Rabbit Jokes

Q: Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink? A: He found a leek there.

What do you call a troop of rabbits marching single-file in reverse? A receding hare line.

How can you tell if Chuck Norris ate rabbits the night before? He has claw marks on his forehead.

Q: How do you catch a rabbit? A: Hide in a meadow and make carrot noises.

your breasts must think i’m good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running through my mind… naked. How much? They say nature is the greatest teacher. Wanna see what a doggy taught me? Do you know karate, cause your body is kickin. Do you have a map….I just keep getting lost in your eyes Hi…..I make more money than you can spend. The voices in my head is asking for your number, he’s kinda shy. Hey Sweetz what time do you get OFF? ???? Can I watch or do you need a hand??? I have Skittles in my mouth, wanna taste the rainbow? SHOW ME your melons and I let you play with my balls. Why don’t you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up? I’m trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or not I’m allergic to sex. Just got a snake bite on my weiner, care to suck out the poison? That’s a nice dress. Can I talk you out of it? Let’s do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you? Well? show me your’s and then i’ll show you mine. My lips are chapped could I rub my lips against yours to moisten them? Do u wash your pants with windex? because i can really see myself in them. I may not be fred flintstone, but i can sure make your bed rock. I wish u were a screen door, so i can slam u all day long. My weiner is cold, can he hide inside you? Can I have your picture?.. So I can show santa what I want for christmas! You spend so much time in my dreams I should charge rent! Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need another drink? Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? (Pull your pockets inside out….) Would you like to? If I bit my lip would you kiss it better?

How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him.

A housewife acquired a pet rabbit and taught it to do all kinds of tricks. She noticed, however, that the animal was very self-conscious and wouldn’t perform any time it was being observed, which defeated the purpose of teaching it to do tricks in the first place. If she walked into the room when the rabbit was in the middle of a trick, it would immediately stop. The woman solved the problem by concealing a video camera behind the refrigerator and filming its tricks. She showed the tape to her all friends, except for the neighbor across the street who were on vacation and missed the show. One afternoon, the lady had to fetch something from the room where the rabbit was kept. She opened the door, and immediately the rabbit cut short a cartwheel and cowered in the corner, refusing to do any more tricks. Just then, the neighbor across the street, who had returned from vacation, knocked on the door. “I understand you have a pet rabbit that does tricks?” she said. “You’ll have to settle for video tape,” the lady replied, “because I’ve just watched my hare, and I can’t do a thing with it.”

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

Q: What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? A: A receding hare-line.

A man walks into a bar with a dead rabbit. The people in the bar say “how did you get that?” Then the man says “me follow tracks me find rabbit. Then another man comes in with a dead deer and the people say “how did you get that?” He says me follow tracks me find deer. Then another man comes in and there is blood all over him and the people say “what happened?” and the man says “me follow trcks me get hit by train”

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit. It had a tendency to scurry up trees like its step-siblings instead of hopping along the ground. And it ate acorns and nuts instead of carrots. By the time it was half grown, the rabbit realized that it was different, so it went to its step-parents to discuss the problem. He said he was unsure of his place in the universe and was generally forlorn. His step-parents advised, “Don’t scurry. Be hoppy.”

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. “I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.” The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, ” What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?” The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: ” ‘Hare Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave.”

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? A: The tame way — unique up on him.

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. ‘Oh please excuse me,’ said the bunny. ‘I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.’ ‘That’s perfectly all right,’ replied the snake. ‘To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?’ ‘Well, I really don’t know,’ said the bunny. ‘I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.’ So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, ‘Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitch little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit.’ The bunny said, ‘I can’t thank you enough. But, by the way, what kind of animal are you?’ The snake replied that he didn’t know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished the snake asked, ‘Well, what kind of animal am I?’ The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, ‘You’re cold, you’re slippery, and you haven’t any balls…………You must be a politician!’

What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare-line.

A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other. The rabbit says, “You feel me first.” The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit. He says, “Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet…” The rabbit says, “I know! I’m a rabbit! Yippee!” Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, “Okay, you’re long and thin, and slimy all over, and there’s a little forked tongue…” The snake says, “Oh no, I’m a lawyer.”

How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way — unique up on him.

Q: Why did the bald man draw rabbits on his head? A: Because from a distance they looked like hares.

Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink? He found a leek there.

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on him.

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, “John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?” A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.” Martha tearfully asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?” “It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.” “What do you do all day?” asked Martha. “Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.” Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven really is like?” “Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.” “Well, then, where are you?” “I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and the receptionist gives the groom a key to the bridal suite. The whole evening, the people in the next room are phoning down to the main desk to complain about the moaning, which doesn’t stop for one minute the whole night. The next morning at 6 a.m., the groom calls room service. “Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?” “Sure, what would you like?” asks room service. The groom says, “Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night, so you’d better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast, and 6 liters of orange juice.” Room service replies, “Gee, that’s quite an appetite you have there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?” “No, that’s just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?” Room service asks, “Why six pieces of lettuce?” The groom replies, “I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit too!”

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. “Oh, please excuse me!” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.” “That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?” Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.” So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose… You must be a bunny rabbit!” Then he said, “I can’t thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?” And the snake replied that he didn’t know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?” So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy and you haven’t got any balls… You must be a lawyer.”

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family ofsquirrels took it in and raised it as one of their own.This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of therabbit. It had a tendency to scurry up trees like its step-siblings instead of hopping along the ground. And it ate acorns and nuts instead of carrots. By the time it was half grown, the rabbit realizedthat it was different, so it went to its step-parents to discussthe problem.He said he was unsure of his place in the universeand was generally forlorn.His step-parents advised, “Don’t scurry. Be hoppy.”

Places I’d Rather Not Live – Paradox, New York – Crapo, Maryland – Boogertown, North Carolina – Spasticville, Kansas – Hellhole, Idaho – Purgatory, Maine – Girdletree, Maryland – Rabbithash, Kentucky

There were three men playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old man. They get to the 18th hole and Moses gets to tee-off first; he hits his ball into the water. Next up is Jesus, and he does the same as Moses, hits it right into the water. Next up is the old man and he hits it right into the water with Moses and Jesus. All three approach the edge of the pond. Moses walks up a little closer, throws his arms high nto the air and the water of the pond begins to part down the middle. He walks down to his ball, hits it out of the pond and into the hole. Next up,Jesus. He walks out onto the water and his ball floats up to the surface, so he hits his ball off of the water into the hole. The old man decides he will try something cool so he walks into the water and hits his ball, which flies out of the water, hits a bird,bounces off a tree, then gets deflected off the pin and hits a rabbit then bounces into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says,” I hate it when your father plays!”

True or False 1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. 2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton. 3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs. 4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more. 5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart! 6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties. 7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. 8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old. 9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. 10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498. 11. The average housefly lives for one month. 12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. 13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. 14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. 15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day. 16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep. 17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water. 18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot. 19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in “An Officer and a Gentleman” and “Tootsie”. 20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem. 21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk. 22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash. 23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor. 24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery. 25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins. 26. If coloring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green. Answers: All of the above are true. Don’t you just love number sixteen?

My daughter said, “Dad, can my boyfriend stay over tonight?”I said, “Can he fuck!”She said, “Like a rabbit!”