Second Jokes

Two men were walking through the desert. They were nearly out of water when they saw three tents in the distance. The hurried over to see if they could get some water. In the first tent they were told, “I’m sorry we only have trifle.” In the second tent, again, “I’m sorry we only have trifle.” They went into the third tent and again asked for water only to be told, “I’m sorry we only sell trifle.” As they walked on, one turned to the other and said, “That was a trifle bazaar.”

A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was just too far from the stage. He whispered to the usher, “This is a mystery play and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a great tip.” The usher discreetly moves him up to the second row and the man hands the usher a crisp $1.00 bill. The usher looks at the dollar, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers . . . “The butler did it.”

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. “Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. “Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked. Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded… “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”The Policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says,”Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds “…think hard before giving me a stupid answer.” The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm…the suspect wears contact lenses.” The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer…wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation? “That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. As she suspected it would be, the million- dollar question was no pushover. It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?” The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.” The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logicalthing to do. On the other hand — the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. “I need an answer,” said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.” “Is that your final answer?” asked Regis. “Yes, that is my final answer.” Two seconds later, Regis said, “I regret to inform you that the answer is-…… absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!” Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. “Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you,” said the contestant. “Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way……how did you happen to know the right answer?” “Oh, come on!” said the blonde. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks.”

A blonde was standing on the river bank looking confused when she spotted another blonde across the river. The first blonde shouts to the other, “How do I get to the other side?!?” The second blonde shouts back, “You are on the other side!!!”.

Two robins were sitting in a tree. “I’m really hungry,” said the first one. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.” They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more. “I’m so full, I don’t think I can fly back up into the tree,” said the first one. “Let’s just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,” said the second. “OK,” said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought… “I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS.”

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.” The lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?” The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.” Again, the lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?” The first woman continued boasting, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.” And again, the Southern lady commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?” The first woman then asked the Southern lady, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?” “My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Southern lady. “Oh my God! What on earth for?”, asked the first woman. The Southern lady responded, “Well for example, instead of saying “Who gives a sh*t?” I learned to say, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don’t hurt. 3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there. 4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous chicks swarming all around him. Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, “What’s your secret?” The guy whispers, “All you gotta do is stick a pickle in your pants.” In a fluorish, the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants. But when he returns to the shore, he soon discovers that every single girl that looks his way, runs off screaming in bloody terror. Confused, he hurries over to the first guyand desperately asks, “Why are all the girls running away from me?” The first guy looks up and replies, “The pickle’s on the wrong side.”

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Austin until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. “Cool,” they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. “This is going to be easy.” Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, “Ya know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with mice in my church. I’ve tried everything–noise, spray, cats–nothing seems to scare them away. The second Pastor then said “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I’ve set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won’t go away.” With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, “I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church… Haven’t seen one back since!!!”

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained the trial to him. “You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in… but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8… and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?” The second one replied, “I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT. A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00). He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin It’s mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural-looking open water for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float in. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG…??? Let’s talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice. The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his Master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog’s rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master. Then ” BOOOOOOOOM…. The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with “I can’t believe this just happened” looks on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments. The dog is okay. . .doing fine. And you thought Rednecks only live in the South………

Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE”. The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral services for Eddie have been scheduled for Friday.

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel. Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds. That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease. As a joke, the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast. Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organizers decided to let the city boy have a try. Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony. Everyone was astonished. “Considering you’ve never even sat on a horse before,” said Tommy’s friends, “how on earth did you manage that?” “Easy,” said Tommy, “my wife’s an epileptic.”

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, “Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, “No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.” So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, “Will you please make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa again says, “No, not now. I don’t really want to do that. I’m in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.” Then the third little boy comes out and says, “Grandpa, oh please… Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?” “Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa asked. The little boy replied with a hopeful face, “Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!”

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day, these were the results: The first worm in alcohol – dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke – dead. Third worm in sperm – dead. Fourth worm in soil – alive. So the Science teacher asked the class – “What can you learn from this experiment.” Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said – “As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won’t have worms.”

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, “$5.00 – If I can’t tell you where you’re from, I’ll pay you $50.00” The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, “Is the sign right?” The Indian says, “yes.” The cowboy hands him a five and says, “”you’re on” The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, “you’re from Wyoming.” The cowboy shakes his head and says, “I’ll be darned! You’re right” and strolls away. A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, “you’re from Montana” The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away. The young man decides he’s going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the mensroom, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, “do your stuff” The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he’s gone one up on the Indian. The Indian says, “You’re from Arkansas” The young man gets really upset and can’t for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, “How in the world did you know I’m from Arkansas?” The Indian replies, “by the wool on your zipper.”

For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I car-pooled to our children’s soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn’t be able to take my turn. A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn’t mention anything about his father’s whereabouts. Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed. “Yes,” he replied, “she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don’t worry. I told her I didn’t know.”

Two women in the one horse town of Parched Gulch had daughters, each of marriageable age. But there were no prospective husbands in town due to shootings, running off with outlaws and drunk riding. And there was no chance at all of any bridegrooms turning up. The two mothers pooled their meager resources, advertised, and sure enough, they got results: twin brothers in Cactus Corners looking for wives. The twin bridegrooms were sent for. Along the way the twins met up with outlaws. One was killed, the other escaped. Upon his arrival, the mothers were in immediate conflict as to whom the surviving twin belonged. They were going to kill each other over it. After all, each had a daughter’s future at stake. They took the case to Judge A.K. Hornswoggle, alcoholic, disbarred, but with Solomonic frontier wisdom. After due deliberation, Hornswoggle ruled that the young man be chopped in half and one half awarded to each daughter. The first mother was outraged. If Hornswoggle wasn’t drunk or stupid, he was a monster for suggesting such a thing. The second mother thought it would not be a bad solution. And pointing to the second mother, Hornswoggle said, “Your daughter gets him. You are the real mother-in-law.”

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, “I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, but occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse says, “I worked in an operating room. It’s a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The third nurse says, “I was a case manager for an HMO.” St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse’s file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, “Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven … for five days!”

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home … including the curtain rods.

While vacationing in Turkey a second time, I couldn’t keep the Arabicnames straight, but I saw many familiar fezzes.

A man was walking into the hospital for a routine examination the other day. Just as he reached the main entrance, another man, who had just exited the hospital, keeled over on the sidewalk. The first man ran towards the second and noticed that he was obviously dead. The man rushed into the hospital, grabbed the first doctor that he could find, and screamed, “Doctor, Doctor!! A man just walked out of the hospital and dropped dead on the sidewalk!! What should I do?” The doctor thought about this dilemma for a few moments, then suggested, “Spin him around. Make it look like he was coming in.”

A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen. So he asked, “God, are you listening?” And God replied, “Yes my son, I am here.” The man stopped and pondered some more. He looked towards the sky and said, “God, what is a million years to you?” God replied, “Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you.” So the man continued to walk and to ponder… walk and ponder… Then helooked to the sky again and said, “God, what is a million dollars to you?” And God replied, “My son, my son…a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little.” The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, “God, can I have a million dollars?” And God replied, “In a second.”

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, “What is three times three?” “274” was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?” “Tuesday”, replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three”? “Nine”, says the third man. “That’s great!” says the doctor. “How did you get that”? “Simple,” says the third man. “I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”

Bubba decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily timbered property. A salesman showed him the latest model chain saw and assured him that he could easily cut three or four cords of wood per day with it. But the first day, Bubba barely cut one cord of wood. The second morning he arose an hour earlier and managed to cut a little over one cord. The third day he got up even earlier but only managed to achieve a total of 1 12 cords of wood. Bubba returned the saw to the store the next day and explained the situation. “Well”, said the salesman, “let’s see what’s the matter.” He then pulled the cable and the chain saw sprang into action. Leaping back, Bubba shouted, “What the heck is that noise?”

Jesus has been crucifixed and reappears to his disciples. He tells them that he will grant them a wish before he ascends into heaven. The disciples get together and confer. After much arguing Peter says “Could you do that walking on water thing again? It was so cool”. Jesus smiles, agrees and the next day they set out onto the sea of Gallilee in Peter’s boat. They stop far from the shore and Jesus steps off the side of the boat onto the water. He immediately disappears under the surface and the disciples rush to drag him back into the better. Jesus looks flustered, but vows to have a second go. Once again he steps off the boat and sinks quickly below the surface. The disciples drag him back and apologize for having asked him to walk on water. But Peter begins to doubt in the Messiah and can’t help asking why Jesus can’t repeat the miracle. “Oh, I can”, Jesus insists, “at least I could before I had these bloody holes in my feet”.

At first, I didn’t think this qualified as a joke, then I checked my bank balance! For the record, I am in no way responsible for the accuracy of these figures, I just paste ’em as I finds ’em!! Michael Jordan having “retired,” with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not. If he s 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you ‘d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600. This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn’t it? However… If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

A woman went to the doctor, who examined her. He said, You have a bad back. The woman said, I want a second opinion. The doctor said, All right! You’re ugly as well.

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, …”I’d like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit… “And what can I get for you, Mr. President?” George W. looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark wink and slight grin,…. “How about a quickie this morning?” “Why, Mr. President!” the waitress exclaims “How rude! You’re starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you’ve only been in your second term of office for a year! As the waitress storms away. Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers……….. “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!” she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes.” Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher’s telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again. “Never mind,” giggles the blonde, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that would be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new M-1 Battle Tank, a pair of twin well built, neatly kept brothers who looked like they had just stepped off an Army Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the best Army in the world?” The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!” The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!” The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, “What skills can you bring to this man’s Army?” The young man says, “I chop wood!” “Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Army, what else do you know how to do?” “I chop wood!” “Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century and our battles are fought with our minds as much as with our bodies!” “Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!” “Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!” The young man rolls his eyes and says, “Duh! I have to friggin’ *chop* it before he can pile it!”

REVISED HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM FOR SO. CAL. NAME______________________________ GANG NAME_________________________ 1) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold? 2) Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus’ $800 per day crack habit? 3) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make a 20% profit. How many ounces will he need? 4) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4×4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes, and 3 4×4’s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900? 5) Raoul got 6 years for murder, he also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? **Extra credit question: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money??** 6) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight-ounce cans of spray paint? 7) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up? 8) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa with one week’s salary? 9) Billy steals Joe’s skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his Magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked? REMEMBER SAY NO TO DRUGS. GOOD LUCK & NO TALKING.

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.. The waiter came and took their drink order. ‘I would like a Sprite,’ said the first little piggy. ‘I would like a Coke,’ said the second little piggy. ‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner ‘I want a nice big steak,’ said the first piggy.. ‘I would like the salad plate,’ said the second piggy. ‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. ‘I want a banana split,’ said the first piggy. ‘I want a cheesecake,’ said the second piggy. ‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ exclaimed the third little piggy. ‘Pardon me for asking,’ said the waiter to the third little piggy,’ But why have you only ordered beer all evening?’ The third piggy says – ‘Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. “Look !” she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. “And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.” For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Services are pending.

Two robins were sitting in a tree. “I’m really hungry,” said the first one. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.” They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more. “I’m so full, I don’t think I can fly back up into the tree,” said the first one. “Let’s just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,” said the second. “O K,” said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought… “I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS.”

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!” she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes.” Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher’s telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again. “Never mind,” giggles the blonde, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn’t, sent them off to get one. They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards — his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk’s office, caught him again, and got another license. This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk… After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied. Judge: “I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards.” Groom: “That’s funny – that’s just what the clerk called you.”

A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine. She fumbled through her purse for a dime and went over to the machine and inserted the coin. Out came a card that said “You weigh 126 pounds. and in 30 seconds you will pass gas”. Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she passed wind. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine. After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read “you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30 seconds, you will be ravished” Again, after 30 seconds, 2 men came out of an alley, dragged her back into the alley and attacked her. Afterward, fumbling through her purse, she managed to find another dime. She dragged herself over to the weight machine and put in her last dime. Again a little card popped out that said, “you still weigh 126 pounds, and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus”.

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. “That’s my pager,” he says. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.” A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, “That’s my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.” The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows. “I’m getting a Fax,” he explains

A couple of rednecks went on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see. One of the sights was a bridge that was more than 1,000 feet above the river. Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it swaying in the wind. “I don’t think I want to drive the car across this bridge,” one said to the other. “What are you worried about”? the second replied. “It’s a rental.”

An IT student is walking along with his bike when another IT student walks up to him and goes “Nice bike. Where did you get it?” The first student says, “The other day, this beautiful woman ran up to me with this bike, threw it on the ground, ripped off all her clothes and said Take anything you want!’” The first student says, “So I took the bike”. The second student says, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit”.

Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk. The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks”. To which the second gal replied, “You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!” And the third proclaimed, “I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!” They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: “Ladies, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.”

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big. What kind of car you get will depend on your answer.” The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, “How long were you married?” He answered, “24 years.” “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”, St. Peter asked. The guy said, “Yeah, 7 times … but you said I was forgiven.” St. Peter said, “Yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto to drive.” The second guy walked up and got the same question from St. Peter. He answered, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out.” St. Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that. Here’s a Lincoln.” The third guy walked up and said, “St. Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!” St. Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar!” A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar, crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked him what was wrong, he said, “I just saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!”

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn’t maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean’s office, followed by one of his star players. “You can’t keep him from playing!” the coach roared. “We won’t win this weekend without him!” “I don’t care,” the dean said. “Things have gotten out of hand at this college.” “What do you mean, out of hand?” the coach demanded. “I’ll show you what I mean,” the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, “Tell me,how much is six times seven?” The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, “Thirty- one?” The dean turned to the coach and said, “I rest my case.” “Oh, come on now,” the coach said. “Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one.”

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO): 1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area. 2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake. 3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes. 4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can’t find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure. 5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it. 6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars. 7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return. 8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don’t understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops. 9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes. 10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection. 11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations. 12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost. 13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere. 14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake’s life. 15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.) 16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date. 17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft. 18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs. 19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don’t show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO’s without power lines or SAM’s. 20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire. 21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target. 22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can’t receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons. 23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW. 24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factory where he had just been hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in its manufacturing process. On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise, and the shift manager asked his tour guide what it was doing. As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise. he said The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple. On the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a hiss.. hiss hiss-pop sound during the manufacturing process. Wait a second, the future shift manager says, I know what the hiss, hiss is but whats with the pop noise every once in awhile? Oh, that he he. Its the same as the baby bottle nipple process. said the guide It pokes a hole in every third condom. But that cant be good for the condoms! the observant shift manager replied. Nah, but its really good for the baby bottle nipple business!

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. “Walmart!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughter will visit me twice a week.”

Backseat Driver My wife and I get along just great, except that she’s a “backseat driver” second to none. After years of putting up with her pestering, I finally decided I’d had enough and advised her that I would no longer drive with her in the car. Later that day, on my way home from doing some Christmas shopping at the mall, I heard my cell phone ring as I was merging onto a freeway. It was my wife calling. By chance, she had entered the freeway right behind me. “Honey,” she said, “your turn signal is still on. And put on your lights; it’s starting to rain.”

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference roomtable the interviewer asked “What is the fastest thing you know of?” Pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied “A THOUGHT. It pops into your head. There’s no forewarning that it’s on the way, it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.” “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “And now you sir?” He asked the second man. “Hmm….let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.” “Excellent!” said the interviewer “The blink of an eye. That’s a very popular cliche for speed,” as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant.” TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.” The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light.” He said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question. “After hearing the three previous answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.” “WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. “Oh I can explain.” said the fourth man. “You see the other day I wasn’t feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom.! But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I HAD SH*TTED IN MY PANTS! HE GOT THE JOB!

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean. The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life. A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it. Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: “Quick… tell me which bear ate your friend!” The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot. “I’m not really sure,” said the other guy, “they both look similar.” “QUICK! Make up your mind!” said the ranger. “O.K.,” said the other, “it was the male.” The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man. “But why didn’t you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?” the other man asked. “Well,” said the ranger… “I never trust anyone who says that the Czech’s in the male!”

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles and he will stop snoring. ‘Yeah right!” she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, “I don’t know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry….we can’t hire you.” “But wait,” he said. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!” “Really? Great! Show me!” So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. “Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will NOT have our employees womanizing all over the country!” “Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!” “Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?” “Oh,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the country. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman’s back. What is the man’s name? After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first from Vancouver, says “My answer is, there IS no answer.” The second, from Toronto, says “My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.” The third one from Newfoundland says “I’m not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It’s either: “Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.” The Newfoundlander got the job.

On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?” So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.” The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?” And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.” The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?” And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.” But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?” “Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.” So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.

St Peter is standing at heaven’s gate when a man walks up. “Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?” “I was a policeman,” he responded. “What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked. “I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.” “Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.” A few moments later a second man walks up. “Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?” “I was a policeman,” he responded. “What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked. “I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers.” “Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise.” A few moments later a third man walks up. “Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?” “I was a policeman,” he responded. “What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked. “I was a Military Policeman, Sir.” “Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?”

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

A teacher asks her class, ”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny. ”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.” The teacher replies, ”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.” Then Little Johnny says, ”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?” The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.” ”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on…but I like your thinking.’

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price? Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon. Customer: What’s the difference in the paint? Clerk: Oh, there isn’t any difference; it’s all the same paint. Customer: Well, then I’d like some of that $12 paint. Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint? Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It’s my day off. Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint. Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint? Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday. Customer: You’ve got to be *&%^#@* kidding! Clerk: I’ll check and see if we have any paint available. Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it! Clerk: But it doesn’t mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don’t have any more $12 paint. Customer: The price went up as we were talking? Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven’t actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want? Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I’ll have enough. Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can’t do that. If you buy paint and don’t use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have. Customer: WHAT? Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint. Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it! Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don’t, it causes us all sorts of problems. Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don’t keep painting until after Saturday night! Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint. Customer: But what are all these, “Paint on sale from $10 a liter” signs? Clerk: Well that’s for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans. Customer: To hell with this! I’ll buy what I need somewhere else! Clerk: I don’t think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won’t be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon. Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200! Clerk: That’s if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different. Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you’ll confiscate the remaining paint. Clerk: No, we’ll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you’re getting it now, sir. Customer: You’re insane! Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another service station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, ‘Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. God thought for a moment and said, ‘Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.’ So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the angel returned he went to God and said, ‘Yes, it’s true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.’ God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said? Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either.

Subject: PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD … GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD Crawford, Texas (AP) A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where the books were kept. Both books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one. The White House tried to call FEMA but there was no answer.

A man was in a bar and needed a light for his cigarette. The man next to him pulled out a long, thin lighter such as the first man had never seen before. The first man asked the second man where he got it. The second man said, “There is a genie living in a bottle next to the river. If you go there and rub the bottle, the genie will grant you one wish.” The first man found the bottle near the river and rubbed it. The genie appeared and said, “I will grant you one wish.” The man thinks for a while and says, “I want one million bucks.” The genie says, “It is done. Go home and in one hour go look out of your window into your front yard.” After an hour, the man looked outside and all he saw was DUCKS everywhere. The man was irate. He went back to the bar and said to the man with the lighter, “I am so disgusted. I found the genie, but instead of one million bucks, that genie gave me one million DUCKS. The other man said, “You think you’re disgusted. Do you honestly think I asked that genie for a nine-inch BIC?”

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender. The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn’t mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. “What’s your name?” He says to the first duck. “Huey” replies the first duck. “How’s your day been, Huey?” “Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.” “Oh. That’s nice,” says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck “Hi. And what’s your name?” “Dewey,” came the answer. “So how’s your day been, Dewey?” “Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again.” So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says “So, you must be Louie.” “No,” growls the third duck, “my name is Puddles. And don’t ask about my day.”

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A. 2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning. 3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On the 105 or 110, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered “Wussy.” 4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. L A has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Malibu, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way. 5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. 6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot. 7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of L A and Orange counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting. 8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks,dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires,cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items. 9. Mapquest does not work here — none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the freeway off and on ramps are moved each night. 10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally activated.” 11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot. 12. Do not try to estimate travel time — just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

Guy walks into a petshop and sees three parrots, priced $500.-, $1,500.-, $2,500.- and $30,000.-, so he asks the owner, “Hey why are those parrots so expensive ?” “Well,” says the owner, “that first one can speak english, german and mandarin perfectly and translates any sentence you desire, from one language into another.” “What about the second one ?” “Well, that parrot not only knows four languages, but can also type business letters using a computer” “And the third one ?” “Oh, that one can speak seven languages, use the computer, e-mail, internet and does online research for you.” “Amazing ! And what about the last one ?”, says the guy. “Oh ! … that one doesn’t do anything at all. Just sits there all day long.” “Then why is it so expensive ?!?!?!” The owner takes the guy to the side and whispers, “Well, I haven’t seen it do anything, but the other three parrots call it BOSS”.

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?” The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?” Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh… no, I didn’t know that.” “Secondly,” says the lawyer, “my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children.” The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. “Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another with learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?” The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m sorry, I had no idea.” And the lawyer says, “So… if I didn’t give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I’d ever give any to you?”

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. “Was the other Indian crazy or what?” The Indian replied “No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there’s a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.” Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Immediately, there was the answer. “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening. The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, “Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!” He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Like the others, he then heard an answering call, “WOOOOOOOOO,WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!” With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read….. NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

Passing An Exam Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.”Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim!”

Rifle Range Canceled At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?” At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, “Pardon me, ma’am, but may I sit here with you.” The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, “Why certainly,” and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down. For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything. Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, “Ma’am, may I ask you two questions?” With great anticipation Marcia replied, “Why certainly!” The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. “Marcia, I know we’ve only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?” Marcia grabbed at Jimmie’s hands and said, “Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!” She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, “You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?” Jimmie scratched his neck and said, “Will you help me get up?”

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Buttersworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Capt’n Crunch, Mr. Goodbar, The Tidy Bowl Man, and many others. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded, always rose to the occasion, but whose later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much his time on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was considered a roll model for millions, even as a crusty old man. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and a bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Said the first, “I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I’m the president and chairman of the board.” “I put up thirty percent of the money,” said the second, “so I’m appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer.” “Well I put up five percent,” pointed out the third partner. “What’s that make me?” The chairman said, “I’m appointing you vice president of violence and music.” “That sounds mighty fine,” said the third man, “but what does it mean?” “It means that when I want your bloody advice, I’ll whistle.”

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker the second Wednesday of every month.

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, “When you’re lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” The first guy immediately responds, “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man.” The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow.” The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, “I guess I’d like to hear them say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’”

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, “How are things going?” “Really bad,” said the second bee. “The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren’t any flowers, so I can’t make honey.” “No problem,” said the first bee. “Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit.” “Thanks for the tip,” said the second bee, and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, “How’d it go?” “Great!” said the second bee. “It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table.” “Uh, what’s that thing on your head?” asked the first bee. “That’s my yarmulke,” said the second bee. “I didn’t want them to think I was a wasp.”

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, sonny?” The young man replies, “A 1999 Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!” “That’s a lot of money, “says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?” “No problem,” replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right!” Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! something whips by him, going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!” the young man asks himself Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! and it looked like the old man on the moped! “Couldn’t be,” thinks the guy. “How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!” But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh, Ka- bblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my god! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man whispers with his dying breath, “Unhook…my suspenders… from your side-view mirror…”

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked “What is the fastest thing you know of?” pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied “A thought. It pops into your head. There’s no forewarning that it’s on the way, it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.” “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. And now you sir? He asked the second man. “Hmm…. let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.” “Excellent!” said the interviewer “The blink of an eye. That’s a very popular cliche for speed.” as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant.” Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.” The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light.” he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question. “After hearing the three previous answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhoea.” “WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. “Oh I can explain.” said the fourth man. “You see the other day wasn’t feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I’d crapped in my pants!” He got the job.

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The Government Employee called his cat and said, “CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.” CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet……. Ate the cookies…….. Drank the milk……. sh*t on the paper……. Screwed the other three cats……. Claimed he injured his back while doing so……. Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions……. Put in for Workers Compensation……………and Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave………… AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They’re up in heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. “Al, what do you believe in?” Al replies, “Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I’ve come to understand that now.” God thinks for a second and says, “Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left.” God then addresses Bill. “Bill, what do you believe in?” Bill replies, “I believe in forgiveness. I’ve sinned, but I’ve never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.” God thinks for a second and says, “You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.” God then addresses Hillary. “Hillary, what do you believe in?” “I believe you’re in my chair.”

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right … but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 — are you ready?” Barbara: “Sure, I’ll have a go!” Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is it…….. A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.” “I think I know who it..but I’m not 100%… No, I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure. Regis: “Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone? Barbara: “I’ll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.” (ringing) Maggie (also a blonde): “Hello…” Regis: “Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara’s and she’ll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer — fire away Barbara.” Barbara: “Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is it: A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush” Maggie: “Oh Gees, Barbara that’s simple…..It’s a Cuckoo.” Barbara: “You think?” Maggie: “I’m sure.” Barbara: ” Thanks Maggie.” (hangs up) Regis: “Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?” Barbara: “I want to play, I’ll go with C-Cuckoo” Regis: “Is that your final answer?” Barbara: “It is.” Regis: “Are you confident?” Barbara: “Yes fairly, Maggie’s a sound bet.” Regis: “Barbara…..you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo …you’re right! – You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara.” (clapping) That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks “Tell me Maggie, How in God’s name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest? Maggie: “Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.”

His four children were gathered around Mr. Stanley’s deathbed. As the eighty-year-old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the children started to discuss the final funeral plans. One wanted to spend a hundred dollars for a coffin, a second thought a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the remains into a paper sack. All agreed there was no reason to spend much money, as their father would never know the difference. Mr. Stanley stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was time to set the record straight. “Children,” he said, “I’ve never told you this and never wanted to, but I can’t go to my final resting place with this burden. My darling children, your mother and I were never married.” His oldest son was aghast. “You mean we’re all bastards?” Mr. Stanley said, “Yes. And cheap ones too!”

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in Western Kentucky out on a farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.” . So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him, “Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.” The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.” Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite .. shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite … spreading poop all over the farm. WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole. Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, “Ma, are you all right??!!” As she pulls up her panties she says, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen.

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, “Tsquare, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The Government Worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

One day God and Adam were walking in the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth. He told Adam, “Adam, you can start by kissing Eve.” Adam replied “God, what is a kiss?” God told Adam and Adam went and took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam came back out with a big smile and said “Wow Lord! That was great!! What next?” God said, “Adam, I now want you to caress Eve.” Adam says, “Lord what is a caress?” God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush. A little while later, he came out and said “Lord that was even better than a kiss! What next.” God said, “Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to take Eve and make love to her.” Adam said “Lord, what is to make love?” God explained and Adam took Eve behind the bush and a few seconds later came out and said “Lord, what is a headache?”

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely naked.” With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling “Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!” She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling “YES, I WIN! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!” With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left. The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, “What the hell did she roll anyway?” The second dealer answered, “I thought you were paying attention!”

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” “Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them. Third, lawyers multiply faster in numbers, Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to their torture. And fifth, there are some things even a rat won’t do. There is a drawback however; sometimes it’s very hard to extrapolate the test results to human beings!”

Three statisticians went duck hunting. A duck flew out and the first statistician took a shot, the shot went a foot too hight. The second statistician took his shot and the shot went a foot too low. The third statistician said, “We got it!”

Q: Can I ask you two questions? A: Ok, what’s the second one?

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.” So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.” They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said “Man, how did this happen?” The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. “Oh,” exclaims the doctor, “The pain must have been excruciating!” “It was,” said the hunter. “The second worst pain in my life.” “Second worst? What could have been worse than that?” “Coming to the end of the chain” said the hunter.

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter…. First Woman : “My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : “I know…” First Woman : “How?” Second Woman : “My dog told me.”

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 20 seconds.

A blonde who’s down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighborhood looking for odd jobs to do for money when she approaches a large house. She goes up the steps, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door.The owner then asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck, and is wondering if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting his porch repainted. He asks the blonde if she paints. The blonde says, “Sure! Anything.” The man replies “Well, I’ve been wanting my porch painted, how much would you charge?” “I don’t know, say $50 bucks.” the blonde says. “Sounds good. Go ahead and get started.” The man says while handing her the supplies and closing the door. His wife asks him, “Who was at the door?” He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks. The astonished wife says, “$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more.” “But that’s all she said she wanted, and anyway she’s a dumb blonde!” 10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the blonde stands there and says, “All done.” With a surprised look on his face, the man says “I can’t believe it, you’re already done painting the entire porch?!”The blonde replies “Yes, and by the way it’s not a porch it’s a Ferrari.”

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts. The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks. The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him. The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him. Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead. George Bush thinks: I can’t wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

The Law of Volunteering” If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. “The Law of Avoiding Oversell” When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. “The Law of Common Sense” Never accept a drink from a urologist. “The Law of Reality” Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. “The Law of Self Sacrifice” When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. “Weiler’s Law” Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself. “Law of Probable Dispersal” Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. “Law of Volunteer Labor” People are always available for work in the past tense. “Conway’s Law” In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired. “Iron Law of Distribution” Them that has, gets. “Law of Cybernetic Entomology” There is always one more bug. “Law of Drunkenness” You can’t fall off the floor. “Heller’s Law” The first myth of management is that it exists. “Osborne’s Law” Variables won’t; constants aren’t. “Main’s Law” For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. “Weinberg’s Second Law” If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.