Random Jokes

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you’ll have to pee. 2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers. 5. Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. 6. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). 7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 8. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with. 9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will. 10. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. 12. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug. 15. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about. 16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly. 17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet. 18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 19. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better.. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

Feline Physics Law of Cat Inertia – A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, ora nearby scurrying mouse. Law of Cat Motion – A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. Law of Cat Magnetism – All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. Law of Cat Thermodynamics – Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. Law of Cat Stretching – A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. Law of Cat Sleeping – All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat. Law of Refrigerator Observation – If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. Law of Electric Blanket Attraction – Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light. Law of Random Comfort Seeking – A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room. Law of Bag/Box Occupancy – All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. Law of Cat Embarrassment – A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. Law of Cat Disinterest – A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. Law of Pill Rejection – Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. Law of Cat Composition – A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter. Law of Cat Elongation – A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. Law of Cat Obstruction – A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic. Law of Cat Acceleration – A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop. Law of Dinner Table Attendance – Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. Law of Rug Configuration – No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. Law of Obedience Resistance – A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something. First Law of Energy Conservation – Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. Second Law of Energy Conservation – Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. Law of Milk Consumption – A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can. Law of Furniture Replacement – A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. Law of Cat Landing – A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human. Law of Fluid Displacement – A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Playing football as a young boy, I would run around the pitch randomly shouting 66, 78, 93, 139, 267…I was just there to make the numbers up!

I went to my doctor and during my examination I confided in him that I seem to have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times… … … Without hesitation, my doctor said, “You have a gag reflex.”

Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your Random Party Pics 08 album at 4am.

I am going to follow a random gang of drunk girls around the night club tonight, and just be in the background of all of their photos.

Today is Compliment Someone Randomly Day. And may I just say that this paper bag would go beautifully with that outfit you’re wearing.

I count it as a random act of kindness when you see me in public and pretend you didn’t.

Just texted “I still love you” to about 50 random phone numbers.

RANDOM FACT: Having eye contact for more than 6 seconds without looking away or blinking reveals a desire for either sex or murder.

When I’m bored late at night, I text random numbers saying: “You should really clean under your bed, it’s filthy down here. PS: I love you.”

Life isn’t a fairy tale. It’s a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff colouring book with missing pages and random highlighted passages that make no sense to anyone but the author.

When I play fighting games I press random buttons and hope for the best.

My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.

I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

I love smiling at random people. Some of them smile back. Some of them get really creeped out, but that makes it worth it.

I haven’t got a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I’m doing at random times. So far I’ve got 3 followers but I think 2 are cops.

I hate that random song you hear in the morning and gets stuck in your head all day long.

Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your Random Party Pics’ album at 4am.

My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances.I said: There’s the door.

My friend got a random nosebleed and commented how weird it is that blood tastes metalic.I said: Yes it’s pretty ironic.