Prison Jokes

  • This year, I resolve to … 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you think. 4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow. 6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast. 7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the Tl. 8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine. 9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did. 10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. 11. Not have eight children at once. 12. Get in a whole NEW rut! 13. Start being superstitious. 14. Personal goal: bring back disco. 15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura. 16. Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings. 17. Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash. 18. Speak in a monotone voice and only use mono-syllabic words. 19. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms. 20. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace. 21. Not eat cloned meat. 22. Create loose ends. 23. Get more toys. 24. Get further in debt. 25. Not believe politicians. 26. Break at least one traffic law. 27. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice. 28. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases. 29. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet. 30. Stay off the MIR space station. 31. Not worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world. 32. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home. 33. Not swim with pirhanas or sharks. 34. Associate with even worse business clients. 35. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them. 36. Not take spaceship rides behind comets. 37. Not try to escape from a maximum security prison. 38. Wait around for opportunity. 39. Focus on the faults of others. 40. Mope about my faults. 41. Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

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  • – Your sister’s a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted? – For the longest time I lived with a hairdresser named Bruce, but then I had this sudden relapse of heterosexuality. – When we get back to my apartment, whatever you do, don’t tease the pony. – You know, if my wife wasn’t so hung up on this faithfulness thing, she’d probably say you were my cutest girlfriend yet. – I had to break up with my last girlfriend. She welded a coat- hanger to the metal plate in my head and was using it as antenna to read my thoughts. – No, really, I read Playboy for the articles. – My most painful memory? Hmmm… That would have to be when those three guys cornered me in the showers in prison. – I’m not free Sunday. I’m going to help OJ look for the real killer. – How about after dinner we take a romantic stroll by the oil refinery? The fumes will give you a really cool buzz. – Now I’m just speaking hypothetically here, but let’s say you were at some guy’s house, opened the refrigerator, and saw a human head. Would you call the cops? – I was thinking tonight we’d go to a French restaurant. Have you ever been to Jacques En Ze Box? – I always wanted to be a doctor, but I couldn’t get into med school, so now I just pursue gynecology as a hobby. I even have my own stirrups.
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  • Q: What do prisoners use to call each other? A: Cell phones.
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  • Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained the trial to him. “You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in… but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8… and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?” The second one replied, “I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”
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  • For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you’re sitting there reading jokes
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  • Q: What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison? A: A small medium at large.
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  • A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.” “Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
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  • A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?” The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.” A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden.” The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.”
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  • IN PRISON…You spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell. AT WORK….You spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle. IN PRISON…You get three meals a day. AT WORK….You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON…You get time off for good behaviour. AT WORK….You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work. IN PRISON…A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK….You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON…You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK….You get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON…You get your own toilet. AT WORK….You have to share. IN PRISON…They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK….You cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON…All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK….You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON…You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK….You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON…There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK….They are called supervisors. When I finally left my last place of work, it was just like being released from prison, as I was free to do whatever I wanted to.
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  • 1. A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it’s your vote that counts; In feudalism it’s your count that votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor. 11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it. 15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 16. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key. 17. Every calendar’s days are numbered. 18. A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and ‘taint mine. 19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 21. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 24. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall. 25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye. 27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 28. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses. 29. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
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  • Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?…What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered….is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day…or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments? What would YOU do? Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now….what is the moral to this story? The moral is…. If you don’t let a woman have her own way…. Things are going to get ugly.
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  • Texas – A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9,600 in damages rather than serving a prison sentence. He gave the court a check–a forged check. He was sentenced to ten years.
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  • What do prisoners use to talk to each other? Cell phones.
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  • IN PRISON…You spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell. AT WORK….You spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle. IN PRISON…You get three meals a day. AT WORK….You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON…You get time off for good behaviour. AT WORK….You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work. IN PRISON…A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK….You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON…You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK….You get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON…You get your own toilet. AT WORK….You have to share. IN PRISON…They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK….You cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON…All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK….You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON…You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK….You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON…There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK….They are called supervisors. When I finally left my last place of work, it was just like being released from prison, as I was free to do whatever I wanted to.
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  • You met him in prison. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser.” When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.” During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.” A prison guard is shaving your head. Every couple of minutes he yells, “I call Jack Daniels to the stand!” and proceeds to drink a shot. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger. He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table. He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said . . .” He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra. Just before trial starts he whispers, “The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?” Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers. The sign in front of his law office reads “Practicing Law Since 2:25.” Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, “Whatever.” He giggles every time he hears the word “briefs.”
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  • Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, “F.F.” His wife turned to him and answered, “E.F.” Out on the highway, he said, “F.F.” She responded simply, “E.F.” He repeated, “F.F.” She again replied, “E.F.” “Mom! Dad!” their son yelled. “What’s going on?” Bad Bernie answered, “Your mother wants to eat first!”
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  • A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer!” the man began, “I don’t have time for this right now!” “Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.” “But officer,” replied the motorist. “I just wanted to say…” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”, barked the officer. A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.” “Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the bridegroom.”
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  • Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Moses–Exodus 2:16-21) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Boaz–Ruth 4:5-10) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjaminites–Judges 21:19-25) Have God create a wife for you while you sleep . Note: this will cost you. (Adam–Genesis 2:19-24) Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. (Jacob–Genesis 29:15-30) Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (David–1 Samuel 18:27) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative, of course.) (Cain–Genesis 4:16-17) Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Xerxes or Ahasuerus–Esther 2:3-4) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a . woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” (Samson– Judges 14:1-3) Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). (David–2 Samuel 11) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea; it’s the law.) (Onana and Boaz–Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. (Solomon–1 Kings 11:1-3) A wife?…NOT? (Paul–1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
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  • You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start. The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree…and think 25 to life would be appropriate. –Jay Leno America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. –Jay Leno Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s’ new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. –Conan O’Brien Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser. –Jay Leno Q: What’s the difference between Obama’s cabinet and a penitentiary? A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. –David Letterman Q: What was the most positive result of the “Cash for Clunkers” program? A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. –David Letterman
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  • Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.” Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.” “17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?” “I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.” “That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd guy) “Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.” “156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!” “Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, ‘This is your assh*le before prison….”
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  • King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death. The question? . . . What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with every one, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice, compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered . . . is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half-the-time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . . . or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below. BUT . . . make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now . . . what is the moral to this story? The moral is . . . If you don’t let a woman have her own way . . . Things are going to get ugly!
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  • A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, “Number twelve!” The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, “Number four!” Again, the whole cell bloock breaks out laughing. The new guy asks his cellmate what’s going on. “Well,” says the older prisoner, “we’ve all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke.” So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, “Number six!” There was dead silence in the cell block. He asks the older prisoner, “What’s wrong? Why didn’t I get any laughs?” “Well,” said the older man, “sometimes it’s not the joke, but how you tell it.”
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  • TV in Prison A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. “Do you watch much television here?” “Only the daytime shows,” the inmate said. “At night we’re locked in our cells and don’t see any television.” “That’s too bad,” the reporter said, “But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime.” “What do you mean, nice?” the inmate said. “That’s part of the punishment!”
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  • Top 10 List of what Moms REALLY want… 10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any “floaties” (ie, backwash) 9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that “Why is this person my mother?” way. 8. Five pounds of chocolate that won’t add twenty. 7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a “Hi Ya Mom!” just as I put a razor to my ankle. 6. A full time cleaning person – period! 5. For my teenager to announce “Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!” 4. A grocery store that doesn’t have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line. 3. To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions. 2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, “Oh no! Why me…!” And the #1 thing that moms REALLY want is….. Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison
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  • It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. “What are you charged with?” he asked. “Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant. “That’s no offense,” replied the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?” “Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.
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  • Most men say they would prefer a bigger penis, but not me!I’ve been in prison for 6 years now and the smaller one’s tend to hurt less!
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  • As I arrived at the prison showers I realised I’d forgotten my soap.However, I was amazed at the number of bars of soap left abandoned on the shower room floor for no apparent reason…“Well, I’ll be buggered,” I thought.
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  • A woman was in court for shoplifting. The judge said, “What did you take?” She replied, “A tin of pears.” “How many pears in the tin?” “6.” “Ok, I’m giving you 6 weeks in prison to teach you a lesson.”Her husband stood up & said, “Excuse me, she also took a large tin of peas!”
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  • It’s always exciting getting a Valentine’s Day card shoved through your door, no stamp, just your name on the envelope…Except when you’re in prison!
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  • I’ve been sentenced to 20 years for my part in a timeshare fraud…Luckily, I only have to go to prison for two weeks every year!
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  • At age 12, I was blessed with a nine inch penis…And three years later, that priest went to prison!
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  • A bloke walked up to the counter and said, “Burger and fries please.”“Certainly sir,” I said. “Eating in or take out?”“Fuck off you prick!” he said as he walked off with his food…I love working in the prison canteen!
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  • Most men say they would prefer a bigger penis, but not me…I’ve been in prison for 6 years now and the smaller one’s tend to hurt less!
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  • Next time you’re feeling down, remember life is all about perspective…I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week, yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison!
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  • Being kissed while you’re asleep is one of the purest forms of love and affection…Unless of course you’re in prison!
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  • My wife was allowed to visit me one last time before I started my prison sentence.“I’ve baked you a cake,” she said, “And I’ve hidden something inside it that might help you in there.”“What is it ?” I asked nervously, “A tiny rock hammer ?”“No silly, a tub of Vaseline!”
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  • I told a newcomer in prison that the other inmates were heavily interested in astronomy. When asked what I meant, I said, “They are particularly interested in Uranus, so you don’t want to moon them.”
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  • What’s the most unfortunate name a prisoner can have? Neil.
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  • 2 convicted murderers escaped a New York prison using cordless power tools. Authorities said,when they get a hold of them they will be charged.
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  • I’ve just bought a film on DVD about a prisoner that finally gets parole. I’ve waited years for it to be released.
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  • Got let out of prison today. The warden turned and asked “can you take any positives from your time in here?” I smiled “Yeah actually, the wife can’t ever call me a tight arsed bastard again”
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  • Me and my twin brother are always finishing each others sentences. The prison wardens are none the wiser.
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  • While drinking my afternoon coffee, I oftentimes stare out the window… and ask myself: Would prison be all that bad?
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  • Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to….unless you’re in prison.
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  • Renewing your wedding vows is like agreeing on a double life sentence to prison.
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  • I always cry after sex. God, I fcuking hate prison!!!!!!!
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  • Seen on a prison wall: “VIRGINITY who says you can only lose it once?”
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  • Surprise sex is the best sex. Unless you’re in prison.
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  • I haven’t seen David Luiz this upset since Bart and Lisa got him sent to prison.
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  • I greet all my daughter’s boyfriends with, “I used to molest guys like you in prison.”
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  • I’m pretty sure the phrase “sleep tight” originated in prison
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  • Finally loses virginity. 3 more years left in prison.
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  • Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
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  • Some people are only alive in this world because I really don’t want to be someone’s b!tch in prison
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  • Prison counts as a gated community, right?
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  • The issue with prison walls is they are never built to scale.
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  • Most men say they would prefer a bigger penis, but not me…I’ve been in prison for 6 years now and the smaller ones tend to hurt less!
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  • What flavour is the toothpaste in jail?Imprisonmint.
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  • My twin brother called me from prison.He said: You know how we finish each other’s sentences?
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  • A man I know has a stutter and is going to prison.I’m afraid he’ll never finish his sentence.
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