Rock Jokes

Q: Why did the lady and her attorney seek a scarlet frock as part of a settlement? A: Because she wanted a red dress for her grievances.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don’t hurt. 3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there. 4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT. A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00). He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin It’s mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural-looking open water for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float in. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG…??? Let’s talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice. The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his Master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog’s rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master. Then ” BOOOOOOOOM…. The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with “I can’t believe this just happened” looks on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments. The dog is okay. . .doing fine. And you thought Rednecks only live in the South………

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona’s president sits down and says, “Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser’s president says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one. Coors’ president says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.”

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Se or, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona”‘ The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers,’ a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it. The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson?” The Molson Canadian president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

You know you’re in IT if… …power cords breed in your office. …your laptop is held together with duct tape. …you accidentally tell your wife to submit a ticket when she asks you what you want for dinner. …you make CAT5 action figures. …you have a tray table on the server rack for lunch. …you’ve racked up 10 weeks of vacation and still don’t have time to take any. …rock, paper, scissors is a legitimate decision-making process. …you have more switches than friends. …you have a server rack in your garage at home. …all of your relatives expect you to fix their home computer.

Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, “It’s Sunday night and my car broke down! I don’t know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?” “Well,” drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I don’t want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke.” She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. “Okay,” she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?” They say, “Huh?” She says, “The only thing is, I don’t want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.” She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long. Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, “You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?” “Yeah”, says Luke, “I remember.” “Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?” “Nope,” says Luke, “I reckon not.” “Me neither” says Jed, “Let’s take these things off!”

A five year old boy comes to visit his grandparents and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the waist down. “Grandpa, whatcha’ doing? You’re weenie’s out and everybody can see!” he exclaimed. Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering. “Grandpa, whatcha’ doin’ sitting out here with no pants on?” he asked again. Grandpa looked at him and said, “Son, last week I sat here with no shirt on, Just watching the cars go by…. and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma’s idea.”

your breasts must think i’m good lookin cause they keep lookin at me. Hey baby, you keep running through my mind… naked. How much? They say nature is the greatest teacher. Wanna see what a doggy taught me? Do you know karate, cause your body is kickin. Do you have a map….I just keep getting lost in your eyes Hi…..I make more money than you can spend. The voices in my head is asking for your number, he’s kinda shy. Hey Sweetz what time do you get OFF? ???? Can I watch or do you need a hand??? I have Skittles in my mouth, wanna taste the rainbow? SHOW ME your melons and I let you play with my balls. Why don’t you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up? I’m trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or not I’m allergic to sex. Just got a snake bite on my weiner, care to suck out the poison? That’s a nice dress. Can I talk you out of it? Let’s do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you? Well? show me your’s and then i’ll show you mine. My lips are chapped could I rub my lips against yours to moisten them? Do u wash your pants with windex? because i can really see myself in them. I may not be fred flintstone, but i can sure make your bed rock. I wish u were a screen door, so i can slam u all day long. My weiner is cold, can he hide inside you? Can I have your picture?.. So I can show santa what I want for christmas! You spend so much time in my dreams I should charge rent! Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need another drink? Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? (Pull your pockets inside out….) Would you like to? If I bit my lip would you kiss it better?

A first grade class comes in from recess. Teacher asks Alice: “What did you do at recess?” Alice says, “I played in the sand box.” Teacher says “that’s good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write ‘sand’ correctly, I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie.” She does and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, “I played with Alice in sand box.” Teacher says, “Good. If you write ‘Box” correctly on blackboard, I’ll give you a fresh baked cookie.” Billy does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess. He says, “I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me.” Teacher says, “Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write ‘blatant racial discrimination’ I’ll give you a cookie.”

What’s big, red, and eats rocks? A big red rock eater.

Thank you for purchasing ‘Bubba & Cooter’s Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines’ brought to you by Bubba & Cooter. Enjoy! 1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea I can’t hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I’d like to sign you out 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I’d store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty’s only a light switch away. 8) Man – ‘Fat Penguin!’ Woman – ‘WHAT?’ Man – ‘I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.’ 9) I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room… 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. AND.. the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, “Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?”

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4″ (used to be 5’6″), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated! flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes. MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together. MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

A byte walks into a bar and orders a scotch on the rocks. The bartender asks, “Rough day?”. “parity error” replies the byte. “Yeah, you looked a bit off…”

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Buttersworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Capt’n Crunch, Mr. Goodbar, The Tidy Bowl Man, and many others. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded, always rose to the occasion, but whose later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much his time on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was considered a roll model for millions, even as a crusty old man. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and a bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?” As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?” She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t think my pet python weally gives a thit.”

A man goes to the confessional. “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.” “What is your sin, my child?” The priest asks back. “Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.” “When did you do use this awful language?” said the priest. “I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100yards.” “Is that when you swore?” “No, Father.” Said the man. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.” “Is THAT when you swore?” asked the Father again. “Well, no.” said the man, “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!” “Is THAT when you swore?” asked the amazed Priest. “No, not yet.” The man replied. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.” “Did you swear THEN?” asked the now impatient Priest. “No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.” “You missed the f*cking putt, didn’t you?” sighed the Priest.

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, “Where are you going?” He replies, “I’m going to the doctor.” She says, “Why, are you sick?” He says, “Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.” Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, “Where the hell are you going”? She answers, “I’m going to the doctor, too.” He says, “Why, what do you need?” She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m getting a tetanus shot.”

Chuck Norris won the Origami Championship in 1983…folding a rock

“Aim towards the Enemy.” – Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher “When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” – U.S. Army “Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” – U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop “If the enemy is in range, so are you.” – Infantry Journal “A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” – Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance “It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” – U.S. Air Force Manual “Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” – Infantry Journal “Tracers work both ways.” – U.S. Army Ordnance “Five-second fuses only last three seconds.” – Infantry Journal “Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.” – Col. David Hackworth “If your attack is going too well, you’re probably walking into an ambush.” – Infantry Journal “No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.” – Joe Gay “Any ship can be a minesweeper … once.” – Anonymous “Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” – Unknown Army Recruit “Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.” – Your Buddies (And lastly) “If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.” – U.S. Ammo Troop

A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor said to the others, “I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down.” So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore. Then, the priest says to the rabbi, “I think I going to go over there to join him.” So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore. The rabbi thinks to himself, “Well, if they can do it, so can I!” So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water. The pastor says to the priest, “Do you think we should of told him where the rocks were?”

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.” The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock’n’roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.” “Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.” “All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest, “but I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.” “But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!” “Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2″ in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous – yes. The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar – effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. “Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, and your children – Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.” “If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. “Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.” One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”

A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. “One man from Texas is better than ten Iraqis.” The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes and then, silence. The voice once again calls out “One man from Texas is better than one hundred Iraqi.” Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again, silence. The Rebel voice calls out again “One man from Texas is better than one thousand Iraqi.” The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought…. Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men…it’s a trap. There are two of them.

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years”? The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?” Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: “The prince was wonderful but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension”. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother”. The fairy godmother replied “it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?” Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.” At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?” Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.” Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, &held; her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered……… BET YOU’RE SORRY YOU NEUTERED ME.”

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: “What are these guys in the big suits doing?” One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, “Why certainly!” and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon. Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message: “Watch out for these assh*les. They have come to steal your land.”

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?” She replies, “I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.” “Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.” “Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.” “But, where did you get the tools?” “Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.” The guy is stunned. “Let’s row over to my place,” she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white While the woman ties up the rowboat wit h an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?” “No! No thank you,” he blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.” “It’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.” No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. “This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What next?” When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for many months. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for?” She stares into his eyes. He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean . . he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.” . . . “Don’t tell me you’ve built a Golf Course!”

1.. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor. 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes. 3. You have more wives than teeth. 4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.” 5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. 6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against. 7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. 8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. 9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four. 10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering Department: 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum. 2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A ’65 Ford Fairlane, a ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a ’64 Pontiac GTO. 3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product? 4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. — — How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented it’s charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2×8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man’s land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch? 8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler? 9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of th 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during that shift? 10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer? O.K. — all you smarties answer up!

Maybe this is why they don’t teach music in high school any more. Following are actual answers from students on music tests… – The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna. – Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines. – Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony. – All female parts were sung by castrati. We don’t know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants. – Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven’s Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin’s Rap City in Blue. – Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco. – A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. – Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. – Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys. – I know what a sextet is but I’d rather not say. – Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. – Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.

1972: Long hair 2002: Longing for hair 1972: The perfect high 2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund 1972: KEG 2002: EKG 1972: Acid rock 2002: Acid reflux 1972: Moving to California because it’s cool 2002: Moving to California because it’s warm 1972: Growing pot 2002: Growing pot belly 1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1972: Seeds and stems 2002: Roughage 1972: Popping pills, smoking joints 2002: Popping joints 1972: Killer weed 2002: Weed killer 1972: Hoping for a BMW 2002: Hoping for a BM 1972: The Grateful Dead 2002: Dr. Kevorkian 1972: Going to a new, hip joint 2002: Receiving a new hip joint 1972: Rolling Stones 2002: Kidney Stones 1972: Being called into the principal’s office 2002: Calling the principal’s office 1972: Screw the system 2002: Upgrade the system 1972: Disco 2002: Costco 1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1972: Taking acid 2002: Taking antacid 1972: Passing the drivers’ test 2002: Passing the vision test 1972: Whatever 2002: Depends

It’s time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella’s are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. The following are this year’s candidates: 1. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. 2. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 3. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hub caps. 4. A. Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 a! after she slipped on a soft drink spill and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 5. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. 6. A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, $780,000 after breaking her ankle by tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson’s son. 7. This year’s favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner’s manual that he couldn’t actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking…… because the Rock is Chuck Norris’ personal chef.

Before the Wright brothers made the first airplane, Chuck Norris had already invented the rocket and flown to Pluto, where he lived for 20 years………naked

Q: What’s big, red, and eats rocks? A: A big red rock eater.

Things I’ve Learned From My Children 01. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. 02. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 03. A 3-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 04. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. 05. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 06. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 07. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late. 08. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 09. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. 10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old. 11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCR’s do not eject PB&J; sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22. It will however make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24. The mind of a six-year-old is wonderful.

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini. Finally, the bartender said, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.” The customer replied, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it’s time to go home.”

A polar bear walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a large orange juice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . on the rocks.” The bartender served the juice and said, “Here it is, but why the big pause?” “I don’t know,” the polar bear replied. “I’ve always had them.”

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

Child’s Perspective on Retirement A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don’t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim. At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can’t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck. My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are DEMENTIA: I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and … PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell you Why. DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock… PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead! ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY? Never fly off the handle when you know you’re full of shi*t.

1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap 2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. 3. I would not allow this employee to breed. 4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won’t be. 5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. 7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 10. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better. 11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching. 14. A room temperature IQ. 15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 16. A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 18. A prime candidate for natural deselection. 19. Bright as Alaska in December. 20. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. 21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 22. Fell out of the family tree. 23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere. 24. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 25. He is so dense, light bends around him. 26. If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate. 27. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week. 28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change. 29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 30. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 31. One neuron short of a synapse. 32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled. 33. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program. 34. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. 35. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. “I don’t know what to do here, ” says the devil. ” You are on my list. . . but I have no room for you.” “You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do.” “I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you, I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves. George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the door to the first room: in it was Richard Nixon in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. – Such was his fate in hell. “No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and don’t think I could do that all day long.” The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. “No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all could do was break rocks all day!” commented George. The devil opened a third door. In the room George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.” The devil smiled and said, “OK, Monica, you’re free to go!”

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.” The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.” The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.” Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.” The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, “Riding a bike.” The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them both. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, “My bike.”

Redneck Olympics Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by the Governor. The big event is the 100m Sister chase. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents. Urine drug test transformed into “Distance Pissin’ Competition.” Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver, and bronze teeth. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them extra toes. Two words: Billy Bobsledding.

Man “Haven’t we met before?” Woman “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.” Man “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?” Woman “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.” Man “Is this seat empty?” Woman “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.” Man “So, wanna go back to my place ?” Woman “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?” Man “Your place or mine?” Woman “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.” Man “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?” Woman “It’s in the phone book.” Man “But I don’t know your name.” Woman “That’s in the phone book too.” Man “So what do you do for a living?” Woman “I’m a female impersonator.” Man “What sign were you born under?” Woman “No Parking.” Man “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?” Woman “Do not Enter” Man “How do you like your eggs in the morning?” Woman “Unfertilized” Man “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason” Woman “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!” Man “I’m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.” Woman “You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?” Man “I know how to please a woman.” Woman “Then please leave me alone.” Man “I want to give myself to you.” Woman “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.” Man “I can tell that you want me.” Woman “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you to leave.” Man “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy Woman “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.” Man “Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?” Woman “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species..” Man “Your body is like a temple.” Woman “Sorry, there are no services today.” Man “I’d go through anything for you.” Woman “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.” Man “I would go to the end of the world for you.” Woman “Yes, but would you stay there?”

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. “Wow…that looks deep.” “Sure does… toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.” They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait… no noise. “Jeeez. That is REALLY deep… here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.” They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait… and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey…over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it’s GOTTA make some noise.” The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it’s legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen… Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. “Hey… you two guys seen my goat out here?” “You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!” “Nah”, says the farmer, “That couldn’t have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”

QUOTES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS: 1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.” 2. “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.” 3. “I would not allow this employee to breed.” 4. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.” 5. “Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.” 6. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.” 7. “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.” 8. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.” 9. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.” 10. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.” 11. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.” 12. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.” 13. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.” 14. “He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.” 15. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.” 16. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.” 17. “He’s been working with glue too much.” 18. “He would argue with a signpost.” 19. “He has a knack for making strangers immediately.” 20. “He brings joy whenever he leaves the room.” 21. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.” 22. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.” 23. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.” 24. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.” 25. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.” 26. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.” 27. “Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.” 28. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.” 29. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.” 30. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.” 31. “It’s hard to believe that he/she beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.” 32. “One neuron short of a synapse.” 33. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.” 34. “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”

Camping Tips Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants. A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills. When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on. Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone. A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup. A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck. In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me The King of Beers,’ a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it. The guy from Molson sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?” The Molson president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it’s tail and kissed it where the sun don’t shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing. “Whudd’ya do that fer?” he asked. “Got chapped lips,” the cowboy replied. The old man asked, “Does that help?” The cowboy said, “Nope, but it keeps me from lickin’ ’em.”

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you’re full of sh*t.

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations: 1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.” 2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.” 3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won’t be.” 4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.” 5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.” 7. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.” 8. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.” 9. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.” 10. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.” 11. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.” 12. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.” 13. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.” 14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.” 15. “He’s been working with glue too much.” 16. “He would argue with a signpost.” 17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.” 18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.” 19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.” 20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.” 21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.” 22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.” 23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.” 24. “He’s got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.” 25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.” 26. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.” 27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.” 28. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.” 29. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.” 30. “Takes him 2 hours to watch ’60-minutes’.” 31. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them. Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, “Jim, are we landscaping today?”

Bear-Hunting Preacher A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he collided with a bear, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. His rifle went one way, and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging at him, and he couldn’t move. “Oh, Lord,” the preacher prayed, “I’m so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that’s coming at me. Please,Lord!” That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud at the preacher’s feet: “Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive…”

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. “You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!” Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. “How do you know this, Sister?” “My Mother Superior told me so.” “But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?” “Don’t be ridiculous–of course I have never taken alcohol myself” “Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life” “How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!” “I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.” The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. “Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “and could you put the vodka in a teacup?” “Oh no! It’s not that Nun again is it?”

A redneck family from outside Little Rock was visiting a city in the North and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son decided to stroll around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy said, “Pa, What’s’at?” Pa (never having seen an elevator) said, “Dunno, son. Ain’t never seen nothing like ‘at in my whole dang life. Ain’t got no idea’r what ’tis.” Then, all of a sudden, while the two watched in amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and she rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until the number at the top lit up. And then the small lights commenced to work their way down again. When the walls opened the next time, out stepped a gorgeous, voluptuous, turbo 24-year-old blonde woman. Reverently, and without taking his eyes off the babe, Pa said, quietly, “Boy . . . go . . . git . . . yo . . . Momma.”

You Know It’s a No-Frills Airline If: 1. They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances. 2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out. 3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot. 4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back. 5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change. 6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro. 7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas. 8. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking. 9. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway. 10. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, “Just once.” 11. No movie. Don’t need one. 12. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes. 13. You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane. 14. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

You know you’re in IT if… …you paid $6000 for your computer and $500 for your car. …your pets are named Cat 5 and Cat 6. …power cords breed in your office. …your laptop is held together with duct tape. …you accidentally tell your wife to submit a ticket when she asks you what you want for dinner. …you make CAT5 action figures. …you have a tray table on the server rack for lunch. …you’ve racked up 10 weeks of vacation and still don’t have time to take any. …rock, paper, scissors is a legitimate decision-making process. …you have more switches than friends. …you have a server rack in your garage at home. …all of your relatives expect you to fix their home computer.

A blonde, brunette, and red head were on top of a magic mountain. The myth of the mountain was that if you jumped off of it and yelled out what you wanted to be, you would instantly turn into it. The brunette jumped off and said she wanted to be an Eagle, so she turned into an Eagle and flew away. Next, the redhead jumped off and said she wanted to be a cat. So, she landed on all fours and walked away. Then the blonde got a running start, tripped over a rock, and yelled… “CRAP!”

My wife and I sang “Eye of the Tiger” six times on karaoke night at the pub tonight…We’re going though a bit of a Rocky patch!

How does Rocky eat his pizza?Sliced, alone!

They’re gonna have to dust Chris Rock’s face for fresh prints!

My flight back from Gibraltar to Glasgow has just been cancelled…Now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place!

With the rocketing price of petrol, I’ve just filled up my petrol mower with Vodka… The grass is now half cut!

Choosing the next Prime Minister is like deciding which portaloo to use on the third day of a rock festival!

I play in a rock band called Dyslexia…We’ve just released a compilation album of our greatest shit!

My wife was allowed to visit me one last time before I started my prison sentence.“I’ve baked you a cake,” she said, “And I’ve hidden something inside it that might help you in there.”“What is it ?” I asked nervously, “A tiny rock hammer ?”“No silly, a tub of Vaseline!”

BREAKING NEWSA Cargo Ship with a full load of Yo Yo’s has crashed into a rock tonight. So far it has sunk 44 times!

Today I found out that Dwayne Johnson lives in the flat above mine…Can’t believe that for years I’ve been living under a Rock!

The first UK craft launch into space has failed. Experts are tying to find out why… Come on guys this is rocket science!

Me and my mates were busy robbing this CD store when the cops turned up. Dave grabbed all the pop CD’s and ran off. Steve grabbed the rock CD’s and also ran off. Dan grabbed the Jazz and followed suit. I was forced to take the rap.

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

volcano (n.) [vol-key-noh] A mountain getting its rocks off.

My career as a professional rock climber is going great, but I’m also taking a course in mattress-making. Just so I’ve got something to fall back on.

“Wow, this relationship is really rocky. I bet a wedding and baby will solve everything!” Women logic.

A report indicates Viagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. So guys, you can have sex, but you can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, Viagra sales have skyrocketed.

I want to write “I miss you” on a rock and throw it at your face so that you’ll know how much it hurts to miss you.

A rock flying through the hemisphere is called an Asteroid. A lump on your ass is called a Hemorrhoid…… If you think of it,Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise …. Was Rock Of Ages really that bad?

I guess it’s time to face the reality that I just do not want to rock and roll all night. Nor do I wish to party eva-ree day.

You know your marriage is on the rocks when your wife goes to bed wearing a rape whistle.

In a stunning display of maturity, Kid Rock announces he is changing his name to Adult Contemporary.

India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.

I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!

Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?Because it’s a little meteor.

My wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with movie sequels…It’s been Rocky IV a while now!

BREAKING: The Tennis world is rocked by allegations of backhanders!

what happens when you slap Dwayne johnson in the butt?You hit rock bottom.

A few days ago, I met Dwayne Johnson and slapped his butt.I had finally hit rock bottom.

Which rock group has four men, one named George and another who was shot?Mount Rushmore.

Why did the coward suddenly feel brave after touching a big rock?Because he felt a little boulder.

What happens when you hit Dwayne Johnsons butt?You hit Rock bottom.

I bought a diamond ring on St. Patricks day but found out it was a fake.They gave me a sham rock.

Chris Rock couldn’t figure out why Will Smith was on stage walking his way….… and then it hit him.

What’s on Chris Rock’s Face?Fresh Prints!