Queen Bee Jokes

King Arthur was in Merlin’s laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place, which made it basically useless. “This is no good, Merlin!” the King exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I’m on a long quest?” “Ah, sire, just observe, ” said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. “Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch. “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.” After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way, everyone of them except, Sir Galahad. “Sir Galahad, ” exclaimed King Arthur. “You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. Whatever it is in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours.” But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless……..

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second — 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the “flying” reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them— Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance — this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now.

10. “Clocks are five hours fast” 9. “Everybody’s speaking some crazy foreign language” 8. “Harry Potter won’t return phone calls” 7. “So touchy about minor things…like going to war under false pretenses” 6. “They don’t know where Saddam is either” 5. “Queen Elizabeth not half as funny as ‘King of Queens’” 4. “Disappointed to learn ‘Big Ben’ is just a giant clock” 3. “Pack a gum costs 2 pounds — who carries two pounds of money?!” 2. “I’ve been here for 36 hours and Prince Charles hasn’t made a single move on me” 1. “Driving on the left reminds me of my drinking days”

Q: How does the queen bee get around her hive? A: She’s throne.

Part of rebuilding New Orleans causes residents to often be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here’s a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client; You’ve got to love this lawyer…… A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply. (Actual letter): “Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.” Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): “Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus ‘ expedition. Now the Pope, as I’m sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God’s original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?”

The Lie Detector Robot John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that was actually a lie detector. About 5:30 that afternoon Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late. “Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late getting home?” they asked. “Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” Tommy answered. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. ‘Son, this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really went after school,” John demanded. “We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie,” Tommy quickly answered. “What did you watch?” asked Marsha. “The Ten Commandments,” answered Tommy. The robot went to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.” ‘I’m ashamed of you, Son,’ said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.” The robot went to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha was bent over, laughing, almost in tears. “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can’t be too mad at Tommy. After all, he is your son!” The robot immediately walked to Marsha, and slapped her three times!

God summons St. Peter and says, “St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a number of high-profile candidates waiting at the Gates, and we are suffering from falling popularity. So, I’m going to throw out Mother Teresa and let in one of the celebrities at the gate. You’ll have to go and decide who is most suitable.” St. Peter goes down to the Pearly Gates and finds Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace, and Princess Diana waiting for him. He says, “I’m afraid I can only let one of you in, so each of you must come up with a reason why you should be admitted to Heaven.” Freddie Mercury says, “I’ve been gifted with one of the most beautiful voices to ever grace the earth. I’ll spend my time in Heaven singing praises to God with the choirs of angels. Heaven will never have sounded better.” Gianni Versace says, “I was Earth’s greatest designer. I will outfit the cherubs and angels in all the latest fashions — long silky gowns, satin cloaks and nightwear spun from the very clouds we stand on. Heaven will never have looked better.” Diana blushes a little, looks around nervously and seems unable to find something suitable to say. Suddenly, she strips off her skirt and panties, whips out a bottle of Perrier, shakes it up and douches with it. St. Peter says, “OK, Diana, you may enter. Have a nice day!” Freddie and Gianni are mortified. “What’s going on here?” Freddie cries. “We could make heaven look and sound better than ever before, and she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, but she gets in and we don’t!” St. Peter just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Sorry, guys, but a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day.”

The Difference Between Football in the North and South WOMEN’S ATTIRE Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket. Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary, that’s what dates are for. STADIUM SIZE Up North: College football stadiums hold 20,000. Down South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000. FATHERS Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath. Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference. ATTIRE Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans. Down South: Male – press khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers. Female – ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford shirt. ALUMNI Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm. Down South: Take prospects on fishing trip so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year. CAMPUS DECOR Up North: Statues of founding fathers. Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners. HOMECOMING QUEEN Up North: Also a Physics Major Down South: Also Miss USA. HEROES Up North: Mario Cuomo Down South: “Bear” Bryant GETTING TICKETS Up North: 5 minutes before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets. Down South: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets. FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday. Down south: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday. PARKING Up North: An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game parking. Down South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday. GAME DAY Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV. Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting on Game Day “live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why game day is never broadcast from their campus. TAILGATING Up North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down. Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Jerry Jeff Walker, who comes over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon. GETTING TO THE STADIUM Up North: You ask “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it, you walk right in with no line. Down South: When your near it, you’ll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city. CONCESSIONS Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda. Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team’s mascot–filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon. WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED Up North: Stands are less than half full. Down South: 100,000 fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony. THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE Up North: Nothing Changes! Down South: Fireworks with a twist of bourbon. COMMENTARY (MALE) Up North: “Nice Play.” Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!!” COMMENTARY (FEMALE) Up North: “My, this is a violent sport.” Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!!” ANNOUNCERS Up North: Paid. Down South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team. AFTER THE GAME Up North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends. Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week’s game.

As you will no longer receive a letter from the Queen when you turn 100, it has been confirmed you’ll receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 13!