Secretary Jokes

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That’s what I want to know. Condi: That’s what I’m telling you. George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow’s name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The main man in China! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya’ asking me for? Condi: I’m telling you, Hu is leading China. George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That’s the man’s name. George: That’s who’s name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he’s dead in the Middle East. Condi: That’s correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don’t want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone

A boss at a workplace says to his secretary, “File this report, please.””You file it, sir,” the secretary replies. “I’m a secretary, not a woodworker.”

A young executive is working late one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 PM he sees the Big Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand. “Do you know how to work this thing?” the older man asks. “My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.” “Yes, sir,” says the young executive, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the other man, and feeds it in. “Now,” says his boss, “I just need the one copy.”

Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich. You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment. Your suggestion box starts ticking. Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3. You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town. You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket. They pay your wages out of petty cash. You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had. You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get your haircut. Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget. The simple instructions enclosed aren’t. A black cat crosses you path and drops dead. You take an assertiveness training course and you’re afraid to tell your wife. The plumber floats by on your kitchen table. Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee. The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm. The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as “Millennia Year Application Software System” (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, “I’m a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.” I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, “here, stick this in MYASS.”

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00 When The postal authorities received the letter addressed to : God , USA , … they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down and wrote a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God , Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC. Do you know those bureaucrats deducted $95.00 in taxes!

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn’t even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that’s wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As Iwalked into my office, my secretary Janet said, “Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday!”. And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said,”You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday…let’s go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!” We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.” “Sure!” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…… followed by my wife, children, dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday……. And I just sat there……. on the couch……. naked.

Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters. If you have them; they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Alabama quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. “We are recalling all the new Alabama quarters that were recently issued,” Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. “This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices.” The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. “The problem lies in the unique design of the Alabama quarter, which was created by an Auburn University graduate,” Shackleford said. “Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices.”

Said the first, “I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I’m the president and chairman of the board.” “I put up thirty percent of the money,” said the second, “so I’m appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer.” “Well I put up five percent,” pointed out the third partner. “What’s that make me?” The chairman said, “I’m appointing you vice president of violence and music.” “That sounds mighty fine,” said the third man, “but what does it mean?” “It means that when I want your bloody advice, I’ll whistle.”

PRESS RELEASE: Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement: CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM! WE HAVE PLEDGED: – 2 BATTLE SHIPS, – 600 GROUND TROOPS, – 6 FIGHTER JETS. AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH: – 2 CANOES, – 6 MOUNTIES, – AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It clearly announced, “$500 Porsche! New!” The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, It’s worth a shot. So he went to the house of the lady who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost-brand-new Porsche. “Wow!” the man exclaimed. “Can I take it for a test drive?” “Sure,” answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly. When he got back to the lady’s house, he asked her, “Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?” Then the lady replied with a laugh, “My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, ‘You can have the house and the furniture. Just sell my Porsche and send me the money.’”

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. “Need some help?” a secretary asked. “Yes,” he replied. “How does this thing work?” “Simple,” she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. “Thanks, but where do the copies come out?”

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush announced yesterday that with the holiday season at an end he will mobilize selected units of the Salvation Army in order to boost troop levels in Iraq. The designated units-the 15th Strip Mall Patrol and the 17th Kmart Brigade-will receive eight weeks of intensive training prior to being deployed. “The Salvation Army has a proud history of serving pastries and hot coffee to battlefield troops since World War I,” said the president, “but desperate measures call for desperate times and vice versa. Therefore, I have authorized the establishment of Operation Kettle Korps, a program that will train members of the Salvation Army for combat duty.” At a brief question-and-answer session following this announcement, CNN’s Wolf Blitzer asked the president whether Operation Kettle Korps amounted to a back door draft. “No,” said Bush. “These units are already in the army, aren’t they?” Embattled secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld, taking time out from hand-writing letters of condolence to the families of soldiers killed recently in Iraq, praised the decision to mobilize the Salvation Army. “Do I think this is a good idea?” asked Rumsfeld, jabbing the air with his calligraphy pen for emphasis. “Of course I do. It’s about time we went to war with the army that we want. If ever there was an army with God on its side, the Salvation Army is it. Besides, we undermine troop morale if some members of the army are getting their guts shot out while others are standing around asking, ‘Decaf or regular?’” John Larsson, the Salvation Army’s general, also endorsed the mobilization. Larrson spoke with reporters on Kettle Force 1, his army’s private jet, while on his way to South Asia. “I have received a number of inquiries from our soldiers who were itching to kill a few terrorists for Christ,” he said. “I’m happy that Jesus has seen fit through his minister on earth to give them their chance. Christ be supreme.” The first contingent of Operation Kettle Korps troops is scheduled to arrive at Fort Benning, Georgia, on January 15. After they have been trained and sent to Iraq, Salvation Army members currently serving pastries and coffee to troops will return to the United States for military training. Their duties in Iraq will be assumed by members of Arnie’s Army, a private noncombat force maintained by golfer Arnie Palmer. In related news, Tiger Woods said that his army was “not up to fighting right now, as we’ve been in a slump recently.” Woods said that as soon as his members had worked out the kinks in their bayonet swing, they would be “ready for the majors.”

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, “Where did you get that car???!!!” He calmly told them, “I bought it today.” “With what money?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.” “Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.” So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” they said. “It was the lady up the street,” said the boy.” I don’t know her name–they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.” “Oh No,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.” So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. “Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. Henry got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, ‘The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,’ on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now Henry Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg’s name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show: Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls. So, now you know…

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, “Someone might steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then management said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people; one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies. Then management said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?” So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then management said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a timekeeper and a payroll officer; then hired two more people. Then management said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people; an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then management said, “We’ve had this command in operation for one year now and we’re $18,000 over budget. We have to cutback on overall costs.” So they laid off the night watchman.

What the Job Ad says & What it means: Advancement opportunity: Sh*t job Entry level Really sh*t job No experience necessary The mother of all sh*t jobs Administrative assistant Sh*t job with a title Ground floor opportunity Sh*t job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year Progressive company Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday Team player Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities Upbeat personality Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug and alcohol rehab benefit within the first year Word processing skills essential There’s a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future. Public relations Receptionist Professional appearance important $20K/year that requires a $100K wardrobe Pleasant telephone manner Be voice of 1-900-SUCK Earn up to $300/hr: BE 1-900-SUCK Salary range $24K to $32K This salary is $24K Jeans job! Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions B.A. required, master’s preferred Must be an M.A. and be willing to work on a B.A.’s salary Civil service This job was filled from the inside six months ago Women & minorities encouraged to apply White males need not waste the stamp Outstanding benefits package Health insurance Tons of variety! We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them in to one job. Top-notch communication skills Telemarketing Beautiful offices in attractive locations Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting Secretary Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management and wages of a migrant worker Executive secretary The most powerful position in any company Dedicated You’re looking at a minimum of 80 hrs/wk from now until we force you in to early retirement Salary commensurate We will pay whatever the hell we feel like Salary negotiable We will take the lowest bidder Competitive salary We’ll pay you up to 10% more than your last job, but not one penny more Competitive starting salary Ten cents above minimum wage Pleasant atmosphere A staff of pod people Professional atmosphere Zombie pod people Fun, creative atmosphere Pod people from hell Dynamic atmosphere Zombie pod people from hell Gal Friday Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it Self-starter Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, “Where did you get that car???!!!” He calmly told them, “I bought it today.” “With what money?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.” “Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.” So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” they said. “It was the lady up the street,” said the boy.” I don’t know her name–they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.” “Oh No,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.” So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. “Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.” On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note: “Dear Madam, Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 – it had never been occupied; #2 – there was plenty of heat; and #3 – it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 – it had been previously occupied, #2 – there wasn’t any heat, and #3 – it was entirely too large.” Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note: ” Dear Sir, #1 – I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 – As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. #3 – Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady

A Guide to Investments STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50. BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com. BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell “Broke”. BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you. BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter. MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you’re supposed to be listening to your manager’s presentation. SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn’t actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. “The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I’m a little short this month.”). COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one. YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. “We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently issued,” Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. “This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices”. The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. “The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was created by a University of Arkansas graduate,” Shackleford said. “Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices.”

I went to my family doctor to get a referral for a vasectomy.He asked, “Are you sure your wife doesn’t want to have any more children?”I said, “No, but I am pretty sure my secretary doesn’t want to have any more abortions!”

BREAKING NEWSBoris Johnson appoints Prince Andrew as Education Secretary!

Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during our lunch break when she says “Remember, you have a wife.”

Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during our lunch break when she said, “Remember, you have a wife.”

I’ve resigned from my role as secretary of Origami Club…There was too much paperwork!