School Jokes

Little Johnny goes to class one day to find that he has a substitute teacher. As the class gets settled the teacher writes her name on the board and says, “My name is Ms. Prussy, that’s P-R-U-S-S-Y.” Some of the kids in classs snicker and she says sharply, “That’s WITH an R!” So class goes by and the kids come to school the next day and there is the substitute again. She stands up in front of the class and says, “Okay students, who can remember my name? And don’t forget the R!” About five hands go up and Dirty Johnny is one of them. He is jumping up and down trying to get her attention. The teacher says, “Okay Johnny, what is my name?” To this Johnny replies, “Ms. Crunt, C-R-U-N-T!!”

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whisky. “I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself, “and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up. If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.” The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects! on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink. “Lord have mercy,” the old man whispered, “he’s gonna be a Congressman!”

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved “I love you, Sally”. On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don’t know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says: “We’ve got to give it back”. She says, “Finders keepers” & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home. One knocks on the door & says: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?” She says: “No”.. The husband says: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” She says: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.” But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him. One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” The old man says: “Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday …” At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: “We’re outta here …”

When is a school paper not a school paper? When it’s turned into the teacher.

Q: What did the Momma Buffalo say to her child as he left for school? A: Bison!

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.” He smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not run a red light’ five hundred times.”

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.” The lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?” The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.” Again, the lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?” The first woman continued boasting, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.” And again, the Southern lady commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?” The first woman then asked the Southern lady, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?” “My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Southern lady. “Oh my God! What on earth for?”, asked the first woman. The Southern lady responded, “Well for example, instead of saying “Who gives a sh*t?” I learned to say, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

– Your sister’s a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted? – For the longest time I lived with a hairdresser named Bruce, but then I had this sudden relapse of heterosexuality. – When we get back to my apartment, whatever you do, don’t tease the pony. – You know, if my wife wasn’t so hung up on this faithfulness thing, she’d probably say you were my cutest girlfriend yet. – I had to break up with my last girlfriend. She welded a coat- hanger to the metal plate in my head and was using it as antenna to read my thoughts. – No, really, I read Playboy for the articles. – My most painful memory? Hmmm… That would have to be when those three guys cornered me in the showers in prison. – I’m not free Sunday. I’m going to help OJ look for the real killer. – How about after dinner we take a romantic stroll by the oil refinery? The fumes will give you a really cool buzz. – Now I’m just speaking hypothetically here, but let’s say you were at some guy’s house, opened the refrigerator, and saw a human head. Would you call the cops? – I was thinking tonight we’d go to a French restaurant. Have you ever been to Jacques En Ze Box? – I always wanted to be a doctor, but I couldn’t get into med school, so now I just pursue gynecology as a hobby. I even have my own stirrups.

At school, I saw my principal walking around in a daze. I asked him whathappened, and he just looked at me and said, “I’ve lost my faculties!”

D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O M M A’S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed ! before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. B U Y A G R A Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. N A G A M E N T When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary littleboy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing,destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down tothe bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friendshuddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them,”What’s the Purple Wombat?””You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the children exclaimeddisgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy,always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy,confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.”Hey, Mister Bus Driver!” one of the chldren shouted. “Billy doesn’t knowwhat the Purple Wombat is!”The bus driver turned around abruptly. “You don’t know what the PurpleWombat is?” he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in thevery back of the bus, all by himself.Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went toclass. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegianceand worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then theteacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really payingattention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the PurpleWombat.Billy’s hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked,”Teacher, what’s the Purple Wombat?””You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the teacher cried in alarm,”Get yourself to the principal’s office right now, young man. No, no buts –march!”So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to theprincipal’s office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, andtimidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, satthe principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thinmustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough tofrighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost totears.”Well, Billy,” he began slowly. “What seems to be the problem?””Mr. Principal, I just don’t know what’s going on today. Everyone’s beenacting weird, and they’re all treating me really badly. Like teacher justsent me to you and stuff.””Now, Billy, I’m here to help you. I’m the princi-Pal, after all.Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone’s acting so strangely?””It’s because I don’t know what some stupid Purple Wombat is.””What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is? That’s it. I am callingyour mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended.”The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home.Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother wasstanding in the doorway waiting for him.”Billy!” she called, sobbing, “I was so worried about you! What happened?””Mom,” Billy cried, “Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in theback of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal’soffice and the principal suspended me, all because I don’t know what thePurple Wombat is!””What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” Billy’s mother shrieked.”Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!”So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed,crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doorsshutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talkingdownstairs but didn’t know what they were saying. Then he heard footstepscoming up the stairs, and his door opened.”Billy,” his father began in that lecturing-father tone, “Your mother saysyou’ve been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you’ve done?””Dad, I haven’t done anything! I just don’t know what the Purple Wombat is!””You…don’t know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you canjust stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!”Billy’s father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on hisbed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way — lyingthere, crying, wishing he would wake up.Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said:”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy.”Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find thesource of the voice, but he could not.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy.”It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on,opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat.”Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He gotto the edge of a wood.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy.”The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and veryfrightening, but Billy didn’t care. He had to find out what the PurpleWombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy.”Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he keptfalling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going,driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy.”Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the townlake.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I’m out here, Billy.”It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboatsfrom the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, itwas very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy.”The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, andthe boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way acrossthe lake, he heard: “Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I’m up here, Billy.”It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood upto look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn’tknow how to swim, so he drowned.Moral: Don’t stand up in a boat.

I am very detail-oreinted. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable. Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty! Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume. I am sicking and entry-level position. It’s best for employers that I not work with people. Here are my qualifications for you to overlook. I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated. If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope. My fortune cookie said, “Your next interview will result in a job.” And I like your company in particular. You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate! I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt. Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity. Please disregard the attached resumeit is terribly out of date. Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable. Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately. Previous experience: Self-employed–a fiasco. Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business. My experience in horticulture is well-rooted. Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years. I am a rabid typist. Education: College, August 1880 – May 1984. I have a bachelorette degree in computers. Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math. Graduated in the top 66% of my class. Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school. Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer. Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes. I worked as a Corporate Lesion. Special Skills: Speak English. Served as assistant sore manager. Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job. Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel. Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts. Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis

Q: Why did the kid dump a bucket of water off the school roof? A: He wanted to make a big splash in front of his class.

Q: Who is always your friend at school? A: Your princi-pal.

For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you’re sitting there reading jokes

A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she feared the electrical storm might harm her child. Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child’s school. As she did, she saw her little girl walking along. At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile. Another and another flash of lighting followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile. When the mother’s car drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called to her, ‘What are you doing?’ The child answered, ‘I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture.’

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. “Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?” “Yes, dear,” replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it to her daughter. “But then when I have a baby,” the teenager pondered, “won’t it knock all my teeth out?”

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he’s in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. “Fred,” the driver replies. “Fred what?” the officer asks. “Just Fred,” the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. “Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?” The man replies, “It’s a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. “When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. “After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. “Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling . . . so now I’m just Fred.” The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again. 3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included. 4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. 5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. 6. Stock up and save. Limit: one. 7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale. 8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. 9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. 10. Dinner special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. 11. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. 12. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home. 13. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. 14. Great dames for sale. 15. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. 16. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. 17. Vacation special: have your home exterminated. 18. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours. 19. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. 20. For rent: 6-room hated apartment. 21. Man, honest. Will take anything. 22. Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first. 23. Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person. 24. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. 25. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 26. And now, the Superstore — unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. 27. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Q: What’s the friendliest school? A: Hi school.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch. The seaman asks “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off.” “Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well…”, replied the pirate, “While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals” “Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eyepatch?” “A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.”, replied the pirate. “You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well…”, said the pirate, “…it was my first day with the hook.”

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny,Pat?” “I just saw one of your garters!” “Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days!” The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?” “I just saw both of your garters!” Again, she yells, “Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don’t want to see you for three weeks!” Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. “Where do you think you’re going?” she asks. “From what I just saw, my school days are over!”

A soldier meets a pirate in a bar and after a few minutes the talk turns to their adventures. The soldier notices that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. “How did you end up with a peg leg?” the soldier asks. The pirate replies, “I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.” “Wow!” says the soldier. “What about your hook?” “Well,” answers the pirate, “we were boarding a ship when one of the enemies chopped off my hand.” “Incredible!” the soldier exclaims, “How’d you get the eye patch?” “A seagull pooped in my eye,” the pirate replies. “You lost your eye to seagull poop?” “Well,” says the pirate, “it was my first day with the new hook.”

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war. “In 1942,” he says, “the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, ” he continues, “one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me.” At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, “I think I should point out that ‘Fokker’ was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company” “That’s true,” says the pilot, “but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidt’s.”

In 1957 while in Elementary school Chuck Norris drew a sketch of a square apparatus with astonishing details. 50 years later, Apple used that same sketch to design and develop what we know now as… the ipad.

REVISED HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM FOR SO. CAL. NAME______________________________ GANG NAME_________________________ 1) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold? 2) Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus’ $800 per day crack habit? 3) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make a 20% profit. How many ounces will he need? 4) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4×4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes, and 3 4×4’s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900? 5) Raoul got 6 years for murder, he also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? **Extra credit question: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money??** 6) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight-ounce cans of spray paint? 7) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up? 8) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa with one week’s salary? 9) Billy steals Joe’s skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his Magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked? REMEMBER SAY NO TO DRUGS. GOOD LUCK & NO TALKING.

Times change. Recently there was a demonstration by a large number of students at several Howard County high schools in Columbia. The students were protesting the fact the teachers got paid, when it was they who did all the work.

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart Senate Office Building Phone (202) 224 3254 Washington DC, 20510 Dear Senator Harkin, As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you. My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill’s provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005. Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as ‘in-state’ tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son. Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver’s license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car. If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance. Your Loyal Constituent, Donald Ruppert Burlington, IA

Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!

Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.

Q: Why did the schoolteacher who was in love with head of the school take out a loan with the bank? A: Because she had an interest in the principal.

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school. He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade. “I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly,” the teacher said, “50 points for putting it back together correctly — and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler.”

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry….we can’t hire you.” “But wait,” he said. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!” “Really? Great! Show me!” So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. “Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will NOT have our employees womanizing all over the country!” “Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!” “Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?” “Oh,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt! HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago. KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “It’s the minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother. Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.” MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?” ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!” DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.” SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!” BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found”, the boy called out.” What have you got there, dear?” With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear

What’s the difference between God and a medical school graduate? God doesn’t think he’s a doctor.

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. “Why do we have to learn this stuff?” The young man blurted out. “To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture. A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?” The professor stared at the student for a long time. “Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”

“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.” “I love cats…they taste just like chicken” “Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.” “Cover me. I’m changing lanes.” “As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools” “Happiness is a belt-fed weapon” “Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.” “Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.” “I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. …Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….” “Montana – At least our cows are sane!” “The gene pool could use a little chlorine.” “I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.” “Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!” “It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.” “When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.” “I took an IQ test and the results were negative.” “If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?” “Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!” “It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.” “Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!” “Forget about World Peace….. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!” “Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.” “Give me ambiguity or give me something else.” “We are bom naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.” “Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.” “He who laughs last thinks slowest”

Q: Why was Jon walking backwards on the first day of school? A: Everyone kept saying it was back to school time.

For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. He chose to find out peoples’ favorite pastimes. The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university. He knocked on the first door and a man answered. “Sir, what is your name?” asked the student. “John.” “Sir, I’m doing a school study and would like to know what is your favorite pastime?” “Watching bubbles in the bath,” came the reply. He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door. He asked again, “Sir, what is your name ?” “Jeff.” “Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime?” “Watching bubbles in a bath,” was the answer. Quite amused and confused, he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime… “watching bubbles in a bath”. He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses, to continue the survey. At the first house, he knocks and an attractive girl opens the door. Our surveyor starts again – “What is your name?” “Bubbles.”

Q: What did the angry inflatable teacher say to the irresponsible inflatable child in the inflatable school? A: Not only have you let me down, you’ve let yourself down, and you’ve let the whole school down!

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” even when you don’t know anything. The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug!”

A Sunday School teacher read a passage from the Old Testament book of Jonah to her class: “And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying ‘I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.’ … and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land.” (Jonah 1:17 — 2:2, 10) When she had finished reading, the teacher said, “Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?” Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: “You can’t keep a good man down!”

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, To which the boy replied, “Yes he did. Dad said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn’t it son?” The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.” The dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in the cherry tree.”

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, “When you’re lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” The first guy immediately responds, “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man.” The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow.” The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, “I guess I’d like to hear them say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’”

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved “I love you, Sally”. On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don’t know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says: “We’ve got to give it back”. She says, “Finders keepers” & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home. One knocks on the door & says: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?” She says: “No”.. The husband says: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” She says: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.” But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him. One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” The old man says: “Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday …” At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: “We’re outta here ..”

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn’t kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looks at it and to her surprise; little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?” Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. “Well then,” she replies, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?” Little Tommy looks at her and says, “Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze. You can’t remember…is pot illegal? You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula. You can’t remember…..is pot illegal? A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don’t even notice. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag. You can’t remember…is pot illegal? It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station about “STORM WATCH.” You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. Both you AND your dog have therapists. You can’t remember…… is pot illegal???????

Little Johnny sees that his friend at school has a new watch so he asks him how he got it. “I waited until I heard the bedsprings squeaking in my folk’s bedroom and then I ran in. My father gave me a watch to get rid of me.”, replied the little friend. Little Johnny, thinking that this was a cool idea waited that night until he heard the bedsprings squeaking rhythmically and then ran into his folk’s bedroom. “What do you want!”, asked the father gruffly. “I want a watch!”, said Johnny. “Well sit down and shut up!”, replied the father.

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich. He said, “Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?” She said “I love it but I have to stop eating it.””Why?” he asked. She pointed to her lap and said “Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!” “Let me see” he said. “Okay” and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, “That’s right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.” He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, “I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,I’m starting to get feathers down there too!” She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said, “Oh, my God, it’s too late for you! You’ve already got the neck and the gizzards.”

Why was Jon walking backwards on the first day of school? Everyone kept saying it was back to school time.

Q: Older Brother: “Hooray! School’s out! I’m free! I’m free!” A: Younger Brother: “So what? I’m four!”

The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven… which part of your body goes first?” Suzie raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.” “Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzie?” Suzie replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!” “What a wonderful answer!” the Nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs.” The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. “Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?” Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, ‘O God, I’m coming!’ If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free back to school shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an Oklahoma jersey and says to his older sister, “I’ve decided to become a Sooner fan and I would like to wear this to school”. His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, “Go talk to mother”. Off goes the little lad with the Oklahoma jersey in hand and finds his mother. “Mom?” “Yes son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this jersey”. The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, “Go talk to your father!” Off he goes with the Oklahoma Jersey in hand and finds his father. “Dad?” “Yes son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this jersey”. The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says, “No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT CRAP!” About half an hour later they’re all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says “Son, I hope you’ve learned something today?” The son says, “Yes, Dad, I have.” “Good son, what is it?” To which the son replies, “I’ve only been a Oklahoma fan for an hour and I already hate you Texas bastards.”

Fred and Mary get married but couldn’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s Mom and Dad’s house for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, ‘No’. Johnny asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.’ Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, ‘Are Fred and Mary up yet?’ She replies, ‘No.’ Johnny says, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school .’ After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, ‘Are Fred and Mary up yet?’ His mom says, ‘No.’ He asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘Ok, now tell me what you think?’ He says: ‘Last night Fred came t o my room for the Vaseline and I think… I gave him my airplane glue.’

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston. The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. “No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.” The “conversation” went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, “I’m sorry for the delay but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?” The man replied, “I’m from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I come to hook up your phone.”

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn’t have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, “How many grains of sand are in the beach?” Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, “How many stars are in the sky?” and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, “Here’s this week’s question,” Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, ” Okay, who’s the comedian with the black balls?” Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, “Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!”

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the Kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, “Johnny, what is the matter?” Little Johnny groaned and responded , “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?” Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.” Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.” Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!” The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?’!”

One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place an object behind her and describe it. The first person to get it got a piece of candy. First she said, “The object is red and grows on trees.” A kid raised his hand and said “an apple” the teacher said correct. Then she said, “The object is flat and comes in different colors” a different kid raises his hand and said it is a notebook! The teacher said correct. Then Johnny said, “ooh! ooh! Can I try?” The teacher said yes. He stood up and put his hand in his pocket. He said “The object is round, hard, and has a head on it.” The teacher said “JOHNNY! GO TO THE OFFICE!!” Johnny said, “No it’s a quarter!”

Where Grandma Lives When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. “Is that your grandmother?” I asked. “Yes,” Chris said. “She’s come to visit us for Christmas.” “How nice,” I said. “Where does she live?” “At the airport,” Chris replied. “Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her.”

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!” “But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.” “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.” “Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!” “Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.” “Give me two reasons why I should go to school.” “Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the PRINCIPAL!”

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man….She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators…

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers… Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High”. Don’t let worry kill you — let the church help. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. Thursday night–Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet” in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11th. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.” Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.” Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers’. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.” For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

A high-school geometry teacher, started one lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. “If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles.” He noticed that one student wasn’t taking notes and asked him why. “Well,” he replied sincerely, “I’m waiting until you start speaking English.”

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question. So the uncle asked, “What is three plus four?” The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, “Seven.” The uncle said, “Listen kid, you can’t count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets.” So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, “What is five plus five?” The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, “Eleven.”

Why didn’t the little girl want to leave nursery school? She wanted to be a nurse.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked,’Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE . God is watching.’ Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn’t have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, “How many grains of sand are in the beach?” Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, “How many stars are in the sky?” and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little johny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, little johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, “Here’s this week’s question,” little johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, ” Okay, who’s the comedian with the black balls?” Immediately, little johnny stands up and says, “Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!”

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’ Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.’

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn’t notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn’t move. The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity and curses at the man. The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car then handcuffs her and takes her to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects and says, “I’m really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the “Choose Life” license plate holder, the “What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the “Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.”

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved “I love you, Sally”. On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don’t know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says: “We’ve got to give it back”. She says, “Finders keepers” & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home. One knocks on the door & says: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?” She says: “No”.. The husband says: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” She says: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.” But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him. One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” The old man says: “Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday …” At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: “We’re outta here …”

Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained started talking about their kids. The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.” The second guy said, “Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.” The third man said: “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.” The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. .. What about your son?” The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.” The three friends said: “What a shame…what a disappointment.” The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.”

Maybe this is why they don’t teach music in high school any more. Following are actual answers from students on music tests… – The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna. – Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines. – Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony. – All female parts were sung by castrati. We don’t know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants. – Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven’s Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin’s Rap City in Blue. – Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco. – A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. – Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. – Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys. – I know what a sextet is but I’d rather not say. – Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. – Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.

At school, I saw my principal walking around in a daze. I asked him what happened, and he just looked at me and said, “I’ve lost my faculties!”

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her assh*le does when she has an orgasm. “Sure!” she says, “He’s at home taking care of the kids…”

“What’s the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?” the woodwork teacher asked Judi, the only girl in the woodwork class during the first day of school. Judi pondered the question for a moment, then replied, “Well, I can’t rightly say as I know, ’cause I ain’t never been ‘bolted’.”

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist’s daughter came up and gave her teacher a box. The teacher said, “I’ll bet these are flowers!” The girl replied, “How did you know?” “Just a lucky guess,” she said. Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, “Just a lucky guess.” Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box’s corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine. The boy said, “No.” She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no. Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box. He said happily,”A puppy!”

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy — Either way, you get your dog back!”

It is a little-known fact that before becoming a singer, Bing Crosby ran a boarding school for boys in San Antonio, Texas. One of the boys who lived in the dorm was in the habit of taking off on Friday afternoons, going to Mexico, and getting drunk. But he kept his studies up during the week, and because his parents were wealthy and important trustees, the school took no action against him. However, one Friday afternoon he got together with a day student, and they both disappeared. The parents of the day student were concerned when their son didn’t come home, so they called Bing Crosby to ask after him. Bing Crosby said, “Don’t worry. Your son is soused with the boarder, down Mexico way.”

A Mother’s Quotes PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!” MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY’S MOTHER: “I don’t mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?” MONA LISA’S MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?” HUMPTY DUMPTY’S MOTHER: “Humpty, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!” COLUMBUS’ MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!” BABE RUTH’S MOTHER: “Babe, how many times have I told you-quit playing ball in the house! That’s the third broken window this week!” MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?” NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: “All right, Napoleon. If you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!” CUSTER’S MOTHER: “Now, George, remember what I told you-don’t go biting off more than you can chew!” ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: “Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?” BARNEY’S MOTHER: “I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you’re starting to look a little purple.” MARY’S MOTHER: “I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.” BATMAN’S MOTHER: “It’s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?” GOLDILOCKS’ MOTHER: “I’ve got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?” LITTLE MISS MUFFET’S MOTHER: “Well, all I’ve got to say is if you don’t get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there’ll be a lot more spiders around here!” ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: “But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?” GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!” JONAH’S MOTHER: “That’s a nice story, but now tell me where you’ve really been for the last three days.” SUPERMAN’S MOTHER: “Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we’ve decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?” THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!”

George Bush goes to a primary [elementary] school to talk about the war. After his talk, he opens the floor to questions. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. “Billy, he says.” “And what is your question, Billy?” I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?” Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, “OK, where were we? Oh that’s right – question time. Who has a question?” Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name “Steve, he says” “And what is your question, Steve?” “I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the f**k happened to Billy?”

A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher: “Morning Tommy, and why weren’t you at school yesterday?” “Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt.” “Oh Dear, he wasn’t too badly hurt I hope?” “Oh yes Miss, they don’t mess around at those crematoriums.”

At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult,” Gonzalez said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘there are 3 sides to every triangle”. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes”.

A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son… “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” Without looking up from his game, the boy pointed out, “When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States.”

Political Correctness For Kids – Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s “passage-restrictive.” – Kids don’t get in trouble anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.” – You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.” – No one’s tall anymore. They’re “vertically enhanced.” – You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.” – You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal.” – It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “transmission of near-factual information.” – The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged.” – Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.” – You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness.” – You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.” – You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.” – You’re not being sent to the principal’s office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him mutter, “How did you get yourself into this?” Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support. “Are you okay?” I asked. “Can I help?” He lifted his head and replied, “I’ll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker.”

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.” Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

Older Brother: “Hooray! School’s out! I’m free! I’m free!” Younger Brother: “So what? I’m four!”

Q: Why didn’t the little girl want to leave nursery school? A: She wanted to be a nurse.

This is a test for Intelligent People. I have determined that you qualify. The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you if you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don’t scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question! 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tested whether you tend to do simple things In an overly complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Did you say, Open the refrigerator, Put in the elephant, And close the Refrigerator? Wrong Answer. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, Put in the elephant and close the door. This tested your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend….except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tested your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, You still have one more chance to show your true abilities. 4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage? Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference. This tested whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. AndersonConsulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat. Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, “What’s the Purple Wombat?” “You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children. “Hey, Mister Bus Driver!” one of the chldren shouted. “Billy doesn’t know what the Purple Wombat is!” The bus driver turned around abruptly. “You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself. Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat. Billy’s hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, “Teacher, what’s the Purple Wombat?” “You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the teacher cried in alarm, “Get yourself to the principal’s office right now, young man. No, no buts — march!” So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal’s office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears. “Well, Billy,” he began slowly. “What seems to be the problem?” “Mr. Principal, I just don’t know what’s going on today. Everyone’s been acting weird, and they’re all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff.” “Now, Billy, I’m here to help you. I’m the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone’s acting so strangely?” “It’s because I don’t know what some stupid Purple Wombat is.” “What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is? That’s it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended.” The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him. “Billy!” she called, sobbing, “I was so worried about you! What happened?” “Mom,” Billy cried, “Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal’s office and the principal suspended me, all because I don’t know what the Purple Wombat is!” “What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” Billy’s mother shrieked. “Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!” So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn’t know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened. “Billy,” his father began in that lecturing-father tone, “Your mother says you’ve been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you’ve done?” “Dad, I haven’t done anything! I just don’t know what the Purple Wombat is!” “You…don’t know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!” Billy’s father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way — lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up. Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy.” Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy.” It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat.” Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy.” The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn’t care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy.” Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy.” Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I’m out here, Billy.” It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy.” The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: “Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I’m up here, Billy.” It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn’t know how to swim, so he drowned.

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally….I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Keeping it Safe Dad is from the old school, where you keep your money under the mattress only he kept his in the underwear drawer. One day I bought my dad an unusual personal safe a can of spray paint with a false bottom so he could keep his money in the workshop. Later I asked Mom if he was using it. “Oh, yes,” she replied, “he put his money in it the same day.” “No burglar would think to look on the work shelf!” I gloated. “They won’t have to,” my mom replied. “He keeps the paint can in his underwear drawer.”

What the teacher says and (what the teacher means) 1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed informationfrom his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test). 2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can’t stay seated for five minutes). 3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction. (He’s definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met). 4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don’t intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn’t done one assignment all term). 5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from15 feet away). 6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working). 7. Your daughter’s greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument). 8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. (He’s a bully). 9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond). 10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. (She’s so immature that we’ve run out of diapers). 11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. (He must have written the Whiner’s Guide). 12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year’s repetition of her learning environment. (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade). 13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).