Sandwich Jokes

Three railroad construction workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch. “Man,” the Chinese man says. “If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I’ll kill myself.” “Man,” the Italian says. “If I get another slice of pizza in my lunch, I’ll kill myself.” “Man,” the redneck says. “If I get another ham ‘n’ cheese sandwich in my lunch, I’ll kill myself.” The next day, all three men get the same lunches, and they all three throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral, everybody’s crying. “This is all my fault!” says the Chinese man’s wife. “If only I hadn’t packed an egg roll that day.” “This is all my fault!” says the Italian’s wife. “If only I hadn’t packed a slice of pizza that day.” “Don’t look at me,” says the redneck’s wife. “He packed his own lunch.”

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!” The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.” The trucker replies, “Listen sweetheart, I ain’t horny, I’m homesick.”

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said “Do you men know Jesus Christ?” They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?” One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled “his wife is here with his lunch”.

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich. He said, “Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?” She said “I love it but I have to stop eating it.””Why?” he asked. She pointed to her lap and said “Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!” “Let me see” he said. “Okay” and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, “That’s right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.” He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, “I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,I’m starting to get feathers down there too!” She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said, “Oh, my God, it’s too late for you! You’ve already got the neck and the gizzards.”

A club sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, we don’tserve food here.”

Have you heard the joke about the flying sandwich? Nope. Neither have I.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time) Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about. Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly. Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast. “Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?” she asks. He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?” she inquires. He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.” Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken, or tasty stir fry?” He declines again. “Nah, still not hungry.” “Well,” she said, “would you mind letting me up? I’m starving.”

Things I’ve Learned From My Children 01. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. 02. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 03. A 3-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 04. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. 05. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 06. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 07. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late. 08. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 09. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. 10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old. 11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCR’s do not eject PB&J; sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22. It will however make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24. The mind of a six-year-old is wonderful.

Three guys that all worked bulding high rise buildings sat down to lunch one day. The first one opens his lunch and says, “Tunafish, tunafish, I hate tunafish. If I get tuna fish one more time I’m jumping.” The other two guys open their lunches and say the same thing. The next day the first guy opens his lunch and says, “Ah, ham and cheese.” The next two open their lunches and say, “Tunafish, tunafish, I hate tunafish. If I get tunafish one more time I’m going to jump.” The third day the first two guys open their lunches and both got their favorite sandwiches. The third guy opens his lunch and says, “Tunafish, tunafish, I hate tunafish. All right, that’s it. I’m jumping.” So he goes to the edge and jumps off. The other two look on not beliving what just happened. After a while the first guy says, “Gee, that’s sad. He actually jumped.” The second guy says, “Yeah, the worst part is that he packed his own lunch.”

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here’s how… An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn’t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay his brain bill. His belt doesn’t go through all the loops. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Surfing in Nebraska. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. A few peas short of a casserole. The cheese slid off his cracker. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn’t pour **** out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Not the brightest light bulb. Not the sharpest tool in the shed. Not playing with all 52 cards. A few sandwiches short of a picnic. A few feathers short of a full pillow. Somewhere, a village is missing its idiot. A few links short in a chain. A door without a handle. A few bits short of a byte.

Down in Virginia, the prosecutors brag they could get a grand jury to bring a ham sandwich to trial. In fact, just last week, a banana was actually convicted of murder. It was overturned on appeal.

How can you tell when there’s an elephant in your sandwich? When it’s too heavy to lift.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time) Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about. Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly. Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you’ll have to pee. 2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers. 5. Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. 6. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). 7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 8. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with. 9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will. 10. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. 12. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug. 15. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about. 16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly. 17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet. 18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 19. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better.. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn’t even pay for your sandwich!””Hey, man, I’m a PANDA!” the panda shouts back. “Look it up!”The manager opens his dictionary and reads: “Panda: a tree-dwellingmammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and whitecoloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said “Do you men know Jesus Christ?” They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?” One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled “his wife is here with his lunch”.

I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the shitter next to me started smoking…It was so disgusting I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich!

Sign at the pub, ‘Cheese roll £3.00, Ham sandwich £3.50, Hand job £10’.I said to the gorgeous barmaid, “Are you the one that gives the hand jobs?”She said sexily, “Yes, that’s me.”I said, “Well wash your hands girl and make me a ham sandwich!”

My dad is always complaining about the cost of things. “£1.50 for a coffee! £3.75 for a ham sandwich! 20p to just to go to the loo!”Honestly, he was moaning about it all of yesterday, so that’s the last time I invite him over to my house!

Me and my mate were sat in a cafe this morning, when the waitress came over and said, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”So we swapped!

If during an argument your wife pulls out a knife, pull out a loaf of bread…Her female instinct will kick in and she will make you a sandwich…Follow me for more relationship advice!

Strange new trend in the office. People putting names on food in the communal fridge…Today I had a cheese sandwich named Susan!

I went for a job in a sandwich shop but they said the roll had already been filled!

I’m not happy with our new sandwich toaster. We should have stuck with the old one…Oh well, better the Breville you know!

I’ve just finished my degree in sandwich fillings…I do my final eggs ham tomorrow!

I stopped at the services on the M6 last night for a sandwich, a Mars bar and a Diet Coke.I went to pay and apologised to the cashier that I only had a £50 note.She said, “It’s ok, just put the Mars bar back!”

Just got sacked from the cafe for putting my penis in the sandwich maker…They sacked her as well!

What do you call a woman that doesn’t make me a sandwich? An ambulance.

What do you call a woman that won’t make a sandwich? An ambulance.

A girl just asked me “When a guy says GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, what’s a good comeback?” I told her, “COMEBACK with a damn sandwich.”

Tell me you love me. Then get in the kitchen, make me a sandwich and let me play my video games so I know it’s real

I really want a sandwich, but I just don’t have the time or energy to find a girlfriend right now…..

Subway should be taken to court. They force their male employees to make sandwiches for other people and that is clearly sexist.

I was just making a sandwich when I thought to myself, So, there is a downside to divorce’.

Guys, it is true. Size DOES matter. When have you ever been satisfied after she brings you a small sandwich?

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

I don’t get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I’m in my underwear making a sandwich.

What do you call a woman with big tits who doesn’t make sandwiches? A compromise.

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.

Guys are always saying they get their woman to make them a sandwich right after sex. If she can walk straight after having sex, you’re doing it wrong! Go make your own damn sandwich!

I like to have sex in the kitchen so she doesn’t have to walk to far to make me a sandwich after. You know, because I’m a gentleman.

By saying you want a sandwich after sex you’re letting me know you suck at sex because you expect me to be able to walk afterwards.

I’ve never been interrogated, but I have ordered a sandwich at subway, so I think I’m prepared.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food here.”

When I get stressed I have a sandwich, a scone and a cup of tea…The doctor says I’m having picnic attacks!

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

I own a sandwich shop and am desperate for workers.I have a lot of rolls that need filling.