Season Jokes

I think Santa Claus is a woman …. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they – with amazing calm – call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem suprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) on this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man: – Men can’t pack a bag. – Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. – Men would feel their masculinity is threatened.. having to be seen with all those elves. – Men don’t answer their mail. – Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowl full of jelly.” – Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them. – Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. – Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men …… Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, goodwill, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole’s version of “The Christmas Song” it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she’d quit dressing like a guy!!

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. “Homer,” said the doctor, “just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.” They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor’s office.. “What’s wrong?” asked the Doc. “Didn’t my idea work?” “Oh, it worked real good,” said Homer. “Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home again.” “Good, Homer. So what’s the problem?” asked the Doc. “I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started.”

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand: See the list below… OKRA (Dec 22 – Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try. CHITLIN (Jan 21 – Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 – March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it. MOON PIE (March 21 – April 20) You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not. POSSUM (April 21 – May 21) When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don’t-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business. CRAWFISH (May 22 – June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads. COLLARDS (June 22 – July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache. CATFISH (July 24 – Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one’s whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies. GRITS (Aug 24 – Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart. BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 – Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you. BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 – Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies. ARMADILLO (Nov 23 – Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another service station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. “Was the other Indian crazy or what?” The Indian replied “No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there’s a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.” Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Immediately, there was the answer. “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening. The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, “Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!” He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Like the others, he then heard an answering call, “WOOOOOOOOO,WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!” With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read….. NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

The young lady strolled through the National Zoo and finally paused in front of the monkey island. Mystified as to the whereabouts of the animals, she queried the keeper, “Where are all of the monkeys?” “They’re all back in the cave, Miss.” he responded, “It’s right in the midst of the mating season.” “I see.” she replied, “Do you think they’d come out if I offered them some of these peanuts?” Smiling the keeper responding, “Well, I can’t rightly say as I know, Miss. Would *YOU*?”

That’s a bit expensive just for a dare isn’t it? I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths yesterday. Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were a man… I had a dress like that. My boyfriend made me throw it away because he said it made me look like Edna Everage. Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your pimples… Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me? Yes, YOU Look, if you’re that desperate to attract a man I’ll fix you up myself Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don’t. Is the ‘plain, severe and drab’ look in this season? Size 12? That’s a bit optimistic isn’t it? Hi, I’m from Weightwatchers I wouldn’t buy that dress if I were you. All it does is accentuate your roots Excuse me, but since you’re obviously colourblind would you like any help? Isn’t it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that? God, you’re fat. Don’t you care about yourself? I’m sorry, I owe you an apology. I’m the store detective and I followed you in here because I thought you’d stuffed six dresses, four skirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it’s really all you…

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?” Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.” Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.” Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!” The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?’!”

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?” The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.” The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.” “And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No.” The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!” “That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.” “That’s kind of what I’m getting at,” replied the doctor.

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand: See the list below… OKRA (Dec 22 – Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try. CHITLIN (Jan 21 – Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 – March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it. MOON PIE (March 21 – April 20) You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not. POSSUM (April 21 – May 21) When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don’t-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business. CRAWFISH (May 22 – June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads. COLLARDS (June 22 – July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache. CATFISH (July 24 – Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one’s whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies. GRITS (Aug 24 – Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart. BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 – Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you. BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 – Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies. ARMADILLO (Nov 23 – Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ’em. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… when the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” five guys and two women stand up. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.” You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the choir is known as the “OK Chorale”. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… Baptism is referred to as “branding”. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… people think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the collection plates are really hub caps from a ’56 Chevy. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… instead of a Bell, you are called to service by a duck call You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink”. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… “Thou shalt not covet” applies to hunting dogs, too. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now Ya Hear!”

Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.” he first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St.Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,”And just what do those Symbolize?” The man replied, “They’re Carols”.

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush announced yesterday that with the holiday season at an end he will mobilize selected units of the Salvation Army in order to boost troop levels in Iraq. The designated units-the 15th Strip Mall Patrol and the 17th Kmart Brigade-will receive eight weeks of intensive training prior to being deployed. “The Salvation Army has a proud history of serving pastries and hot coffee to battlefield troops since World War I,” said the president, “but desperate measures call for desperate times and vice versa. Therefore, I have authorized the establishment of Operation Kettle Korps, a program that will train members of the Salvation Army for combat duty.” At a brief question-and-answer session following this announcement, CNN’s Wolf Blitzer asked the president whether Operation Kettle Korps amounted to a back door draft. “No,” said Bush. “These units are already in the army, aren’t they?” Embattled secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld, taking time out from hand-writing letters of condolence to the families of soldiers killed recently in Iraq, praised the decision to mobilize the Salvation Army. “Do I think this is a good idea?” asked Rumsfeld, jabbing the air with his calligraphy pen for emphasis. “Of course I do. It’s about time we went to war with the army that we want. If ever there was an army with God on its side, the Salvation Army is it. Besides, we undermine troop morale if some members of the army are getting their guts shot out while others are standing around asking, ‘Decaf or regular?’” John Larsson, the Salvation Army’s general, also endorsed the mobilization. Larrson spoke with reporters on Kettle Force 1, his army’s private jet, while on his way to South Asia. “I have received a number of inquiries from our soldiers who were itching to kill a few terrorists for Christ,” he said. “I’m happy that Jesus has seen fit through his minister on earth to give them their chance. Christ be supreme.” The first contingent of Operation Kettle Korps troops is scheduled to arrive at Fort Benning, Georgia, on January 15. After they have been trained and sent to Iraq, Salvation Army members currently serving pastries and coffee to troops will return to the United States for military training. Their duties in Iraq will be assumed by members of Arnie’s Army, a private noncombat force maintained by golfer Arnie Palmer. In related news, Tiger Woods said that his army was “not up to fighting right now, as we’ve been in a slump recently.” Woods said that as soon as his members had worked out the kinks in their bayonet swing, they would be “ready for the majors.”

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two – at least three pound live lobsters – one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says, “Well me laddie, I got you this time – with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!” The Newfie says, “No my son, you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended.” The Fisheries Officer says, “Trained… like how?” “Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!” “Likely story”, the Fisheries Officer says! “Lets take them on down the wharf and see if it’s true.” So, the Newfie goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water. The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, “How about whistling?” The Newfie says, “What For?” The Fisheries Officer says, “To call in the lobsters.” The Newfie says, “What lobsters?”

Why Men Are Just Happier People! What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Their last name stays put. The garage is all theirs. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. They can be President. They can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell them the truth. The world is their urinal. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress – $5000; tux rental – $100. People never stare at their chest when they’re talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood, all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. They know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. They can open all their own jars. They get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Their underwear is $6.95 for a six pack. Everything on their face stays its original color. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. They don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. They almost never have strap problems in public. They are unable to see wrinkles in their clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. They don’t have to shave below their neck. Their belly usually hides their big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. They can “do” their nails with a pocketknife. They have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. They can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?” The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, ‘bang, bang’ and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?” The 90-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else shot that beaver.” The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?” One student raised his hand and asked, “How much for a season pass?”

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. “Homer,” said the doctor, “just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.” They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor’s office. “What’s wrong?” asked the Doc.. “Didn’t my idea work?” “Oh, it worked real good,” said Homer. “Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home again.” “Good, Homer. So what’s the problem?” asked the Doc. “I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started.”

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, “COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!” He enters and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, “OK, truck drivers aren’t nerds.” As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender replied, “Don’t worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don’t even need a license.” So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers – computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season.” “Well, sure,” says the patrolman, “But you can’t bait ’em!”

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better… I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?” The doctor replied, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went “bang, bang, bang”, and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?” The 90-year old said, “I’d say somebody else shot the beaver.” The doctor said, “My point exactly”.

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts. Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists’ camp completely ravaged. There was no sign of the missing men. They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists, because they feared an international incident. They killed the female and cut open the bear’s stomach and, sure enough, found the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, “You know what this means, don’t you?” “Of course,” the other ranger nodded. “The Czech is in the male.”

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?” At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: “How much for a season pass?”

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?” The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, ‘bang, bang’ and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?” The 90-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else shot that beaver.” The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

Yesterday I dressed up as Lara Croft and tomorrow I’m dressing up as Maleficant…Well ’tis the season to be Jolie!

It’s great to hear that Lion King FC have had a good start to their football season…A win away, a win away, a win away…

My brother plays football for a team called The Musketeers.They started the season well, with three wins and a draw…All 4-1 and one 4-all!

It’s gardening season. Five weeks ago I planted myself on the sofa and I’ve grown considerably!

My wife just left me. She says my life revolves around football and she’s sick of it…I’m quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons!

My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray. He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.

Okay, I’m lost… Can someone please lend me Facebook: Seasons 1 and 2 ???

Survivor would be a cooler show if only one contestant remained alive at the end of the season and that was the prize.

My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bullshit. It’s our sixth season together.

Sorry I wasn’t ignoring you I was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show I found.

7 million people watched the “Game of Thrones” season finale. Seven million people. That’s one viewer for each “Game of Thrones” character.

Kiefer Sutherland is filming next season of ’24’ in Magaluf. The main villain will be an 18 year old blowing 24 victims up.

Fighter plane escorts a passenger jet in to Manchester airport as the pilot reported a suspicious item on board. The United team bringing back a trophy this season.

Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.

Dearest Neighbors, Please do NOT call the police, it’s not domestic violence or a wild party. It’s football season, that’s just me screaming at my TV.

It would be so much more “festive” if UPS and FEDEX guys dressed as Santa while delivering packages during the holiday season

We have three types of friends in life: Friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.

Steven Tyler is quitting American Idol after two seasons! I sure am going to miss that old lady!!!

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.

I had a job in a salt and pepper factory…It was just seasonal work!

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she’s sick of it.I’m quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

My brother is dating a girl called Rosemary…I don’t know what he season her.

I made a device that travels to the past to make sure food is properly seasoned.I call it my Thyme Machine.

Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office.I’m on season 6 but I’m not really sure what it’s got to do with security.

My boss told me that as a security guard it’s my job to watch the office.I’m on season 6 but I’m not really sure what it’s got to do with security.