me what you think?’ He says: ‘Last night Fred came t o my room for the Vaseline and I think… I gave him my airplane glue.’

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No, I work for a condom company. These are Customer Complaints.”

The world’s first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats. The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway. “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,” a voice intoned. “Welcome to the debut of the world’s first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong … Nothing can go wrong…nothing can go wrong….”

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 4. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. 8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. 11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. She is numb from her toes down. 14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 15. The skin was moist and dry. 16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 17. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. 20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present. 25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities 28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room 29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. 30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. 32. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. 34. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’ The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’ ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger. ‘How about nuclear power?’ and he smiles. ‘OK, ‘ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’ The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’ To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know sh*t?

A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. – OH MY GOD!” Silence Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach said: “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college inthe fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn’t returnhome again until the February break. When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as I. “Couldn’t you tell by your clothes that you’d grown?” I asked him. “Since I’ve been doing my own laundry,” he replied, “I just figured everything had shrunk.”

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot’s preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft’s latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. As he’s left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, “Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I’m going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished.” Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, “Sir, with all due respect, I’m not your son; I’m an Airman in the United States Air Force. I’ve been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it’s two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?”

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde were lunching together, discussing what they thought the worlds greatest invention was. the redhead says, “I think its the airplane, because it has made the world smaller and brought the international community closer together.” The brunette says, “Well, I think it’s the telephone, because you can be connected to anywhere in the world in seconds, and it created the international community.” the blonde says, “I think it is the thermos flask.” The other two are confused, “Why?’ they both asked. “Well,” says the blonde, “It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.” “So?” asks the other two. “Well, how does it know?”‘ says the blonde.

My wife went to the East Indies for her holidays. Jakarta? No, she went by plane.

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They’re up in heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. “Al, what do you believe in?” Al replies, “Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I’ve come to understand that now.” God thinks for a second and says “Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left.” God then addresses Bill. “Bill, what do you believe in?” Bill replies, “I believe in forgiveness. I’ve sinned, but I’ve never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.” God thinks for a second and says “You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right. God then address Hillary. “Hillary, what do you believe in?” “I believe you’re in my chair.”

On her annual visit to another planet, an old lady turns to the cabin steward and says. “I hope this spaceship doesn’t travel faster than sound. “Why?” replies the cabin steward. “Because my friend and I want to talk, that’s why.”

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you think. 4. Watch more TV. You’ve been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow. 6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more. 7. Get in a whole NEW rut! 8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace. 9. Don’t eat cloned meat. 10. Create loose ends. 11. Get more toys. 12. Get further in debt. 13. Don’t believe politicians. 14. Break at least one traffic law. 15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet. 16. Don’t swim with piranhas or sharks. 17. Associate with even worse business clients. 18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them. 19. Wait around for opportunity. 20. Focus on the faults of others. 21. Mope about faults. 22. Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

A mother and her son were flying “Southwest Airlines” from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The stewardess asked, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?” He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, “Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time.”

Before the Wright brothers made the first airplane, Chuck Norris had already invented the rocket and flown to Pluto, where he lived for 20 years………naked

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell “naughty” stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. “They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.” The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. “Young ladies,” said the professor with a broad smile, “the next plane doesn’t leave till tomorrow afternoon.”

A terrible plane crash occurred in Lithuania last week. A two-seater airplane crash landed in a cemetery and exploded. They’ve recovered 300 bodies so far, and they’re still digging them up.

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax—OH MY…!” Then silence. Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying, “It is impossible for your generation to understand my generation. You grew up in a different world. Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers…” Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the geezer said, “You are right. We didn’t have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation?”

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his bag and began working on it. “This is fantastic”, thought the gentleman. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.” Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’? The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. The gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think you’re looking for the word ‘aunt’.” “Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

On a recent flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die,” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?” For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Montana stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt…one button at a time. ..No one moves. ..He removes his shirt. ..Muscles ripple across his chest. ..She gasps… ..He whispers: “Iron this, and get me something to eat….”

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking Delta,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!” “Delta?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?” “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.” “That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?” “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.” “That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.” A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. “It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of Delta’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel – it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!” “Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.” “Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me.” “Really?” asked the Barber. “What’d he say?” “He said, ‘Where’d you get the lousy haircut?’”

Chuck Norris can land a plane in Auto Pilot.

As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: “And get ME a coke…NOW!” The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot’s attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: “Get me another coke or I’ll really create a scene!” Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I’ll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian teaparty!” The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: “You’re pretty cheeky for a guy who can’t fly!”

Blonde Boater A True Story Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn’t plane at high speed at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved. You have to have attained a certain age to remember “Tatoo”, the short person on the TV series, “Fantasy Island”, with Ricardo Montelban and Herve Villechaize. You remember………”The Plane, Boss, The Plane ” !!! OK. It seems before Herve’s passing, he established an entire neighborhood of fully furnished, high dollar, condominiums in Florida’s Dade County. These condo’s were explicitly designed for persons Herve’s size. Everything was miniaturized down to the last detail. The benefactor, (Herve), provided this community of some 150 condo’s expressly for “The Little People” to have a free haven for the gathering and support of each other in a completely ‘No-Rent’, ‘No Mortgage’ environment! This totally unselfish gesture was not highly publicized. But, it was recently uncovered that the advertisement for taking over ownership of one of the condo’s was first spotted on aisle 6 of the HABA section in the grocery store, and billed as………………… Stay-Free Mini Pads !

Two vultures boarded an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. Thestewardess looked at them and said, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrionper passenger is allowed.”

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out. The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.” He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.” The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. The ‘smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack.”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look toward sky, what you see?” The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.” “What that tell you?” asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What’s it tell you, Tonto?” “You dumber than buffalo sh*t. It mean someone steal tent.”

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?” The tower responded, “Who is calling?” The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?” The tower replied, “It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o’clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon.”

Felix from the odd couple went on a ballon ride. He did not have enough hot air and crashed in a remote part of the desert. A few days went by with no relief in site. Then… A plane. Yes Felix saw a plane! The land was so rough that the plane could not land, but they threw him a radio so that they could communicate with him. “Please help me I am dying of thirst”, Felix said. The crew said they were going back to get a helicopter but first they would drop him a bag of water. “I have plenty of water” said Felix, “drop me a cup!”

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!” The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.” “Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.” The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other. The first spaceman says, “The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons.” The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, “Are they an emerging intelligence?” The first spaceman says, “I don’t think so… They have them aimed at themselves.”

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot’s preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft’s latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. As he’s left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, “Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I’m going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished.” Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, “Sir, with all due respect, I’m not your son; I’m an Airman in the United States Air Force. I’ve been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it’s two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?”

Top Ten Signs You Might Not Be Ready To Join The Air Force 10. You’re afraid of loud noises, heights, and airplanes (First Lieutenant Maggie Rudolphi) 9. For you, the thrill of flight is the little package of salted nuts (Senior Airman Lesley Toussaint) 8. In high school, you were voted “queasiest” (Tech Sergeant Andrea Knutson) 7. You don’t mind flying once you’ve had a few drinks (Master Sergeant Chuck Kramer) 6. You pass out from G-Forces incurred from riding an escalator (Tech Sergeant Josh Haney) 5. Whenever you see an “eject” lever you impulsively pull it (First Lieutenant Agnes Leam) 4. Show up to the recruiting center carrying a seatbelt extender (Chief Master Sergeant Juan Claudio) 3. Your primary reason for enlisting is “to meet Iron Man” (Lieutenant Colonel Bonnie Bossler) 2. You giggle every time you say, “cockpit” (Master Sergeant Dusty Lee) 1. Out motto, “aim high” — your motto, “I’m high” (Colonel Marcus Johnson) David Letterman

Top 10 List of what Moms REALLY want… 10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any “floaties” (ie, backwash) 9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that “Why is this person my mother?” way. 8. Five pounds of chocolate that won’t add twenty. 7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a “Hi Ya Mom!” just as I put a razor to my ankle. 6. A full time cleaning person – period! 5. For my teenager to announce “Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!” 4. A grocery store that doesn’t have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line. 3. To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions. 2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, “Oh no! Why me…!” And the #1 thing that moms REALLY want is….. Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!” The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. “Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “And make several low-level passes.” “Why?” asked the nervous pilot. “Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” The pilot replied, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, “I’d like to ride in that airplane.” And every year his wife would say, “I know, Johnny, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.” This one year Johnny and his wife went to the fair and Johnny said, “I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance.” “That airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”, replied his wife. The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.” Johnny and his wife agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Johnny, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.” Johnny replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when my wife fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”

A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes. The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped. The priest looks and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already lived a wonderful and full life. The boy replied, “You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my bookbag!”

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved. You have to have attained a certain age to remember “Tatoo”, the short person on the TV series, “Fantasy Island”, with Ricardo Montelban and Herve Villechaize. You remember………”The Plane, Boss, The Plane ” !!! OK. It seems before Herve’s passing, he established an entire neighborhood of fully furnished, high dollar, condominiums in Florida’s Dade County. These condo’s were explicitly designed for persons Herve’s size. Everything was miniaturized down to the last detail. The benefactor, (Herve), provided this community of some 150 condo’s expressly for “The Little People” to have a free haven for the gathering and support of each other in a completely ‘No-Rent’, ‘No Mortgage’ environment! This totally unselfish gesture was not highly publicized. But, it was recently uncovered that the advertisement for taking over ownership of one of the condo’s was first spotted on aisle 6 of the HABA section in the grocery store, and billed as………………… Stay-Free Mini Pads !

Little Benny was looking depressed, so his fourth grade teacher, Miss Feldman, asked, “What’s the problem, Benny? I hope it’s not homework again…” “Well, uh, yes it is, mam” replied Little Benny. “I made my homework paper into a paper airplane.” “Benny, that wasn’t a very bright thing to do,” Miss Feldman said, “but this once, I’ll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in.” “Oh, but it’s worse than that…” replied Little Benny, looking even sadder. “You see, the plane was hijacked!”

Worries While Flying Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don’t worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, “Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever!”

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator, which she did. The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, ‘Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?’ Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself. Men never learn!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see”. Watson: “I see millions and millions of stars”. Holmes: “And what does that tell you?” Watson: “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes: “Somebody stole our tent.”

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell “naughty” stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.”They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.” The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. “Young ladies,” said the professor with a broad smile, “the next plane doesn’t leave till tomorrow afternoon.”

You Know It’s a No-Frills Airline If: 1. They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances. 2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out. 3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot. 4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back. 5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change. 6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro. 7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas. 8. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking. 9. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway. 10. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, “Just once.” 11. No movie. Don’t need one. 12. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes. 13. You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane. 14. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!” Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?” No, sweetheart,” she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?” “Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says. “One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks. “Oh, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that one, either.” Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?” Abe answers, “They’ll find us!”

True or False 1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. 2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton. 3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs. 4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more. 5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart! 6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties. 7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. 8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old. 9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. 10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498. 11. The average housefly lives for one month. 12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. 13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. 14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. 15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day. 16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep. 17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water. 18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot. 19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in “An Officer and a Gentleman” and “Tootsie”. 20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem. 21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk. 22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash. 23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor. 24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery. 25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins. 26. If coloring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green. Answers: All of the above are true. Don’t you just love number sixteen?

It’s that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it’s important to keep mentally alert. If you don’t use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you’re losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. 1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer: “bread.” If you said “toast,” give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2. 2. Say “silk” five times. Now spell “silk” What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said “milk,” don’t attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said “water”, proceed to question 3. 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said “green bricks,” why the heck are you still reading these??? If you said “glass,” go on to Question 4. 4. It’s twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of “no man’s land” between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man’s land”? Answer: You don’t bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you’re a dunce and you must stop. If you said, “You don’t bury survivors”, proceed to the next question. 5. Without using a calculator – You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don’t you remember your own name? It was YOU!! Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you. PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

Why couldn’t the monk who flew a helicopter understand the monk who flew commercial jets? Because he was on a higher plane.

A man walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk if he’s got any helicopter flavored potato chips. The clerk’s replies, no, sorry, we’re all out… But, I’ve got plane.

I asked this old lady if she would switch seats with me on the plane as the screaming brat of a baby is starting to piss me off…That turned into a really nasty shouting match, where my wife accused me of not loving our kid!

I wonder what Geronimo shouted when he jumped out of the plane?

My wife says she’s going to leave if I don’t do something about my obsession with astronomy…What planet is she on?

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman…So, in answer to your question, it’s probably a bird!

My brother is a policeman and I saw him wearing an airline pilot’s uniform.He winked at me and said, “Shhh, I’m in plane clothes!”

I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane…We’re currently filming the pilot!

My favourite name for a planet is Saturn…It has a nice ring to it!

My friend has designed an invisible aeroplane…I can’t see it taking off!

Apparently Kwasi Kwarteng had trouble getting a seat on the plane back to the UK because nobody wanted him anywhere near business or economy!

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

I bet earth makes fun of the other planets for having no life

Coming up to the anniversary of 9/11 a reminder, that jokes about this tragedy are plane wrong.

It be cool if that Malaysia plane appeared with Amelia Earhart flying it back

If alcohol kills germs and laughter is the best medicine, I’m the healthiest mofo on this planet.

If alcohol kills germs and laughter is the best medicine, I’m the healthiest person on the planet.

Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let’s try to leave better kids for our planet.

I’m so lonely I bought a plane ticket just for the airport pat down.

Oh so your boyfriend cheated on you? But how is every other man on this planet responsible for it?

Every 5 seconds, somewhere on this planet a woman gives birth to a child. I think! We must find this woman and stop her.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don’t think there’s really any oxygen. I think they’re just to muffle the screams.

Just watched Die Hard 2. People in 1990 sure knew how to shrug off a plane crash.

Friend: “What’s a good movie?” Me: “Snakes on a plane” Friend: “Whats it about?” Me: “Horses… horses on a boat”

I bet the passengers on the missing Malaysian airplane are racking up some serious reward miles, given all of the different directions they’ve been flying.

They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.

I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can’t find it…

Anyone else find it slightly suspicious that a massive plane’s gone missing over the same ocean that Bin Laden’s floating in…..?

If I was in that Malaysian airplane my wife would find it in 10 minutes..