Search Jokes

Herbert A. Millington Chair – Search Committee 412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University College Hill, MA 34109 Dear Professor Millington, Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me an assistant professor position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Whitson’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future applicants. Sincerely, Chris L. Jensen

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water’s edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, “The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.”

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter “Where is my father?” But St. Peter says he doesn’t know. He asks the archangel Gabriel “Where is my father?” But Gabriel doesn’t know. He asks John the Baptist “Where is my father?” But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching. Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. “Stop!” Jesus yells. “Who are you?” “Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son.” Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? “Tell me of your son, old man.” “Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know…” “Father!!!!!” Screams Jesus. “Pinocchio!!!!!!!” yells the old man.

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.” Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay, ” says the lawyer, “your turn”. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, “Thank you, ” and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a “nooner.” “Don’t worry,” he purrs. “My wife is out of town on a business trip, there’s no risk.” As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, “We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!” “No problem,” her lover replies. “I’ll get my wife’s diaphragm.” After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. “That witch!” he exclaims. “She took it with her! I always knew she didn’t trust me!”

An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn’t find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. “Look here, old chap, what are you doing?” the officer asked. “I’m sorry,” the American replied, but I really gotta go.” “You can’t do that here,” the officer told him. “Look, follow me.” The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. “Here,” said the policeman, “whiz away.” The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. “Ahhh,” he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, “This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?” “No,” retorted the policeman. “It’s the French Embassy.”

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find him. So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship. It read: “Ma’am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000….please advise.” The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

A bee is flying around looking for some nectar to make his honey and cannot find any. so this other bee buzzes up and says “hey there’s a bar mitzvah in that banquet hall over there and there’s TONS of flowers in there you can get your nectar from!” so the bee buzzes over the bar mitzvah in search of these flowers. an hour later he comes back wearing a yarmulke. the other bee buzzes up and says “hey! why are you wearing that?” to which the bee replies, “i didn’t want them thinking i was a WASP.”

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peaks in and catches his folks in the act. Before daddy can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, “Oh boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees… Johnny hops on daddy and starts going to town… pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.. Johnny cries out, “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the mailman usually get bucked off.

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. “Quick,” said the woman to her lover, “into the closet!” and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. “Who are you?” he asked. “I’m an inspector from Termite Busters,” said the exterminator. “What are you doing in there?” the husband asked. “I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,” the man replied. “And where are your clothes?” asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, “Those little bastards.”

Q: Zombie: Where do fleas go in winter? A: Werewolf: Search me.

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, “Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?” The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, “Do you have anything for this?” The lady looked closely at her and replied, “Have you tried Clearasil?”

Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dreaded disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age. The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one’s surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones. But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, “You’ve got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn’t any calcium in a kiss!” The scientist replied calmly, “In a good kiss, there’s enough calcium to make a BONE about 6 to 8 inches long.”

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘Pretzel’ hold he has, whatever you do don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!” The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, “how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!” The wrestler answered,”well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.” “So, the trainer exclaimed, ‘that is what finished him off?!” “Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls.

Captain Kidd prepared with his crew to search for buried treasure. Before setting out he consulted with his dentist, who advised him that all the best treasure out there was in the gold fillings of the teeth of various bodies, such as he might find in a cemetery or at the site of some battlefield. He kept this advice secret from his crew, and so when they landed on a desert island, they scattered, each using his own preferred means of treasure hunting, while Captain Kidd looked for cemeteries. He found several, dug up the bodies, and extracted many gold fillings from many teeth. He also came upon an old battlefield, and by exhuming the bodies there he was able to find still more gold fillings. He returned to the ship and met his crew, who had come back empty-handed, while Captain Kidd had two pouches brimming with the fruits of his labor. The crew asked him the secret of his success, to which he replied, “Before setting out, I consulted with my dentist, who said to me, ‘Booty is tooth, and tooth booty. That is all you know on earth, and all you need to know.’”

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the town’s high birth rate. The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked, “Can you give me an idea was to why your town, above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?” The waiter thought a moment, then said, “I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, the C&A; Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you can guess, it’s too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up.”

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. You can’t have everything, where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Q: Why do scientists look for things twice? A: Because they research everything.

The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC: Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow – a bulimic dog Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso + Peekasso – an abstract dog Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer – a dog fresh and clean as a whistle Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever – the choice of research scientists Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound – a dog for financial advisors Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador – a dog that barks incessantly Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point – owned by….oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway Collie + Malamute = Commute – a dog that travels to work Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere – a dog that’s true to the end Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries. Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed. Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes. Bloodhound + Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that’s not much fun. Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet. Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack a strange voice echoed from the dark, saying: “JESUS IS WATCHING YOU” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “JESUS IS WATCHING YOU”. Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot. “Yep” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you!” The burglar relaxed……..”Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?” “Moses”, replied the bird. “Moses”! the burglar laughed. “What kind of stupid people would name a parrot “Moses”? The bird promptly replied “Probably the same kind of people who would name their Rottweiler “Jesus”…

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS: 1. WON’T BEAT ME UP 2. WON’T RUN AWAY 3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail…all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, “Who are you and what do you want?” “Hi,” said the man “Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I’ve got no arms, so I can’t beat you up and I’ve got no legs, so I can’t run away.” The old woman asked, “What makes you think you’re so great in bed?” To which he replied, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean. The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life. A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it. Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: “Quick… tell me which bear ate your friend!” The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot. “I’m not really sure,” said the other guy, “they both look similar.” “QUICK! Make up your mind!” said the ranger. “O.K.,” said the other, “it was the male.” The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man. “But why didn’t you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?” the other man asked. “Well,” said the ranger… “I never trust anyone who says that the Czech’s in the male!”

Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it on the nose as hard as possible.” “If this doesn’t work, beat the shark with your stump.”

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the country. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman’s back. What is the man’s name? After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first from Vancouver, says “My answer is, there IS no answer.” The second, from Toronto, says “My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.” The third one from Newfoundland says “I’m not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It’s either: “Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.” The Newfoundlander got the job.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “YEOWW! ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or1/2 inch socket you’ve been searching for the last 45 minutes. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires. RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures. Also used as replacement for screwdriver. MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “DAMMIT” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. “Quick,” said the woman to her lover, “into the closet!”, and she pushed him into the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. “Who are you?” he asked him. “I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,” said the exterminator. What are you doing in there?” the husband asked. I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,” the man replied. “And where are your clothes?” asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, “Those little bastards!”

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4″ (used to be 5’6″), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated! flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes. MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together. MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in ‘the act’. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims “Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”

Guy walks into a petshop and sees three parrots, priced $500.-, $1,500.-, $2,500.- and $30,000.-, so he asks the owner, “Hey why are those parrots so expensive ?” “Well,” says the owner, “that first one can speak english, german and mandarin perfectly and translates any sentence you desire, from one language into another.” “What about the second one ?” “Well, that parrot not only knows four languages, but can also type business letters using a computer” “And the third one ?” “Oh, that one can speak seven languages, use the computer, e-mail, internet and does online research for you.” “Amazing ! And what about the last one ?”, says the guy. “Oh ! … that one doesn’t do anything at all. Just sits there all day long.” “Then why is it so expensive ?!?!?!” The owner takes the guy to the side and whispers, “Well, I haven’t seen it do anything, but the other three parrots call it BOSS”.

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?” The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?” Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh… no, I didn’t know that.” “Secondly,” says the lawyer, “my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children.” The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. “Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another with learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?” The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m sorry, I had no idea.” And the lawyer says, “So… if I didn’t give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I’d ever give any to you?”

A factory worker at a factory that made hammers, screwdrivers and other small tools, was seen taking the trash through the front door in a wheelbarrow. The security guard stopped him and informed the employee that he would have to examine the trash to be sure there were nothing being smuggled out of the factory. The employee didn’t object and the guard proceeded to searched the trash. He did not find anything unusual and let the employee continue. The next day, the employee again took the trash out with a wheelbarrow. As expected, the guard insisted upon searching the trash, but still found nothing unusual. This continued for a month and the security guard was becoming extremely suspicious. One day, he decided he would confront the employee. When the employee brought out the trash, the guard said, “I know you are taking something from here but I just can’t find it. You had better confess now or else!” The employee decided there was no way out and he said, “You know all the times I have taken out the trash and you searched it and found nothing?” “Yes…” replied the guard, eager for an answer. The employee continued, “Well so far I have taken 30 wheelbarrows.”

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?” “Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.” Obama frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?” The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.” The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?” Tony Blair walked into the room and said, “Yes, my Queen?” The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?” Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, “That would be me.” “Yes! Very good,” said the Queen. Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. “Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?” “I’m not sure,” said Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one..” He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men’s room and recognized Colin Powell’s shoes in the next stall. Biden asked Powell, “Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?” Colin Powell yelled back, “That’s easy, it’s me!” Biden smiled, and said, “Thanks!” Then, he went back to speak with Obama. “Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It is Colin Powell!” Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, “No! You idiot! It’s Tony Blair!” And that is what’s wrong with our government.

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.” Are you f@cking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M; freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? Or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always. Best, Wendi Austin, TX

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. “Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.” His father replied, “Do you love this girl?” “Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.” “No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.” Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom.” Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.” “Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.” “No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.” Her mother said simply, “In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’vebrushed your teeth.” “I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked. “Not a word,” her mother affirmed. “Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his sockshad come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?” “Oh, my god,” he replies, “you’ve swallowed my sock!”

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” “Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them. Third, lawyers multiply faster in numbers, Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to their torture. And fifth, there are some things even a rat won’t do. There is a drawback however; sometimes it’s very hard to extrapolate the test results to human beings!”

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now some what agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50!” figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer!?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?” Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?” “Yes” whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.” Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?” “Yes” came the answer. “May I talk with her?” Again, the small voice whispered, “No” Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child. “Yes” whispered the child, “a policeman.” Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?” “No he’s busy” said the little voice. “Busy doing what?” asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman.” came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard the sound of a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?” “A hello-copper” answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?!” asked the boss, now getting alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.” Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?!” Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “Me!”

There was a typical blond. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day she decided to get makeover. She cut and dyed her hair brunette and went driving down a country road, searching for someone who would appreciate her for her intelligence. When she came across a herd of sheep, she stopped and called the shepherd over. “That’s a nice flock of sheep,” she said. “Well thank you,” said the herder. “Tell you what, I have a proposition for you,” said the woman. “If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?” “Sure,” agreed the Shepherd. So the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied: “382”. “Wow,” said the shepherd. “That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home.” So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then the herder said: “Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess the real colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?”

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. “Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.” His father replied, “Do you love this girl?” “Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.” “No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.” Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom.” Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.” “Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.” “No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.” Her mother said simply, “In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’vebrushed your teeth.” “I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked. “Not a word,” her mother affirmed. “Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his sockshad come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?” “Oh, my god,” he replies, “you’ve swallowed my sock!”

A blonde speeder is pulled over by a blonde police officer. The blonde cop says “I need to see your license”. The blonde driver digs through her purse for awhile, and says “I can’t find it. What does it look like?”. So the cop, making a rectangle with her hands, says “it’s rectangular, and has your picture on it”. The blonde driver searches through her purse but can’t find it. She finally comes up with the only rectangular item, a small mirror. She looks at it, shrugs, and hands it to the blonde cop. The blonde cop looks at it, shrugs, and hands it back to the blonde driver. “Oh, you can go” the blonde cop says. “I didn’t realize you were a cop”.

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, “I’m chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”

Q: What did the aliens say, when they came to earth in search of soda pop? A: Take me to your liter!

Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.” he first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St.Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,”And just what do those Symbolize?” The man replied, “They’re Carols”.

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked to another, “Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers for experiments in our lab?” “Really?” replied the other researcher. “Why the switch?” “There were a number of reasons,” the first researcher explained. “First, our lab assistants don’t become so attached to them. Second, lawyers breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful. Third, animal rights groups have no objection to their torture and fourth, there are some things even a rat won’t do.”

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. “What happened?” she asks. “I’ve never been with a woman,” he says, “but if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn’t notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn’t move. The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity and curses at the man. The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car then handcuffs her and takes her to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects and says, “I’m really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the “Choose Life” license plate holder, the “What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the “Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.”

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?” Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?” “Yes”, whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.” Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?” “Yes,” came the answer. “May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, “No.” Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child. “Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman.” Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?” “No, he’s busy,” whispered the child. “Busy doing what?” asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?” “A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.” Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there?” Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me!”

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200. They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side.” The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?” The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?” The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Illinois.”

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles – or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. They told him the story. “Rabbi, we’ve tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?” The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, “Did you buy this cow from Minsk?” “Rabbi!” they replied as one, “You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?” The Rabbi said, sadly, “My wife is from Minsk.”

At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult,” Gonzalez said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘there are 3 sides to every triangle”. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes”.

What did the aliens say, when they came to earth in search of soda pop? Take me to your liter!

Q: What do you call the study of the purchase of tree parts? A: Stem sell research.

A Scotsman was out having a very good time on Saturday night sampling the local product and on the way home he passed out along the lane. Later in the night a wind came blowing by and blew his kilt up to his waist. Well, we all know what a real Scotsman wears under his kilt. Early Sunday morning the 2 town spinsters came by and saw him laying there. “Prudence have you ever seen such a sight!” one exclaimed. “No I haven’t Purity. He deserves some kind of punishment.” as she searched her bag. “Here this should do it.” And she tied a ribbon around his member. “Serves him right” they huffed and continued on to church. Later the Scotsman awoke and looked down at his member and saw the bright blue ribbon tied around it and said “Aye Laddie, I dunna know where ye been, but ye won ferst prize!.”

The AMA and NZMA has declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more fully considered. Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer’s Disease research. It is now projected that by the year 2015 there will be fifty million people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can’t remember what to do with them.

“An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman. Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning ,gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them. The Redneck simply replied, “They’re lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look ’em over and pick the one you want.” The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man’s opinion. “Well,” said the man, “she’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice…pigeon-toed.” The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went. “Well,”the man replied, “she’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell…cross-eyed.” The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect. She’s the one I want to marry.” So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents. “Well,” explained the Redneck… “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell… pregnant when you met her.”

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally….I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Mind Games for Dogs 1. After your humans give you a bath, DON’T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your human’s bedtime. 2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.) 3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they’re talking about. 4. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go ‘poo’. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag. 5. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by. 6. Make your own rules. Don’t always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while. 7. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don’t greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don’t reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears). 8. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

An astronomer looks at the sky through a telescope, searching for something. After a while he stands up, looks to the heavens, and yells, “You cannot be Sirius!”

10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address. 9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is “Hi, what’s your URL?” 8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail. 7. You’re amazed to find out spam is a food. 6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you. 5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest. 4. You introduce your wife as “my lady@home.wife” and refer to your children as “client applications”. 3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server”. 2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, “I feel so “colon-right parentheses!” And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek: 1. Two Words: “Pizza’s Here!”

In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a very generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow in North Carolina, for $200.00. They bought the cow from N. C. and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the local Vet; who was very wise; what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side.” The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow in North Carolina?” The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “But how did you know we got the cow in North Carolina?” The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye; “My wife is from North Carolina.”

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, “Is this a union house?” “No, I’m sorry, it isn’t,” said the Madame. “Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?” he asked. “The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20.” Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. At the second one, he asked the Madame, “Is this a union house?” “No, I’m sorry, it isn’t,” said the Madame. “If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?” he asked again. “The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20.” Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the Madame said, “Why yes, this is a union house.” “And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?” he questioned. “The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.” “That’s more like it!” the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. “I’d like her for the night.” “I’m sure you would, sir”, said the Madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, “but Ethel here has seniority.”

One day, this king decided to go hunting. So he gathered up his entourage of servants and went trekking into the woods, in search of deer. After searching for a while, he heard some rustling in the bushes nearby. He drew his rifle and aimed at the bush, when, all of a sudden, a man came running out, yelling, “Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! I’m not a deer!” The king shot him dead. After a little while, one of the king’s servants finally gathered up enough courage to ask the king, “Sire, why did you shoot that man? He said he wasn’t a deer!” The king replied, “Oh! I thought he said he was a deer!”

Understanding the Signs Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants’ restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped. Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men’s room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled “Bronco,” and the other was designated “Cactus.” Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. “Excuse me; I need to use the restroom,” Dave said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, “Which one should I use?” “Actually, we would prefer you to go there,” the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked “Men.” “Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms.”

When George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops, there were 33 (remember this number) in Washington’s boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites. Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, ‘General, I see lights ahead.’ They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn’t know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there. Washington was the first to speak, ‘Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.’ Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, ‘Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.. How many men do you have?’ Washington replied, ‘Well, Madam, there are only 32 of us here without Peters.’

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts. Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists’ camp completely ravaged. There was no sign of the missing men. They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists, because they feared an international incident. They killed the female and cut open the bear’s stomach and, sure enough, found the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, “You know what this means, don’t you?” “Of course,” the other ranger nodded. “The Czech is in the male.”

One day, this king decided to go hunting. So he gathered up hisentourage of servants and went trekking into the woods, in search ofdeer. After searching for a while, he heard some rustling in the bushesnearby. He drew his rifle and aimed at the bush, when, all of asudden, a man came running out, yelling, “Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot!I’m not a deer!” The king shot him dead.After a little while, one of the king’s servants finally gathered upenough courage to ask the king, “Sire, why did you shoot that man? Hesaid he wasn’t a deer!”The king replied, “Oh! I thought he said he was a deer!”

A Dictionary of Project Terms Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties. (We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.) Major Technological Breakthrough. (Back to the drawing board.) Developed after years of intensive research. (It was discovered by accident.) Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.) The design will be finalized in the next reporting period. (We haven’t started this job yet, but we’ve got to say something.) Test results were extremely gratifying. (It works, and are we surprised.) Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem. (We just hired three new guys; we’ll let them kick it around for a while.) Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.) The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.) Modifications are under way to correct certain minor difficulties. (We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.)

Also known as ‘women’s intuition,’ this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what’s going on in their man’s lives almost better than they do. Why is this? In the early 80’s researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain’s two hemispheres than men do. It’s these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly unconnectable pieces. That, and they go through all your stuff while you’re in the shower!

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth, he decides on exactly what he will buy.He buys a 20 acre plot of land in Mexico and hires an architect. I want mi casa to be built right there, with big columns in front, and a marble foyer, and at the end of the hall I want a halo statue. The architect, excited aboutmaking mega bucks off this man, jots down exactly what the Mexican wants,I’ll do it sir, I’ll make this a fine house for you! All the plans are made and the architect starts construction. He searches six different countries to find exquisite columns for the front of the house and has marble shipped in from France to line the foyer. The only problem he has is that he cannot locate a halo statue. Knowing that religious symbols are important to many Mexicans, he continues to search high and low for month after month. The house is finally complete, but alas, the architect was never able to locate a halo statue. Swallowing his pride for not being able to complete the order, he takes the Mexican to see his new home. Si Senor! exclaims the Mexican. You got da columns in front of mi casa! The architect smiles. They enter the house and the Mexican notices the marble floor. Wonderful! I love mi new marble floor Senor! states the Mexican as he wanders down the hall. He reaches the end of the hall and looks puzzled. Senor Where is my halo statue? asks the Mexican Well, sir, I’m afraid to have to tell you this, but I searched high and low and just could not for the life of me figure out what a halo statue is, much less find one for you anywhere, says the architect, hanging his head in shame. What You don’t know what a halo statue is? No, sir, I’m sorry, I do not know, replies the architect. You know, says the Mexican, it’s that thing that goes ‘ringy dingy’ and you pick it up and say, ‘halo statue’

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you,” Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot. “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you,” The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?” “Moses,” replied the bird. The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses’?” “The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus’.”

Bilingual Lawyer A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.” But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. “What did he say?” asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, “He said ‘get lost, Gringo. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.’”

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?” So the first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell — but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.” “That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. “It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.” Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. “Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator…”

Why do scientists look for things twice? Because they re-search everything.

Growing Old Gracefully? An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” “In fact, I do”, said the man. “After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I’m usually hot and sweaty and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.” “This is very interesting”, replied the doctor. “Let me do some research and get back to you.” After examining the lady, the doctor said: “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked: “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?” “Oh that old coot!” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!”

At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other researcher replied. “Why did you switch?” “Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do.”

Chocolate Test {…No cheating!!} Take this cute chocolate test to find out your true being. If you were buying candy and you had your choice of the following,which would you choose? BABY RUTH 3 MUSKETEERS BUTTERFINGERS SNICKERS HERSHEY’S ALMOND JOY with ALMONDS CLARK BAR GOOD ‘n’ PLENTY ENERGY BAR CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS Ok – Now That We Have Your Choice, This Is What Research Says About You!!! And NO….you can’t change your mind once you scroll down. So think carefully about what your choice will be! BABY RUTH – Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy items. A little nutty. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. 3 MUSKETEERS – You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your sabre. BUTTERFINGER – Smooth articulate, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don’t try to walk and chew gum at the same time. SNICKERS – Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you. But you are a practical joker – others should be cautious in shaking hands! HERSHEY – Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt. ALMOND JOY – Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very energetic, and really like to get into life. The opposite sex is always attracted to you. CLARK BAR – You like sports, whether baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but enjoy watching sports. You don’t like to give up the remote control. GOOD ‘n’ PLENTY – You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person. ENERGY BAR – Life is passing you by. Get a life!!!! Go eat a plum. CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS – You go to the bathroom often.

There was a typical blond. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day she decided to get makeover. She cut and dyed her hair brunette and went driving down a country road, searching for someone who would appreciate her for her intelligence. When she came across a herd of sheep, she stopped and called the shepherd over. “That’s a nice flock of sheep,” she said. “Well thank you,” said the herder. “Tell you what, I have a proposition for you,” said the woman. “If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?” “Sure,” agreed the Shepherd. So the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied: “382”. “Wow,” said the shepherd. “That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home.” So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then the herder said: “Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess the real colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?”

True or False 1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. 2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton. 3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs. 4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more. 5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart! 6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties. 7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. 8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old. 9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. 10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498. 11. The average housefly lives for one month. 12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. 13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. 14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. 15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day. 16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep. 17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water. 18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot. 19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in “An Officer and a Gentleman” and “Tootsie”. 20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem. 21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk. 22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash. 23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor. 24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery. 25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins. 26. If coloring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green. Answers: All of the above are true. Don’t you just love number sixteen?

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde’s driver’s license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman “What does a driver’s license look like?” Irritated, the blonde cop said “You dummy, it’s got your picture on it!” The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, Aha! This must be my driver’s license” and handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, “You’re free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle.

Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

The man who invented the wordsearch has died…His funeral will be held next:T T I S P V G K M P H J G U O N Q U X N M O N D A Y W Z B A T K T E N O P G H C V N K O T D I M

I had an idea about a film plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris….Turns out that idea was taken!

I’m doing scientific research about men having sex with dogs…If you have any questions, I’ll be in my lab!

A group of road workers disappeared last weekend. The Police sent out a search party, no joy…But I’m happy to tell you they resurfaced this morning!

I was strip searched by the police. It started out as a routine stop, but I lied and said I had some coke up my arse. They then took me down the station and gave me the full works, fingers up and instruments in…I feel bad but how else is a gay ginger meant to get some action?

Tinder is for rookies. Jump on Facebook marketplace and search for wedding dresses…It will present you with a list of recently divorced females in your area and you can even filter by size!

I’m a scientist who’s researching bestiality between humans and dogs…If you want me, I’ll be in my Lab!

Accordion to research you can slip the name of musical instruments into sentences without anyone noticing!

Police searching for a missing child heard heavy breathing coming from a parked van. But, when they looked, it was just a kid napping.

I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.

eBay’s search feature can be so useless sometimes and other times be equally worthless with overkill. I tried to look up cigarette lighters and they had 13,749 matches.

I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don’t have to go to family functions any more.

“According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”

Researchers in Hawaii recently put webcams on the fins of sharks so they could get a firsthand view of what the sharks see. The first thing they saw: a shark eating the guy who strapped a webcam on its fin.

My aunt sent me a private message on fb, telling me that I shouldn’t post things that some people might find offensive. After much soul searching I had to do the right thing, so I unfriended her

Researchers say men are 3 times more likely to be the first to say “I love you”, than women. In our defence, ladies, we don’t mean it

I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.

You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.