Shower Jokes

It’s out! Brand new edition of… “You know you’re A redneck when……” 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly Swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think the “nutcracker” is something you do off the high dive. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has “ammo” on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your Father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side. 24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of Improvements. 28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on Jury Duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Yo Mama so fat, when she takes a shower her feet don’t get wet!

Q: April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring? A: Pilgrims.

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze. You can’t remember…is pot illegal? You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula. You can’t remember…..is pot illegal? A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don’t even notice. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag. You can’t remember…is pot illegal? It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station about “STORM WATCH.” You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. Both you AND your dog have therapists. You can’t remember…… is pot illegal???????

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras. He said, “Ah’l go down raht now.” So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop. The saleslady said, “May I help you sir?” When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras. She asked, “Would you like two Playtex?” He answered, “Ah’d luv ta little lady, but mah wife’s a’waitin fer me up in the room.”

Q: Why didn’t Natalie Wood take a shower on the boat? A: She wanted to wash up on shore.

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?” She replies, “I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.” “Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.” “Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.” “But, where did you get the tools?” “Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.” The guy is stunned. “Let’s row over to my place,” she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white While the woman ties up the rowboat wit h an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?” “No! No thank you,” he blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.” “It’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.” No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. “This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What next?” When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for many months. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for?” She stares into his eyes. He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean . . he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.” . . . “Don’t tell me you’ve built a Golf Course!”

These are the only ten times in history the “F” word has been acceptable for use… 10. “What the @#$% was that?” -Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. “Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?” -Custer, 1877 8. “Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.” -Einstein, 1938 7. “It does so @#$%ing look like her!” -Picasso, 1926 6. “How the @#$% did you work that out?” -Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. “You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?” -Michelangelo,1566 4. “Where the @#$% are we?” -Amelia Earhart, 1937 3. “Scattered @#$%ing showers…. my ass!” -Noah, 4314 BC 2. “Aw c’mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?” -Bill Clinton, 1999 And . . . drum roll . . . . . 1. “Geez, I didn’t think they’d get this @%#*^ing mad.” -Osama bin Laden, November, 2001

Traveling Tip Here’s a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it’s loud and you can’t turn it down. I leave the number of the room next to me. It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell, “Why are you calling me?” Then you get up and take a shower. It’s great.

It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” complained a man to his wife as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn like this?” she replied. “Probably that I married you for your money.”

Top 10 List of what Moms REALLY want… 10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any “floaties” (ie, backwash) 9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that “Why is this person my mother?” way. 8. Five pounds of chocolate that won’t add twenty. 7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a “Hi Ya Mom!” just as I put a razor to my ankle. 6. A full time cleaning person – period! 5. For my teenager to announce “Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!” 4. A grocery store that doesn’t have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line. 3. To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions. 2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, “Oh no! Why me…!” And the #1 thing that moms REALLY want is….. Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

Also known as ‘women’s intuition,’ this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what’s going on in their man’s lives almost better than they do. Why is this? In the early 80’s researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain’s two hemispheres than men do. It’s these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly unconnectable pieces. That, and they go through all your stuff while you’re in the shower!

It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” complained a man to his wife as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn like this?” she replied. “Probably that I married you for your money.”

A girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, pumpkin, it’s because you’re blonde.” The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. “Very good,” said her embarrassed mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?” “No, it’s because you’re 25.”

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mummy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?”

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room. “What are you doing?” she asked. “I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law said. “I am wearing my love dress.” “Love dress? But you’re naked!” said the mother-in-law. “My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained. “It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.” The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. What are you doing?” he asked. This is my love dress” she whispered, sensually. “Needs ironing,” he said.

My wife asked if I had ever pissed in the shower.I said, “Of course. A couple of times but accidentally.”She called me disgusting and asked what I meant by ‘accidentally’.I replied, “Well these things tend to happen when I’m having a shit!”

I’ve not had a bath or shower all year!

As I arrived at the prison showers I realised I’d forgotten my soap.However, I was amazed at the number of bars of soap left abandoned on the shower room floor for no apparent reason…“Well, I’ll be buggered,” I thought.

The girlfriend and I had our first shower together today.She could see I was a little nervous so said, “Relax, just do what you normally do.”So I had a piss!

Talking to my mate at work, I said, “Do you shower after sex?”He said, “Of course I do!”I said, “Any chance you have a fucking shag more often?”

I’m not saying I’m attractive, but when I take my clothes off in the bathroom, I turn the shower on!

My wife came out of the bathroom after her shower, stark naked, and walked into the bedroom. She said, “Shut the curtains babe. I don’t want the neighbours to see me naked.”“Don’t worry,” I said. “If they see you naked, they’ll shut their own fucking curtains!”

My young son climbed in the shower with me last night, and sure enough, it wasn’t long before the awkward questions started.“Why is your willy so much longer and fatter than mine?”“I don’t know, daddy.”

Talking to my mate at work, I said, “Do you shower after sex?”He said, “Of course I do!”I said, “Any chance you could have a fucking shag more often?”

I was directing a play and I thought I’d spice it up a bit by adding a lesbian shower scene.Some say I’m the fresh and bold approach that theatre needs…While others think that I ruined the nativity!

Whenever I’m naked in the bathroom, the shower gets turned on.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

My girlfriend doesn’t think I can think fix the electric shower. Well, she’s in for a shock

My friend handed out wedding invitations at her baby shower, like the classless knocked up slut she is.

Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower??

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

My wife gets annoyed with my long showers. I told her they could be 10-15 minutes shorter if she joined me.

I could be the next American Idol!! If they could just let me bring my shower on stage…

If you gave me a blowjob while in the shower, I’d probably shampoo and condition your hair while you do it.

Don’t you hate that feeling when you close your eyes to apply shampoo, and get paranoid that someone will kill you in the shower.

Dear Crush, If your “shower brb” was intended to make me imagine you naked.. Mission accomplished!”

I could have sworn I heard a chorus of a thousand tiny voices rising up from the shower drain to wish me a Happy Fathers Day.

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

My wife got in the shower with me this morning. She said “Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me”. So I put shampoo in her eyes.

Don’t you hate that feeling when you close your eyes to apply shampoo, and get paranoid that someone will kill you in the shower.

I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…

Being clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.

When I get naked my shower gets turned on.

Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.

There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.

Let’s face it, it’s not the first time Germany’s sent a bunch of blokes to the showers in tears.

I don’t know how some people do it “4 minute shower” It takes me like 4 minutes to even get the water to be the right temperature.

Turns out an At Home DNA test is not a good baby shower gift

Showers: never want to get in, then never wanting to get out.

Does anyone else get bothered by that last inch the shower curtain wont cover?

When I’m in the shower, why does every noise sound like my phone?

My girlfriend came out of the shower and said “I shaved down there, you know what that means?” I said, “Yeah the f*cking drain is clogged again.”

Saw a girl with three lip-ring piercings on the subway this morning. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.

I sing in the shower. I think I sound pretty good. The other people in the gym don’t agree.

Ladies, holding out on sex with your man to get what you want will not work. He will just take longer showers.

I just violated myself in the shower. I didn’t want to but rules are rules and I did drop the soap after all.

You think you’re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone else’s shower.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…. Then it’s a soap opera

I’ve been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to shower, comb my hair and brush my teeth…I think they might be trying to groom me!

Tried to take a selfie in the shower.It turned out all blurry. I think I have selfie steam issues.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?Pilgrims

Why don’t pirates shower before walking the plank?They just wash up on shore.

How do gamers like to shower?With Steam.

I’m not saying I’m attractive, but when I take my clothes off in the bathroom.I turn the shower on.

I’m not saying I’m attractive.But when I take my clothes off in the bathroom…I turn the shower on.

I’m not saying I’m attractive.But when I take my clothes off in the bathroom…I turn the shower on.