Shelf Jokes

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Se or, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona”‘ The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers,’ a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it. The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson?” The Molson Canadian president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

Two guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, “Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.” So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said “Do you have any Italian bread?” She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?” He said, “I want 5 loaves.” She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves … by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it’ll be hard.” He replied, “I can’t believe it, everybody knows about this sh*t but me.”

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on the bottom shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him… they kiss… and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?” The man says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. “Pardon me, sir,” she says to the store manager, “but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?” “Well,” he replies pointing out one brand, “this is as soft as a baby’s kiss. It’s $1.50 per roll.” He grabs another and says, “This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it’s $1.00 a roll.” Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, “We call that our No Name brand, and it’s 20 cents per roll.” “Give me the No Name,” she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, “Hey! I’ve got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne.” “Why?” he asks. “Because it’s rough, it’s tough and it don’t take crap off anybody!”

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side! She turns to him, invitingly… they kiss…and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it for you?” The guy yawns: “Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.”

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side! She turns to him, invitingly… they kiss… After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it for you?” The guy yawns: “Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.”

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

Keeping it Safe Dad is from the old school, where you keep your money under the mattress only he kept his in the underwear drawer. One day I bought my dad an unusual personal safe a can of spray paint with a false bottom so he could keep his money in the workshop. Later I asked Mom if he was using it. “Oh, yes,” she replied, “he put his money in it the same day.” “No burglar would think to look on the work shelf!” I gloated. “They won’t have to,” my mom replied. “He keeps the paint can in his underwear drawer.”

I bet the butcher he couldn’t reach the beef on the top shelf, but he saidthe steaks were too high.

The Doily Box As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. “My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.” Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice. “What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked. “Oh, that’s the money I made selling the doilies.”

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me The King of Beers,’ a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it. The guy from Molson sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?” The Molson president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her… they kiss… and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?” The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

The 87 year old said; “Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.” So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, “Do you have any Italian bread?” She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?” He said, “I want 5 loaves.” She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves…don’t you think by the time you get to the 5th it’ll be hard?” He replied, “Holy sh*t … does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but ME?!”

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side! She turns to him, invitingly… they kiss…and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it for you?” The guy yawns: “Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.”

What do you call a bookcase with only one book on it? A shelf-esteem issue!

Why did the bookcase get a ticket? It was parked in a restricted shelf area!

How do you organize a party in a bookcase? You make sure it has plenty of shelf space!

What did the librarian say when the bookcase fell over? “Well, that’s just shelf-destructive behavior!”

My wife made me sell my Dusty Springfield record collection…Now I just don’t know what to do with my shelf!

Visited my doctor yesterday. He told me my sugar was too high…So when I got home I moved it to a lower shelf!

I keep hitting my head on the colanders hanging down from our kitchen shelf…I think I have repetitive strain injury!

There were six pies sitting on a shelf. One jumped off onto the floor. One by one, the others followed…They were lemming meringue pies!

A book just fell on my head.I only have my shelf to blame.

I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

Sean Connery walks into a library and asks for a book on solo photography. “Shelf E,” replied the librarian. “Aye that’s the one,” said Sean

I popped into Tesco last night to get some oxo cubes but couldn’t see any on the shelf, they must be out of stock!

A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.