Shop Jokes

A man walks into a flower shop and discovers something new: a bonsai palm tree in a pot. As he admires the plant he says, “With fronds like these, who needs anemones?”

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. “How do I get him to sing?” The young man asked, excitedly. “Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet.” was the shop owner’s reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot’s left foot. Chet began to sing: “Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! …” The shop owner then held another match under the parrot’s right foot. Then Chet’s tune changed, and the air was filled with: ” Silent Night, Holy Night…” The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. “How beautiful!” She exclaimed, “Can he talk?” “No,” the young man replied, “But he can sing. Let me show you.” So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet’s left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: “Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!…” The man then moved the lighter to Chet’s right foot, and out came: “Silent Night, Holy night…” The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, “What if we hold the lighter between his legs?” The man did not know. “Let’s try it,” he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet’s legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire….”

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks “Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?” The barber look around the shop and says “about 2 hours,” and the guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks…”how long before I can get a haircut?” Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says “about 2 hours.” The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks “how long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says “about an hour and a half”. The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says “Hey, Joey, I’ll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes.” In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, “this must be good, where did he go when he left here?” Joey says, “To your house!”

Police in Turkey have arrested a 30-year-old shop assistant After he was found lying naked with a mannequin in a store window. “We found several bite marks on other mannequins as well,” An officer told the BBC. “The suspect said he had gotten somewhat confused after Purchasing a book called ‘Making Love for Dummies.’”

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant. In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. ” The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ? “That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture… “

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat? The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98” A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a toy Shop and asks the sales person, “How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?” The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95 Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95 Disco Barbie for $19.95 Ballerina Barbie For $19.95 Astronaut Barbie for $19.95 Skater Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.” The amazed father asks: “It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?” The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: “Sir…,Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made with Ken’s nuts.”

It’s the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s mother answers and invites him in. “Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” she says. That’s cool. Peggy Sue’s mother asks Harold what they’re planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie. Peggy Sue’s mother responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.” Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, “Wha…aaat?” “Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s mother, “We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she’d screw all night if we let her!” Harold’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, “Have a good evening kids,” with a small wink for Harold. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: “Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It’s called The Twist!”

It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in. “Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool,” says Bobby. Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue’s father responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.” Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says,”Whaaaat?” “Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s father, “Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!” Bobby’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, “Have a good evening, kids!” About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: “Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It’s called the twist!!”

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.” “Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don’t carry cash — it’s too plebeian — and the butcher hadn’t brought the shop’s credit card imprinter to the lawyer’s office]. Several periods of time later — it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic — the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 for legal consultation.

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” “Absolutely,” the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “YEOWW! ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or1/2 inch socket you’ve been searching for the last 45 minutes. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires. RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures. Also used as replacement for screwdriver. MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “DAMMIT” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, “Come on, a dog?” The owner says, “How about a cat?” The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!” The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!” The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.” He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.” Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He’s absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.” Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered. The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!” Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.” The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later… no centipede. 20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later… still no centipede! He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? So he goes to the front door, opens it… and there’s the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, “Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter?!” The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”. He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?” As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?” She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t think my pet python weally gives a thit.”

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks ‘Do you do custom work?’ ‘Why of course!’ ‘Good. I’d like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.’ ‘No problem,’ says the artist. ‘Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.’ After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. ‘That doesn’t look like them!’ she complains loudly. ‘Oh yes it does,’ the artist says indignantly, ‘and I can prove it.’ With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk. ‘Well, what do you think?’ the woman asks, spreading her legs. ‘Do you know who these men are?’ The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. ‘I’m not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!’

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises. So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go. Noon comes, no dictator… 10 minutes longer… no dictator. One assassin turns to the other and says, “Gee, I hope nothing happened to him.”

A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs. Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts. On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store… (Please scroll down.) What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to whatever you were doing. I don’t know about you sometimes..

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. “Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.” “You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.” The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. “Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner. “No,” says the tourist, “I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.”

There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They’d heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re going to need an ice pick.” So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re going to need another dozen ice picks.” Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, “We’re going to need all the ice picks you’ve got.” The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “By the way,” he asked, “how are you fellows doing?” “Not very well at all,” he said. “We don’t even have the boat in the water yet.”

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free back to school shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an Oklahoma jersey and says to his older sister, “I’ve decided to become a Sooner fan and I would like to wear this to school”. His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, “Go talk to mother”. Off goes the little lad with the Oklahoma jersey in hand and finds his mother. “Mom?” “Yes son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this jersey”. The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, “Go talk to your father!” Off he goes with the Oklahoma Jersey in hand and finds his father. “Dad?” “Yes son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this jersey”. The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says, “No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT CRAP!” About half an hour later they’re all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says “Son, I hope you’ve learned something today?” The son says, “Yes, Dad, I have.” “Good son, what is it?” To which the son replies, “I’ve only been a Oklahoma fan for an hour and I already hate you Texas bastards.”

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks “Are they twins”? The woman says “No, he’s 9 and she’s 7. “Why? Do you think they look alike?” “No”, he replies, “I just can’t believe you got laid twice”!

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35” was the reply. “I’m actually 47 years old” the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is “Oh, you look about 29” This makes him feel really good. Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.” Being as there was nobody around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his trousers. Ten minutes later the old lady says “You are 47 years old.” Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?” The old lady replies, “I was behind you in the Chip shop”

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras. He said, “Ah’l go down raht now.” So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop. The saleslady said, “May I help you sir?” When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras. She asked, “Would you like two Playtex?” He answered, “Ah’d luv ta little lady, but mah wife’s a’waitin fer me up in the room.”

A man bought a bathtub and took it home, but it didn’t seem to work. So he took it back to the shop and said, “This bathtub isn’t working! The water doesn’t stay in it!”The salesman said, “Didn’t the tub come with a plug?”The man replied, “No one told me it was electric!”

I rang up a pizza shop and asked “do you deliver?” they repiled “no we do pizza”.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, “Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?” The parrot says, “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.” “Holy crap,” the guy replies. “You actually understood and answered me!” “I got every word,” says the parrot. “I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.” “Oh yeah?” the guy asks, “Then answer this — how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?” “Well,” the parrot says, “this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.” “Wow,” says the guy. “You really can understand and speak English can’t you?” “Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.” The guy looks at the $200 price tag. “Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.” “Pssssssst,” says the parrot, “I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!” The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot issensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, “psssssssssssst,” and motions him over with one wing. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.” “What are you talking about?” asks the guy. “When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately.” “WHAT???” the guy asks incredulously. “THEN what happened?” “Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,” reported the parrot. “Oh No!,” he exclaims. “Then what?” “Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down….” “WELL,” demands the frantic guy, “THEN WHAT HAPPENED?” “Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!”

A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?” The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, … “HELLLLO” “You need to roll up the windows”

A lady went into a butcher shop complaining about some hot dogs she had just bought. “The middle is meat,” she exclaimed, “but the ends are sawdust!” “Well,” said the butcher. “These days it’s hard to make ends meat.”

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!” The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!”

Once upon a time there was an evil mathematician who started differentiating things. He pointed at his couch and yelled “I differentiate you!”, and it differentiated. He pointed at the mailman and yelled “I differentiate you!”, and it disappeared. He pointed at the shop across the street and said “I differentiate you!”, and it exploded. He was finally subdued after a long struggle and taken to court. To keep him from causing more chaos, he was drugged and unable to speak. The judge found him guilty, and was about to sentance him when the drugs wore off and he started differentiating things again. He differentiated the bailiff, the judge, and the jury, when someone came up behind him and put his hand on his shoulder. The evil mathematician pointed at the man and yelled “I differentiate you!”, and nothing happened. He tried to differentiate him a second and third time to no avail. Finally, he looked at the man and said, “What’s going on? Why won’t you differentiate?” The man looked back and said, “You can’t differentiate me — I’m e^x.”

A blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really bad hailstorm. The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car covered with large dents. So the next day she takes her car to the repair shop. The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He tells her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe, really hard, and all the dents will just pop out. The blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down on her hands and knees and starts blowing into the tail pipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happens. Meanwhile, her roommate, also a blonde, comes home and asks,”What in the world are you doing?” The blonde car owner tells her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the hail dents to pop out. Her blonde roommate rolls her eyes and says, “Hell-OOOO! Don’t you think you should roll up the windows first?

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour. ‘Do you do custom work?’ she asks the artist. ‘Why of course!’ ‘Good. I’d like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.’ ‘No problem,’ says the artist. ‘Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.’ After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. ‘That doesn’t look like them!’ she complains loudly. ‘Oh yes it does,’ the artist says indignantly, ‘and I can prove it.’ With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk. ‘Well, what do you think?’ the woman asks, spreading her legs. ‘Do you know who these men are?’ The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. ‘I’m not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!’

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. “Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.” “You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.” The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store,two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into the Potomac Tidal Basin with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the Basin, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.”So, you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner. “No,” says the tourist, “I was wondering if you have a bronze congressman. “

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, ‘What did you steal?’ She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, ‘I will give you 6 days in jail.’ Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, ‘ What is it? ‘ The husband said ‘She also stole a can of peas.’

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn’t do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn’t live far from the shop, he decided to walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem… How to carry his entire purchases home. The feed store owner said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” said the biker, and out the door he went. In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane. The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.” We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time”. The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?” The biker said, “Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?” The lady said, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, ‘Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.’ The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, ‘You don’t like getting flowers?’ The redhead says, ‘I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.’ The blonde says, ‘Don’t you have a vase?

I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter. So I went up to him and said, “Come on, how about giving a man a break?” He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!! So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t give a damn. My car was parked around the corner…

A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin’ and dealin’ they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, “Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn’t dance a single step!” “Hmmm….” thought the duck’s former owner. “Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”

Six Cups of Coffee Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn’t especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee. He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos. “Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?” he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, “Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.” “Good,” Freddie said. “Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.”

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, “How long before I can et a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About two hours.” The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About two hours.” The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop an says, “About an hour and half.” The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.” In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?” Bill looked up and said, “To your house.”

A penguin takes his car to the shop to have it fixed. While he’s waiting, he goes into a cool ice cream shop and eats ice cream. Having flippers instead hands, he gets the ice cream all over himself. He’s goes back to the auto shop and asks the mechanic what was wrong with his car. “Well,” says the mechanic, “it looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin replies, “It’s just ice cream, I swear!!”

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, “Is this a union house?” “No, I’m sorry, it isn’t,” said the Madame. “Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?” he asked. “The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20.” Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. At the second one, he asked the Madame, “Is this a union house?” “No, I’m sorry, it isn’t,” said the Madame. “If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?” he asked again. “The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20.” Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the Madame said, “Why yes, this is a union house.” “And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?” he questioned. “The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.” “That’s more like it!” the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. “I’d like her for the night.” “I’m sure you would, sir”, said the Madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, “but Ethel here has seniority.”

Getting a Haircut A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About two hours.” The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About two hours.” The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop an says, “About an hour and half.” The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.” In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?” Bill looked up and said, “To your house.”

Clanking Sound An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: “Check for clanking sound when going around corners.” Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a ‘clunk.’ He then made a left turn and again heard a ‘clunk.’ Back at the shop he opened the car’s trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, “Removed bowling ball from trunk.”

Pet Shop Monkeys A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?” The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C – very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.” The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive – $10,000! What does it do?” “Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?” The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s a consultant.”

A Blonde went into a pet shop and asked the owner if he had any parrots. The owner replied, “Sorry, I don’t have any at the moment.” “Damn and blast!” said the blonde, “I have been invited to a fancy dress party for the first time in my life, and I have been told to be as authentic as possible, hence the need for the parrot.” explained the Blond. “Well,” said the owner, “if you come back here next week, specifically on Thursday, I am expecting a shipment from South America and I’ll be able to supply you with a parrot, guaranteed,” “Damn and blast!” said the blonde, “I can’t come on that day or for some time after.” “Why not?” Asked the owner. “Because that is the day I’m having my leg amputated!”

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. “Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.” “You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.” The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. “Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner. “No,” says the tourist, “I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.”

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. “I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last bunch.”The desperate customer turned to me and begged, “May I please have those roses?” “What happened?” I asked. “Did you forget your wedding anniversary?” “It’s even worse than that,” he confided. “I crashed my wife’s hard drive!”

A man goes into a butcher shop and says, “I bet ya $350 that you can’t reach that bit of meat,” indicating a cut of beef hanging above him. The butcher looks up and says, “No way.”The guy says, “Why not?”And the butcher answers, “The steaks are too high!”

Divorced Barbie A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?” he asks the shop assistant. In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.” The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?” “That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

A Blonde (at-sip sorority blonde, of course) suspects that her boyfriend has been cheating on her for some time. In a fit of rage, she visits a local gun shop and buys a pistol. She then takes the gun with her to her boyfriend’s apartment to confront him with her suspicions. As she arrives, she hears amorous sounds coming from within the apartment. In a rage she burst in and finds her boyfriend in an embrace with a lovely lady on the floor in front of her. She reaches into her purse to retrieve the weapon and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. In her grief, she raises the gun to her own head. The boyfriend jumps up and begins to plead with her not to end it all. She cocks the gun, looks him angrily in the eye and says, “Sit down and shut up — You’re next!”

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room. ” You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?” The stewardess replied: “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

I went to my local DIY shop to get the number 58 for my door…Imagine my disappointment when they only went as far as 9!

The Christmas jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge!

I work at the charity shop sorting through sacks of lady’s underwear that’s been donated… It’s only £9 per hour, but to be honest, it’s all I can afford!

A budgie walks into a pet shop wearing a balaclava and holding a shot gun…“Open the fucking trill!”

The batteries ran out in my clock, so I went to the shop and said, “I cant tell the time, I need some batteries.”The shop keeper said, “Is it for a clock?”I said,” I dunno I can’t tell. That’s why I need the batteries!”

I couldn’t get a taxi home last night so I went in the kebab shop and ordered a delivery to my address and got in with the driver!

With #StormEunice approaching I’m going to pop next door to see if 83 year-old Vera needs anything from the shop tomorrow…And if she does I’m going to give her my list. No point in both of us going out in this weather!

I went into the disabled clothes shop and asked for a pair of epileptic trousers. The assistant asked if I wanted to try them on. “That’s OK,” I said. “I’m sure they’ll fit!”

My local shop has a sale on all the Harry Potter books today… They are only a quid each!#WorldBookDay

Why did my wife cross the road?To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three fucking hours ago!

I saw a sign in a shop window that said, ‘Watch batteries fitted £2.50.’I thought, “Why would anyone pay to see that?”

I cycled to the shop today for a bottle of Scotch but was worried that I might get stopped and the bottle confiscated, so I drank it at the shop… Good job I did, since I fell off 7 times on the way home!

A man fell into a display of 300 golf clubs at a sports shop earlier today…Doctors have said that he should be ok but he’s not out of the woods yet!

As I knelt down in the shoe shop with a pair of shoes in front of this sexy blonde, I couldn’t resist a quick glance up her short skirt.“Hey cheeky!” she said. “I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls skirts isn’t it?”“That’s ridiculous. I don’t work here!”

I was buying my wife some underwear. I asked the shop assistant, “Are these knickers satin?”“No,” she said. “They’re brand new!”

A drummer walks into a shop and asks to see the drum kits. The assistant says, “You’re a drummer aren’t you.” “Yes,” says the drummer. “How could you tell?”“This is a chemists!” says the assistant.

I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me £15.Instead I gave my suit to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it, and put it in the window. I bought it for £4.50!

I got my Mogwai wet and fed it after midnight but nothing happened. I think my wife might be right…That pet shop have sold me a fucking gerbil!

BREAKING NEWSThree men are on the run after raiding a fancy dress shop that specialises in 80’s pop groups…The owners are hoping that they’ll turn themselves into The Police!

I went into the pet shop and asked for a taller stand for my parrot.I wanted to get it now and pay for it later but the owner said, “I’m sorry but I don’t do higher perches!”

Was in a shop today and asked the manager why the exit sign was flickering…He said it’s on its way out!

A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.“What’s wrong with him?”“He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn’t find any so I sold him some laxatives.”“You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”“Of course you can. He’s now too scared to cough!”

Just went into a shop and said, “Can I pay by card?” The cashier said, “No problem, what card do you have?” I said, “The six of spades!”

I hate it when you’re on the toilet and you notice there is no toilet paper left.Then you have to walk with your trousers round your ankles to get another roll…Anyway, I’m nearly at the corner shop now!

My wife phoned me and spoke in a furious tone, “Where the hell are you?”I said, “You know that jewellery store where you saw that necklace that you really really wanted?”“Yes, I remember,” she said excitedly.I replied, “I’m at that tool shop right next door!”

I couldn’t get a taxi home last night so I went to a pizza shop and ordered a delivery to my address and got in with the delivery driver!£13.50 for pizza, kebab and a taxi home. I’m a genius!

I’ve worked in a carpet shop for years. Not once has a girl come in to ask for a magic carpet…However, last week I had a lad in!

I stole a boomerang earlier and hid it up my sleeve…The security guard threw me out of the shop 37 times!

I went for a job in a sandwich shop but they said the roll had already been filled!

Stevie Wonder walks into a shop swinging a dog above his head.The shop owner says, “Can I help you?”Stevie Wonder say, “No I’m just having a look around!”

My wife has been missing for over a week, and this morning the police said I should prepare myself for the worst…So, I’m heading to the charity shop to get her clothes back!

I went to the chip shop and asked for a jumbo sausage.The bloke said, “It won’t be long.”I said, “It better be!”

A blonde & a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunettes boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, “My boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I’ll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”The blonde says, “Don’t you have a vase?”

I once posed naked for a magazine…The shop keeper wasn’t having it and told me I’d have to give him cash like everyone else!

This bloke came into my shop today and said, “Why’s your exit sign flickering on and off?”I said, “It’s on the way out!”

A shop assistant fought off an armed robber with his labeling gun…Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head!

A bloke came into my shop today and said, “Why is your exit sign flickering on and off?”I said, “It’s on the way out!”

I was in a shoe shop this morning trying on a shoe. I said to the assistant, “It’s too tight.”She said, “Try it with the tongue out.”I said, “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

I saw a black man running from a shop with a turntable, amplifier and speakers under his arm being chased by a security guard. Talk about stereotypes.

I walked into an explosives shop the other day and wanted to buy a grenade with my debit card. It all went horribly wrong when the cashier asked for my pin.

The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

A gentleman was lured into a busy florist shop by a large sign in the window that read, Say It With Flowers.’ Wrap up one rose,’ he told the florist. Only one?’ the florist asked. Just one,’ the customer replied. I’m a man of few words.’

“Stationary shop moves”…..

This is how bad immigration is getting. I walked into my local corner shop wondering if I could pay by my card and all I said was “Visa?” The fucking twat ran off!

A shop assistant dared to ask me why I needed twenty pots of Tippex this morning. Big mistake.