A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’ The priest replies, ‘My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.’ The drunk muttered in response, ‘Well, I’ll be damned,’ then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. ‘I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis? The drunk answered, ‘I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.
- A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?” “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.” “Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
- Q: What did the painter say to the wall? A: One more crack, and I’ll plaster you.
- A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?” “My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.” “Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
- A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, “Pastor, I will contribute $1,000.” Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood back up and shouted, “Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000.” Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he this time he virtually screamed, “Pastor, I will double my last pledge.” He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head. He stood up once more and hollered, “Pastor, I will give $20,000!” This prompted a deacon to shout, “Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!”
- Introducing the new, improved MID-LIFE BARBIE: Now, at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic. 1. BIFOCALS BARBIE: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too), neck chain and large print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. 2. HOT FLASH BARBIE: Press Barbie’s belly button and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues. 3. FACIAL HAIR BARBIE: As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. 4. FLABBY ARMS BARBIE: Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front too- muumuus with tummy support panels are included. 5. BUNION BARBIE: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. 6. NO-MORE-WRINKLES BARBIE: Erase those pesky crow’s feet and lip lines with a tube os Skin Sparkle Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics. 7. SOCCER MOM BARBIE: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. Comes with a SUV in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. 8. DIVORCED BARBIE: Sells for $399.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car and Ken’s boat. 9. POST-MENOPAUSAL BARBIE: This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things and cries a lot. She is sick of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex.
- I had an uncle who was an alcoholic. To keep him from drinking, we got him in sculpting school. Sadly, it didn’t help.He’d still come home plastered.