One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. “How do I get him to sing?” The young man asked, excitedly. “Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet.” was the shop owner’s reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot’s left foot. Chet began to sing: “Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! …” The shop owner then held another match under the parrot’s right foot. Then Chet’s tune changed, and the air was filled with: ” Silent Night, Holy Night…” The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. “How beautiful!” She exclaimed, “Can he talk?” “No,” the young man replied, “But he can sing. Let me show you.” So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet’s left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: “Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!…” The man then moved the lighter to Chet’s right foot, and out came: “Silent Night, Holy night…” The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, “What if we hold the lighter between his legs?” The man did not know. “Let’s try it,” he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet’s legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire….”
- A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat? The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98” A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.
- A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.” “Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don’t carry cash — it’s too plebeian — and the butcher hadn’t brought the shop’s credit card imprinter to the lawyer’s office]. Several periods of time later — it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic — the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 for legal consultation.
- A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” “Absolutely,” the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”
- A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out “Perhaps you should hear how all this came about…” “I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge. She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the colour didn’t suit you. Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now. Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use anymore ?
- Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water… One day, just as they were finally about to give up, they crawled into a clearing and there right in front of them stood a Cannibal’s Restaurant. Out front near the entrance was a large menu board. With the little energy they had left, they dragged themselves across the clearing and looked up to see the following menu: “Par boiled Priest $12.00 Roast Lion Hunter $14.00 Steamed Politician $198.50” They struggled into the establishment, dragged themselves to a table, and a waiter came to take their order. Before they ordered, one of the explorers asked the waiter, “Can you help me understand your menu? The first two items are priced about the same, but the third item, the politician, is priced so much higher. Why is that?” “Are you kidding?” replied the waiter. “Did you ever try to CLEAN one of those suckers?”
- Monday: It’s fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. Tuesday: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper. Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can’t say it improved the rice any. Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden. Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. Saturday: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten. Sunday: Bob’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. Good Night Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
- A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm to buy one. He agrees on a per pound price with the farmer and then begins to select a pig. “How about that one?” “OK,” replies the farmer. The farmer then picks up the pig, puts it’s tail in his mouth, lets it hang from his mouth and then declares, “This one weighs 74 pounds.” “That’s amazing,” the man says, “Are you sure you can tell a pigs’ weight by using that method?” “Yep, says the farmer, we’ve used this method in our family for generations.” To prove his accuracy, the farmer puts the pig on a scale and it weighs exactly 74 pounds. “My son can do it, too,” boasts the farmer. Sure enough, the farmer’s son comes over, puts another pigs’ tail in his mouth, lets it hang and then says, “This one weighs 83 pounds.” The farmer then confirms his sons’ accuracy with the scale. “My wife can do it, too,” says the farmer. “Son, go get your mother.” The boy runs off to the house and returns a few minutes later. “Mom can’t come out right now,” says the son. “She’s busy weighing the mailman.”
- MONDAY: It’s fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper. WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can’t say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden. FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten. SUNDAY: Tom’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.
- SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are DEMENTIA: I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and … PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell you Why. DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock… PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
- A man tells a doctor, “I think my wife’s going deaf. What can I do?” The doctor says, “Well, try to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. That way we can see how bad the problem is.” The man goes home, sees his wife and says, “Hi honey, what’s for dinner?” He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He repeats this several times, until he’s standing right next to her. Finally, she answers, “For the tenth time, I said we’re having Pot Roast!”
- 1. Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Queens Disoriented Are 3. Amnesia — I Don’t Know if I’ll be Home for Christmas 4. Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 5. Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and … 6. Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me 7. Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 8. Full Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell You Why 9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder —Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells … 10. Agoraphobia — I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn’t Leave My House 11. Senile Dementia — Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe 12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder — I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
- Q: What’s the difference between roast beef & pea soup? A: Anyone can roast beef.