Sex Jokes

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he’s surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously “Is there a problem?” The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes “I’m afraid so…I’m sorry but your notes got mixed up and we’ve given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy” The patient is devastated and shockingly replies “Do you mean to say I’ll never experience another erection” The surgeon pauses for a moment then says “Well, you might, but it won’t be yours.”

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.” “Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!”

Dear Abby Admitted She Was At A Loss To Answer The Following! Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR? Dear Abby, I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy. Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause. Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do? Remember these people can vote, which probably explains the current situation in Washington, DC.

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office…. but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, “I’ll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.” The girl looked at him, then said, “NO.” Eddie said, “I’ll be real fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll finish by the time you’ve picked it up.” She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend…. so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, “Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast… he won’t even be able to get his pants down.” She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend’s call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, “what happened….?” Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, “The bastard had all quarters!” Management Lesson: Always carefully consider a business proposition in it’s entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

15 Things One Should Never Say During Sex 1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something burning? 5. (in a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead… 6. Try breathing through your nose. 7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone! 8. Is that a Medic Alert Pendant? 9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 10. But whipped cream makes me break out. 12. On second thought, let’s turn off the lights 13. Can you please pass me the remote control? 14. Do you accept Visa? 15. Z ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

The Lie Detector Robot John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that was actually a lie detector. About 5:30 that afternoon Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late. “Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late getting home?” they asked. “Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” Tommy answered. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. ‘Son, this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really went after school,” John demanded. “We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie,” Tommy quickly answered. “What did you watch?” asked Marsha. “The Ten Commandments,” answered Tommy. The robot went to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.” ‘I’m ashamed of you, Son,’ said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.” The robot went to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha was bent over, laughing, almost in tears. “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can’t be too mad at Tommy. After all, he is your son!” The robot immediately walked to Marsha, and slapped her three times!

Powerful Pills “Doc, you’ve gotta help me! My wife just isn’t interested in sex anymore. Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her?” “Look, I can’t prescribe…” “Doc, we’ve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I’m desperate! I can’t think; I can’t concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You’ve got to help me.” The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. “Ordinarily, I wouldn’t do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they’re VERY powerful. Don’t give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE.” “I don’t know, doc; she’s awfully cold…” “One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?” “Um… okay.” He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife’s coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes… he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, “I need a man…” His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, “Yeah.. Me too..”

HEADLINES FOR THE YEAR 2040 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally . . scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon). Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 300 lbs. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036. Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Florida Voters still don’t know how to use a voting machine

A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, “Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.” The priest tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.” Soon after, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.” This time the priest questions, “Who is Nookie Green?” “A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replies. “Very well,” sighs the priest. “Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.” At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, “Is that Nookie Green?” The bug-eyed altar boy can’t believe his ears but replies, “No, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes!”

Growing Old Gracefully? An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” “In fact, I do”, said the man. “After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I’m usually hot and sweaty and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.” “This is very interesting”, replied the doctor. “Let me do some research and get back to you.” After examining the lady, the doctor said: “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked: “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?” “Oh that old coot!” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!”

Chocolate Test {…No cheating!!} Take this cute chocolate test to find out your true being. If you were buying candy and you had your choice of the following,which would you choose? BABY RUTH 3 MUSKETEERS BUTTERFINGERS SNICKERS HERSHEY’S ALMOND JOY with ALMONDS CLARK BAR GOOD ‘n’ PLENTY ENERGY BAR CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS Ok – Now That We Have Your Choice, This Is What Research Says About You!!! And NO….you can’t change your mind once you scroll down. So think carefully about what your choice will be! BABY RUTH – Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy items. A little nutty. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. 3 MUSKETEERS – You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your sabre. BUTTERFINGER – Smooth articulate, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don’t try to walk and chew gum at the same time. SNICKERS – Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you. But you are a practical joker – others should be cautious in shaking hands! HERSHEY – Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt. ALMOND JOY – Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very energetic, and really like to get into life. The opposite sex is always attracted to you. CLARK BAR – You like sports, whether baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but enjoy watching sports. You don’t like to give up the remote control. GOOD ‘n’ PLENTY – You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person. ENERGY BAR – Life is passing you by. Get a life!!!! Go eat a plum. CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS – You go to the bathroom often.

Sex therapists claim that the most effective way for a woman to arouse a man is to lick his ears…Personally, I think it’s bollocks!

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had a pair of scissors that just glide through a whole sheet of Christmas wrapping paper without tearing it?

If I had sex with Bart Simpsons dad would I be a homersexual?

If I had sex with Santa, would that make me a hohohomosexual?

The average person has sex 89 times a year…This is gonna be one hell of a week!

Studies have shown that men think about sex every 5 minge!

You know you’re getting old when the noises you’ve made during sex are the same ones you now make getting out of bed!

There’s a way of telling the sex of an orange…If it squirts in your eye without warning, It’s male.It it’s bitter for no apparent reason, It’s female!

Sex has gone downhill with the wife, so I bought her a dildo.“It looks like a carrot!” she said.Which is ironic, as her fanny looks like a donkey yawning!

My wife said sex is better on holiday…Not the best postcard to receive!

I ordered the missus a sex toy online and they promised discreet packaging, to stop others knowing what’s inside.Sex toys are the only things delivered in discreet packaging, therefore every fucker knows exactly what’s inside!

I was chatting to a woman in the nightclub on Saturday night and asked if she wanted to have 12 inches of dick tonight?She replied, “Are we having sex 4 times?”

The man who invented unisex tennis matches has died…RIP Mick Stubbles!

I bought a box of Viagra teabags last night…They do nothing for your sex life but they do stop your biscuit going soft when you dunk it!

Sex jokes aren’t funny, I mean cum on people!

My wife said sex is better on holiday…Not the best postcard to receive!

Spring forward and fall back…A great way to remember how the clocks change, but a terrible way to describe your sex technique!

Told the wife, “My new job is having sex live on stage.”She said, “Are you having me on?”I replied, “I’ll ask, but so far they’ve all been slim and pretty!”

The key to sex after you had children is Vaseline. Put a liberal amount on your bedroom door handles…Stops them getting in!

I was at a sex education class and the female teacher said, “Anyone who wants to know how deep a woman’s vagina is, please put your hand up.”“And that your honour is why I plead not guilty to the molestation charge against me!”

I’ve been married to my wife ten years today! Having sex with just one person in ten years is pure dedication…I don’t know how she does it!

My neighbours complained about me groaning too loud having sex in the morning…If only they knew I’m trying to put my socks on!

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?S&M&M

My missus winked at me and said, “I’d love a big stiff cock for my birthday.”Well she can fuck off if she thinks I’m paying for a sex change for her!

In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house, my wife walked up to me and said, “I’ll make you a deal. You go outside and cut the hedges, and I’ll shave my pussy.” I replied, “Don’t be stupid. We can’t both use the hedge trimmer at once!”

Due to an unfortunate text typo my girlfriend now thinks I want to try sex with someone called alan tonight!

I spent all my savings on a sex change…Now I haven’t got a sausage!

They say sex can be a wonderful way to reconcile feelings and make up after an argument. What a load of shit…It didn’t work with the Traffic Warden this morning!

I’m doing scientific research about men having sex with dogs…If you have any questions, I’ll be in my lab!

Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common…They’re the only 2 places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips!

Me and my girlfriend had sex in my car last night and it was fucking uncomfortable…I wish we’d dropped her parents off first!

What’s the difference between a blow job and anal sex?A blow job makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak!

I went to a sex addiction clinic yesterday.We all gathered in a circle and one by one each person told stories of their sordid sexual encounters.By the time it got to me, the counsellor asked, “Dave, is there anything you’d like to share with us?”I said, “Yes, my erection!”

My girlfriend tried to persuade me to have sex with her on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex with her, it’s going to be on my own Accord!

Men and women can be friends without any sex involved…It’s called marriage!

“Why did you have sex with her?”“She was lying there naked, what was I supposed to do?”“The autopsy. The fucking autopsy!”“Don’t tell me how to do my job!”“You’re a terrible fucking vet!”

My wife said angrily, “You only ever want sex when you’re drunk.”“That’s not true,” I replied. “Sometimes I want a kebab!”

On average, men have sex 2 – 4 times a week. Except Eskimos. Eskimo men only have sex twice a year…This came as a huge shock to me, as I had no idea I was a bloody Eskimo!

The other day, I was having sex with this married woman, when her husband came home early.She told me I’d have to use the back door and said I’d have to be quick…On reflection, I should have just left, but it’s not every day you get an offer like that!

Next time you’re feeling down, remember life is all about perspective…I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week, yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison!

The cost of living crisis has now become so bad that the wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford the batteries!

I went to my sex addicts class this morning. My councilor thinks l’ve come a long way. She believes this is because l no longer see women as mere sex objects and can appreciate them as equals…Sounds like she’s after a good shag if you ask me!

It has been years since my wife wanted sex but tonight she’s been all, “Why don’t we go upstairs?” “I’ve got something for you up there,” and, “I’m going to make you sweat tonight.”I’ve got a horrible suspicion she has had a self assembly Ikea wardrobe delivered!

I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object…Hi.

Pre marital sex – “My place or yours?”Post marital sex – “Migraine or yours?”

The cost of living crisis has become so bad that the wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford the batteries!

Sex before marriage is considered a sin…And after marriage a miracle!

After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen from a lorry in Kettering, police say the suspects may be sitting on the evidence and it’s unlikely they’ll come quietly!

I walked up to a girl in a bar and said, “You look like somebody who has a boring sex life. My mission tonight is to get you drunk, take you back to my house and give you the best shag ever.”She said, “My boyfriend is right behind you.”“Good, I’m glad I’ve got his support!”

My missus called me a sex machine last night…Well, her actual words were “You’re a fucking tool” but I knew what she meant!

My wife thinks our sex life has got boring and I’m easily distracted…Oh well, better get back to it I suppose!

The doctor put my wife on a new pill and now we have sex every night. It’s brilliant…It doesn’t matter which position we are in, nothing wakes her up!

Me and the wife decided to make our own sex tape…I was a bit annoyed when she started holding auditions for my part!

I made that classic mistake last night that all guys make. I got really drunk, and I ended up having sex with my best friend.Now, I can’t even bring myself to talk to him…To be honest, I don’t even want to play fetch with him!

I was having sex with a girl earlier. We did it doggy style and I lasted thirty minutes…That’s 4 mins 30 secs in human time!

I had sex with a girl last week in 1 minute 43 seconds.She said it was absolutely pathetic.I told her to give me a chance and I’ll do better next time.I shagged the same girl last night in 1 minute 12 seconds.Check me out! Beat it by 31 seconds!

A man is lying in bed next to his new girlfriend after a great sex session, and she spends the next hour rubbing his balls because it’s something she just loves to do. While he was enjoying it he asked her: “Why do you love doing that?” She replied “Because I miss mine!”

A man and his wife are about to have sex when the husband says, “Do a handstand against the full length mirror.”The wife thinks this is kinky and does it.The man puts his chin on her privates and says, “The boys at the pub were right, a goatie would suit me!”

A bloke with a gun enters a bar. “Who the hell had sex with my wife?” he snarled.A voice was heard in the background, “You don’t have enough bullets!”

A woman is suing a hospital, after her husband lost all interest in sex following recent treatment he had…The hospital in their defence have stated, “All we did was correct his eyesight!”

A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months, and used me as her sex slave.One day she forgot to lock the door and I thought, “This is my chance!”So I ran upstairs and grabbed the phone.Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement!

My sex life is like a Ferrari…I don’t have a Ferrari!

I went to a sex addiction clinic yesterday.We gathered in a circle and one by one each person told stories of their sordid sexual encounters.By the time it got to me, the counsellor asked, “Now then, is there anything you’d like to share with us?”I said, “Yes, my hard on!”

My mate asked, “So how come you and your wife have been together for so long and never seem to argue?” “The key to a good marriage is an adventurous and fucking kinky sex life.” “Really? I never knew that.” “Neither does she!”

I ordered the missus a sex toy online for Christmas and they promised discreet packaging, to stop others knowing what’s inside.Sex toys are the only things delivered in discreet packaging, therefore every fucker knows exactly what’s inside!

Whenever I have sex with my girlfriend, I let out loud, deep breaths. I used to feel embarrassed about it, but she told me that sighs doesn’t matter.

You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a glass of water. If it sinks: girl ant If it floats: boy ant

I tried gay phone sex last night, but I’m not sure I’m doing it right. I was the giver and it was the receiver.

I used olive oil for sex last night. Popeye was furious when he found out.

Whilst reading through an ancient book at the British Library, I found a magic spell’ that would supposedly make women want to have sex with me. Worked like a fucking charm.

Did you hear about the guy who haggled with a prostitute for sex in exchange for his pet deer? He was trying to get the most bang for his buck.

My wife said she wanted more variety in our sex life. Now I tell a few jokes, fuck her then sing a song.

Sex is a big joke. I just don’t get it.

Just had sex in an Apple Orchard. I came in cider.

Finally, after years of waiting, my book on having sex with herbs has been published. Its about fucking thyme.

Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a younger looking girl. “Bloody hell, Sherlock! What’d you think you’re doing bangin’ that chick. She looks like she’s in high school!” Sherlock replied, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”

$500 worth of condoms and lubricant were stolen overnight from a Sydney sex shop. Police described the thieves as slippery,well covered,hardened criminals.

A security camera caught a couple having sex in an elevator. …. They got off on the eighth floor…. then they straightened their clothing and exited the elevator on the 14th floor.

Maybe I should get married. Its not like I have sex anyway.

Women complain about men using them only for sex as if sex is a bad thing. Sex is awesome. Start complaining when he starts using you for cooking, laundry and baby sitting while he is out having fun.

My signature sex move is flirting like a pornstar then getting awkward as fcuk once it looks like something could actually happen.

A girl picking up the phone in the middle of sex is a free pass to get weird.

If sex is said to be the best exercise than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there’s idea. . .

I want a woman who can cook, clean, do the laundry, pay the bills & still set aside the time to have sex with me while her husbands at work

Shirley Temple, a wonderful example that making sex tapes, twerking, and going to re-hab are NOT necessary to make it in Hollywood. Classy is ALWAYS in style. RIP Little Princess.

Bad sex is still better than a good day at work!

We’re all sex addicts. Some of us just have better dealers.

You know it’s good sex when the neighbors call the police and a priest.